BF ditched me on 4th of July to go to bar with guy friend

[RoseSky3]

It was the 4th of july weekend and I went over to his house to hang out for the weekend, when I got there he was acting distant and was acting that way the entire time actually. It was 5 pm when I arrived at his house and after hanging out watching tv for 3 hours I asked him if we were gonna go get some dinner. He said he didnt want to go anywhere and he wasnt hungry. I told him I was hungry and we could just drive through something really quick instead of going out to eat. He said "You have two legs. You can go get something by yourself." I thought this was really rude but I didnt fight him on it, I just said um ok I'll just wait until you're hungry. Two more hours goes by and he finally agrees to go get taco bell. I was honestly kind of bummed cuz I wanted a nice night out after not seeing him all week, but I didnt make a fuss about it I was just happy to finally eat something. I paid for the food.

The next day he was on the phone the entire day, going outside and then back inside without telling me, I was left to hang out on his bed doing my own thing the entire day, super bored. He left to get coffee in the morning but didnt get me any coffee. We didnt eat that entire day until 5 pm. I asked him if he was hungry and he said no. He said again, I can go get something by myself. I honestly didnt know the area and didnt want to go by myself so I waited until he was hungry again. Finally, about 2 hours later he agreed to go get a pizza with me. We took it home and ate it, he paid for it.

The night prior I got out of the shower and didnt have a towel. Dripping wet, cold and naked, I walk into his bedroom and he was laying down. I asked him TEN TIMES where a towel was, very nicely, and he pretended to be asleep, totally ignoring me. I shook him and said "Andy, do you have a towel?" He said "You're so annoying! WHAT!? Go FIND ONE YOURSELF!" so I had to look around his room for a towel and found one in his laundry basket. That night in bed, I asked him to cuddle me twice, both times he ignored me.

After eating the pizza, he was acting super cold and not affectionate, being busy on his phone again. I sat down on the couch next to his feet and he said, "There's an empty seat right there." pointing to another chair by his head. I said "This is fine." He said "I told Leo I would meet him in 30 mins so you should probably leave in like 15 minutes." ITS THE FOURTH OF JULY! I said "What?? Why are you being so cold? Why are you acting this way?" He said "Because of the way you're acting. You wont stop bugging me all weekend about getting food. Maybe you should eat before you get here." I said, "We didnt eat all day. It was already 5 pm. I just didnt want to go somewhere alone." He said "Maybe I should find a more independent woman." I said, "You know what? Thats a great idea." I grabbed my keys and left. He didnt even try to stop me or anything. When I got home I realized he had deleted me on instagram.

I found out he went to a bar with Leo that night for hours where he said women asked him to dance and he said "no" as if he's some stand up guy.

He later told me he was tired Friday from hanging out on a boat with his guy friend Tyler and then coming home to hang out with his other guy friend Max where he spent all of his money on weed (he smokes every day), only had $40 in his account & was too embarrassed to tell me. I told him that wouldnt have mattered as I would have paid for the drinks just to have a nice night out with him but he didnt even invite me to go with them or anything.

This was not an isolated incident, he has talked to me like this before - he flips from being a jerk then being nice again quite often.

Edit - before all of you start saying he was probably cheating, I really dont think he was because he had his phone next to me a lot of the day and I could see he was actually texting and calling his guy friends, specifically 2 of his best guy friends the majority of the weekend. However he would carry his phone with him into every room he went that weekend.

UPDATE: Since then he has been sending me apology texts trying to get me back. When I told him I dont think its working out anymore because of the way he has repeatedly treated me, he got mad again and said I need to give him back my birthday gift he got for me a few weeks ago and how he "can find a better woman who isn't desperate for a relationship".

I ignored him and a day later he tried apologizing again. I asked him why he keeps texting me since I gave him an out and he obviously doesnt want to be in this relationship - it has been 5 days since Ive heard from him after that text.

Please give me your thoughts on this whole situation. I could really use some advice or words of comfort. (We were together for only 3 months, we are both 28 yrs old)

[basil67]

My advice is that you did exactly the right thing.   If this is how he behaves so early in a relationship, I'd hate to see him when he relaxes into being his normal self!

