How to be more desireable to search better

[ZA Dater]

On 9/12/2020 at 2:14 AM, Weezy1973 said:

Every thread you cycle round and round. Back to giving up on dating and then after a few weeks back to complaining. Do you recognize your on cycle here?

Actually not because I have pretty much had my questions answered in this thread. I just needed to find clarity that my view is not completely wrong which I have got from this thread, each day I prefer a harsh truth to a beautiful lie. For me I have the harsh truth in this thread and while not being totally okay with it I can accept part of it. Everyone make mistakes and I have made many but equally that does not make me a bad person or an undesirable one. If the BEST I can do is the very occasional decent date then I just need to make the most of that rather than throwing my toys about things I do not have that most others do. 

I think you can relate to the fact you can only do so much and from where I sit I have done all I can. I cant sit and mope about bad decisions which got me here, I cant mope about that brunette who was friendly but I did not ask out, or that blond in the food I could have spoken to. At some point I have to just let this wash off rather than hanging around. Should I have been more social growing up and developed groups of friends, absolutely, should I have pay more attention to that flirty classmate, probably, should I have developed more friends when I was studying, sure, should I have gone out with that model, ok, yes probably.

Not matter what we say or do where we are in life now is as a result of a sequence of events and decision made, yes we can move forward but from my point of view for its like like building a  house without a foundation. Should I date people I do not find attractive so I can gain the foundation, maybe. Is it worth it, probably not.  What this thread has made me think is that actually there is no advantage or benefit to dating if there is no compatibility. Its also just re affirmed my belief that that mostly you just have to accept most things with dating, your ability to effect changes is actually very limited within your own personality

I did meet someone once who was pretty much the ideal in every single way, did she like me ,of course not but at least I did meet the ideal.Unfortunately my particular personality type just makes it impossible to accept anything less than what I want. So yes, I land up with nothing but a great idea.

[Azincourt]

9 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Actually not because I have pretty much had my questions answered in this thread. I just needed to find clarity that my view is not completely wrong which I have got from this thread, each day I prefer a harsh truth to a beautiful lie.

Bro, your life ain't a Warner Bros cinematic. Don't be so dramatic.

Most men aren't attractive. Most men find dates, hook-ups, girlfriends, wives, and they have kids. That's about it. There's no clarity to any of this. If you can't find a date or a woman to be your girlfriend, the reason why you can't find one is because you close yourself to any possible romance with women who aren't so attractive they have the richest and most attractive men in South Africa after them. 

A beautiful, young woman as a girlfriend ain't gonna make your life out to be perfect. Your problems, your low-self esteem, your insecurity, and your everyday daily struggles and concerns aren't getting fixed automatically just because you have a hottie who works for wicked weasel as a bikini model or whatever to come home with. 

And even if you were hot, life wouldn't be a sea of roses. Hot men get rejected ALL the time. Hot men get dumped ALL the time, even for men who ain't much to look at,  but the women who dumped these hot men are happier with the guys they are with now.

Being hot doesn't make a guy immune to the aging process. Being hot doesn't make a guy rich. You gotta have artistic talent, or be one of the very lucky few dudes who can make it as a giorgio armani model, as that's where the real money in modelling is at , and a model's career is so short in any case, that most models stop working for the industry about when they turn 30.

9 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

 

 

For me I have the harsh truth in this thread and while not being totally okay with it I can accept part of it. Everyone make mistakes and I have made many but equally that does not make me a bad person or an undesirable one. If the BEST I can do is the very occasional decent date then I just need to make the most of that rather than throwing my toys about things I do not have that most others do. 

 

 

Sure man, date, there's nothing wrong with going on the occasional date. Yeah, about that. The vast majority of men aren't dating hot 25 year olds and they're fine with it, and they're happy with their partners. There's more dimensions to a woman than just how big her rear end is or how pretty her face is after the make-up is washed away for the day.

Companionship. Love. Tenderness. Gentleness. Devotion. Loyaty. Having someone to take care of you and to be there for you when you can no longer walk without aid. You honestly believe most men would trade any of that in a partner if that meant they could have a hot woman? 

Narrator: yes, he does.

But no, most men wouldn't.

