How to be more desireable to search better

[Mysterio]

18 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Not what I am looking for I am looking what people have tried themselves which has worked for them. I am just trying a few different things at the moment in terms of my outlook and how I see things. Tinder for example has been consigned to the deleted folder, only thing I am on now is Bumble where I get almost no matches but I have determined Tinder doesn't work for me, someone I know is very attractive and she had 4500 matches so honestly I am wasting my time on that app.

Women and Men dating are always on different levels.  I am a man.  I know that my female friend AG if she were widowed or divorced would do better than me.  Men are more bold and some are thirsty.  Thats why the Women do better at having approaches.  Za Dater.  If you were a woman.  Your experiences would be different.  By the way.  None of my male friends.  Who are all late 40's now.  None of them had a kick ass dating life with lots of women.  They met their wives or LTR women and settled down with them.  

My suggestion is more doing recreational activities and letting a LTR form organically out of that.  I think thats your best bet.  You have to get out of the thinking that something is wrong with you.  I am climbing out of that thinking myself.  We also have to stop thinking that being single is a curse.  Do you really think that everyone that is coupled up is super happy with each other all the time.  If so.  There would be barley any break ups/Divorce.  I almost think that looking for love is actually messing us up.   The Love Aps are basically preying on our boredom for income.  How successful are they?  I met a woman in April and it ended by May.  I don't know the stability of relationship these days.  Count your blessing that your not in anything that weighs you down or that you can't get out of.

[chillii]

As far as the emotional and connecting side op , just think of a male friend you've made or had or met sometime , where you've just been alike and just clicked. You just like each other and feel connection , talk easily about all kinds of things, comfortable around each other . With a woman it's the same kind of thing only of course far far more tantalizing and exiting , and then there's the physical side of it radiating from you both.

 

Edited July 16, 2020 by chillii

[ZA Dater]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

Au pairs are usually very young and probably won't have much to offer a man your age.    But a primary school teacher who is a similar age to you has finished university, is possibly doing a post grad.   They have life experience.

That said, I reckon most could get more out of an au pair than you describe.  Where did they grow up?  What led them to travel?  What have they seen and done?  Hobbies, interests?  What makes them happy.   You've said before that you find these types of questions meaningless, but they are the crux of 'getting to know you'.    And half the point is what you find interesting things, you can connect or even share similar experiences.

Dude, you don't drink but went on a wine tasting and spoke with new people!  That is seriously stepping into "things I'm not interested in" territory.

Sure.  But that conversation lasts for 15 mins.  Then you're back in the territory of regular conversation.   And what if that person who has a great story is a primary school teacher but you've already written them off because you assume they aren't interesting?

 

Ok with au pairs I am not talking about ones who are from abroad, heck I wish I could find one of those, I am talking about people who grew up here, and au pair here. I sometimes think how one connects might be down in a small part to the life experience one has had.  I love that question in bold and often ask it, more because the completely dismayed look I often get. When people ask me that the answer is pretty simple, I like to accomplish things, that makes me happy, chasing something and working toward and it finally accomplishing it.

You are right and the dates which have gone the best are ones where there is some common ground and similar experiences but that isn't enough, for them at least. Which is why I ask if the friend zone is not a better idea for me?

 

 

[ZA Dater]

10 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Physically, of course you need to present the very best version of yourself, but what is quoted above is the crux of it really, imo and experience..

It's important to understand that women (most not all) connect through their emotions and if you are unable to pull a woman in emotionally, nothing is going to happen.

The same thing was said to another struggling poster, max, who had lists of qualities he'd look for, quickly checking women off his list, if she failed to meet his list of qualifiers. 

That is not how attraction, romantic  connection and love work.  Attraction, truly connecting romantically with another human being which goes beyond the physical, is largely emotional. 

ZA, how available are you emotionally? 

That is what I'd be exploring if I were you.  

I know many couples who had their "lists" and ended up falling hard to people who did not match any of the qualities on their list!

Yet they admitted the attraction and connection were immediate. 

Learn ways to tap into a woman's emotions, and you're on your way mate. 

