Friends with your Ex?

[Lotus_Luna]

Is it common to still associate with your ex regularly? 
 

i’ve always been on good terms (minus 2 toxic relationships) with former partners. But my Ex and I are starting to make a habit of hanging out multiple times a week when we’re free. This is quality time, actually talking and visiting. NOT SEXUAL. 
 

Initially, I assumed we were just transitioning into becoming friends for the sake of our kids and shared friends. Now I’m confused if this is normal, a good idea or a bad one? As no one else I know has done this.

 

[Mystery4u]

No. Sounds like a terrible idea.

How are you both going to move on and meet new people to get into a relationship with when you are spending so much time together?

And when you do get into a new relationship, you will have to cut out all this extra stuff (keep the contact to do with kids only) with your ex out of respect to your new partner anyway, why prolong it?

Edited July 13, 2020 by Mystery4u

[ShyViolet]

It totally depends on the individual people, the nature of the relationship and how it ended.  Some exes can stay friends and it works for them.  If it works for you, then you shouldn't let anyone tell you that it's wrong.  However, if you get into a new relationship you'd probably have to scale this back because it would be seen as weird and could make your new partner uncomfortable.

[Emilie Jolie]

The friendship with exes aspect is actually not that uncommon. If it works for you and you feel you both are on the same page, that's no problem.

Multiple times a week sounds like a lot, though. 

[d0nnivain]

Being civil, as you have managed with the majority of your EXs is very common & healthy. 

Hanging out regularly with a recent EX is a problem.  If sufficient time has passed it can be OK but not in the few years immediately following the break up (unless you are still in HS with the same friends in which case it's OK).   In the immediate aftermath spending time with an EX keeps you from using that time to meet somebody new.  

I have done some business deals with an EX from 25 years ago.  My husband & I occasionally hang out with a guy I dated in HS, many decades ago for something like 6 weeks.  Every few years I would bump into another EX through industry functions & we'd take a half hour or so to catch up but there were never plans to meet.  

Edited July 13, 2020 by d0nnivain

[mark clemson]

There's nothing inherently wrong with it in theory. In practice, it often causes problems of the types many folks have alluded to above. You indicated in another post multiple partners since your Ex, so it sounds like he's not preventing you from moving on. IF that changes and he starts to interfere with a new BF or with your emotional bonding with a new BF, that might be a problem.

My belief is that if I was to date a woman and really like her/want to be with her, then her spending significant "quality time" with an Ex would worry me and certainly make me think twice about things. I would worry that I was "just a rebound" or that there was too much potential for you and the Ex to rekindle things. If someone wants a committed relationship with you, they might perceive the time spent with your Ex as bordering on (or being) an EA. So sticking around beyond casual would entail A LOT of trust. I believe that's something you should think about if/when you're in the market for a LTR.

Edited July 13, 2020 by mark clemson

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't stay friends with exes. I don't want ex-bfs hanging around when I'm moving on and dating others. I wouldn't want my bf's exes hanging around, either.

[regine_phalange]

It would be absolutely weird for me. Unless it was that one boyfriend with whom it was completely platonic 15 years ago!

If you have kids it's very different though, I can see how having a lifetime relationship is unavoidable. I would try to keep it distant if I had a partner and I would make sure that my partner is around when the ex comes over. 

[Ellener]

16 hours ago, Lotus_Luna said:

no one else I know has done this.

I was in the same situation, and after ending a long difficult marriage we decided to be friends; I think with hindsight I was sort-of trying to control the situation which it did for a long while, kept our family together. Until the next wife arrived on scene and my ex dropped me as a friend and not longer after stopped seeing our son too!

I remember crying to a friend ( no longer friend! ) who said 'what did you expect?!' and thinking 'wow, I'd have been over him years ago if we hadn't continued our relationship ( also not romantic or sexual )

It's just conveniently filling a gap, I don't say occasional socialising isn't a good thing for you all but the everyday hanging out will be a real ouch for everyone when a new partner enters the picture, even if not quite as obnoxious about it as my ex....

Good luck whatever you decide.

 

 

[snowboy91]

I wouldn't say it's common, but it is possible.

I tried to stay friends with my ex but that fell away gradually since we didn't really have much in common in the end. I've got friends who once dated but are good friends now - one is in a long term relationship, while the other is still happily single. It took some work for them to get there, but they did in the end.

Hanging out that regularly may be a detriment to you both finding new people, but I do see the benefit for your kids. I'd say continue, though cautiously, knowing that your ex may not feel exactly the same way that you do - time will tell.