 

9 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

 

I think you can relate to the fact you can only do so much and from where I sit I have done all I can. I cant sit and mope about bad decisions which got me here, I cant mope about that brunette who was friendly but I did not ask out, or that blond in the food I could have spoken to. At some point I have to just let this wash off rather than hanging around. Should I have been more social growing up and developed groups of friends, absolutely, should I have pay more attention to that flirty classmate, probably, should I have developed more friends when I was studying, sure, should I have gone out with that model, ok, yes probably.

Yeah, you've done all you can, with the exception of developing a personality that attractive young women find to be attractive.

Make yoursel funny. Charming. Charismatic, attentive, interesting, have hobbies and interests that 25 year old attractive women are thrilled to see in the men they date. Learn a foreign language or two. Learn five while you're at it. Travel the world.Meet new women and different cultures. If you strike out with hot South Africans, try your luck with hot German women.

You gotta put in the work, dude,  or do you think hot guys have everything handed to them?

I don't go around with hordes of attractive women punching each other in antecipation of getting to sleep with me. I put in the work, day in, day out. i grind it out all day(not really since the covid 19 crisis and will not until it's passed us and left us)long and all night long, I'm always in the lookout for women I'm into and who are into me, and honestly buddy, it doesn't matter even if I was to look like a young Montgomery Clift because the majority of women would still not date me, or have sex with me.

Some women are in relationships and are happy and aren't interested in cheating on their partners. Some women can still find you to be attractive, but they're lesbians, just like I can admire and see a lamborghini as being a piece of sexyness, but I still don't want to sleep with it. There are women who find you to be hot, but they won't have anything to do with you because they're relationship-oriented and they don't do casual, and there are women who are very attracted to you, but they aren't looking for a boyfriend because they're busy with family, work, or college.

Being hot is not a 100% sure way to not have your heart broken. Women still reject you all the time, because it's impossible to have a  majority of women to want you, even if amongst that majority there's a decent number of women who'd sleep with you or date you in an alternate reality.

Yeah, man, make more friends.  What you need right now is a bunch of friends who can lift your mood and have fun with. Relationships can wait.

 

9 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Not matter what we say or do where we are in life now is as a result of a sequence of events and decision made, yes we can move forward but from my point of view for its like like building a  house without a foundation. Should I date people I do not find attractive so I can gain the foundation, maybe. Is it worth it, probably not.  What this thread has made me think is that actually there is no advantage or benefit to dating if there is no compatibility. Its also just re affirmed my belief that that mostly you just have to accept most things with dating, your ability to effect changes is actually very limited within your own personality

I did meet someone once who was pretty much the ideal in every single way, did she like me ,of course not but at least I did meet the ideal.Unfortunately my particular personality type just makes it impossible to accept anything less than what I want. So yes, I land up with nothing but a great idea.

Man, listen. If you can't see yourself dating a woman who doesn't match your extensive list of requirements of what a woman should have, not have, and be like, and what she should look like: that's your right.

No one is going to force you to date or marry a woman you don't want in your life, romantically, but you can't expect results; you can't expect the results that you want if you're not willing to put in the work.

Almost no one has women throwing themselves at him, and even those who do have, many times are unhappy with their lives, for one reason or another. Sex is fun. Sex is pleasurable. But being happy with YOURSELF and being content with your life is a gift that many, many men and women would trade sex to have in return.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Actually not because I have pretty much had my questions answered in this thread. I just needed to find clarity that my view is not completely wrong which I have got from this thread, each day I prefer a harsh truth to a beautiful lie.

So, after all the advice, brain storming, and suggestions that people have given, your takeaway is that you should continue on doing things exactly as you have been? 

 

 

[Azincourt]

23 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

So, after all the advice, brain storming, and suggestions that people have given, your takeaway is that you should continue on doing things exactly as you have been? 

 

 

Yeah, he's pretty much gonna spend the rest of his natural life span(average lifespan for a healthy western man is 75 years) about 40 years(?) complaining about how perfect his life would have been like, and how much of a good husband and father he'd have been, if a hot 25 year old woman with a Oxford phD in pure mathematics and the kind soul of The Buddha,  had given him a chance and dated him, while ignoring all of the other women who are interested in being hisgirlfriends because they are overweight.

