Most hurtful thing during an affair

[Subversa]

So I am not sure if this is the right place to open this thread, I hope the moderators can guide me. 
What was the most hurtful thing you found out about your spouse/SO’s cheating? 
For me there are a few things that nag a lot even after getting counseling. I found out that my husband regularly shared my photos with the MOW on her request. Just random photos of me doing day to day activities.   
This breach of my privacy and personal space has been a huge trigger even after years. I feel angry all over again just thinking about it. 

[Crazelnut]

This should go in the Infidelity subforum. so you're in the right place. And let me just say how horrible that was of him. What an invasion of your privacy! Please tell me you're not still with him.

Edited July 14, 2020 by Crazelnut

[pepperbird]

10 hours ago, Subversa said:

So I am not sure if this is the right place to open this thread, I hope the moderators can guide me. 
What was the most hurtful thing you found out about your spouse/SO’s cheating? 
For me there are a few things that nag a lot even after getting counseling. I found out that my husband regularly shared my photos with the MOW on her request. Just random photos of me doing day to day activities.   
This breach of my privacy and personal space has been a huge trigger even after years. I feel angry all over again just thinking about it. 

wow- I'm not surprised you're PO'ed. I would be too. What sort of a person would do this? They both sound like real pieces of work.

What bothered me the most was the way he would just go along with his OW when she would try and put me in a bad light. I saw messages between them, and in one, he commented that he was at home alone because I was at the hospital with our younger daughter.  She started in with the "oh you poor baby, she's neglecting you" routine, which he, like a fool, ate right up.

[Atwood]

What an awful thing for them to do to you. I'm so sorry. 

I haven't been cheated on as far as I'm aware, but the person closest to me who has been cheated told me the lying is worse than the betrayal. It's one thing to betray the trust of someone you love, but to then lie about it is such a cruel way to mess with them even more. If they've caught you and you continue to deny and minimise, you're destroying their trust in you, but also their trust in their own ability to identify threats. 

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Later I found out that the OM slept over in my house (with wife, of course)

[Subversa]

6 hours ago, pepperbird said:

What bothered me the most was the way he would just go along with his OW when she would try and put me in a bad light. I saw messages between them, and in one, he commented that he was at home alone because I was at the hospital with our younger daughter.  She started in with the "oh you poor baby, she's neglecting you" routine, which he, like a fool, ate right up.

I'm so sorry, it sounds horrible and its cuts deep. Its one thing to be betrayed and another to be vilified for something you didn't even do. I feel its a dynamic established when the WS faces extreme guilt and tries to justify their actions. 

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, Subversa said:

Its one thing to be betrayed and another to be vilified for something you didn't even do.

But that is part of the bonding that goes on between some MM and their OWs.
They have a common foe ie the wife and part of their relationship is built on that.
Persuading a woman to take on a married man with a wife can be a hard sell, but a man who professes to hate his wife can be seen as a much better deal. 
Some men have affairs to seek retribution on their wife for perceived slights, and so having a "pal" who "hates" her too is all part of the affair dynamic...
Playing the victim is common too,  and also assists bonding, "You poor soul, she is an evil harridan, let me kiss you all better..."
Of course some men never mention the wife or will describe her in glowing terms to his OW.. 

[merrmeade]

On 7/14/2020 at 2:45 PM, elaine567 said:

But that is part of the bonding that goes on between some MM and their OWs.
They have a common foe ie the wife and part of their relationship is built on that.
Persuading a woman to take on a married man with a wife can be a hard sell, but a man who professes to hate his wife can be seen as a much better deal. 
Some men have affairs to seek retribution on their wife for perceived slights, and so having a "pal" who "hates" her too is all part of the affair dynamic...
Playing the victim is common too,  and also assists bonding, "You poor soul, she is an evil harridan, let me kiss you all better..."
Of course some men never mention the wife or will describe her in glowing terms to his OW.. 