[Lotus_Luna]

I have casually dated since but nothing serious. I don’t discuss my dating with him. He was celibate prior to our relationship and not dating. I doubt much has changed considering how often I’m around and he hasn’t brought anyone up.  

I’m wondering if this ‘friendship’ is our way of holding on? Our break (which I posted here) happened abruptly with no drama. Now that time has gone by we still haven’t gone more then 2-3 weeks without contact. 

I’m undecided how I want to proceed. Part of me thinks I would move on fine IF someone came along that checked my boxes. Another part is still holding space that we may get back together. 

I’m not eager to start this conversation with him. I have so much on my plate, it’s easier just not to think. Maybe address it in Sept when I have room in my head. 
 

 

 

[Emilie Jolie]

3 hours ago, Lotus_Luna said:

Another part is still holding space that we may get back together. 

That's what I was thinking when you mentioned seeing each other several times a week. 

I think it's wise not to bring anything up until you are 100% you want this and you see more reciprocity from his side since you have kids together, as this may complicate things.

If you're really feeling that way, I personally would advise to cool things, or at least spend a little less time with each other so you can keep a clear head.

[Mystery4u]

4 hours ago, Lotus_Luna said:

Another part is still holding space that we may get back together. 

So you are still not over him. Bad idea to keep in so much contact otherwise you won't ever get over him and be able to start a new relationship.

An ex is an ex for a reason. Two people who are meant to be together don't break up.

[d0nnivain]

9 hours ago, Lotus_Luna said:

I’m wondering if this ‘friendship’ is our way of holding on? 

I’m undecided how I want to proceed. Part of me thinks I would move on fine IF someone came along that checked my boxes. Another part is still holding space that we may get back together. 

Yes.  This "friendship" is your way of holding on.  You want him back.  You are in essence, dating, without the title  / words.  

[Lotus_Luna]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Yes.  This "friendship" is your way of holding on.  You want him back.  You are in essence, dating, without the title  / words.  

I wouldn’t say we are dating. We are friends, we aren’t physical and our friendship is nit my priority.

[Lotus_Luna]

6 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

So you are still not over him. Bad idea to keep in so much contact otherwise you won't ever get over him and be able to start a new relationship.

An ex is an ex for a reason. Two people who are meant to be together don't break up.

I’ve dated others fine. And sometimes people do break up and get back together. Blanket statements are kinda useless. Depends on the reason for the break up and what has happened since.

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, Lotus_Luna said:

I wouldn’t say we are dating. We are friends, we aren’t physical and our friendship is nit my priority.

Semantics.  

You can call what you are doing anything including potato but it boils down to wasting your free time on an EX instead of moving forward.  You are still tethered to each other & that is unhealthy.

I'm not saying be mean.  I am saying put a lot more distance in here.  Separation is a good thing

[Lotus_Luna]

7 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

That's what I was thinking when you mentioned seeing each other several times a week. 

I think it's wise not to bring anything up until you are 100% you want this and you see more reciprocity from his side since you have kids together, as this may complicate things.

If you're really feeling that way, I personally would advise to cool things, or at least spend a little less time with each other so you can keep a clear head.

We actually don’t have kids together, kids are good friends. I’ve taken time away for myself, and it doesn’t change the fact I have feelings. But it doesn’t mean I feel driven to action. If the conversation happens organically I’ll welcome it. But I dont *need* to know how he feels right now.

[Emilie Jolie]

3 minutes ago, Lotus_Luna said:

We actually don’t have kids together, kids are good friends. I’ve taken time away for myself, and it doesn’t change the fact I have feelings. But it doesn’t mean I feel driven to action. If the conversation happens organically I’ll welcome it. But I dont *need* to know how he feels right now.

Fair enough. I misunderstood your opening post. In that case, there is no urgency I suppose. As you say, let it happen organically.

[Lotus_Luna]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Semantics.  

You can call what you are doing anything including potato but it boils down to wasting your free time on an EX instead of moving forward.  You are still tethered to each other & that is unhealthy.

I'm not saying be mean.  I am saying put a lot more distance in here.  Separation is a good thing

Which is why I am open to dating others. Although, relationships are not my priority at this time. Period.

Even if my Ex asked we get together again, I’d probably say no. The timing isn’t good for me. I was seeing someone in May and June. He was lovely but I didn’t feel like I wanted to go anywhere with it. 
 

I like talking and visiting without the pressure of sex or romance. 