Hello? Almost every woman is overweight, even in this tropical paradise I live in, the national center of statistics says that about 75% of all women aged 18-40 are either obese or very overweight,  so  I'm holding out to these small islets of paradise I find from time to time around the world where the women are hot and young,  with the same iron hold a sailor dealing with scurvy is holding on to his teeth.

Don't be so picky, man.  We're talking about your happiness here. A woman doesn't need to be conventionally hot to be a good girlfriend, and man, at your age you shouldn't need a woman to be a Cindy Crawford for you to want to have sex with her.

Edited September 14, 2020 by Azincourt

[ZA Dater]

19 hours ago, Azincourt said:

Yeah, he's pretty much gonna spend the rest of his natural life span(average lifespan for a healthy western man is 75 years) about 40 years(?) complaining about how perfect his life would have been like, and how much of a good husband and father he'd have been, if a hot 25 year old woman with a Oxford phD in pure mathematics and the kind soul of The Buddha,  had given him a chance and dated him, while ignoring all of the other women who are interested in being hisgirlfriends because they are overweight.

Hello? Almost every woman is overweight, even in this tropical paradise I live in, the national center of statistics says that about 75% of all women aged 18-40 are either obese or very overweight,  so  I'm holding out to these small islets of paradise I find from time to time around the world where the women are hot and young,  with the same iron hold a sailor dealing with scurvy is holding on to his teeth.

Don't be so picky, man.  We're talking about your happiness here. A woman doesn't need to be conventionally hot to be a good girlfriend, and man, at your age you shouldn't need a woman to be a Cindy Crawford for you to want to have sex with her.

You do not seem to understand so perhaps I will make it more clear, why should I go out with hugely obese women? Why? Those are the people who find me attractive. I suspect your definition of obese and mine are very different. No the reality is as you say we cant all have what we like and really how much one is prepared to settle will define what we find acceptable and what end up with. Frankly I am not particularly interested in settling when I know there are people out there who do have the qualities I find attractive. If I just end up chasing forever then so be it. Most of my life I have spent chasing people I liked and never found much or any success at it really but then again every day I am chasing something or other.

 

[elaine567]

Do you want to be chased by these "obese" women you do not want?
I guess not, so why would chasing women who are uninterested in you be successful?
Being successful socially is not about chasing people, it is about pushing against open doors.
They show interest, you show interest...
No interest? You leave them alone.  
 

Edited September 15, 2020 by elaine567

[ZA Dater]

19 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

So, after all the advice, brain storming, and suggestions that people have given, your takeaway is that you should continue on doing things exactly as you have been? 

 

 

No I take much more than that. I am just unsuited to dating, too rigid, too uncompromising and too unrealistic. Oh and I should just find anyone attractive who finds me attractive. 

People who date apparently all date people they do not find attractive, interesting one that. They date lots of people without having any real requirements in the hope that maybe one of them actually is attractive. I just do not agree with any of that at all and I know nobody who has done that, the guys I know, firstly never stop telling me how hot their gf's are and they are hot, don't see them going out with "well maybe she will be hot". But I guess different for different people, my choices are clearly fewer and less desirable.

Find people like you, sure I did and even then it does not work, well they are very rare but nevertheless. Be fun, well I am not fun and I don't think there is any condition where I am considered to be fun. Be funny, again I am not that. Unlikely to ever be either, days for me are like a boxing match, throw one punch get two back and keep fighting, nothing funny about my life. 

Be charming, well here we have a problem because I consider charming to be polite and engaging in wanting to get to know a person but we have established by conventional means what I like to engage on is unimportant so perhaps I need to simply go back to just talking the biggest load of BS on dates, which was not much help either. Smile more, sure I can try that but my awkward face becomes more so. Ok cool, I'll try that.

Make more friends, again how really, my interests don't involve the things most 35 year old guys like so that's largely irrelevant. Let friends set you up, been there done that, disaster because the people that I get set up with are put on the spot and cant really say no and there is never any common ground, oh and I am too awkward which I can hide sometimes but not all of the time. 

No the posts here have been great because at least the consensus is I have nothing to offer and frankly its a hopeless cause. I am alright with that at least in that regard I agree, absolutely nothing I have experienced suggests I can date, nothing at all. Sure photo shop pictures got me attractive dates and some decent communication but that is false but for a while had the sort of interaction I did like and suddenly it was me who was trying to be charmed.  Sure if I settled for one of the hugely obese people who like then I could date but whats the point in that? 