If you haven't already done so, block him on all platforms.  

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy is not mature enough for a relationship. 

I would stay broken up, and never allow a guy to be a jerk to you again. He is rude and dismissive and not boyfriend material. 

Time to find a new guy. This one's a dud. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Let this guy stat gone, OP. He is rude, treats you poorly, and is not mature enough for a relationship. 

Take some time on you own, and build up your self-worth so when you see the first clues that a guy is a jerk, you walk away. Don't stick around for more. 

[Mystery4u]

He sounds like a terrible boyfriend. You did the right thing. Do not get back with him, ever. There are a lot of better men out there who will treat you like you deserve.

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, RoseSky3 said:

This was not an isolated incident, he has talked to me like this before - he flips from being a jerk then being nice again quite often.

And you think him being nice is the real him whereas him being a jerk is the real him...
When he needs you for sex and attention he is nice but when he would rather be out with his mates he treats you abysmally and like some annoying little sister...
This is not a relationship this is not love.
Whilst you wait patiently for the good times, you will find they get less and less as he learns he needs to do less and less to keep you around for what he needs.

[stillafool]

He is very rude to you and was acting like you were in his way and he wanted you to go home.  I think you did the right thing by ending it with him as I don't see him changing no matter what he says.  That said, I really don't know why you couldn't go out and get your own food if you were hungry.  If you have a car you can go through a drive thru and not even get out of the car.  That seemed too needy for me but I'm very independent.  You say you didn't know the neighborhood but couldn't you just ask him where you could get food and directions to get there?  I can see why he was annoyed with you.

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He is very rude to you and was acting like you were in his way and he wanted you to go home.  I think you did the right thing by ending it with him as I don't see him changing no matter what he says.  That said, I really don't know why you couldn't go out and get your own food if you were hungry.  If you have a car you can go through a drive thru and not even get out of the car.  That seemed too needy for me but I'm very independent.  You say you didn't know the neighborhood but couldn't you just ask him where you could get food and directions to get there?  I can see why he was annoyed with you.

Yes she could have got her own food but that wasn't the point of her visit.
She wanted to do the coupley thing and go out for food together.
If she wanted to go out for pizza alone she could have stayed at home.
In fact she should have turned on her heels and left as soon as he acted cold and distant and  the minute the TV went on...

[d0nnivain]

You already wasted 90 days of your life on this rude, broke pot smoking . . . guy (read 4 letter word starting with j & ending in k) 

You are a grown woman.  If you were hungry, you could have easily gone out & gotten food.  Not knowing the area is no excuse.  Your phone has some sort of navigation program & you managed to get yourself to his house.  

Don't bother with this guy but when I was dating, if I planned to spend the night or longer with a BF I always showed up with food / drink.  The summer after grad school, I rented a beach house with my BFFs for 2 weeks. we had a small house about 6 blocks from the water.  My BF & his buddies had a killer beach mansion on the ocean.  The trips were planned separately but when I found out how amazing his house was  I preferred to hang at the mansion just to have access to the 'fridge & a non-public bathroom.  So every morning I showed up with bagels or a dozen eggs & a case of beer plus whatever I was drinking.  It was a small price to pay to not be seen as a freeloading intruder.  At one point my BF suggested that I not come by  every day but his buddies were like she's cool; she brings food & isn't a p.i.t.a.  They were fine sharing the bathroom, the deck & the 'fridge for a few hours.  It's about being a good guest.  

That said this guy was simply rude & selfish.  Good riddance.  

[RoseSky3]

Getting my own food wasn't the point. As Elaine said, I wanted to do things with him as a couple for the holiday weekend after not seeing him all week. It was the principle. I often paid for our dinner dates, as well. So in terms of being a good guest, I figured instead of bringing something over at 5pm we could have a nice night out together - that wasn't what I got. Waiting until 5pm the next day until I was offered any food (and he only got himself coffee when he left which isn't being a good host) was also bizarre in my opinion as I was practically crashing and too afraid to ask him to get any food because it always seems to start a fight.

I even told him I wanted a burger that day and instead, he takes us to get pizza.