I relate to your description of their effort to demonize you - examining your photographs and the exaggerated  nonsense about his being left 'home alone' which generated her overflowing sympathy. Maybe you see now that they nearly all do this in some form or other, even silently to themselves - "oh, she couldn't possibly know him and appreciate him like I do." But it is definitely a thing: the BS doesn't understand or appreciate the WS; the WS complains about the marriage; the AP sympathizes with and feeds the feelings of neglect and compensates - all classic dynamics. I can't believe their perception of reality can be changed so drastically about so many things actually. The AP's obsession with photographs of you in everyday settings is a new one for me and creepy. It would definitely gnaw at me.

The question "What was hardest during the affair" is tricky because for most of us we weren't cognizant of the affair when it was going on. D-day usually means, not only discovery, but confrontation and within a few days end of the affair. Usually. But I assume you mean what about the affair hurt us the most. For me, something similar definitely bothered me and was how I sniffed them out. The AP was a family member by marriage so I was around her, too. I was getting increasingly more uncomfortable with her exaggerated sympathy for my husband's issues - health, for example. She was way too involved and invested. I felt her criticism of me more and more. She'd make little sounds of disgust or disapproval at things I did or said. I wasn't used to being rude to relatives, so I'd just stammer something in response then go feel bad. Later I found out even more and read emails that demeaned my family and exalted their refined sensitivity. THAT was what hurt the most. With all I learned here and what I gleaned from gathering emails and other circumstantial 'evidence,' I pieced together a classic relationship that grew over each of their need to be martyrs and victims. They demonized their spouses and glorified themselves and the ways they were better. Since they understood each other that was a kind of proof. 

It was the degree to which they had rationalized the relationship to themselves. On D-day my husband admitted immediately that things happened that were wrong. I even argued with him that maybe it was a matter of perception, but you don't hold onto a position like that in the face of adamant admission of wrong-doing. He was adamant, that is, but I realized that she was unable to admit what they had done. Apparently they had tried to resist getting physical and cut it off a few months after they did. Then, their line of justification was that they were "mostly friends." Apparently sex is an accident. 

That was the most galling bit of delusional self-manipulation I've ever encountered, but she never really dealt with it and would probably say it the same way today. He, on the other hand, would not dare. I was able to slash that line of thinking and those words - "mostly friends" - out of our discussion and vocabulary forever for my husband and me, and that was gratifying. But when you have a relationship with the AP too, it's a double betrayal. I never got that acknowledgement or remorse from her. She was proud and defensive, and for the time that I had to interact with her for family reasons, acted as if  I was partly to blame . That created an open wound with  exposed nerves that was repeatedly gouged, scraped and pinched until I didn't have to deal with her any more.  So that's what hurt the most.

What helped the most were these kinds of generalizations on the forum. For one thing, I craved information - anything that could explain this strange awful phenomenon that I'd never encountered in the lives of anyone I knew. It also helped because you see the parallels and realize what it was and why and that can reduce your reactivity.

Edited July 21, 2020 by merrmeade
umm: It didn't say what I intended. Isn't that why anyone edits?

[pepperbird]

19 hours ago, S2B said:

Yep, but generally when they talk badly about the wife it signals to the OW that maybe he will divorce his wife - that gets her hopes up if she wants him long term.

the MM who won’t ever talk badly about the wife/marriage basically sends a strong signal to the OW that he doesn’t intend to leave the M... so she is just there for play time.

it also creates an "it's you and me against the world" dynamic that can be very heady.

[Subversa]

On 7/21/2020 at 6:59 PM, merrmeade said:

It was the degree to which they had rationalized the relationship to themselves. On D-day my husband admitted immediately that things happened that were wrong. I even argued with him that maybe it was a matter of perception, but you don't hold onto a position like that in the face of adamant admission of wrong-doing. He was adamant, that is, but I realized that she was unable to admit what they had done. Apparently they had tried to resist getting physical and cut it off a few months after they did. Then, their line of justification was that they were "mostly friends." Apparently sex is an accident. 

