How to be more desireable to search better

[ZA Dater]

19 hours ago, jspice said:

That’s TINDER. Not SA. 
Some people may be poorly educated but you’re rude and condescending. 

OK I didn't know the two were mutually exclusive. Rude, actually no I am polite but I expected to be roasted for that comment. You can insult me as much as you like but its frankly meaningless to me.

The case in point with this particular match there was actually a conversation not 1 line answers which was nice and got my attention but again with me its good for a while before it all collapses in a heap. Is this better than consistent average, who knows.

Oh and I left out apathetic in the above. It was nice to chat to a match who wasn't apathetic. So yes what I like does actually exist, these people are not figments of my imagination, heck I was even happy to look past kids this time, at least give me some credit there or perhaps don't. But its great I have 5 new boost likes all of whom are unsuitable and so starts the next 5 year wait for the next wow match.

Maybe you are more easily impressed.

[Weezy1973]

3 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Perhaps it would be helpful if those who go on so many dates with so many different people tell us what their criteria is, or is it a case of simply going with anyone who shows any interest at all?

 

If you’re talking about me - I averaged about 3 dates a week. And I was on five different sites / apps. And I would go on dates with anyone that met a minimum physical attraction threshold. I had a fairly wide age threshold, no education requirements, no requirements re: having kids or not, no race requirements, no income requirements. The only three superficial requirements I had were no regular smokers, no drug users, and nobody overweight. 

 

9 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

What does this accomplish? Its like eating a food you detest in the hope that after the 10th siting you actually kind of like it. 

 

It’s more like trying a bunch of food you’ve never tried before with the possibility you’ll find something you really love. Everybody’s different.

[ZA Dater]

On ‎8‎/‎28‎/‎2020 at 9:06 PM, elaine567 said:

Trouble is the first date is only the start.
I see you cannot fathom why anyone would settle but that is because you have never had a relationship.
Ticking boxes is ticking boxes. Things change, things evolve, that great compatible person becomes a nightmare, becomes someone you eventually cannot stand. 
You realise that what you thought was important was never important and that next time you look for different things.
As people age they start looking for things that make them happy, not silly superficial stuff that doesn't matter and doesn't last.
So yes she may have apparently "settled" for the chubby short guy with the bald head and the bad jokes instead of the tall dark and handsome guy with a six pack and a ready wit, but if that chubby guy suits her and she loves him, then who cares what others think?

I don't believe people evolve fundamentally without external factors forcing radical evolution. I get what you are saying you need to try a few before deciding what you like but to be fair I think this pretty much happens between the ages of 16 and 30 thereafter relationships don't really seem to fail and there is mostly less shopping and less trying out. People settle down because well hopefully they find what works for them but how many actually settle down without the "could I have done better" thought. How many people doubt that choice?

I agree who cares what others think providing both people are happy, however in the scenarios I know like that seldom are the people happy because they tried to fit completely incompatible lifestyle together.

Someone who I can be myself with and who I find attractive is all I really want, someone who I don't need to sell myself too but I am not stupid there is no reason for people to try me, none at all when at 36 I have no experience, no track record, a lifestyle which is best described as different. Perhaps though I am looking for someone to add something meaningful and different, the vast majority of my dates have not offered me either of these things. The yoga instructor did but she was and still is chasing Chad, K is the female equivalent of me in terms of being different and she has settled for someone who does make her happy I think some of the time, preferable to being alone.

I do need to probably concede to myself I have messed this part of my life up to the extent it cannot be fixed ever so all I am really trying to do is pick up pieces to try see glimpses of how nice it could have been if I were a fundamentally different person who made fundamentally different choice. The weight of expectation is always there though, be it family, friend, co worker, people wonder, they gossip and its just something I have to shrug off.

[ZA Dater]

11 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

If you’re talking about me - I averaged about 3 dates a week. And I was on five different sites / apps. And I would go on dates with anyone that met a minimum physical attraction threshold. I had a fairly wide age threshold, no education requirements, no requirements re: having kids or not, no race requirements, no income requirements. The only three superficial requirements I had were no regular smokers, no drug users, and nobody overweight. 