I am probably one of the least emotional people anyone could ever meet because I had to go some incredibly tough times and I learnt to get through those I needed to as unemotional as possible which means I also supremely strong. When someone insults me, its meaningless, someone praises me, sure its nice but doesn't do much for my life. So no I don't show much emotion, granted I do try on dates and whatever but its very questionable how effective this is.

Everything above is probably true, I do try to be more emotional, show enthusiasm for things I like but inherently I think of myself as a problem solver, so much of what I do everyday is trying to fix issues created by other people, I am best impartial set of ears around because I can remove all emotions from a decision and see things for what they are.

But yes reading the above I do to some extent now realise why I get the same result. How available am I, not very is the answer UNLESS I have a good reason to be.

 

[Ollie180]

15 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Do you know the only thing I did get sort of right, one friendship of probably more convenience to her than for me.

Do you love her ZA?

 

(Assuming this is the girl you brought up in your last thread too, that you think a lot of but you guys are just friends).

I feel like you’ll be like ‘No’...which is cool. But bare in mind it isn’t me that you really need to provide with an answer, it’s you! Ask yourself, do you love her?

...Just saying, you’re never going to fall for someone new if your hearts already sold on someone else! AND its always going to seem dull, no spark, something missing with any other girl because you’ll be subconsciously comparing her to ‘the friend’.....and she’ll always come up short In comparison because she’ll be starting with you on level 1, whereas ‘the friend’ is already on level 4!

[basil67]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

 I love that question in bold and often ask it, more because the completely dismayed look I often get. When people ask me that the answer is pretty simple, I like to accomplish things, that makes me happy, chasing something and working toward and it finally accomplishing it

Ok, write off anyone who can’t answer this. 

Off the top of my head: fresh snow on the ski field, body surfing on a day when great waves keep rolling in, the perfect water temp in the river, breakfast in bed on a Sunday, the smell of rain, sunlit foreground against a stormy background, becoming competent at a new skill, extending that competence and getting better.  Going back to the 80’s: warm sun and a soft breeze on my topless skin.  Having a beer at the pub after surfing and laying in the sun. Being alone at home.  Hosting a party for friends. Having my husband and kids all at home.  Dancing in the kitchen when a good song comes on.  Laughing when you realise that the front blinds were open when you were dancing like nobody is looking. Laughing when your pet parrot 🦜 starts to copy your laugh and realising that you have a goofy laugh.  Being a bit drunk. Beating your PB 🏊‍♂️,  Wattle In bloom, autumn leaves. A pair of new boots. A Camilla silk kaftan and a new great recipe.   

I hear you ZA. If someone can’t answer just two things, they are too dull

Edited July 16, 2020 by basil67

[mark clemson]

21 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

The other thing is I feel people pick up things about me very quickly, the shyness even whey I don't try show it, they pick it up, the lack of dating experience they pick it up, some have even commented on both.

I don't have an answer for many of the issues you mention, or I'd be happy to provide it. I would note a few things:

- The past is done, there's no changing it; but people can and do change over time so you can I think/hope "move past" the lack of experience, etc.

- To that end, I think it's important/quite helpful to have an "air of confidence" about you when dating. Some women will find this attractive in the "confidence is sexy" sense. So, getting past social anxiety or worries about the past would probably be quite helpful for you. I'm not sure what the answer to this is, some might suggest therapy but not sure if you feel that's for you. "Acting" confident, if you have/can develop skills in the acting area, may actually be a significant boost in terms of attractiveness. Sometime "perception is reality" to a certain extent, so I think this is one area where, if you can turn that around and maintain an air of casual confidence while also coming across as "a nice guy", it might be helpful to you. It's easier said than done, but consider whether that's something you can pull off.

[ZA Dater]

6 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

Do you love her ZA?

 

(Assuming this is the girl you brought up in your last thread too, that you think a lot of but you guys are just friends).

I feel like you’ll be like ‘No’...which is cool. But bare in mind it isn’t me that you really need to provide with an answer, it’s you! Ask yourself, do you love her?

...Just saying, you’re never going to fall for someone new if your hearts already sold on someone else! AND its always going to seem dull, no spark, something missing with any other girl because you’ll be subconsciously comparing her to ‘the friend’.....and she’ll always come up short In comparison because she’ll be starting with you on level 1, whereas ‘the friend’ is already on level 4!