I get it, apparently you put in work, whatever that is and hopefully you get someone attractive to find you attractive you as a reward, that's awesome but again I do not know anyone who has had to do it, besides I suppose be charming, drink a lot, tell the most exaggerated stories and then I hear later in the week how much fun he had taking her home. That seems to be the way to do it. 

Its just unfortunate the idea I have and the reality are poles apart but again the hefty dose of realism dished up here is helpful. But at least I am not totally wrong in my view, solace I suppose of sorts. 

All I really wanted out of this was to find mutual attraction just once. That's all. Instead I have spent years going through the same sorts of people with a few really attractive ones thrown in and I asked myself why this was and again answered loud and clear because I cant expect to attract those people when I am not like the people they find attractive. 

No all I have done it try make a puzzle of pieces fit together which simply do not. Ultimately we are different and the same.

 

[Weezy1973]

22 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Oh and I should just find anyone attractive who finds me attractive. 

 

Nobody has suggested this.

 

23 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

 I am just unsuited to dating, too rigid, too uncompromising and too unrealistic.

 

So, in short, if you wanted to become suited to dating, you could work on being less rigid, develop an ability to compromise (compromise is actually super important in relationships) and accept reality?

[ZA Dater]

7 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Do you want to be chased by these "obese" women you do not want?
I guess not, so why would chasing women who are uninterested in you be successful?
Being successful socially is not about chasing people, it is about pushing against open doors.
They show interest, you show interest...
No interest? You leave them alone.  
 

The difference was, what was I was chasing was possible, it was not like I was trying to date a swimwear model. The VERY first thing I look at is compatibility, that to me is EVERYTHING, if I can see big lifestyle difference I do not even bother. Because if she does trance parties each weekend it will never work. Likewise she does church 4 times a week. I just lost out to guy who in my opinion are inferior but have superior experience, charm and the ability to connect.

Oh and as for showing interesting, nobody beyond OLD has ever shown any overt interest. 

My choices are simple, let this define me or just put it to one side, I have lost enough sleep about it for the last decade or so been though tough times because of it and what I learnt is its pointless feeling down about it because, ultimately people don't care.

For years people told me dating was fun, I still do not understand what is remotely fun about it, maybe because mostly all the time I am going out with people I just do not find interesting, its more interesting for me to try date people I do find interesting even if I never end up dating them. For 3 years I chased a co worker, there was banter each day, she smiled at me, there was as much flirting as I can muster which is not much and I looked forward to going to office and seeing her. Compare that with the school teacher date I had on Friday night and the one is great the other is a chore. Yes, I like analytics but because of that I like the wow feeling as much as a do because without it, its just analytics again. The co worker was "wow', that date was not.  

For me wow is very important and it usually sits alongside compatibility. Is it all so bad, well yes and no, yes because some experiences are really not nice done alone so I wont be going off to Bora Bora alone or any holiday for that matter. And no because I am my own boss and I can do what I want when I want. 

In short I want it but not so badly I am going to try be someone I am not.

[ZA Dater]

7 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

So, in short, if you wanted to become suited to dating, you could work on being less rigid, develop an ability to compromise (compromise is actually super important in relationships) and accept reality?

I'll pass on all of those thanks. I don't like the reality so doing any of the other things wont change that.I am stuck with the same level of attraction irrespective. If I were getting some form of mutual attraction I'd happily compromise but at the moment based on the people who find me attractive I have zero reason to compromise. I have my moments where I get to live vicariously the dating experiences I would like to have had, I have a friend he has no shortage of attractive, dynamic, confident, extroverted dates and I have met many of them over the years. But you are right its about connection and I do not connect in any other way besides a business like way. Whereas he laughs and clowns around and well they love that. 

[Azincourt]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

You do not seem to understand so perhaps I will make it more clear, why should I go out with hugely obese women? Why? Those are the people who find me attractive. I suspect your definition of obese and mine are very different. No the reality is as you say we cant all have what we like and really how much one is prepared to settle will define what we find acceptable and what end up with. Frankly I am not particularly interested in settling when I know there are people out there who do have the qualities I find attractive. If I just end up chasing forever then so be it. Most of my life I have spent chasing people I liked and never found much or any success at it really but then again every day I am chasing something or other.