[chillii]

To my mind it's not healthy , it also holds you back or sets your mind to wondering just like yours is , it's just not healthy and there's just no point. Especially hanging out , l'd never just hang out with an ex , l know the effects it'd have. l find even a few messages touching base now and then just pointless .

l was married 20 yrs and even us being in touch this last 7yrs , mostly just things concerning our daughter , which has to be , but if not for l'd never see her or talk to her again , l just think it's best , for 50 reasons. Although it's mind boggling that l could live sooooo much life with someone , and then just not be , but l still think that's just best.

[snowboy91]

On 7/14/2020 at 1:36 PM, Lotus_Luna said:

I’m undecided how I want to proceed. Part of me thinks I would move on fine IF someone came along that checked my boxes. Another part is still holding space that we may get back together. 
 

 

On 7/15/2020 at 2:09 AM, Lotus_Luna said:

Even if my Ex asked we get together again, I’d probably say no. The timing isn’t good for me. I was seeing someone in May and June. He was lovely but I didn’t feel like I wanted to go anywhere with it. 
 

I think these two statements contradict each other. After a few more posts I'm starting to get more of an idea of what your situation is like.

Look, having broken up, and wanting to stay friends, and not wanting to date anyone else yet are all valid to me. I see how someone who is a significant part of your life is someone you don't want to lose all that easily, and I can also see the need to process before dating again. But what I'm feeling is that you've still got some lingering feelings for him that makes you want to get back together with him - in which case a friendship is never going to work. It can only work if both people feel absolutely that a romantic relationship is completely off the table, but they have enough in common to suggest a friendship will work. As long as you're holding space somewhere for him, you're on a road to being disappointed in the end and slowing down your healing process.

[Lotus_Luna]

16 minutes ago, snowboy91 said:

 

I think these two statements contradict each other. After a few more posts I'm starting to get more of an idea of what your situation is like.

Look, having broken up, and wanting to stay friends, and not wanting to date anyone else yet are all valid to me. I see how someone who is a significant part of your life is someone you don't want to lose all that easily, and I can also see the need to process before dating again. But what I'm feeling is that you've still got some lingering feelings for him that makes you want to get back together with him - in which case a friendship is never going to work. It can only work if both people feel absolutely that a romantic relationship is completely off the table, but they have enough in common to suggest a friendship will work. As long as you're holding space somewhere for him, you're on a road to being disappointed in the end and slowing down your healing process.

I have so much on my plate I cannot handle a relationship as well. I’m holding space because I also know in a few months things will settle down. If he’s interested and I feel settled in my life I’m open to it. 

As of right now he wouldn’t be able to see me for weeks. I don’t have any time! That is why I’m not dating anyone. I do not have the emotional energy for it.

 

I don’t know if he is genuinely looking for just a friend or what. Our lack of open discussion isn’t good. I had a clear talk with my last ex. And we both knew it was done... it was easy to discuss and joke about. 

I think I would move on fine if I met someone who was right. I just haven’t, lovely men. But not life partner material. 

[Luna66star]

Relationships with exes have always fascinated me.  I focus on the motivation for wanting to preserve them.  For me in the past, it was because I still had romantic feelings for them & a part of me couldn't quite let go.  We would hang out but eventually he got horny (as he hadn't yet anyone new) and started getting affectionate.  Naturally, I gave in due to my feelings.

Sorry to say, but staying friends with an ex just keeps me attached to them out of loneliness.  I eventually succumb to the physical relationship.  After that happens, I'm  a goner.  As for the exes, when they know you are not the "one", they are ok with a breakup and are more than willing, in most cases, to hook up with you for sex under the guise of continuing to be "friends".

 

[Trail Blazer]

A buddy of mine has managed to stay friends with an ex he was with for eleven years!  He hasn't been with her for eight years and has been in a relationship with someone for six years.

My buddy catches up with his ex for coffee every now and then, and helps her with stuff like fixing her car, etc.  His current partner has no issues, and is even somewhat friends with his ex, too.

I do not think his situation is the rule.  In fact, it's quite the exception.  However, it's an example, as isolated as it may be, of how remaining friends with an ex has no hindered either party's chances of moving forward.

For mine, I tried remaining friends with my ex.  In reality, it was me not ready to let go and hanging on for dear life.  When I let go, the final shreds of the relationship withered away.

It's been 15 months since we've broken up and I've spoken with her on Messenger once in the last four months.  We'll say happy birthday and that's about it.

Good luck, however it's my belief that for the most part, it's unhealthy to remain close to an ex unless neither of you have any plans to move on.  In which case, you're not really broken up fully.