 

It’s more like trying a bunch of food you’ve never tried before with the possibility you’ll find something you really love. Everybody’s different.

Well you are fortunate re the weight requirement, that's very difficult for me here, absolutely all of my matches are overweight and NO I am not looking for stick figure models either. None of the interest I get ever matches my physical requirement never mind my requirement of actually being able to communicate but Jspice will be along to lecture me about my own experiences not being the same as hers and how I am wrong.

In all honesty I just think if one has a wide social circle dating becomes easier, less reliance on OLD for a start. At one point I was on 4 apps/sites but its the same people on each so a severe lack of diversity can be a problem. The other reality is the type of person I like doesn't need dating apps.

I think everyone is different. Some luck out and other don't, my super successful, super fit friend, he has no issue with dating, he cannot fathom why I would have but then again he is the life of a party, possesses chameleon like charm. He is 52 and can date 25yos because he is all of those things and fun. Never underestimate the power of fun and humour, its the winning conversation if you have it, if you don't things become hard to next to impossible. Add in shy and you the chances of winning reduce further. I know these things, I try use what I do have to best effect but its never enough.

Just think about this for a minute I do actually try when I see things could work but in the back of my mind I know I don't have what she wants so I need to try and sell what I do have which cannot ever get me a win so then when I loose I simply blame it on what I don't have. Let me give you an idea I had three potential interests, the 37yo with two kids was the one I liked the most because she chatted the best, both likes similar things but she unmatched me. I then have a 27yo who would probably be very nice in the sense she does different things like hiking, bubbly personality but the communication is very basic, I couldn't sit down and chat about much meaningful, she is moderately attractive and quite sweet, I would not want to lead her on or date her and then things go wrong, I would feel very bad about either. What people here don't seem to understand is I do CARE about the person I sit across from to the extent I don't want them to feel that horrible sense of rejection I feel all the time. So if I don't like them and they perhaps moderately like me I will point out one of my many failing and give them reason to reject me rather than have them feeling like I rejected them.

The other is a 38 who I met last year, she was ok, good communication, ok attraction but again there is no real glue with her, no feeling of wow I need to chat to you, no feeling of well lets plan a dinner. This is the problem with me, the more unattainable or the better the communication the more alluring the person becomes. So I can go on dates but those boxes never really get ticked.

In short I care more about the feelings of people who meet me than I care about my own feelings which I why I have this very narrow criteria because if I am going to put my toe in the water I need to be sure I want to swim in that lake. Add this to my endless list of issues and the lack of success I have is not surprising. So the question is what do I really want, I just want for once someone to actually take an interest in me, just be nice to me, be warm, be understanding, let me just be honest with where I am in dating, put the history out there and not judge it, let me experience mutual attraction just once. Idealistic, maybe, impossible, probably.

[Weezy1973]

8 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

This is the problem with me, the more unattainable or the better the communication the more alluring the person becomes.

This definitely one of problems. As I think I’ve mentioned before, it sounds like a massive defense mechanism. Only wanting women you can’t be with. That guarantees you’ll never get your heart broken. 

 

11 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I have this very narrow criteria because if I am going to put my toe in the water I need to be sure I want to swim in that lake.

That is another huge problem. The truth is you’ll never know if you want to swim in the lake unless you put your toe in. Dating is mostly rejection and rejecting. And rejection truly isn’t a big deal. It is what it is. You’ve blown it up to massive proportions in your head, when really it’s just nothing. Going on a date and deciding you’re not interested in the other person is kind of the point. Or could be after two dates. Or three months. Or 10 years - people get divorced all the time. You just need to accept that risk.

[jspice]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Maybe you are more easily impressed.

I have pretty high standards but I’m not an a**h*** about it. You however are convinced that people only get dates because they don’t have “high standards”.

