BF ditched me on 4th of July to go to bar with guy friend

[RoseSky3]

Thank you everyone. I havent heard from him since the last text I sent him 7 days ago where I said, "Why keep texting me? I gave you an out since you obviously dont want to be in this relationship." However the texts before that, he was still apologetic. So I really dont know if I did the right thing. Should I have taken him back? The doubt is creeping in. I looked at his social media and he has already moved onto someone else. He has only added 1 girl in this past week (I thought for sure he would have added more, but its just this one girl) and he has liked 2 of her most recent pictures.

This to me signals that he has moved on because she's the only girl he's actively showing interest in right now and it hurts, I'm not going to lie. She even looks like me. I went out on a date today but to be honest, I didnt like the guy that much. It just made me want to go home and call Andy even more. I resisted and called my girl friend who talked me down from it.

I'm sad...I know me and him fought but we would always get back together and now he isnt trying anymore.

He said he only started acting like a jerk because I was being accusatory of him with other girls. Now I feel really bad about that because if he has only added one girl since me...maybe he was trustworthy. Maybe this really is my fault.

[Mystery4u]

4 minutes ago, RoseSky3 said:

Thank you everyone. I havent heard from him since the last text I sent him 7 days ago where I said, "Why keep texting me? I gave you an out since you obviously dont want to be in this relationship." However the texts before that, he was still apologetic. So I really dont know if I did the right thing. Should I have taken him back? The doubt is creeping in. I looked at his social media and he has already moved onto someone else. He has only added 1 girl in this past week (I thought for sure he would have added more, but its just this one girl) and he has liked 2 of her most recent pictures.

This to me signals that he has moved on because she's the only girl he's actively showing interest in right now and it hurts, I'm not going to lie. She even looks like me. I went out on a date today but to be honest, I didnt like the guy that much. It just made me want to go home and call Andy even more. I resisted and called my girl friend who talked me down from it.

I'm sad...I know me and him fought but we would always get back together and now he isnt trying anymore.

He said he only started acting like a jerk because I was being accusatory of him with other girls. Now I feel really bad about that because if he has only added one girl since me...maybe he was trustworthy. Maybe this really is my fault.

You have actually got to be joking.

Read your opening post again. Why would you even think about going back to being treated like that. Andy is a loser and a very big one at that.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, RoseSky3 said:

Thank you everyone. I havent heard from him since the last text I sent him 7 days ago where I said, "Why keep texting me? I gave you an out since you obviously dont want to be in this relationship." However the texts before that, he was still apologetic. So I really dont know if I did the right thing. Should I have taken him back? 

I'm sad...I know me and him fought but we would always get back together and now he isnt trying anymore.

Girl. 

This guy doesn't care about you the way you want him to. And when you're fighting and "always getting back together" and you've only dated 3 months? You two don't have a future. This isn't what decent relationships look like. You have set you ego aside (the part that's sad that he isn't trying) and look at this for what it really was: you clinging on to hope that this clown would notice your value. 

He treated you miserably. Delete him off you social media so you can work on your self-esteem and find a guy who actually cares. 

[healing light]

Oh man, one week post break up and only one girl? What a winner. 🙄

Really, this is such a clear cut case of a disrespectful, terrible boyfriend that I almost feel like your latest post is trolling us.

This man had callous disregard for your sense of comfort and well-being. I'm sure he was feeding himself when he was out and about getting coffee and doing whatever, hoping you would be gone by the time he came back to his room. My very first impression was that he was trying to treat you badly so you would break up with him while he was lining up your replacement. Then he hit the club with his buddies and didn't score like he thought he would, so he tried reconciling a few days later when he got horny.

Honestly, who wants to be someone's semen dumpster?

You can do better. NEXT!

[Beachead]

@RoseSky3

4 hours ago, RoseSky3 said:

I looked at his social media and he has already moved onto someone else.

For your well-being, you need to block him on all your Social Media accounts.  It wasn't easy for you to end it with him and it seems you'll struggle with the recovery for a little while and you need to make it as easy on yourself as possible.  Social Media has a way of taking that anxiety you feel and dialing it up to the highest volume, because you look at his profile, you see him having fun or hanging out with someone you don't know and you start creating story in your head...a story that plays to your anxiety. That story won't likely be the real one but you'll suffer over it and think about it.  What you need is to get your mind off of him and the first step to getting there is to get him out of your sight.  

