Am I being selfish?

[Sarah_K]

Hey everyone

Please go easy on me!

I'm a flight attendant down here in Sydney Australia and whilst working I have met someone. He works in Engineering and IT for our airline and he lives in the UK. We met each other whilst I was abroad and he was working at the airport, we got talking and we went out for dinner together in Hong Kong (Fantastic first date!)

We have been going steady meeting up across Europe and other destinations and spending time together. We have had so much fun together. 

Last time me and my boyfriend saw each other was at Christmas I flew over to the UK and spent the days after Christmas and New Year with him.

We talk every day and I started flying a lot more and we kept missing each other in countries. 

Then covid happened.

We've not seen each other for months, We had planned for him to come down for 3 weeks (1 week holiday and 2 weeks working). I got some news beginning of the month that I won't be working until July next year.

Now I just want to go spend time with my boyfriend. I am jobless and but I have enough reserves to see me though the next few months. I just want to book a flight and go be with him. Is this selfish of me? My boyfriend says he would love to see me, but he is busy at work so doesn't want to say "Come come come" (I saw engineering are very busy). Even if I am just there to cook for him and be there when he gets home 

My friend says it is selfish because the UK would expect him to support me, I have money and can look after myself. Just want to be with my boyfriend 

What would you do if you was me?

[d0nnivain]

If he's willing, see if you can book a trip at a time when he can take at least a long weekend off to get you acclimated.  Agree that if you living there being his "housewife" doesn't work out, you will go home no hard feelings.   

It's really tough to go from long distance to living together.  It can be even worse when the host has to work but the visitor has no other employment or social opportunities. 

[FMW]

Unless he is 100% encouraging and excited about the thought of you coming to visit, I would not do it. 

14 minutes ago, Sarah_K said:

Last time me and my boyfriend saw each other was at Christmas I flew over to the UK and spent the days after Christmas and New Year with him.

You haven't actually seen him for 6 months, that's a really long time for any relationship, but especially one that has involved seeing each other primarily in a fun travel mode, not a day to day real life setting.  I think there's a really great chance that you will be disappointed in the reality of being there and fitting in to his work schedule.  If he's not fully on board with the visit, he might resent having to fit you in.  Since you made the effort the last time, I would want to see him make the effort for the next visit, or at the very least be the one asking you to come to him.   

  

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Sarah_K said:

My boyfriend says he would love to see me, but he is busy at work so doesn't want to say "Come come come" (I saw engineering are very busy). Even if I am just there to cook for him and be there when he gets home 

THIS.  "he would love to see you, but he is busy at work".  He doesn't sound thrilled for you to come live with him.  He sounds a little hesitant.  Maybe it's not a good idea if he is not jumping at the chance.

[Sarah_K]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

If he's willing, see if you can book a trip at a time when he can take at least a long weekend off to get you acclimated.  Agree that if you living there being his "housewife" doesn't work out, you will go home no hard feelings.   

It's really tough to go from long distance to living together.  It can be even worse when the host has to work but the visitor has no other employment or social opportunities. 

A long weekend would be a good idea, I would specify that if things don't work out I can go no questions asked and no hard feelings.

I think it would be good to try to at least spend some time together, when he is working I could always visit his local city or local town and explore.

1 hour ago, FMW said:

Unless he is 100% encouraging and excited about the thought of you coming to visit, I would not do it. 

You haven't actually seen him for 6 months, that's a really long time for any relationship, but especially one that has involved seeing each other primarily in a fun travel mode, not a day to day real life setting.  I think there's a really great chance that you will be disappointed in the reality of being there and fitting in to his work schedule.  If he's not fully on board with the visit, he might resent having to fit you in.  Since you made the effort the last time, I would want to see him make the effort for the next visit, or at the very least be the one asking you to come to him.   

  

He has said to give him dates and he will make sure he is working 9-5 and he will pick me up from the airport if I choose to come. I just want to see him and he wants to see me. He has said some things we can do together. 

[Emilie Jolie]

I was under the impression that the Australian government has put a very strict travel ban in place, and that you can't actually leave unless you have an exemption which you need to apply for - is that not the case?

Sounds like you're on furlough for the year  - would your employer let you travel on one of their flight at a reduced price? Last minute tickets cost an absolute fortune at the moment (as you probably know), and your bf would have to pick you up (not so many trains running across the country at the moment) and obviously host you.