That was the most galling bit of delusional self-manipulation I've ever encountered, but she never really dealt with it and would probably say it the same way today. He, on the other hand, would not dare. I was able to slash that line of thinking and those words - "mostly friends" - out of our discussion and vocabulary forever for my husband and me, and that was gratifying. But when you have a relationship with the AP too, it's a double betrayal. I never got that acknowledgement or remorse from her. She was proud and defensive, and for the time that I had to interact with her for family reasons, acted as if  I was partly to blame . That created an open wound with  exposed nerves that was repeatedly gouged, scraped and pinched until I didn't have to deal with her any more.  So that's what hurt the most.

Did you ever find proof or anything leading you to believe who started it? Or who approached who? Because the OW sounds like someone who has solidly justified her actions in her mind? I mean to be as brazen as to be around the wife and then huffing at her takes a whole lot of delusion and mind-tricks. Imagine the mental gymnastics this OW had to go through where she had subdued her conscience to the point where she thought she was justified in looking down at you. In your case the dynamics already dictated her being around you, there wasn't anything to be curious about. Logic would dictate she distance herself further as they delved further down the affair path.  I mean I get the bonding over mean spouse that occurs between APs but her assertiveness into your marriage and demonstration of her disapproval at your actions sounds very disturbing. 

It sounds like even though your husband glorified himself in front of the OW, deep down he knew it was wrong. He was just saying that to appease her. Thus, the immediate admission of wrong-doing. The OW on the other hand, sounds like she has either permanently altered her psyche to believe she was justified. Or she knows who she is and what she has done, she just doesn't possess the moral caliber to admit it and apologize. Either way, she sounds too detached from reality to absorb the impact of her actions on your life.

She will continue being like this unless she is forced by external circumstances to introspect. In my experience, people who wade through life permanently with a victim complex lack the capability to understand they can hurt others and have made victim of other people through their actions.. I wish you all the healing. 

[Subversa]

On 7/21/2020 at 11:49 PM, S2B said:

The extreme betrayal on levels of emotional, physical and mental manipulation. 
 

I knew I didn’t deserve it so when I discovered the evidence I ended it all with one phone call. 
 

that was after I moved money and assets and changed the locks. I gave him what he deserved.

More power to you. ❤️

[merrmeade]

14 minutes ago, Subversa said:

Did you ever find proof or anything leading you to believe who started it? Or who approached who? Because the OW sounds like someone who has solidly justified her actions in her mind? I mean to be as brazen as to be around the wife and then huffing at her takes a whole lot of delusion and mind-tricks. Imagine the mental gymnastics this OW had to go through where she had subdued her conscience to the point where she thought she was justified in looking down at you. In your case the dynamics already dictated her being around you, there wasn't anything to be curious about. Logic would dictate she distance herself further as they delved further down the affair path.  I mean I get the bonding over mean spouse that occurs between APs but her assertiveness into your marriage and demonstration of her disapproval at your actions sounds very disturbing. 

It sounds like even though your husband glorified himself in front of the OW, deep down he knew it was wrong. He was just saying that to appease her. Thus, the immediate admission of wrong-doing. The OW on the other hand, sounds like she has either permanently altered her psyche to believe she was justified. Or she knows who she is and what she has done, she just doesn't possess the moral caliber to admit it and apologize. Either way, she sounds too detached from reality to absorb the impact of her actions on your life.

She will continue being like this unless she is forced by external circumstances to introspect. In my experience, people who wade through life permanently with a victim complex lack the capability to understand they can hurt others and have made victim of other people through their actions.. I wish you all the healing. 

I am feeling very emotional at the moment having just read this. I’ll give myself some credit for recognizing and explaining key factors, but you are the first and only person in the entire world to be able to explain how it was all possible. I just read my response to you below and see how much I need to say all of it. If this is off-topic, I have no idea, but there’s no stopping what’s going to pour out. I realize this is a one-off and we are talking about the insane peculiarity of my particular situation. Certainly there are parallels with the general trajectory of the typical roles played out key affair players, but I’m well aware that for the most part these circumstances were singular. That’s why I’m so grateful for Subversa’s incredible summary of the psychological aberrations that made my sister-in-law my tormenter, although no one sees it. Even I didn’t see it for several years. 