You're having second thoughts and anxiety is clouding your judgement, which is normal.  But, don't allow it to fool you, into thinking you were in a happy relationship.  Reread your first post on this thread.  You were unhappy with the way he treated you, and rightfully so.  You broke up with him for a good reason.  What I would do is write out the reasons that led to all these breakups you've had.  Write out what he did that upset you that made you want to end it.  These points are crucial to helping you deal with the anxiety you feel.

Quote

He has only added 1 girl in this past week (I thought for sure he would have added more, but its just this one girl) and he has liked 2 of her most recent pictures.

You two broke up, over his poor treatment of you, and he's already seeing someone else.  That shows you that you made the right decision.

Quote

I went out on a date today but to be honest, I didnt like the guy that much. It just made me want to go home and call Andy even more. I resisted and called my girl friend who talked me down from it.

Don't date right now.  You're fresh out of a breakup.  Any guy you involve yourself with will just be a rebound and you'll end up hurting them in the process because it's not what you want or need right now.  You need time to sort out your own feelings and heal from this breakup first.  Don't introduce someone elses feelings into the mix.  You will be responsible for them and you won't be able to manage it, when you're currently trying to get passed this.

- Beach

Edited July 15, 2020 by Beachead

[stillafool]

This was probably the girl he was communicating with on his phone on 7/4 and he's just now added her to his account.  Good riddance to bad rubbish.

[d0nnivain]

Even if you were accusing him of being with other girls, your insecurity is no reason to be rude to you.  He has poor conflict resolution skills.  

Do not doubt yourself.  dumping him was one of the smartest things you did. 

Now that you have some free time on your hands you really need to examine why you have so little self respect that you would doubt yourself about your decision but more importantly what made you so insecure in the 1st place.  With him based on how he behaved on the 4th of July I suspect there were good reasons you had concerns about his behavior with other women. 

Do yourself a huge favor & disconnect on social media

[Ruby Slippers]

This guy is a dick and this relationship sounds miserable. I agree you should block him from any and all communication channels. Rename him in your email contacts to something to remind you of what a complete jerk he is. 

Sure, he'll probably replace you quickly, then churn through dozens of women until/unless he ever gets a clue about how to treat a woman.

Definitely take a look at your self-esteem, because it's obviously very low given that you're even thinking about getting back with this complete jerk.

[RoseSky3]

For some reason after a break up, I always beat myself up no matter what happened & I want the guy back for a week or two, sometimes longer. I guess its just my letting go process. I tend to blame myself because I have a lot of empathy for other people. I guess thats part of my self-esteem issue too. I drove my girl friends and my family crazy these past few days talking about it, trying to make sense of everything. Needed that outlet to release the emotions. You all helped too, so thank you. I re-read a lot of your posts when I felt really sad and it made the logical side of my brain overpower the emotional side that wants him back. 

I realized I actually dont want him back. Because he's already talking to other women and thats so disrespectful, but also because I wouldnt be happy if I got back with him anyway. It would just be more of the same. We would have a good week and then we would probably fight again. The way he handles arguments...thats not a relationship that will stand the test of time. It also makes me really mad when I think about certain things he has said to me in the past. Hopefully I get over him soon, because I dont want to feel this way anymore. I dont want to miss him. I want to let him go.

[healing light]

1 hour ago, RoseSky3 said:

but also because I wouldnt be happy if I got back with him anyway.

Yes, try to remember this when you have difficult moments. A big reason most people get into relationships is because they feel that the partnership will enrich their lives and contribute to their happiness in some way. No point in sacrificing yourself for a person who couldn't even show you basic human decency during the honeymoon period. Really, most people start letting the skeletons roll out of the closet later on in relationships, like 6+ months in. If someone can't even keep the red flags in until then, you can only imagine how much more his behavior will deteriorate over time. 

I, too, hold on to things past their expiration date because I am pretty empathetic and it breaks my heart to think of people who I love being sad, etc. even when there are obvious incompatibilities or mistreatment. So, you're not alone in feeling this way. But it is something you want to get a hold on now so that you don't end up being taken advantage of or one of those women stuck in a dangerous situation. 

If you were able to hop in a time machine and change things on your end, the moment he said that comment about 2 legs or left you alone in his room while he did whatever should have been when you left. Don't hang around for someone's disrespect when the time you're spending with them is not quality time. When you make yourself available for people to keep crapping on you, it will make you feel worse about yourself and it will result in the person respecting you less over time. If you can't think about your own needs in that moment, ask yourself if you would want a man to treat your future daughter this way or one of your friends this way. That should help give you perspective on when to walk.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, stay single and work on your man-picker. It's not working well if you're choosing guys like this, and not leaving the first time you are disrespected. 