Australians coming here are on a 6-month tourist visa I think, not sure you'd be able to work on that - not that there is much work going around at the moment.

As far as being selfish, I don't think you are - you've not seen him in 6 months, you're free for the next year and you're attached to him so it makes sense that you'd want to spend as much time as possible with hi,. Rather than selfish, it sounds too hopeful / unrealistic - it's worth talking about it with him one more time just to be sure, but I would not recommend buying a ticket on a whim and coming over.  He needs to be 100% on board with it.

 

 

[Sarah_K]

6 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

THIS.  "he would love to see you, but he is busy at work".  He doesn't sound thrilled for you to come live with him.  He sounds a little hesitant.  Maybe it's not a good idea if he is not jumping at the chance.

When I spoke to him he said

"I will book you a ticket right now. but I don't want you getting bored if I am working"

[Sarah_K]

1 minute ago, Emilie Jolie said:

I was under the impression that the Australian government has put a very strict travel ban in place, and that you can't actually leave unless you have an exemption which you need to apply for - is that not the case?

Sounds like you're on furlough for the year  - would your employer let you travel on one of their flight at a reduced price? Last minute tickets cost an absolute fortune at the moment (as you probably know), and your bf would have to pick you up (not so many trains running across the country at the moment) and obviously host you.

Australians coming here are on a 6-month tourist visa I think, not sure you'd be able to work on that - not that there is much work going around at the moment.

As far as being selfish, I don't think you are - you've not seen him in 6 months, you're free for the next year and you're attached to him so it makes sense that you'd want to spend as much time as possible with hi,. Rather than selfish, it sounds too hopeful / unrealistic - it's worth talking about it with him one more time just to be sure, but I would not recommend buying a ticket on a whim and coming over.  He needs to be 100% on board with it.

 

 

Oh heck, yes  I do remember they said but I was under the impression it was relaxed.

I've been laid off temporarily not furloughed.

That ends this this. I guess skype it is for however long  

[Emilie Jolie]

5 minutes ago, Sarah_K said:

Oh heck, yes  I do remember they said but I was under the impression it was relaxed.

I've been laid off temporarily not furloughed.

That ends this this. I guess skype it is for however long  

I'm sorry, Sarah.  

I guess you could ask for compassionate leave but you'd need to book a return flight at the same time, and I assume you / your bf would have to provide some sort of documentation to prove you are in a relationship, which may not be possible at this stage in your relationship? It's a very long shot, though. Hopefully won't be for too long and he'll be able to come to you instead on one of his work visits.

[ExpatInItaly]

Is it even possible for you to travel to the UK right now for non-essential reasons? 

 

[chillii]

What a classic story for me personally because after divorce l met a flight attendant and all the things you talk about were so us too. She'd take and wangle all these different trips so we saw each other more as well as our usual stays. Shut up chillii , now l'm feeling all emotional thinking back. Anyway , your not being selfish at all God no you want to do this for you guys and it's the perfect opportunity to get some real time together it's opportunities lik this you have to grab anytime you can in this situation. We had to watch out for and grab anytime we could too. lt's a great idea and your right for money anyway so none of the supporting stuff even comes into it. But that's of course if he wants to too. On that note man could l write a book or two about that.

Thing is , from he's point of view , a short stay first , although it's a big ask on you especially in these times , is a good idea if at all possible, just to see how things go first without being locked into it. l know especially early in l had all kinds of worries about her coming and locked in to a 3mth stay or 2 mths , straight off the bat. What if it didn't go well , what if we stopped getting a long , l'd feel all responsible and bound , she might be stuck here. We had all these back up plans just encase and she always joked about getting back on the plane and going home , or taking off on a holiday instead if we hated each other all kinds of crap we'd have a laugh about all the what ifs.l was over hers for a few wks once too while she had to work. That one was a bit awkward at times l must admit because she just wasn't use to  coming home to someone after a 3 day trip and exhausted , or someone being at home in her place while she was at work, at first it was a bit weird.

 

Edited July 14, 2020 by chillii

[kendahke]

7 hours ago, Sarah_K said:

What would you do if you was me?

I wouldn't go unless he wanted to see me more than the next breath he took.

If he's going to be too busy to entertain you, then don't go.  You're going to end up resenting that you're cooking and doing wifey things for him when he'll be too busy/too tired to entertain you. You're not going to want to spend however many weeks there cooking and cleaning for him--and the country is still on lockdown, so there's not a whole lot to do still.