It’s the gaslighting that is the most damaging - especially in this case because the entire world, including all her family members and all of mine, believed her to be a good person and true victim. The damage her schizoid handling of herself and our two families did to my psyche for too long was as great as the damage my husband had done having sex with her. The reason it went so deep is that no one questions her version of reality - of whatever she tells you about people and events, including herself.

People - my brother, my husband, my son - did say different ways that she had emotional issues, but no one could explain it. “Depression” would sum it up. They’d see that she’d get moody, quiet, depressed, into bad moods and attribute it to misfortune - my brother’s stroke, her mother’s alcoholism - because she was clearly a good person. Her sons seem to have a vague sense of guilt all the time and feel responsible in some vague way for something. They don’t know what, just that they should.

My brother and she were fighting a lot when he had the stroke that finally killed him, but everyone sees her as the victim. She has people feeling sorry for her and not him because he didn’t take care of his diabetes. She tells this story over and over, implying that he deserved the consequences of his actions - a massive stroke and five years in a nursing home as a quadriplegic. She deserved their sympathy because his irresponsibility ended up making her life hell. She never considered the effect of living with her on his health. Her version of his story is now everyone’s, even my nephews’. Her rigid view of reality goes deep in others. She and my husband had everyone convinced that my brother wanted to stop eating and die. They were convinced and started researching the ways, but I asked the care manager who’d say, nope, not there yet. They’d created this drama between them. 

The fact that my husband, not her husband’s sister, came to her rescue and made him a hero - which is my his deep, abiding need. So they could give in fully to a lifelong need to be victims and hint that my brother and I were at fault in all aspects. She and my husband were innocent and deserved the solace they gave each other. Besides, they were just normal people who appreciate the value of friendship and know how to nurture one. Just good friends - mostly. Naturally, we wouldn’t understand their closeness - talking by phone many times a day, texting all day every day, sharing everything in their lives in real time - oh and occasional sex if they weren’t careful. They concluded rightly that all of this would make us uncomfortable.

She took it a couple of steps further and told me in her condescending sing-song voice when I confronted her (D-day) that, because my mother did not approve of men/women friendships and hers did, I was incapable of having or understanding opposite sex friendship which is actually a part of normal development for mature, emotionally healthy people. Not only that, she continued, but did I have any real friends at all? Could I understand any friendship? For that reason (and others), obviously it was better that their “friendship” be hidden from us.

Part of my husband’s shame and embarrassment was for his part in perpetuating this dysfunctional relationship. She became dependent on him and built up his ego when she realized the effect it had on him, his need for it. The other side of it was how misunderstood and unappreciated they were by me and my family. It is his Achilles heel, and he immersed himself in being a hero. She’d say he’d been an anchor for her, which I didn’t understand but just thought it was his general presence or something. Meanwhile, he became the counselor to her that I had never seen ever. Even when they were found out, he’d say he just “tried to listen without judgment” as she poured her heart out. That was the first time I’d ever heard that expression from him; I’d never experienced or witnessed him “just listen without judgment” to anyone in my life. Heart-felt talks were always an anathema to him, and he certainly showed no compassion. He became a benevolent male role model to her sons, which she also cooed over, and played roles that he had never played with his own two sons. He let her reinvent him into a humble, harmless, caring, sensitive, tender-hearted soul that gave himself to helping others. All the descriptions she gave him (I got bits and pieces verbally but mostly read them in emails) were of this perfect hero that I’d never known. 

I guess I’ll stop. I’ll probably regret the thread-jack and obsessive ranting of things I have already said in some form or other, somewhere or other, but I’m leaving it. Just one more thing: Going on like this doesn’t mean I’m not over them or what they did. I’m over what they did. I totally get it. I accept what we’ve got now. But hearing someone analyze with such accuracy what about her did such a mind-fk on me. 