Where did you meet this guy, anyway?

[RoseSky3]

I know I shouldnt care...but do you think things will work out between him and the new girl? He seems to have replaced me already.

He purposely wouldnt like my pictures on instagram & he said I "dressed like a hoe" (I asked my friends and family, they all said I didnt) but he goes around liking other girls pictures in bikinis who are half naked. So its ok if they do it, but not me.  

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, RoseSky3 said:

I know I shouldnt care...but do you think things will work out between him and the new girl?

Who cares?  You certainly shouldn't.  Why on earth are you still wasting time on a man who was so awful to you?  the more you post, the more dreadful he sounds.  Calling you a 'hoe... . .girl, just NO

[Ruby Slippers]

22 minutes ago, RoseSky3 said:

I know I shouldnt care...but do you think things will work out between him and the new girl? He seems to have replaced me already.

Probably not, as she's simply his new punching bag (emotional/verbal), and no decent woman will put up with that.

It's very easy after a breakup to focus on the other person - what they did wrong, what they're doing now. But where you need to be focusing is yourself. What signs did you ignore to get to the point of him being so awful to you, why did you put up with it, and what are you going to do to improve your poor self-esteem so you don't let it happen again?

It's a good time to consider counseling so you can get to the bottom of this and formulate better habits to prepare you for next time.

[ExpatInItaly]

26 minutes ago, RoseSky3 said:

I know I shouldnt care...but do you think things will work out between him and the new girl? He seems to have replaced me already.

We can't begin to guess. We don't know what their history is (if any), how he's been treating her, whether or not she puts up with his BS, how long he's been trying to sweeten her up. 

And even it doesn't work out? It is irrelevant. He treated you like crap. And he is not the measuring stick of how much you are worth. even though you seem to be viewing it that way. I wouldn't this fool take me to the IKEA food court for a 50-cent cone, let alone on a date. You need to figure out where the heck your self-esteem is, girl. You're attaching yourself to the wrong guys and seeing their crappy behaviour as a reflection of your value. 

Why do you suppose this is? 

[RoseSky3]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why do you suppose this is? 

I was really falling hard in love with the guy, I know how that sounds but we had some really great times and a deep connection that I havent found in anyone else for a very long time. I basically just focused on the negatives that weekend when I wrote that first post, but didnt mention all the nice things he did for me all the other weekends - like driving me 2 hours just so we could find a secluded beach together, or how he would call me his queen and say how lucky he was to have me, etc. 

I obviously need to work on my low self esteem. I'm just heartbroken right now.

[NuevoYorko]

Don't take this personally, because it's not meant that way - but I got no indication from anything that you wrote here that the guy even liked you at all.  Clearly, I'm not seeing a single reason for you to like him, either.

Next time fall for a man that likes you, and shows it.  Otherwise - next.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, RoseSky3 said:

I basically just focused on the negatives that weekend when I wrote that first post, but didnt mention all the nice things he did for me all the other weekends - like driving me 2 hours just so we could find a secluded beach together, or how he would call me his queen and say how lucky he was to have me, etc. 

I obviously need to work on my low self esteem. I'm just heartbroken right now.

Those were negatives you needed to focus on, OP.  Your gut was screaming at you that this wasn't normal or healthy for you.

This guy has called you names, been rude to you, been dismissive of your feelings and treated you like you were a nuisance. When a jackass calls you a queen, you can't take it seriously. Those words mean nothing when the behaviour reveals a jerk's true character. 

And yes, I would concentrate now on your self-esteem. It's what is blurring your vision and making you think you had a deep connection with someone who evidently did not feel the same about you. You cannot let a few sweet nothings override poor treatment. I am curious, have you previously dated other guys like this? Stayed with men who don't treat you right? What do your friends and family make of this break-up?

[Beachead]

@RoseSky3

19 minutes ago, RoseSky3 said:

like driving me 2 hours just so we could find a secluded beach together

Hmmm, but the thing is, did he drive for 2 hours to find a secluded beach, just for you?  Or was it also for himself?  

Quote

how he would call me his queen and say how lucky he was to have me, etc. 

And how did he show that to you at the end of it all?  

Take it from a guy who's been told "I love you" and "You're important to me" and all kinds of sweet things in the past, by people who are no longer in my life by their choice, not mine....words should never be taken as a primary sign that a person cares about you.  The real answers lie in the actions; in what they do and don't do, is how they feel.  The words, should always supplement and support the behaviour.   