 

Hugely obese women? like what, 200lbs? That's only a bit above the average for women in the United Kingdom and the US, and Canada., like 30 lbs above average. So what?

 How is that hugely obese?

250lbs? 300lbs?

You telling me that with around 29 million South African women, plus all of the hundreds of millions of women that live in Africa and that you can meet(your feet aren't glued to South Africa are they) you can't find ONE woman who isn't 'hugely obese'  and whom wants to date you?

What do you want?

5'7'' and 120lbs, 25 year old, blonde/brunette, clear skin, straight white teeth, bubble rear-end,  C to D cup, college educated, good job, life savings, a large network of friends that support her and care for her and love her, a good family, and a high sex  drive to go along with it because why not bro it's black friday.

Is that what you want?

What can you offer to a woman like that? What is it about you as a man, as a potential boyfriend, as a potential husband, or even as an one-nigh stand partner,  that would have a woman like this reject all of the other millions of men who want her, to be with you?

Nothing in life is free.  NOTHING. Unless you're born to the Prince of England, or your mom's Madonna and she's got you on her Will and she's going to leave you everything.

Yes, there are people out there who do have the qualities you find attractive. There are also women who are part of the Royal Spanish Family that I find to have attractive qualities but won't date me because I'm not a Royal Prince and I don't have millions in the bank.

It doesn't matter if there's 100000 million hot women with the qualities you seek for out there.

Do you have the qualities those women are looking for? Yes or no?

If you spent most of your life chasing after the women you like, and you were rejected or ignored by almost all or by all, then that means you went after women who didn't want to date you because you don't bring to the table what they want in a man.  It's that simple. No one is going to sleep with you just because you have a job and you're kinda nice to women.  If you want that, move to Brazil or something.

 

Edited September 15, 2020 by Azincourt

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Azincourt said:

Hugely obese women? like what, 200lbs? That's only a bit above the average for women in the United Kingdom and the US, and Canada., like 30 lbs above average. So what?

 How is that hugely obese?

250lbs? 300lbs?

You telling me that with around 29 million South African women, plus all of the hundreds of millions of women that live in Africa and that you can meet(your feet aren't glued to South Africa are they) you can't find ONE woman who isn't 'hugely obese'  and whom wants to date you?

What do you want?

5'7'' and 120lbs, 25 year old, blonde/brunette, clear skin, straight white teeth, bubble rear-end,  C to D cup, college educated, good job, life savings, a large network of friends that support her and care for her and love her, a good family, and a high sex  drive to go along with it because why not bro it's black friday.

Is that what you want?

What can you offer to a woman like that? What is it about you as a man, as a potential boyfriend, as a potential husband, or even as an one-nigh stand partner,  that would have a woman like this reject all of the other millions of men who want her, to be with you?

Nothing in life is free.  NOTHING. Unless you're born to the Prince of England, or your mom's Madonna and she's got you on her Will and she's going to leave you everything.

Yes, there are people out there who do have the qualities you find attractive. There are also women who are part of the Royal Spanish Family that I find to have attractive qualities but won't date me because I'm not a Royal Prince and I don't have millions in the bank.

It doesn't matter if there's 100000 million hot women with the qualities you seek for out there.

Do you have the qualities those women are looking for? Yes or no?

If you spent most of your life chasing after the women you like, and you were rejected or ignored by almost all or by all, then that means you went after women who didn't want to date you because you don't bring to the table what they want in a man.  It's that simple. No one is going to sleep with you just because you have a job and you're kinda nice to women.  If you want that, move to Brazil or something.

 

Lets reverse this, what do most women bring to the table? Again I'd rather have nothing that what I don't want, I cant see why you cannot understand that? I don't offer any less than loud mouth bad boy they all seem to go for. Or apathetic bragger that many more go for?  When I look at the women I chased and who they landed up with I cannot fathom why to be honest but someone here did answer that question, an intangible connection I suppose. 

All I want looks wise is like for like nothing else. Literally every single match I get is hugely over weight. 

And yes you right nothing is for free but if the best I can get I don't like then frankly the entire idea is pointless and a waste of time.