Save your money or invest it since you've got it like that.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Sarah_K said:

"I will book you a ticket right now. but I don't want you getting bored if I am working"

Honestly, I think this is him discouraging you from coming. 

He might be perfectly honest that he needs to work, of course, but he also hasn't seen you for months. He sounds pretty lukewarm about the prospect of you being there. For that reason, I would hesitate to go. I don't think he's as into this plan as you are. 

[Sarah_K]

9 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

I'm sorry, Sarah.  

I guess you could ask for compassionate leave but you'd need to book a return flight at the same time, and I assume you / your bf would have to provide some sort of documentation to prove you are in a relationship, which may not be possible at this stage in your relationship? It's a very long shot, though. Hopefully won't be for too long and he'll be able to come to you instead on one of his work visits.

I wouldn't get it we don't have anything concrete on paper saying we are together. He did suggest coming to me when he is over next but then he doesn't know when that will be

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Is it even possible for you to travel to the UK right now for non-essential reasons? 

 

The UK has an air bridge with Aus. I thought it was reciprocal but it isn't 

6 hours ago, chillii said:

What a classic story for me personally because after divorce l met a flight attendant and all the things you talk about were so us too. She'd take and wangle all these different trips so we saw each other more as well as our usual stays. Shut up chillii , now l'm feeling all emotional thinking back. Anyway , your not being selfish at all God no you want to do this for you guys and it's the perfect opportunity to get some real time together it's opportunities lik this you have to grab anytime you can in this situation. We had to watch out for and grab anytime we could too. lt's a great idea and your right for money anyway so none of the supporting stuff even comes into it. But that's of course if he wants to too. On that note man could l write a book or two about that.

Thing is , from he's point of view , a short stay first , although it's a big ask on you especially in these times , is a good idea if at all possible, just to see how things go first without being locked into it. l know especially early in l had all kinds of worries about her coming and locked in to a 3mth stay or 2 mths , straight off the bat. What if it didn't go well , what if we stopped getting a long , l'd feel all responsible and bound , she might be stuck here. We had all these back up plans just encase and she always joked about getting back on the plane and going home , or taking off on a holiday instead if we hated each other all kinds of crap we'd have a laugh about all the what ifs.l was over hers for a few wks once too while she had to work. That one was a bit awkward at times l must admit because she just wasn't use to  coming home to someone after a 3 day trip and exhausted , or someone being at home in her place while she was at work, at first it was a bit weird.

 

We've had weeks together either in the UK or here in Aus, We've done normally couple-y things and I spent Christmas last year with him and his family. It was lovely. 

I get where you are coming from about me being trapped, I just want to be with him. I know for months he was on his own. I know I would find it strange if he was at mine, as I'm not used to anyone being there. I just want to try though. 

3 hours ago, kendahke said:

I wouldn't go unless he wanted to see me more than the next breath he took.

If he's going to be too busy to entertain you, then don't go.  You're going to end up resenting that you're cooking and doing wifey things for him when he'll be too busy/too tired to entertain you. You're not going to want to spend however many weeks there cooking and cleaning for him--and the country is still on lockdown, so there's not a whole lot to do still.

Save your money or invest it since you've got it like that.

He does keep asking when we can see each other again,  We skype and whatsapp an awful lot. Always before I go bed and same with him. He has always answered when I've needed him and I just really want to be with him right now with whats going on.

[Sarah_K]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Honestly, I think this is him discouraging you from coming. 

He might be perfectly honest that he needs to work, of course, but he also hasn't seen you for months. He sounds pretty lukewarm about the prospect of you being there. For that reason, I would hesitate to go. I don't think he's as into this plan as you are. 

He is exceptionally busy. I've heard that from others who have asked me whats up with him, I know he is extremely stressed because airlines (just not mine) are starting up air travel routes and they need engineers to check aircraft.

Times he has video called me from work and he just looks tired. If I'll add to his stress I don't want to do that.

[chillii]

 

Ha, words out of my ex's mouth expat .  And for me l suppose you could say she was right l was lukewarm especially early days but for me it was just about reasons l mentioned and what ifs.

[Sarah_K]

16 minutes ago, chillii said:

 

Ha, words out of my ex's mouth expat .  And for me l suppose you could say she was right l was lukewarm especially early days but for me it was just about reasons l mentioned and what ifs.