 

So we’re all wrong and settling, and you Mr Too-Good-For-Everyone  are sitting high and dry with your “standards”.

[basil67]

Regarding the toe in the water.....I'm an open water swimmer and I've dated easily, so I relate on both levels.

I can turn up at the river early in the swimming season, completely unsure as to whether I'll swim that day. I can dip my toe in and find it's not as cold as I thought it would be and find myself having a great swim.   Deciding ahead of time can leave me missing out on a good swim....but dipping a toe in when unsure gives me more information.   Or sometimes, I don't dip my toe in at all,  I don't know if it will be good, but I dive straight in, get hit with a shock of cold and then find it's better than I'd expected.   Or I dive in and find that it's fabulous.   And Yes, I can dive in and get an awful shock and retreat.   Either way, deciding ahead of time whether I want to swim would leave me missing out on much.

My dating has been the same.  Granted, I was dating before OLD was a thing, but I found much goodness in someone I may not have decided upfront was a good option for me. 

Edited August 29, 2020 by basil67
typo

[CaliforniaGirl]

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I don't believe people evolve fundamentally without external factors forcing radical evolution. I get what you are saying you need to try a few before deciding what you like but to be fair I think this pretty much happens between the ages of 16 and 30 thereafter relationships don't really seem to fail and there is mostly less shopping and less trying out. People settle down because well hopefully they find what works for them but how many actually settle down without the "could I have done better" thought. How many people doubt that choice?

I agree who cares what others think providing both people are happy, however in the scenarios I know like that seldom are the people happy because they tried to fit completely incompatible lifestyle together.

Someone who I can be myself with and who I find attractive is all I really want, someone who I don't need to sell myself too but I am not stupid there is no reason for people to try me, none at all when at 36 I have no experience, no track record, a lifestyle which is best described as different. Perhaps though I am looking for someone to add something meaningful and different, the vast majority of my dates have not offered me either of these things. The yoga instructor did but she was and still is chasing Chad, K is the female equivalent of me in terms of being different and she has settled for someone who does make her happy I think some of the time, preferable to being alone.

I do need to probably concede to myself I have messed this part of my life up to the extent it cannot be fixed ever so all I am really trying to do is pick up pieces to try see glimpses of how nice it could have been if I were a fundamentally different person who made fundamentally different choice. The weight of expectation is always there though, be it family, friend, co worker, people wonder, they gossip and its just something I have to shrug off.

What different choice could you have made and how can you use it as a guideline for what's up now? You're pining for something that apparently never happened, and that's illogocal.

[ZA Dater]

15 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

This definitely one of problems. As I think I’ve mentioned before, it sounds like a massive defense mechanism. Only wanting women you can’t be with. That guarantees you’ll never get your heart broken. 

 

That is another huge problem. The truth is you’ll never know if you want to swim in the lake unless you put your toe in. Dating is mostly rejection and rejecting. And rejection truly isn’t a big deal. It is what it is. You’ve blown it up to massive proportions in your head, when really it’s just nothing. Going on a date and deciding you’re not interested in the other person is kind of the point. Or could be after two dates. Or three months. Or 10 years - people get divorced all the time. You just need to accept that risk.

Not really, I look at things long term and I try to work out what would have a better chance of working out in the long term which centres around compatibility. I am tired of rejection but you already know and there is no balance here, its rejection and more of it. I cant really say I have ever had mutual attraction it just doesn't happen.

I think if I had experienced that rejection would be ok.

Basically I look for the positives and any reason to keep looking I have only have one reason to keep looking in the hope I can experience a good experience just once, that's setting the bar about as low as possible.

[ZA Dater]

9 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

What different choice could you have made and how can you use it as a guideline for what's up now? You're pining for something that apparently never happened, and that's illogocal.

Many. I could have chosen to fit in more growing up, I could have chosen forming friendships over academics, I could have focussed less on long term goals and more on enjoying each day, I could have gone to classes for the degree instead of studying via correspondence, I could have done the drinking partying thing. My beliefs were fundamentally wrong. I have been proven consistently wrong about what people want, consistently wrong about how people go about dating.