[Weezy1973]

6 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

All I want looks wise is like for like nothing else. Literally every single match I get is hugely over weight. 

Get off Tinder. Oh wait. You’re not actually going to do anything differently. Never mind.

[Chilli]

Didn't you say you went out with a teacher last Frid N ? Where did you meet her , was she attractive to you ? According to your threads you have met some damn nice women, how have you found them ? There's nothing wrong with only being attracted to a girl that  looks after herself , sounds like you look after yourself . l don't like over weight women either l'm in good shape l like the same, my woman's 50kg ex was around 48, just talking on the looking after themselves level. It sounds like you've met them so they are around , they're always around , anywhere , just harder and fewer to find. Your problem is more connecting and likenesses .

Your not gonna be inundated with in shape women falling over to get to you or with those of likeness and of something in common and connection pushing right buttons. Something real is few and far between and v hard to find for anyone. Anyone single gets plenty of things they don't want on date sites clicking them , l had piles of those back in the day. Don't worry about it,  your finding some according to your dates, that's ok, that's what it's about. Especially considering you only seem to use the one crappy date site really you've done well and they've come to meet you going on your photos and things you've had to say in emails before hand.  That doesn't even seem to be the problem, the problem for you is in person and as we've all tried to tell you you most likely just need to open and lighten the hell up a bit . that's not changing yourself or being someone your not it's bettering yourself , improving , which we all try to do through life. Your vibe/attitudes roar through even posts in a forum to total strangers that don't even know you and it's very obviously smacking your dates in the face on second one too. You think it it's your face but as l've said before, it's probably more so what's in your face/expressions, mannerisms. A persons feel and vibe is everything to a potential in the opposite sex . We're masked here atm this last mth or so , yet l've been amazed how many women you still connect , smile, even silently chuckle with just in passing out and about and yet , when all either of you have to work with is a couple of eyes and a thin strip of face. You say you've tried to loosen up and be a bit lighter , well , just keep working on it , open up, right woman and things will happen. Your at least getting the dates .

Edited September 15, 2020 by Chilli

[Trail Blazer]

What's this teacher's deal?  Why did it not work out on your part?  Was she not attractive enough?  I'd love for you to break it down to see where things start to go wrong.

FWIW, I went on three dates in the space of a week once.  ALL were teachers, two current and one former.  The latter, being the former teacher, is now my girlfriend.  All were great women, one was a cut above the rest, though.

[ZA Dater]

10 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

What's this teacher's deal?  Why did it not work out on your part?  Was she not attractive enough?  I'd love for you to break it down to see where things start to go wrong.

FWIW, I went on three dates in the space of a week once.  ALL were teachers, two current and one former.  The latter, being the former teacher, is now my girlfriend.  All were great women, one was a cut above the rest, though.

She was never viable at all, there was just no interest from my side. 

The point is I do not know where things go wrong. The best date I probably had in the last 12 months was the politics lady, really nice, positive body language and a great conversation. I tried to be as light as I could be in conversation and it went well I thought but again I just got ghosted. Compatibility would have been good to as she is not into drinking and partying either. 

Because I don't know where things go wrong I cant really change much. So the flip side is I do not go on many dates anymore as I cant be bothered to go through the same over and over again unless the person really does seem different in some way or the inherent compatibility is good. 

 

[ZA Dater]

13 hours ago, Chilli said:

Didn't you say you went out with a teacher last Frid N ? Where did you meet her , was she attractive to you ? According to your threads you have met some damn nice women, how have you found them ? There's nothing wrong with only being attracted to a girl that  looks after herself , sounds like you look after yourself . l don't like over weight women either l'm in good shape l like the same, my woman's 50kg ex was around 48, just talking on the looking after themselves level. It sounds like you've met them so they are around , they're always around , anywhere , just harder and fewer to find. Your problem is more connecting and likenesses .