No I don't but I do enjoy her company because unlike most people I meet on dates I can simply just be, she is smart so I get the intellectual challenge I like, she calls me out when I am not putting my best foot forward. I can be frank and honest and we talk about almost any topic so I am well comfortable with her. In some respects she is like the sister I wished I had. The thing with her is we got along really well from minute one so to be honest a lot of dates I go on it just doesn't work because I need to work so hard to get anything out of it.

Really don't know if anything above makes any real sense.

What she has done is help me more than anyone else really when it comes to finding some confidence, she keeps me at arms length from her friends but that's ok.

I will try adopt a more happy go lucky approach and see what that does. I have looked around, people have makeovers and apparently it changes everything, except how true is that really?

 

Edited July 16, 2020 by ZA Dater

[Envy123]

In my experience, when I felt that I need to try hard, nothing happens. But when I am unattached to the idea of a relationship with a girl, romance happens.

Maybe stop trying too hard?

[SumGuy]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I will try adopt a more happy go lucky approach and see what that does. 

A happy go kicky approach comes from within, not certain mannerisms.   Sure one can make people think they are happy go lucky, good actors especially, but that is for naught.

The value of the approach is when it is genuine, when you really feel it.   I doubt it is something you can just adopt and certainly not maintain if it is an act. 

Being able to engage in extensive small talk is an act that is much more easy to pull off, as it is a skill not a state of mind.

[Foxhall]

Just reflecting with my lady this week, we are dating a year, and were talking about some of our earlier dates

our first date she said she did not enjoy it, that I came across as really tense and the only thing I spoke about was people in my family ,which she found boring.

our second date (which it seems I was lucky to get) was much better because it was a beach walk and I presented as much more easy going in that scenario, than the indoor restaurant first date,

 also that I spoke more about myself and my own interests and values on the second date, and that I wore a smarter shirt and accordingly appeared more handsome on that second date!

so perhaps two things from that, arrange a date at somewhere or doing something you feel more relaxed at, and try and speak passionately and with interest about yourself,

not easy is it-as the old saying goes- men are from mars, women from venus.

 

 

 

[Ollie180]

Even if she kissed you and told you she’d liked you for ages? You’d say no?

 

(I’m not disbelieving you, but it’s a good ‘thought Experiment’)

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

No I don't but I do enjoy her company because unlike most people I meet on dates I can simply just be, she is smart so I get the intellectual challenge I like, she calls me out when I am not putting my best foot forward. I can be frank and honest and we talk about almost any topic so I am well comfortable with her. In some respects she is like the sister I wished I had. The thing with her is we got along really well from minute one so to be honest a lot of dates I go on it just doesn't work because I need to work so hard to get anything out of it.

Really don't know if anything above makes any real sense.

I do get this.. I totally get it!
...Drawing from my own experience I have a similar relationship with a girl.. I lost my mum when I was 13 and I went into foster care.. I bounced from foster home to foster home, some were not great, some were okay, but even in the okay ones I could settle! Used to just run away for days at a time and then end up getting moved on. Then I moved into a home at 16 where the career had a 15 year old bio daughter. We clicked. Like you say from day dot! She called me out if I was being a tool! She also made me feel supported in a way I hadn’t for a really long time.

19 years on and I still call that girl my ‘sister’. I think we regard each other as family as much as if we shared blood...

...but here’s the kicker right... I’ve never judged a relationship/connection with a date against the one with her... My girlfriend (who I’m head over heels for), there’s no way I clicked instantly with her the same way I did with foster sis! No way! Everyone kept saying how good looking she was but for me definitely sparks didn’t fly! I thought she was nice enough, but I didn’t see any real connection between us....

The point I’m trying to make here, is if you judge girls you meet against a relationship you have with someone else, you risk writing them off too early!! There’s no one else in the world that I’d pick over my gf these days but. it. Took. Time.

 

I think (and I know lots and lots of people do date like this) but from my point of view I think half your problem is that you are meeting girls on dates, with the intention of dating them, and then you. Yes.. the benifit is you’re both (in theory) on the same page of wanting a relationship. But the down side is that it means that neither party is being given the chance to grow in the other!!