[merrmeade]

3 hours ago, Subversa said:

Did you ever find proof or anything leading you to believe who started it? Or who approached who? Because the OW sounds like someone who has solidly justified her actions in her mind?

Forgot to answer this: My husband started it as far as I’m concerned. He went there when my brother had the stroke and did work on their house again and again and again. He started getting personal in emails.

And the flirting. He’s refined repartee that has the effect of teasing, engaging, getting personal with women. He always had this persona practiced and at the ready. I’ve seen him do it with men, too, if they have a sense of humor but it doesn’t snag the same personal vulnerability. THere’s always a sexual overtone. 

If you’re thinking, “He’s an a—hole,” he is, and when he is, that’s what I say. “You’re being an a—hole again.” About 2x month nowadays.  

Edited July 29, 2020 by merrmeade

[merrmeade]

To bring this discussion out of the intensely personal realm and back to the thread topic, I would say the most hurtful thing is being criticized or made responsible in some way - deflecting the blame - as the OW did to me. 

They cannot see that they didn’t fall into anything and no one pushed them. To get there certain ingredients had to be there. 

• The main one in my opinion is the ability - need - to interpret things in a way that mitigates your own responsibility and regularly, continually puts it on someone else. Extend that to all of reality and you develop effective defense mechanisms - for example, rationalization - that protect your ego from feeling responsible for moral slips.
• Another ingredient  in some cases is flirting. The flirting escalates, sexual tension increases and that’s exciting. 
• I think emotional affairs happen because people share intimate circumstances and allow themselves to be extra vulnerable with someone. That’s intimacy. That’s what fuels any relationship and is necessary for a marriage. In emotional relationships, that intimacy is created outside the marriage.  

Seeing all of this myself and realizing that neither of them cared to see it or ever will see it to that degree is the final blow. 

Edited July 29, 2020 by merrmeade

[Subversa]

4 hours ago, merrmeade said:

I am feeling very emotional at the moment having just read this. I’ll give myself some credit for recognizing and explaining key factors, but you are the first and only person in the entire world to be able to explain how it was all possible. I just read my response to you below and see how much I need to say all of it. If this is off-topic, I have no idea, but there’s no stopping what’s going to pour out. I realize this is a one-off and we are talking about the insane peculiarity of my particular situation. Certainly there are parallels with the general trajectory of the typical roles played out key affair players, but I’m well aware that for the most part these circumstances were singular.

Your replies are not off the topic, I wanted everyone's perspective. Though I later realized the thread might be triggering for many and for that I felt really bad. 

Your situation and the circumstances created around the betrayal are what I would call a perfect storm. There are so many layers to this betrayal that I wonder what kind of strength it must have taken for you to navigate through this trauma. What you have written about the OW here makes me wonder if she was ever diagnosed with any mental disorder? Usually the victim-mentality goes hand in hand with selfishness and entitlement, which sounds like the OW in your case. For people like these, everything is someone else's fault. If she never took responsibility of her actions in her life, she is certainly incapable of feeling empathy for you or others around her. She probably never will. Other people in her life would be gas-lighted into believing her version of events and that everything is their fault.

For you, there was betrayal by your husband, then by her as a SIL, as a friend, then you must have felt betrayed FOR your brother. To have the sanctity of relations crushed like this makes you wonder about your own sanity..

I understand that you have processed all of this but if writing it down felt even a little bit comforting,  then it DOES need to be said. That is why we are here.