I never bothered to try connect with people in stages in my life when it is easier to connect with people.

[Weezy1973]

13 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Not really, I look at things long term and I try to work out what would have a better chance of working out in the long term which centres around compatibility. I am tired of rejection but you already know and there is no balance here, its rejection and more of it. I cant really say I have ever had mutual attraction it just doesn't happen.

I think if I had experienced that rejection would be ok.

Basically I look for the positives and any reason to keep looking I have only have one reason to keep looking in the hope I can experience a good experience just once, that's setting the bar about as low as possible.

This doesn’t make any sense. If your thinking is as incongruent as some of your posts, no wonder you aren’t getting anywhere.

[Trail Blazer]

19 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I then have a 27yo who would probably be very nice in the sense she does different things like hiking, bubbly personality but the communication is very basic, I couldn't sit down and chat about much meaningful, she is moderately attractive and quite sweet, I would not want to lead her on or date her and then things go wrong, I would feel very bad about either. What people here don't seem to understand is I do CARE about the person I sit across from to the extent I don't want them to feel that horrible sense of rejection I feel all the time. So if I don't like them and they perhaps moderately like me I will point out one of my many failing and give them reason to reject me rather than have them feeling like I rejected them.

In short I care more about the feelings of people who meet me than I care about my own feelings which I why I have this very narrow criteria because if I am going to put my toe in the water I need to be sure I want to swim in that lake. Add this to my endless list of issues and the lack of success I have is not surprising. So the question is what do I really want, I just want for once someone to actually take an interest in me, just be nice to me, be warm, be understanding, let me just be honest with where I am in dating, put the history out there and not judge it, let me experience mutual attraction just once. Idealistic, maybe, impossible, probably.

You've been on plenty of dates with people you aren't attracted to, correct?  What made you decide you'd go on those dates, if your motivation is more geared towards the other person?

There are some contradictions in what you post.  Are you sure you only self-sabotage when you're not attracted to someone when on a date? 

If you're on a date and you are attracted to that person, then what?  Do you convince yourself that this person will reject you?  Perhaps you then sabotage the date, so when you're rejected it's easier to swallow if you were behaving like a deliberate a$$, as opposed to being rejected whilst putting your best foot forward.

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Many. I could have chosen to fit in more growing up, I could have chosen forming friendships over academics, I could have focussed less on long term goals and more on enjoying each day, I could have gone to classes for the degree instead of studying via correspondence, I could have done the drinking partying thing. My beliefs were fundamentally wrong. I have been proven consistently wrong about what people want, consistently wrong about how people go about dating.

I never bothered to try connect with people in stages in my life when it is easier to connect with people.

You can't bother to connect, go to parties, take  classes, enjoy each day, change the your beliefs you say you know know are wrong, or listen to what people want and how they date, today?

Edited August 30, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

You've been on plenty of dates with people you aren't attracted to, correct?  What made you decide you'd go on those dates, if your motivation is more geared towards the other person?

There are some contradictions in what you post.  Are you sure you only self-sabotage when you're not attracted to someone when on a date? 

If you're on a date and you are attracted to that person, then what?  Do you convince yourself that this person will reject you?  Perhaps you then sabotage the date, so when you're rejected it's easier to swallow if you were behaving like a deliberate a$$, as opposed to being rejected whilst putting your best foot forward.

 

I put my best foot forward when I like the person and get rejected anyway. I had to go on those dates because people told me it was a numbers game.

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

You can't bother to connect, go to parties, take  classes, enjoy each day, change the your beliefs you say you know know are wrong, or listen to what people want and how they date, today?

Boat has sailed long ago.

[Weezy1973]

19 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Boat has sailed long ago.

Another belief of yours that keeps you from succeeding.

[Weezy1973]

23 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I put my best foot forward when I like the person and get rejected anyway. I had to go on those dates because people told me it was a numbers game.