I was lucky.. I met my gf in an environment where I proceeded to spend every day with her for a couple of months, our chats got better and better.. the truth is, she was just shy - she has a sparkling personality, but had I met her online and gone on a date.. we might never have got past date 1!

Not only might you be writing girls off too quick but you could be giving them the opportunity to write you off too! Honestly, if I was you, I’d get off online and try and expand my social life as much as possible in the real world in order to create a bigger network and come into contact with more people!

 

[guy45]

Have you ever posted photos of you wearing fancy clothing? I changed my main photo once to one where I was wearing a fancy shirt and I actually got a date because of it, and trust me I have the worst luck online.

[ZA Dater]

13 hours ago, SumGuy said:

A happy go kicky approach comes from within, not certain mannerisms.   Sure one can make people think they are happy go lucky, good actors especially, but that is for naught.

The value of the approach is when it is genuine, when you really feel it.   I doubt it is something you can just adopt and certainly not maintain if it is an act. 

Being able to engage in extensive small talk is an act that is much more easy to pull off, as it is a skill not a state of mind.

Again you are quite correct, I would need to act and pretend to be something I am not. Which would not work long term at all. However it might get me one decent date. The thing is I am looking at what I can do to improve based on what other have found works for them so I am working through any idea really.

When it comes to acting I have seen so much of it so much of the time with guys I know, they simply pretend to be different people and it seems to work for them to an extent, I have always resisted this but maybe I should try look at it, I have done this mildly before on dates and the results were a bit better in terms of me just projecting tons of false confidence and doing some more avert selling;

I can do the small talk, I don't enjoy it but I can to it when required. Maybe I will try more of that.

[ZA Dater]

11 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

Even if she kissed you and told you she’d liked you for ages? You’d say no?

 

(I’m not disbelieving you, but it’s a good ‘thought Experiment’)

I do get this.. I totally get it!
...Drawing from my own experience I have a similar relationship with a girl.. I lost my mum when I was 13 and I went into foster care.. I bounced from foster home to foster home, some were not great, some were okay, but even in the okay ones I could settle! Used to just run away for days at a time and then end up getting moved on. Then I moved into a home at 16 where the career had a 15 year old bio daughter. We clicked. Like you say from day dot! She called me out if I was being a tool! She also made me feel supported in a way I hadn’t for a really long time.

19 years on and I still call that girl my ‘sister’. I think we regard each other as family as much as if we shared blood...

...but here’s the kicker right... I’ve never judged a relationship/connection with a date against the one with her... My girlfriend (who I’m head over heels for), there’s no way I clicked instantly with her the same way I did with foster sis! No way! Everyone kept saying how good looking she was but for me definitely sparks didn’t fly! I thought she was nice enough, but I didn’t see any real connection between us....

The point I’m trying to make here, is if you judge girls you meet against a relationship you have with someone else, you risk writing them off too early!! There’s no one else in the world that I’d pick over my gf these days but. it. Took. Time.

 

I think (and I know lots and lots of people do date like this) but from my point of view I think half your problem is that you are meeting girls on dates, with the intention of dating them, and then you. Yes.. the benifit is you’re both (in theory) on the same page of wanting a relationship. But the down side is that it means that neither party is being given the chance to grow in the other!!

I was lucky.. I met my gf in an environment where I proceeded to spend every day with her for a couple of months, our chats got better and better.. the truth is, she was just shy - she has a sparkling personality, but had I met her online and gone on a date.. we might never have got past date 1!

Not only might you be writing girls off too quick but you could be giving them the opportunity to write you off too! Honestly, if I was you, I’d get off online and try and expand my social life as much as possible in the real world in order to create a bigger network and come into contact with more people!

 

Firstly inspirational story!

Would I date her if I could, I don't know really because I don't think she would ever want me in that way, if she did I probably would shy away from it because I reckon it would not work and I'd then loose a friend.

Your point about the way you met you GF is such a valid and true one. I tried this, except it was a co worker and she was never single but looking back it was a really silly idea but we spent some time around each other and the banter was always good that I did try when she was single briefly. I think familiarity can bring out who a person is and its far easier to show who one is than over a 1 hour coffee date. So yes I agree its a write off situation and maybe I need to change me point of view as to what I hope to accomplish on a date. Maybe this is a fundamental issue.