Food issues aside, his behavior and the way he talked to me was unnecessary. He said "You didnt have to yell at me saturday evening before you left." I said "Actually yeah I did. I should have yelled at you Friday nigh when you were being an a** and left then." I wasn't even "yelling" I was on the verge of crying. 

He continued to justify his behavior by saying "Leo was going to leave on Monday for University so I didnt know when I was going to see him again so yeah I'm going to hang out with my friend." When he could have seen him on Sunday or invited me to go with them.

Looking back on that weekend, I wonder if he was already talking to another woman because he was on his phone more often than usual, and saying "Maybe I should find a more independent woman"...maybe he had someone specific in mind already. 

[d0nnivain]

I focused on the food because there is no reason for you to be hungry.  

Whether he has another woman or not isn't the point.  He was rude & you are better off without him.  

[Ruby Slippers]

I didn't have to read past the first paragraph to see that this guy is a complete jerk. 

11 hours ago, RoseSky3 said:

He said "You have two legs. You can go get something by yourself."

That would have been enough for me to leave. Then you rattled off a dozen other awful things he did. Asking for a birthday present back? What a complete loser.

I'd block him and never look back.

[curlygirl40]

This is so much not about the food, but about how he treated you while you were there.   There is no excuse for the behavior.   Even if he didn't have any money, even if he wasn't hungry, etc., etc.    He was rude to you and I would have left at the first 'you have two feet' or whatever remark.  There's not excuse for that.    Find yourself someone better

[stillafool]

35 minutes ago, RoseSky3 said:

Looking back on that weekend, I wonder if he was already talking to another woman because he was on his phone more often than usual, and saying "Maybe I should find a more independent woman"...maybe he had someone specific in mind already. 

You should have left his house when he kept being on the phone and going outside to talk.  That was rude as hell and you should have gotten up and left.  Especially after making the above comment.  Don't stick around waiting to go eat with anyone who treats you that way.   It will only escalate because you put up with it.  And yes, it does seem that he is on to someone else.

[gaius]

Most people you encounter in life aren't very blunt. They'll tell you things indirectly and it's important if you want to be successful in love and business that you read these signs and respond accordingly.

Him behaving how he did was an effort to tell you to get lost. That he didn't want you there. And you responded by sitting around in his apartment imposing yourself where you weren't welcome. 

Even if you're the greatest catch in the world a potential partner is not going to see you as such if you don't listen and do accept their disrespect. So next time after the first or second nasty, unappreciative comment you leave and don't answer his first few calls. You'll end up much better off in the long run.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, RoseSky3 said:

Looking back on that weekend, I wonder if he was already talking to another woman because he was on his phone more often than usual, and saying "Maybe I should find a more independent woman"...maybe he had someone specific in mind already. 

I wonder that, too. It seems like he was picking fights with you when you didn't take his (very rude) hint that he didn't want you there. Sometimes jerks who behave like this are trying to get you out of the way to make room for someone else. 

And even if he isn't, he's still a giant dip-wad. Don't talk to him anymore; he treated you like crap. 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

You don't have a monopoly on your man's time or if you think you do, you need to communicate that to him and see how he responds.. (He probably won't respond well)

Sounds like communication issues, a problem hosted by both parties, not 1 or the other, you both contribute, thus, you both need to recognize your contributions and open the lines of communication.

I hate to say this, but to be real, if you can't communicate to your bf that your feelings are hurt, thats on you, not him, because he is oblivious to hurting your feelings... He cant take responsibility when you are angry about this and decide to take it out on him in some other way or avenue, but if you don't afford him the opportunity to take responsibility, its on you, not him.

[RoseSky3]

Bandit, I did communicate to him that I was hurt in person before I left. He even said it "broke his heart" to see my face drop after he said that "find a more independent woman" comment. He said he didnt want to show me he cared because he is stubborn. He showed zero feelings when he said that to me while I was crying and left. So I was clearly distraught and he still chose to continue acting like a jerk during that entire conversation, then deleted me on instagram while I was driving home.

Not sure what more I could have done in that situation. The following texts we sent back and forth, he apologized but tried to place to blame on me at the same time. 