Your not gonna be inundated with in shape women falling over to get to you or with those of likeness and of something in common and connection pushing right buttons. Something real is few and far between and v hard to find for anyone. Anyone single gets plenty of things they don't want on date sites clicking them , l had piles of those back in the day. Don't worry about it,  your finding some according to your dates, that's ok, that's what it's about. Especially considering you only seem to use the one crappy date site really you've done well and they've come to meet you going on your photos and things you've had to say in emails before hand.  That doesn't even seem to be the problem, the problem for you is in person and as we've all tried to tell you you most likely just need to open and lighten the hell up a bit . that's not changing yourself or being someone your not it's bettering yourself , improving , which we all try to do through life. Your vibe/attitudes roar through even posts in a forum to total strangers that don't even know you and it's very obviously smacking your dates in the face on second one too. You think it it's your face but as l've said before, it's probably more so what's in your face/expressions, mannerisms. A persons feel and vibe is everything to a potential in the opposite sex . We're masked here atm this last mth or so , yet l've been amazed how many women you still connect , smile, even silently chuckle with just in passing out and about and yet , when all either of you have to work with is a couple of eyes and a thin strip of face. You say you've tried to loosen up and be a bit lighter , well , just keep working on it , open up, right woman and things will happen. Your at least getting the dates .

I am not getting the sort of dates I want, to be honest in the last 5 years I have maybe had 7 dates I thought well I want to see her again.  After reading all these pages I am looking at things slightly differently now. I have only ever had date from a basically "meet someone, enjoy spending time with them, ask for their number". I have actually used a lot of different OLD platforms but the results are much the same and choice is far less than on Tinder. What I think I need to do is decide what exactly I want out of dating, whether I am better off with just friends or if I need to be less specific in what I like. Maybe I should not say this but for me I am generally drawn to people who stand out in some way or another, be in silly things like they are well spoken, have an interesting point of view. The yoga teacher was one of those people I liked because she was different, her outlook was different and intriguing. The four days or so I spent with her were among the best sort of "date" days because I could just be me.

Random lunches, amusing shopping trips,trying new food, trying different things, talking about a lot of different topics and it was just nice so when a nice experience like that happens I then look for similar. However on dating sites I am not meeting those sorts of people, with respect I am meeting a seemingly very generic person who it seems arrives with expectations of what I do not know, does not offer much conversation. See the point may be, perhaps all people on Tinder want is to hook up, maybe its me who is wrong?

The post script on the Yoga instructor was she basically just used me for free lunches and as a sort of Uber. I did not mind too much because she was great to spend time with.

What I have learnt is that perhaps I need to just focus on more nice experiences like that.

[elaine567]

17 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

The post script on the Yoga instructor was she basically just used me for free lunches and as a sort of Uber.

But she wasn't really a date...
I thought your friend paid her her yoga lesson fees.
He set you up with her but she was lusting after some rich male model type with a 5 million dollar apartment, no?
...and then she ghosted you...
But I do get it, you had a  taste of something you liked. 
BUT it wasn't real, was it?
You need to get your feet back on planet earth and stop hankering after the impossible.

[ZA Dater]

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

But she wasn't really a date...
I thought your friend paid her her yoga lesson fees.
He set you up with her but she was lusting after some rich male model type with a 5 million dollar apartment, no?
...and then she ghosted you...
But I do get it, you had a  taste of something you liked. 
BUT it wasn't real, was it?
You need to get your feet back on planet earth and stop hankering after the impossible.

I'd rather have something I really like once in a while than something need to force myself to like everyday.  So yes given the choice I'd choose something like that over the same same type of dates I generally get which is why I am finally not too bothered about going on dates at all, unless there is the prospect of something I might like.

She chose to spend time with me beyond the classes, heck I actually danced with her which pretty much does not happen with me, I'd say dancing with someone for 3 hours makes it a bit of a date. That is my point certain people just make a better impression to make me want to be better or step out of my comfort zone. She does not live remotely close to me but I reckon if she did I could quite happily friend zone her. Its still the closest I have got to some sort of dating scenario I like. I am quite willing to compromise but there needs to be enough reason to. She was warm, friendly, showed me some sort of interest we could have deep conversation. Compare this to the 99.9% of other dates and I frankly cant be bothered with them anymore. 

So yes my focus is going to be on the sporadic nice experiences, if they happen every 3-4 years the so be it really but the thought of going out with miss unattractive, having zero mental stimulation, zero in common, her showing me zero interest, there being no conversation, there is frankly no appeal in that for me. Sure some guys can go through it and eventually end up liking that person, respect to them because frankly I cannot. I have long since passed the point of being able to explain being dateless and its pretty much a conversation I am not very keen to have.