Yes the social side, I do try that but its very difficult to accomplish.

 

[chillii]

12 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

Even if she kissed you and told you she’d liked you for ages? You’d say no?

 

(I’m not disbelieving you, but it’s a good ‘thought Experiment’)

I do get this.. I totally get it!
...Drawing from my own experience I have a similar relationship with a girl.. I lost my mum when I was 13 and I went into foster care.. I bounced from foster home to foster home, some were not great, some were okay, but even in the okay ones I could settle! Used to just run away for days at a time and then end up getting moved on. Then I moved into a home at 16 where the career had a 15 year old bio daughter. We clicked. Like you say from day dot! She called me out if I was being a tool! She also made me feel supported in a way I hadn’t for a really long time.

19 years on and I still call that girl my ‘sister’. I think we regard each other as family as much as if we shared blood...

...but here’s the kicker right... I’ve never judged a relationship/connection with a date against the one with her... My girlfriend (who I’m head over heels for), there’s no way I clicked instantly with her the same way I did with foster sis! No way! Everyone kept saying how good looking she was but for me definitely sparks didn’t fly! I thought she was nice enough, but I didn’t see any real connection between us....

The point I’m trying to make here, is if you judge girls you meet against a relationship you have with someone else, you risk writing them off too early!! There’s no one else in the world that I’d pick over my gf these days but. it. Took. Time.

 

I think (and I know lots and lots of people do date like this) but from my point of view I think half your problem is that you are meeting girls on dates, with the intention of dating them, and then you. Yes.. the benifit is you’re both (in theory) on the same page of wanting a relationship. But the down side is that it means that neither party is being given the chance to grow in the other!!

I was lucky.. I met my gf in an environment where I proceeded to spend every day with her for a couple of months, our chats got better and better.. the truth is, she was just shy - she has a sparkling personality, but had I met her online and gone on a date.. we might never have got past date 1!

Not only might you be writing girls off too quick but you could be giving them the opportunity to write you off too! Honestly, if I was you, I’d get off online and try and expand my social life as much as possible in the real world in order to create a bigger network and come into contact with more people!

 

 

 

Yeah for sure not everyone is all sparks and stars and it's not the be all and end all, eventual love can come in many forms. The most successful couple l know actually without talking about parents grandparents , are married 35yrs they've out survived everyone. Yet they were a really slow burn actually something like things sounded with you and your gf they were a sort of a developed thing he was telling me.  And funny really but things were a little that way with my gf too. l mean we def had click but you could sort of say it was say mild , like we were far milder than say my ex , yet there was still a def something. But we've just grown and grown and grown .

 

 

 

 

[Ollie180]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Firstly inspirational story!

Would I date her if I could, I don't know really because I don't think she would ever want me in that way, if she did I probably would shy away from it because I reckon it would not work and I'd then loose a friend.

Two points on this... One, not wanting to be with someone because your scared of losing them or  it not working out is different from not wanting to be with someone, right? Just think on that!

Two, ask yourself why that is your mindset.. ie that it wouldnt work out. If that’s how you’d feel about dating a girl who you say yourself you click with, then is that also how you’d feel about dating a complete stranger? That it wouldn’t work out?

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Your point about the way you met you GF is such a valid and true one. I tried this, except it was a co worker and she was never single but looking back it was a really silly idea but we spent some time around each other and the banter was always good that I did try when she was single briefly.

It’s about changing some of your mindset on the way you assign ‘success’ to a relationship. It’s good you had a friendship with this work girl, it didn’t grow into a relationship (as the majority of our friendships in life don’t), BUT it was still a ‘successful’ friendship that was/is of value.

If your mates with 1 girl, the chances of it growing into a life long romance are low, of your mates with 20 girls, the chances of that becomes 20x better right?

im staying don’t waste your time Investing really heavily in one friendship because you want it to progress! Just invest in friendships because they’re fun as they are and see if any of them naturally grow!

