Most hurtful thing during an affair

[pepperbird2]

While this wasn't the most painful, ( that was what I mentioned above when I had my old profile) it certainly was the stupidest.
he had told me about the affair, and that he wanted to end it. according to him, he wasn't good at letting people down easily, and he didn't want to hurt her. He asked me if I would write a "dear John" letter to her. he explained that I was better at writing and would be able to find a nice way to do it.

Now I am not a violent person- I'd rather save the spider I find in the tub that squash it, but he's damned lucky he didn't get a swift kick in "the gentleman's department" after that dumb ass idea. What a ridiculous request. He just didn't want to be the bad guy. I told him no way, and him ending it himself was the first step in reconciling.

[Camper]

2 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

While this wasn't the most painful, ( that was what I mentioned above when I had my old profile) it certainly was the stupidest.
he had told me about the affair, and that he wanted to end it. according to him, he wasn't good at letting people down easily, and he didn't want to hurt her. He asked me if I would write a "dear John" letter to her. he explained that I was better at writing and would be able to find a nice way to do it.

Now I am not a violent person- I'd rather save the spider I find in the tub that squash it, but he's damned lucky he didn't get a swift kick in "the gentleman's department" after that dumb ass idea. What a ridiculous request. He just didn't want to be the bad guy. I told him no way, and him ending it himself was the first step in reconciling.

My H insisted on letting the OW down easy, knowing that she was mentally unstable and could be unpredictable if the break was too harsh and too quick. He did not ask me to write the letter though. That said, he has written several times to her, asking that she stop emailing him, and most of his requests have been a bit, ummmm, lame. Not firm enough. He is essentially ghosting her now, and she still hasn't gotten the message. Wondering how long this will go on. 

[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, Camper said:

My H insisted on letting the OW down easy. He did not ask me to write the letter though. That said, he has written several times to her, asking that she stop emailing him, and most of his requests have been a bit, ummmm, lame. Not firm enough. He is essentially ghosting her now, and she still hasn't gotten the message. Wondering how long this will go on. 

He doesn't want to burn his bridges with her. He is probably telling her you are "mentally unstable and could be unpredictable if the break was too harsh and too quick", as cheaters usually tell their lovers about their spouses. 

[mark clemson]

This doesn't apply to anyone specifically in this thread (how would I know) but I think it's quite possible that when a partner is trying to communicate his/her genuine unhappiness and the reasons for it, often the spouse isn't actually interested in hearing about it. I think few people truly enjoy admitting that maybe they aren't perfect and discussing their own flaws and what might be done to "change some things".

I suspect some partners inadvertently "train" their spouses to never speak up about actual, legitimate unhappiness - when they try it creates, friction, pushback, resentment, "no sex this weekend, sorry honey", etc, etc.

So then it's a shock that "lies" are being told to someone else about how unhappy they are. They couldn't tell BS, the BS didn't want to hear it. So huh - they vent to someone else.

Of course, after an affair, there can be discussion (maybe) but - the horse has already left the barn and if the WS wants to save the marriage, as many do, they may allow a lot of their initial issues to be rugswept.

No doubt this isn't always the case, some WSs may exaggerate for sympathy, and SOME BSs may simply have had the misfortune to marry an actual sociopath who'll happily lie about whatever, whenever to both BS and OW. But I suspect that in some reasonable % of cases the AP starts in (or at least partially plays) a role of counselor/confidante about genuine marriage issues that aren't being addressed.

None of that justifies an affair, but then again, not everyone has the stomach for a divorce or wants to push past a lot of resistance to get a partner to grapple with real issues.

Edited November 4, 2020 by mark clemson

[Narie]

Most hurtful was finding out the reason why he suddenly changed. For a year I always have this feeling that he was being distant towards me. He still try to act like normal but the feeling of he was with me physically but for some reason I also feel that he wasn't with me. That was at the courting stage of their affair 

And when it finally bloomed, he changed so much. He no longer wants to have s*x with me and like for months...when I told him about it his reply was "Really? At this situation that's still what you are thinking? " I was hurt and embarassed of myself.