..this guy is already with another female.  What does that tell you?  And what is going back to him going to bring you?  The reason, this thread began was because you got to a point where you were tired of his behaviour and you felt like something was off.  Don't backtrack on that now, because you're feeling like you won't find better.   That tells me you don't believe in yourself, so yes, you have some confidence and self-esteem issues, and it'll do you really well, to start working on exercises that'll help you realize your own value and worth.

A little exercise for you, if you wish to try it out with us, or through a personal message, is try to bring up 2 things about yourself that you're good at and 2 moments in your life that you're proud of.  

- Beach

 

[RoseSky3]

Ok...so you really dont think his apology texts were genuine? Its over completely, I havent heard from him in over a week...but Im starting to feel bad because I just remember his apology texts and me continuing to be angry at him and then he stopped replying. He also said I was being too sensitive because the "you have two legs" comment he claims was sarcasm.

I just want to make sure I wasnt overreacting or missed my chance to fix the situation when he was actively apologizing. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, RoseSky3 said:

Ok...so you really dont think his apology texts were genuine? 

I just want to make sure I wasnt overreacting or missed my chance to fix the situation when he was actively apologizing. 

Nope. 

A person who is genuinely sorry doesn't behave in crappy ways repeatedly. This wasn't the first time he'd been an ass to you. You can't fix someone who's fundamentally a doosh canoe, OP. This would have happened again. I guarantee it. He doesn't have any respect for you, and without respect, there is no chance of a relationship that will last and bring you any sort of happiness. 

You need to stop beating yourself up. You didn't lose a grand prize here. You finally listened to your gut telling you this guy didn't give a flying fig about you, and wasn't into you the way you were into him. At three months, there should never be this much turmoil. 

Again, do you have a history of making excuses for yourself to stay in bad relationships? Attaching yourself to the wrong kind of men?

 

 

Edited July 17, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Beachead]

@RoseSky3

5 hours ago, RoseSky3 said:

Ok...so you really dont think his apology texts were genuine?

No.  I doubt it.

But more importantly,  I suggest you draw on the reasons that made you leave in the first place.  Write them out.  Stick them to your ceiling or your wall or keep it in your phone and read it to yourself.  You're overlooking those reasons now, because you're doubting yourself.  Why are you not confident in your own decision?  If it was so great, why'd you leave?   From what you wrote here, this guy conducts himself poorly whenever he's stressed or under pressure and takes it out on you and its been a repeated thing in a span of only 3 months.   I imagine if you two got back together,  it'd be more of the same.   

- Beach

 

 

Edited July 17, 2020 by Beachead

[Redhead14]

Go back and really read your original post but read it as though it was written by your sister or your very best friend.  What would you tell them???  This guy treated you very poorly -- certainly not the way a guy would treat woman he cares for and considers to be his girlfriend.  Get in touch with some anger over this and use it to your advantage to move forward.

[spiderowl]

On 7/13/2020 at 6:35 PM, curlygirl40 said:

This is so much not about the food, but about how he treated you while you were there.   There is no excuse for the behavior.   Even if he didn't have any money, even if he wasn't hungry, etc., etc.    He was rude to you and I would have left at the first 'you have two feet' or whatever remark.  There's not excuse for that.    Find yourself someone better

Curlygirl is spot on here.  His behaviour was awful and uncaring.  He can't even apologise without trying to blame you too.  You did the right thing by walking out.  I will say you should have done it sooner, but you did it in the end.

You have learned something important here, not to let a guy abuse you.  As soon as he is rude, he should be pulled up on it.  If he is rude again, then it is clearly in his nature and you might as well walk.  Be proud of having stood up for yourself.  I don't think you should let this guy back into you life, even if he grovels and apologises.  Any guy who can talk to you like that is not a good guy.  He does not respect you or care about you.  He only cares about himself (and probably that he's going to miss sex now).

A better future awaits you ...

[spiderowl]

If someone treats you badly, it is easy to feel you must have done something wrong to be treated so badly.  That is not the case.  Nice, decent, wonderful people have also been treated badly by partners - and hopefully have left them.  It affects your self esteem if someone does not seem to value you.  The thing to remember is that his opinion of you does not matter.  He is not your judge and jury.  He is a guy who did not treat his girlfriend well.  You, on the other hand, are someone who loved him and cared about him.  Another guy will eventually come along, when you are ready, who will treat you with respect.  Just be careful that you do not dismiss him because he does so.