[Subversa]

5 hours ago, merrmeade said:

Part of my husband’s shame and embarrassment was for his part in perpetuating this dysfunctional relationship. She became dependent on him and built up his ego when she realized the effect it had on him, his need for it. The other side of it was how misunderstood and unappreciated they were by me and my family. It is his Achilles heel, and he immersed himself in being a hero. She’d say he’d been an anchor for her, which I didn’t understand but just thought it was his general presence or something. Meanwhile, he became the counselor to her that I had never seen ever. Even when they were found out, he’d say he just “tried to listen without judgment” as she poured her heart out. That was the first time I’d ever heard that expression from him; I’d never experienced or witnessed him “just listen without judgment” to anyone in my life. Heart-felt talks were always an anathema to him, and he certainly showed no compassion. He became a benevolent male role model to her sons, which she also cooed over, and played roles that he had never played with his own two sons. He let her reinvent him into a humble, harmless, caring, sensitive, tender-hearted soul that gave himself to helping others. All the descriptions she gave him (I got bits and pieces verbally but mostly read them in emails) were of this perfect hero that I’d never known.

Is there a script followed by these guys or what? I was struggling at home with kids, a sick newborn, trying to juggle everything and tip-toeing around my WH so as not to 'create tension' in the house. Since he was always terse at home, I asked often what was it that was bothering him, he said its work. And then I bent over backwards some more trying not to disturb his routine and give the kids the attention they deserve. I later found out all this time he was calling MOW'S kids, HIS OWN. Loving on them, being attentive , the works. He reinvented himself as a great guy, put up this great act. At home, it was a different story.   

This is exactly what my experience was in regards to his need to be hero-worshipped. He got buttered and then some by MOW, who for some reason loved putting her husband down as much as she liked to praise mine. She put him down like no one should put another human being down. I wish I could unread everything the MOW said about her husband..

 As much as my betrayal hurts, my heart equally hurts for her husband, unbeknownst to him. As far as I know he is a decent person who provides and takes care of his family. No guy, in my opinion, deserves to live in the dark with someone who has such a low opinion of him. He still doesn't know who he lives with.

Edited July 30, 2020 by Subversa

[pepperbird]

13 hours ago, Subversa said:

Is there a script followed by these guys or what? I was struggling at home with kids, a sick newborn, trying to juggle everything and tip-toeing around my WH so as not to 'create tension' in the house. Since he was always terse at home, I asked often what was it that was bothering him, he said its work. And then I bent over backwards some more trying not to disturb his routine and give the kids the attention they deserve. I later found out all this time he was calling MOW'S kids, HIS OWN. Loving on them, being attentive , the works. He reinvented himself as a great guy, put up this great act. At home, it was a different story.   

This is exactly what my experience was in regards to his need to be hero-worshipped. He got buttered and then some by MOW, who for some reason loved putting her husband down as much as she liked to praise mine. She put him down like no one should put another human being down. I wish I could unread everything the MOW said about her husband..

 As much as my betrayal hurts, my heart equally hurts for her husband, unbeknownst to him. As far as I know he is a decent person who provides and takes care of his family. No guy, in my opinion, deserves to live in the dark with someone who has such a low opinion of him. He still doesn't know who he lives with.

He lives with a user. That's all there is to it.

[vla1120]

Hmmm. With the first OW, it was my best friend, and this happened before I knew about the affair. I was pregnant with our youngest. The doctor called because they saw a number on a blood test they didn’t like and I had to get an amniocentesis. They talked to him while I was at work. When I came home, he was outside at her place (as usual.) When I came out to find him, she said “Are you going to tell her?” He told HER something very serious about MY pregnancy before he even told ME!

With the most recent OW (and the one he’s still with), he told her lies about me, making me sound like a lunatic. Now, 6 years later, I understand from his family, she’s learned the truth about him. They’re stuck with one another because of their financial situation. Karma is a friend of mine and I always try to stay on her good side.

Edited August 3, 2020 by vla1120

[ejh]

Not ever knowing the truth. Always the nagging in the back of your mind is the worst on my part. 

[Starswillshine]

It is hard to pinpoint what was the most painful. I can point out a few... 