[FMW]

Good grief, he sounds really awful!  Leave him in your past and don't look back.  I don't think there's any need to go point by point, there's just way too much wrong with how he treated you - and you know it.  Blech.  

[kendahke]

13 hours ago, RoseSky3 said:

The next day he was on the phone the entire day, going outside and then back inside without telling me, I was left to hang out on his bed doing my own thing the entire day, super bored.

No... you chose to lay in his bed all day doing nothing instead of getting up, getting dressed, getting your keys and leaving him there. You basically let him treat you like crap all day for what?  He didn't make you stay there taking his mess.

When he told you:

14 hours ago, RoseSky3 said:

"You have two legs. You can go get something by yourself."

That was your cue to leave and go back to wherever you're paying rent and not budge one inch in his direction until he antes up an apology. 

As for the rest of your post, I'm not sure why his behavior is so lost in translation for you, but please let me interpret it for you:

HE'S OVER YOU. He wants you gone out of his space. He doesn't want you hanging around like this anymore. Whatever it was that he told you in the beginning, he's changed his mind.  He doesn't have the stones to tell you, so he's letting his rude behavior do his talking for him--you're not catching a clue and that's why he's become increasingly hostile towards you.  You're allowing him to degrade you and that feeds into his disrespect for you. The question is: why are you allowing him to treat you like this? Why do you insist upon being in the space of someone who doesn't want you there?

Go where you are celebrated, not tolerated.

It's time for you to stop pretending that this isn't going on... seriously. You don't get any cookies or gold stars for it.  You just amass lost youth that you can never get back.

[Redhead14]

You were in a relationship with him but this guy was not in a relationship with you.  Block, delete, forget, forever.  Keep moving forward and don't look back.  Do not entertain or initiate any more contact with him.  You cannot make a man be in love with you or want to spend time with you and/or change them.  Either they are meeting your needs for the most part or they aren't.  It sounds to me like you were a convenience to him and was waiting for somebody else to come along. 

[JTSW]

He was sulking because he really wanted to go out with his friends that weekend.

He took it out on you. 

His behavior was disgusting.

Dont go back there.

[Watercolors]

21 hours ago, RoseSky3 said:

Please give me your thoughts on this whole situation. I could really use some advice or words of comfort. (We were together for only 3 months, we are both 28 yrs old)

My thoughts are the same as everyone else's. You've entangled yourself with Mr. One-Sided Guy. He's not emotionally invested in this with you at all. In fact, his treatment of you shows you that he doesn't prioritize you. He treats you like an option. 

Time to reconsider your choice of boyfriend. I think you can do better. You deserve to be with a 28 year old man. Not a 28 year old man-boy. 

Edited July 14, 2020 by Watercolors

[Cmkatrina]

I agree with everyone, he's been treating you like crap because his heart is no longer in it. He's been acting nasty, making spiteful comments because he can't man up and have a civil conversation about his thoughts and feelings with you. You deserve so much better than this man-child, save your efforts and energy and remove him from your life, it'll bring you inner peace.

[Beachead]

Hey Rosesky3,

While reading your post, I could feel what you must have felt because I've been treated this way myself.  I'm sorry you went through an experience like that.  I also agree with everyone else.  If he was like this 3 months in, imagine him later on in the relationship.  Staying in relationships like that are a huge disservice to your well-being.  By staying in it, you teach people like him that you don't care about yourself.   By treating you like that, you're forced into a position where you have to prioritize your well-being over the relationship. If you don't, you're treating yourself badly and you coincidently teach him its alright to do the same.  Over time, the whole thing just breaks you down; confidence, self-esteem etc.  Once you lose that, the rest of your life starts to suffer.  Work, school, relationships with family and friends etc.  And when all that starts to go downhill, your well-being goes down with it.  It's a long dark hole right to the bottom and it begins with one toxic person.  Never underestimate that. 

So, you did the right thing for yourself, by breaking up with him.  Make sure you block him social media.  Don't answer his phone-calls.  Detox and give yourself some space to heal from this and carry on forward.  You will find better.

- Beach

Edited July 15, 2020 by Beachead