Your sample size is way too small to make any kind of generalized statements or to hold any firmly held stances on dating. 

Edited August 30, 2020 by Weezy1973

[CaliforniaGirl]

35 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Boat has sailed long ago.

The boat has sailed on learning how to talk to people? Has a doctor advised you that your mouth will be falling off your body at age 37?

Then give up. In that case why even ask us anything??? Holy mother of pearl, how many times are you going to go around in a circle? You're done. You say you're done. Yet here you are still arguing. If you're done you're done.

Find that therapist yet? Like a few of us have asked about before?

Face it, you're waiting for a unicorn while not even bothering to try to be interested in a what she has to say or get yourself in shape or flirt or anything else mildly fun, and this woman with a "runner's body" will love to teach you about sex, but (amazingly) no hot in shape woman with loads of options is stepping up to the plate, just gigantic alcoholics, so you're pouting. Like a child you think if you cry hard enough somebody will just give you the candy to make you be quiet already. You're crying as loudly as you can waiting for that candy to show up and be awesome and hot while you sit there.

That ISN'T going to happen so crap or get off the pot, ZA. If you give up then for heaven's sake give up and stop creating repetitive 10, 20, 30 and more-page posts. Oh my God. You say it's all impossible so that's it. It's impossible so why are you continuing this??? 

Find. A. Therapist.

Edited August 30, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[5x5]

17 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Many. I could have chosen to fit in more growing up, I could have chosen forming friendships over academics, I could have focussed less on long term goals and more on enjoying each day, I could have gone to classes for the degree instead of studying via correspondence, I could have done the drinking partying thing. My beliefs were fundamentally wrong. I have been proven consistently wrong about what people want, consistently wrong about how people go about dating.

I never bothered to try connect with people in stages in my life when it is easier to connect with people.

Yet so many other people undertake tertiary education successfully, all while managing to live lives that are not just wrapped up in single minded study to the exclusion of all else.

My 20 year old son is in his second year of a double degree course with high distinction and distinction results so far. At a top university that he got into on his own academic merit, after making it onto our states honour role for above 90% results for the Higher School Certificate exam.

Yet he has managed to have three ongoing girlfriends (two of whom he eventually dropped, the other dumped him) following High School. He also has friends and goes out with them, goes on dates with different women, drinks occasionally and even squeezes in going to music concerts when he can and online gaming as well.

Likewise my wife has a number of tertiary qualifications including, diplomas, BASc and other stuff afterwards. Of which for her first qualifications, she managed to have friends, went out and partied, went on dates, had boyfriends, had sex, drank, lived out of home, plus worked part-time and full-time jobs etc.. Yet my wife is a leader in her professional field in a full-time government management role, sits on a board that awards scholarships, while she does much more than that as well.

One doesn't have to choose interacting with people over being able to do academic study. It really needn't be an either or scenario.

Seriously citing your studies as a reason for your not getting on with people, reads like poor excuse making to me.

Edited August 31, 2020 by 5x5

[jspice]

36 minutes ago, 5x5 said:

Yet so many other people undertake tertiary education successfully, all while managing to live lives that are not just wrapped up in single minded study to the exclusion of all else.

My 20 year old son is in his second year of a double degree course with high distinction and distinction results so far. At a top university that he got into on his own academic merit, after making it onto our states honour role for above 90% results for the Higher School Certificate exam.

Yet he has managed to have three ongoing girlfriends (two of whom he eventually dropped, the other dumped him) following High School. He also has friends and goes out with them, goes on dates with different women, drinks occasionally and even squeezes in going to music concerts when he can and online gaming as well.

Likewise my wife has a number of tertiary qualifications including, diplomas, BASc and other stuff afterwards. Of which for her first qualifications, she managed to have friends, went out and partied, went on dates, had boyfriends, had sex, drank, lived out of home, plus worked part-time and full-time jobs etc.. Yet my wife is a leader in her professional field in a full-time government management role, sits on a board that awards scholarships, while she does much more than that as well.