The short reply on my text. The frowning and obvious annoyance whenever I videocall him. The silence and neglect. Putting the blame on me by saying I am just being paranoid. 

And then finding about it, ah.. so that is why... the time and andattention that should have been mine....was being given to someone else. And another thing that hurts was when they started to hate you because it turms out, you were ruining their moment and stealing their time together. 

It wouldn't hurt that much if he didn't treat me so bad.

Edited December 21, 2020 by Narie

[colingrant]

It wasn't me, but a friend of mine was told by his wife that the OM made her wetter and more ready than he ever had. To this day, it destroys me that he had to hear these words. She said it not to be mean but to not leave anything out when telling her husband what was said, etc. I don't know. Seems as if she could have tempered it somewhat and still come across authentically.

By this point she had enough of her lying and promised to never lie or selectively omit information again. I guess it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't. Either way it's a statement that pierces the heart. They have reconciled successfully, although he was almost gone. 

[pepperbird2]

11 hours ago, Narie said:

Most hurtful was finding out the reason why he suddenly changed. For a year I always have this feeling that he was being distant towards me. He still try to act like normal but the feeling of he was with me physically but for some reason I also feel that he wasn't with me. That was at the courting stage of their affair 

And when it finally bloomed, he changed so much. He no longer wants to have s*x with me and like for months...when I told him about it his reply was "Really? At this situation that's still what you are thinking? " I was hurt and embarassed of myself.

The short reply on my text. The frowning and obvious annoyance whenever I videocall him. The silence and neglect. Putting the blame on me by saying I am just being paranoid. 

And then finding about it, ah.. so that is why... the time and andattention that should have been mine....was being given to someone else. And another thing that hurts was when they started to hate you because it turms out, you were ruining their moment and stealing their time together. 

It wouldn't hurt that much if he didn't treat me so bad.

oh dear, that sounds like gas lighting. trying to turn the situation around so you feel guilty for even thinking something is up.
Please don't let him do that.

[oldtruck]

15 hours ago, colingrant said:

It wasn't me, but a friend of mine was told by his wife that the OM made her wetter and more ready than he ever had. To this day, it destroys me that he had to hear these words. She said it not to be mean but to not leave anything out when telling her husband what was said, etc. I don't know. Seems as if she could have tempered it somewhat and still come across authentically.

By this point she had enough of her lying and promised to never lie or selectively omit information again. I guess it's a damned if you do, damned if you don't. Either way it's a statement that pierces the heart. They have reconciled successfully, although he was almost gone. 

unless a BH specifically asked for this information any WW would have a brain 

would not volunteer this information.

 

example

BH. how was sex the better with the OM?

WW. he was bigger, could last longer, go again right away after orgasming,

the excitement of behaving bad, new relationship excitement, he had more

skills/knowledge.

 

any of these things are hard to comeback from.  though for  WW to say

that  her desire for her OM to be that great to be that wet and ready is

the cruelest thing i ever heard a WW say.

 

how was this BH able to comeback from this and stay with his WW?

[colingrant]

23 hours ago, oldtruck said:

unless a BH specifically asked for this information any WW would have a brain 

would not volunteer this information.

 

example

BH. how was sex the better with the OM?

WW. he was bigger, could last longer, go again right away after orgasming,

the excitement of behaving bad, new relationship excitement, he had more

skills/knowledge.

 

any of these things are hard to comeback from.  though for  WW to say

that  her desire for her OM to be that great to be that wet and ready is

the cruelest thing i ever heard a WW say.

 

how was this BH able to comeback from this and stay with his WW?

Actually it was an acquaintance and not a friend. It was so offensive I didn't want to bring it up. I believe however the fact that he was seeking 100% honesty before he can consider reconciliation, he kind of placed himself in position to hear this. She had communicated in such a way where she would smooth over stuff. So he began to ask her questions by asking for the verbatim version and not the paraphrased one. Her desire to reconcile with him was so strong, she decided to risk it by following his instructions to a tee. She wasn't good a lying but was good at rephrasing things. So, to reconcile she gave him what he wanted and that's the one that makes me cringe.