I know he will be thinking the same

[Mystery4u]

I'm confused why you think it would be selfish? Just because this 'friend' said it? Is this a guy friend by any chance? Sounds like he doesn't want you to see your boyfriend.

There's nothing selfish about it at all. I used to have a LDR with someone in the US (Im in UK) and used to visit her for weeks at a time, when she still had work, as I get a lot more days off than she does. I would drop her off at work, pick her up as well, and sometimes would go to her work with her and spend the day at her work with her.

Book your ticket as soon as you are able to and go spend some time with your boyfriend, forget what anyone else thinks!

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Sarah_K said:

The UK has an air bridge with Aus. I thought it was reciprocal but it isn't 

To clarify, does that mean you cannot go there right now anyway?

[chillii]

5 hours ago, Sarah_K said:

I know he will be thinking the same

Yeah right . lt was silly really on my part l mean she wasn't worried about it dunno why l was , my male protectiveness maybe. But she was flying across the world, l just felt really responsible for all the what if's.

 

Edited July 14, 2020 by chillii

[Sarah_K]

14 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

I'm confused why you think it would be selfish? Just because this 'friend' said it? Is this a guy friend by any chance? Sounds like he doesn't want you to see your boyfriend.

There's nothing selfish about it at all. I used to have a LDR with someone in the US (Im in UK) and used to visit her for weeks at a time, when she still had work, as I get a lot more days off than she does. I would drop her off at work, pick her up as well, and sometimes would go to her work with her and spend the day at her work with her.

Book your ticket as soon as you are able to and go spend some time with your boyfriend, forget what anyone else thinks!

He is male and I can't book as there isn't a reciprocal air bridge for covid 

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

To clarify, does that mean you cannot go there right now anyway?

No going to the UK if I could get there I wouldn't need to quarantine but would here.

Only if i got an exemption which I wouldn't  

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

"I have the funds to carry me for the next couple months... So i'll take a flight."

Not to be rude, but what are you thinking? Your not gonna be working for a whole year and within that year, I guarantee you some unseen expense will hit your wallet.. This guy is not the priority, having a roof over your head is.

[Els]

20 hours ago, Sarah_K said:

Oh heck, yes  I do remember they said but I was under the impression it was relaxed.

Hell, no. Also, even if you do manage to leave... there are Australians who have been stuck abroad and trying to fly back for months - apparently the flight tickets now are around $20k each, flights are frequently cancelled, and some airlines will require you to fly business class. The government's response is basically "If you wanted to come back you would have done so earlier, we aren't going to foot your return bill" - which tbh is pretty fair.

This is a terrible time to be traveling. What if you expend all your savings on this trip, it doesn't work out (or worse), you want to fly back home, and can't afford the return ticket? You can't work in the UK and have no way of supporting yourself there. Add to that the fact that he doesn't sound particularly thrilled...

On any regular year I'd say "why not", this year I'd definitely recommend "no".

Edited July 14, 2020 by Elswyth

[Sarah_K]

Its not like I can go anyway

[Watercolors]

11 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

"I have the funds to carry me for the next couple months... So i'll take a flight."

Not to be rude, but what are you thinking? Your not gonna be working for a whole year and within that year, I guarantee you some unseen expense will hit your wallet.. This guy is not the priority, having a roof over your head is.

100% agree with CAPSLOCK BANDIT. 

You have lost your job for an entire year. Unless you plan to move to the UK for the next year and find some kind of interim work (temp agency, retail, etc., or work for another airline), I don't think you should squander your savings on "what if." It stinks that COVID has prevented you and your boyfriend from being together for the past 6 months. But why should you sacrifice what little savings you have, if HE is the one with the full-time job.

HE should offer to buy you a plane ticket to visit HIM. Not the other way around. He should respect that you have experienced major income loss right now. And, if he REALLY wants to see you, he would make you a priority despite his busy work schedule. FYI: everyone who works is busy. That phrase "I'm too busy" just ruffles my feathers when people tell me that. Guess what. We're all busy. It's just said as a way to avoid conflict with another person; a convenient excuse said to avoid taking responsibility. 

You should be your first priority right now. Not your boyfriend. He has a full-time job. He has a steady flow of income. You don't. It's totally inconsiderate of him not to offer to pay for you to fly to see him. And telling you that you'll just be bored when he's not around? Not a good sign in my dating book, when a boyfriend says that. He should be over the moon that you want to see him and spend time with him. He should be willing to help you out financially with your trip to see him, instead of putting the onus on you.