The gaslighting. I suspected something was up with him. He was very protective of his phone which was a large change. I did what a good, trusting wife does, i talked to him about it. He hugged me, reassured me nothing was going on. Told me how much he loved me, and he would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage and our family. He cried that I was still so insecure in our marriage after all those years. Real tears, crying. Cried tears of "guilt" that his personality made me feel insecure. Told me he would do whatever to help treat my anxiety and insecurity problems. So very gentle in his underhanded way of telling me I was crazy and jealous. 

The after deception and continuing of contact. He first lied and minimized what happened while keeping in contact with OW (and a couple of meet ups after). Held me and cried over the pain he caused the entire family. He watched me vomit daily and unable to eat. He watched me become horrible underweight. He heard me cry all night. He held me while I had panic attacks. Would apologize all night long, and then get to his office and call his OW and talk crap about me. 

The violation. The best way i can describe it, it is like someone broke into my home and went through all my underwear, clean and dirty. Feels like a total violation. She knew everything about me and our life. Every medical issue, he told her about. My anxiety and mental state, she was aware of. He sent her pictures of our kids and our pets. Pictures of our home. It all felt icky. Nothing was sacred. Our anniversary, all details shared. He said it should not bother me since I share with my friends. 

The judgement of me by her without ever knowing me. Made me out to be some ditzy, overly jealous housewife. I always find it ironic when a cheating husband describes his wife as jealous.... 

[Betrayed&Stayed]

On 7/14/2020 at 1:39 PM, Betrayed&Stayed said:

Later I found out that the OM slept over in my house (with wife, of course)

^ This was one of the most disrespectful things she did during her affair. However, after giving it more thought, the most "hurtful" thing she did was take me to her work Xmas party.

During the peak of her affair with her co-worker, we went to her work Xmas party. At this time she was treating me like crap; tension between was escalating by the week. I couldn't figure out what was "wrong" or why we were so "off". So we go to the house and walk in. We hand off our coats to the host. From that moment on she ignored me the entire night. At the time I didn't know she was hanging out with her AP. This was - by far - the most emasculating aspect of the entire ordeal/affair. I look back and wonder how many at the party knew what a schmuck I was.

[LeoLady888]

Quote

The violation. The best way i can describe it, it is like someone broke into my home and went through all my underwear, clean and dirty. Feels like a total violation. She knew everything about me and our life. Every medical issue, he told her about. My anxiety and mental state, she was aware of. He sent her pictures of our kids and our pets. Pictures of our home. It all felt icky. Nothing was sacred. Our anniversary, all details shared. He said it should not bother me since I share with my friends

Stars,
I can so identify with the above.

That's why there was no way back for me.

He even had the OP over to stay when I was out of town at a funeral.

The day after I found out I was at the solicitors filing for divorce.

[Camper]

Most hurtful were the lies, both by him and the OW. His lies that he was unhappy in our marriage yet never clued me in on it and instead had an affair for two plus years. Her lies expressed in emails to him over many months. She called me every name in the book, despite the fact that I had shown her tremendous kindness in the past (before I knew what was happening). 

[elaine567]

9 hours ago, Camper said:

 She called me every name in the book, despite the fact that I had shown her tremendous kindness in the past (before I knew what was happening). 

In an affair dynamic  it is very common to set up a competition between the OW and the wife.
The OW may start this herself. She may feel she is superior and that eventually he will choose her as she is obviously the better option...
OR  this competition may be set up by the MM.
He bigs her up so much by comparing her favourably to his dowdy, boring, thick, nasty, etc.... wife,  that she ends up believing every word. It is then him and her against the world, with the "awful" wife "spoiling it".. 
When the chips are down, he will choose the OW, she is bound to "win"...
With a competition set up the wife becomes the enemy... The OW learns to hate the wife and if she ends up losing her MM, she will hate the wife even more...

[pepperbird2]

On 7/14/2020 at 2:39 PM, Betrayed&Stayed said:

Later I found out that the OM slept over in my house (with wife, of course)

I get the concept that an ow/om owes the BS nothing, but that goes beyond basic human decency.