I might have told you before, when I met my gf I was working as a guide on a conservation project. People (like her) would pay to come stay with us for a month or two and work on the project. I was a cross over between a ranger (helping them learn the job) and a tour rep (making sure they had a good time & showing them the local sightseeing). It was my job to be friendly and I didn’t think much more on it than that.. the only reason I started hanging out with her more in the evenings and that was because I got on like a house on fire with her best mate who she’d travelled there with! I never had any intention of getting to know her for the purpose of dating her, I just got to know her because of the circumstance and it happened organically! These days I don’t know how I ever wasn't all over her from the word go, but truth is I was lucky that I had So much time to get to know her.

You get stuff like that all the time! My foster sis I told you about - she met her fiancé when he reversed into her car, they exchanged numbers because of the damage on her car and he got the work done by a mate of his... now there engaged with a brand new baby, but I’m sure he didn’t begin their interaction with the thought that it could become that (the problem with meeting someone with the intention of dating them is that it puts SO MUCH pressure on that first meet, in a way that just doesn’t happen when things evolve naturally).

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I think familiarity can bring out who a person is and its far easier to show who one is than over a 1 hour coffee date.

So yes I agree its a write off situation and maybe I need to change me point of view as to what I hope to accomplish on a date. Maybe this is a fundamental issue.

Some straight up advice.. why a coffee date!? Like, with someone you barely know that puts so much pressure on your conversation and small talking skills (which, if I understand isn’t the area that you really want to put on under the spotlight).

Date because dating is fun, not because it’s like a chore you have to go through to find a partner. I feel like it’s never going to be fun with a sit down coffee date!

i believe in showing people who you are not telling them! If I asked a girl for coffee, sure we could get coffee.....but I’d rather get it in a take away mug and then go drink it on the beach, maybe build sandcastle forts and play frisbee! Straight away do you see that tells her SO much more about what I’m about, and allows me to she SO much more about who she is.

Obviously that’s me and you need something that shows off who you are, but try and give her ‘A hour in the life of being ZA’s girl’ rather than coffee date which can sometimes make people feel more like they’re on an interview than date! (That might also be why you get girls who fall back on a subject that they can go on and on and on about rather than having a more ‘interesting’ convo. Because they don’t feel relaxed).
 

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Yes the social side, I do try that but its very difficult to accomplish.

I know that it can be! But keep plugging at it 👍🏼

[Ollie180]

2 hours ago, chillii said:

Yeah for sure not everyone is all sparks and stars and it's not the be all and end all, eventual love can come in many forms. The most successful couple l know actually without talking about parents grandparents , are married 35yrs they've out survived everyone. Yet they were a really slow burn actually something like things sounded with you and your gf they were a sort of a developed thing he was telling me.  And funny really but things were a little that way with my gf too. l mean we def had click but you could sort of say it was say mild , like we were far milder than say my ex , yet there was still a def something. But we've just grown and grown and grown .

I think sometimes fire gets drawn to fire..... but fire and water are so much stronger, although not as explosive initially!

Ive told my gf this, (because it’s funny now that we’ve been together years and she knows just how much I fancy her), but the first week she arrived at the camp where I was working, loads of the guys were talking about her, kept saying that she was ‘hot’ and that.. and legit my words were ‘I think she’s one of those girls that’s very beautiful but I don’t fancy her!’ 🤦🏼‍♂️🤷🏼‍♂️
It honestly took me connecting with her personality before I realised the girl was a total smoke show! She walked into a party we were having one night about a month later and my jaw hit the floor.. I though ‘bladdy hell Ollie, how have you been so blind’ ....funny how life works out right? 😆

[ZA Dater]

Someone here suggested not bothering to try compete and I put that piece of advice to good use this afternoon. Due to covid I am working from home, had to go drop off something at the same super successful friend I mentioned. There he is with a friend and four ladies 25yo. 

I must now come and meet them, I just made my excuses and left, they wouldn't be into me if they are info guys twice their age and super successful.

I don't feel like I missed anything and I avoided potential covid exposure.

[Weezy1973]

On 7/15/2020 at 3:45 AM, ZA Dater said:

Not what I am looking for I am looking what people have tried themselves which has worked for them.

Here’s what worked for me:

1. Setting a definite goal. For me the ultimate goal was finding someone to be in a lifelong relationship with.

2. Dating then became the process to try to achieve that goal. I dated a lot. 3 to 4 dates per week.

3. To get that many dates, I had to hone my OLD profiles, which I did. I also updated pics regularly. 
 

And to be clear, I’m about average attractiveness, below average height and below average income. I didn’t change any of those things.
 