One doesn't have to choose interacting with people over being able to do academic study. It really needn't be an either or scenario.

Seriously citing your studies as a reason for your not getting on with people, reads like poor excuse making to me.

That’s what I’m saying!!

I don’t know in what universe people aren’t saying because they’re “studying”.
 

And if we’re going to be honest about things, study via correspondence (in SA) isn’t even really comparable to in-class instruction in terms of workload and accreditation. 

[elaine567]

I think it depends on the person, how sociable they are, and also how gifted they are as regards being able to complete the course.
Yes some date, drink, party, have loads of friends, hardly ever attend lectures, do competitive sport to a high level and still come out with marvellous results, because they are bright, super intelligent or are crammers with fantastic memories or they manage to play the system to their advantage early doors, by getting other students/tutors/lecturers to do their leg work...
Others need to slog through, spend every night studying to the small hours and still just scrape through...
Others are so conscientious that they take studying very seriously, and so they have no time to socialise...
Others are so shy/awkward that they tend to keep themselves to themselves...
Etc. etc.
It is not simple.

[ZA Dater]

On ‎8‎/‎31‎/‎2020 at 10:23 AM, 5x5 said:

One doesn't have to choose interacting with people over being able to do academic study. It really needn't be an either or scenario.

I made that either or decision because of the following.

All my studies were via correspondence but for a year and a bit I had some classes where I got to meet people and this tended go somewhat along the lines of me attempting to fit in with lets say the social norms a students. However, "lets go to ABC Club and ABC bar" ok so I went, a few times actually and it was always the same thing "come have a drink" , I would decline for reasons of not wanting to due to whatever reason I could think up at the time. I'd then get nagged and as the evening went on people drank more and more and with this became either silly or aggressive and the nagging would become a different type of nagging peppered with insults. After a dozen or two of these sort of experiences I realised this so called social norm was not something that interested me. Ok so I tried to find other people, there I found a lot of well to do people who were giving everything on a platter and the partying was much the same.

I think I met two people who I sort of got along with but they like me were outliers and there was no networking to be had there. I participated in a study group and again even house parties degenerated the same way and even when I did try with single ladies I always lost out the "cool" "fun' guys. Though I did once meet a stunning one who I did get along with because she had the intellect I like and it was possible to have a good conversation.

None of this social had anything to offer me and to be frank I enjoyed studying more BUT  I did think I had enough good qualities to maybe one day compete with those "fun" guys. I also made sure that at any given time in life I was chasing something I really wanted, be it an accomplishment or something as simple as a great wave to body surf. Call it 'wow". So in my mind I had a long term plan of how I thought I could make things work based on what I thought people wanted.

You could say there is no balance and I cant refute that.

[Weezy1973]

8 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

So in my mind I had a long term plan of how I thought I could make things work based on what I thought people wanted.

One of your defense mechanisms seems to be intellectualization. The above is an example of thinking instead of doing. And it seems like that has continued since college. Lots of thinking and writing on Internet forums, but very little doing. You have practically no experience at this point with dating, and literally no experience with relationships. 
 

You seem to be trying to figure out some master plan that will allow you to date / have a relationship with someone you like and find attractive while making sure at the same time you don’t get rejected or get your heart broken in the process. All the reward, without the risk.

 

And if you haven’t figured it out yet, clearly love doesn’t work that way. You need to take the risk to get the reward. And the risk is real! But also, it’s not that big a risk. Rejection stings, but then fades. Heartbreak hurts, but you also learn and come back stronger. Without those experiences, you’re still just using your preconceived beliefs to guide you, and most of those beliefs are wrong.
 

And since you lack experience, you’ve come on LS asking advice from people that do have experience (great!), but then discount almost everything they say (bad!). And that’s likely because it would mean you would have to take those risks. And at this point you don’t want to do that. So you stay safely living out life in your mind, using the past memories of the few “good experiences” you’ve had as solace. Trying to solve the problem of finding love and connection without the risk. How long are you willing to keep going like this? The rest of your life?

Edited September 2, 2020 by Weezy1973

[ZA Dater]

26 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

One of your defense mechanisms seems to be intellectualization. The above is an example of thinking instead of doing. And it seems like that has continued since college. Lots of thinking and writing on Internet forums, but very little doing. You have practically no experience at this point with dating, and literally no experience with relationships. 
 

You seem to be trying to figure out some master plan that will allow you to date / have a relationship with someone you like and find attractive while making sure at the same time you don’t get rejected or get your heart broken in the process. All the reward, without the risk.

 

And if you haven’t figured it out yet, clearly love doesn’t work that way. You need to take the risk to get the reward. And the risk is real! But also, it’s not that big a risk. Rejection stings, but then fades. Heartbreak hurts, but you also learn and come back stronger. Without those experiences, you’re still just using your preconceived beliefs to guide you, and most of those beliefs are wrong.
 

And since you lack experience, you’ve come on LS asking advice from people that do have experience (great!), but then discount almost everything they say (bad!). And that’s likely because it would mean you would have to take those risks. And at this point you don’t want to do that. So you stay safely living out life in your mind, using the past memories of the few “good experiences” you’ve had as solace. Trying to solve the problem of finding love and connection without the risk. How long are you willing to keep going like this? The rest of your life?

If I wasn't prepared to take risk I wouldn't go on dates. The difference is now I am not simply going to go on dates with anyone and hope I end up liking the, that's proven to be a waste of time. SO before I go on a date I'd like to actually at the bare minimum find the person attractive enough overall to want to meet them. I have been rejected over and over and over again and yes you are right it fades but in my case a certain degree of indifference also kicks in, why get excited about a date, what for when with a certain degree of inevitability it will just go the same way as all the others. Expect nothing and you aren't disappointed when nothing comes of the date. I am just not seeing one scrap of reward at all. Nothing. The longer that goes on the more cynical I become.

If it happens for me great, if not well I'll just have to live with it because to me I have pretty much passed the point where inexperience can be explained away and I don't blame people for finding awkwardness off putting or the fact I simply make no effort to fit in at all. I try when I want to and sense it is worth it, otherwise I let logic just do the guiding. I am not lead by emotions at all really, which helps in certain circumstances and it means I hardly ever make rash decisions.

I appreciate your advice but I am never going to be going out with 5 people a week because I cannot find 5 people I like a week. In some respects I am chasing a unicorn and with each passing month and year that seems less and less likely to be found, I will be quite honest my choice is much worse than it was 5 years ago and I don't think its going to get any better.

You make a good point about connection, I don't connect easily in general unless there is some common interest. Which I guess is why I look at some couples and cannot possibly understand what the attraction is because you cant rationalise a connection. I just think I am one of the most difficult people to connect with, the small circle of people around me have all had years to get to know me so that familiarity allows me to simply be me. I try to be friendly, I try to show my softer side as much as possible.

For me the best experiences are really the only ones that keep me moving forward, I want to better those subjectively. I think what just gets to me is how little effort women seem to make, I can honestly say very few made any real effort to get to know me despite me going all out to try get to know them. I think in some respects I am destined to just keep chasing an ideal which I will probably never find but because I have come close to it sometimes the hope is still there. What people here don't understand is a LO T of that ideal to me is defined by how I connect with the person and how they make me feel. Quite honestly most of these dates make me feel nothing, they could be board meetings essentially. But some do and almost always its because the people all have the same personality attributes. Those are the things I look for.

You know what I do like, someone just asking me how I am, taking some interest in me. Hardly ever does this happen on a date.

[Weezy1973]

On 9/2/2020 at 1:32 PM, ZA Dater said:

If I wasn't prepared to take risk I wouldn't go on dates.

First, you’re barely going on any dates. And second, the dates you are going on, by your own admission carry no risk. They’re either with women you have no interest in with zero chance of growing attraction, or else they’re with women that have better options and would never end up being interested in you. Where’s the risk?