I had good pics on the OLD sites. And by good, I don’t mean photoshopped or professionally taken. I mean pics of me doing interesting things. Hiking, traveling to other countries, at the beach, laughing etc. All pics were recent (within 1 year) and I updated and rotated them regularly.

 

It took about two months of this high volume dating until I met my now wife, and  one month more of dating her before we became exclusive. The rest is history.

[basil67]

On 7/17/2020 at 7:44 PM, ZA Dater said:

Again you are quite correct, I would need to act and pretend to be something I am not. Which would not work long term at all. However it might get me one decent date. The thing is I am looking at what I can do to improve based on what other have found works for them so I am working through any idea really.

When it comes to acting I have seen so much of it so much of the time with guys I know, they simply pretend to be different people and it seems to work for them to an extent, I have always resisted this but maybe I should try look at it, I have done this mildly before on dates and the results were a bit better in terms of me just projecting tons of false confidence and doing some more avert selling;

I can do the small talk, I don't enjoy it but I can to it when required. Maybe I will try more of that.

Humans act all the time - The most basic form of this is being gracious and we learn it from when we are children.   When you told your grandmother that the horrible gift was nice so that you don't hurt her feelings?  It was an act.  It just gets more complex when we are adults.   

One of my best friends is on the autism spectrum.  She says her spirit animal is a chameleon because that's how she views what she has to do to fit in when in different social situations.  Be a chameleon. 

[ZA Dater]

13 hours ago, basil67 said:

Humans act all the time - The most basic form of this is being gracious and we learn it from when we are children.   When you told your grandmother that the horrible gift was nice so that you don't hurt her feelings?  It was an act.  It just gets more complex when we are adults.   

One of my best friends is on the autism spectrum.  She says her spirit animal is a chameleon because that's how she views what she has to do to fit in when in different social situations.  Be a chameleon. 

I suppose that's true, how much one prepared to act is another matter entirely. However, I have conceded that a certain degree of fake is required it would seem to attract someone. How much is seemingly largely dependant on how much BS one can spin and how desirable it is.

I guess it does sort of make sense people want to project the most marketable version of themselves even if it is not the real person they are.

My more desirable quest is centred on working out. Lockdown here makes dating impossible so in some respects that's a good thing.

[basil67]

I was thinking further on this.   What you are seeing is people pulling out different parts of their personality as appropriate for different occasions.  For instance, I can talk openly about sex with one of my best friends.   But there's a whole host of friends this would be inappropriate for.   I can flirt with men, but that side of me is completely inappropriate when I'm with my mother.  I can let the raucous side of me loose with one set of friends who are impossible to offend but reign it in with another group who is a bit more conservative.   My husband and his mates swear on the golf course when there's nobody in earshot, but would never speak that way in front of their wives.

This isn't BS.  It's not faking.   Rather it's about the fact that our personalities are complex and we read the room for what is appropriate behaviour for that time.   Social skills 101

[QuietRiot]

There are not-so-fit people getting together with fit people. In my area, I've seen fitness women....a lot of them Zumba instructors, with men with "dad bods". soft, slight gut, etc. Though, not entirely unappealing, but probably a standard looking upper body...apparently, there's something about them these ladies overlook and make up for in other areas and it's not money or status, it's personality typically.

 

[elaine567]

21 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I guess it does sort of make sense people want to project the most marketable version of themselves even if it is not the real person they are.

But for most it IS the person they are.
Most people, just as Basil says, have multiple sides to their personality, so they can whip out as required, the side that suits the situation.
Fun? I can do fun.
Serious? I can do serious. 
Sexy? I can do sexy. 
Open and honest, I can do open and honest.
Controversial? I can do controversial....
etc. etc. 
Reading the room and/or the person they are with, is needed to guarantee success.
Most do all of this without even thinking much about it.

21 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

My more desirable quest is centred on working out.

Working out is not going to work if you are the same self confessed awkward, serious, rigid person you always have  been.
Yes you may get more matches, but unless you work on your social skills they will still turn on their heel after the first date, six pack or no six pack.
The gym is a great place for self absorbed people, it rarely does much for improving sociability.