I have my own "settling" to do in the form of acceptance.

[Trail Blazer]

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

She was never viable at all, there was just no interest from my side. 

The point is I do not know where things go wrong. The best date I probably had in the last 12 months was the politics lady, really nice, positive body language and a great conversation. I tried to be as light as I could be in conversation and it went well I thought but again I just got ghosted. Compatibility would have been good to as she is not into drinking and partying either. 

Because I don't know where things go wrong I cant really change much. So the flip side is I do not go on many dates anymore as I cant be bothered to go through the same over and over again unless the person really does seem different in some way or the inherent compatibility is good. 

 

Why, though?  What was wrong with her?  Too fat?  Too ugly?  Nothing in common?  

If you can't even identify where things go wrong then you'll never be able to move forward.  Every single date I've ever been on, I was able to identify where things went wrong; whether that be something in my control, or not.

Surely you are cognizant of what you want and where the person you're incompatible with falls short.  Or, conversely, where you could have done something a little different that might have brought about a more attractive side to her.

Every date I've been on, I've left knowing that I left no stone unturned with regards to my engagement with that person.  Even when I've found that I'm not attracted to them in person, I leave the date having given them the impression that I was generally interested in them as a person.

You might think that is a waste of time.  Why "pretend" and be "fake"?  Well, it's in my nature to be respectful of others and I believe that the development of good communication skills starts by trying to speak to all people at all levels.

For every date I've been on, 20 were a bust (some took multiple dates to realize this).  I've only genuinely connected with two people since I started navigating the OLD sphere post-separation, which is almost three years ago now.

Bro, in between those 20 dates, I've matched with thousands of women.  Many never replied to me.  I've been stood up on multiple occasions.  Yeah, I've matched with some outrageously good-looking women.  Hell, I've even had them give me a few crumbs by way of a sentence or two exchanged before they unmatched me.

OLD is hard.  I've been lucky enough to have found two gorgeous women that I clicked with, one who's now my ex, and the other being my current girlfriend.  However, in between, it was a lot of rejection, being stood up, or general frustration on my part as the women who I found attractive physically had the I.Q. of a brick.

The point here is that whilst you've got to keep at it, just plugging away aimlessly is kind of pointless.  You need to work on identifying where things go wrong, so, when you do match and meet up with that date who does check most of your boxes, you're in a good position to not blow it.

Are you prepared to work on yourself to make yourself a more viable, attractive date?  Because, whether you like it or not, in the initial stages of dating, women do the choosing and men do the chasing.  If you want to be chosen, you need to give her a reason to choose you.

Edited September 16, 2020 by Trail Blazer

[ZA Dater]

12 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Why, though?  What was wrong with her?  Too fat?  Too ugly?  Nothing in common?  

If you can't even identify where things go wrong then you'll never be able to move forward.  Every single date I've ever been on, I was able to identify where things went wrong; whether that be something in my control, or not.

Surely you are cognizant of what you want and where the person you're incompatible with falls short.  Or, conversely, where you could have done something a little different that might have brought about a more attractive side to her.

Every date I've been on, I've left knowing that I left no stone unturned with regards to my engagement with that person.  Even when I've found that I'm not attracted to them in person, I leave the date having given them the impression that I was generally interested in them as a person.

You might think that is a waste of time.  Why "pretend" and be "fake"?  Well, it's in my nature to be respectful of others and I believe that the development of good communication skills starts by trying to speak to all people at all levels.

For every date I've been on, 20 were a bust (some took multiple dates to realize this).  I've only genuinely connected with two people since I started navigating the OLD sphere post-separation, which is almost three years ago now.

Bro, in between those 20 dates, I've matched with thousands of women.  Many never replied to me.  I've been stood up on multiple occasions.  Yeah, I've matched with some outrageously good-looking women.  Hell, I've even had them give me a few crumbs by way of a sentence or two exchanged before they unmatched me.

OLD is hard.  I've been lucky enough to have found two gorgeous women that I clicked with, one who's now my ex, and the other being my current girlfriend.  However, in between, it was a lot of rejection, being stood up, or general frustration on my part as the women who I found attractive physically had the I.Q. of a brick.

The point here is that whilst you've got to keep at it, just plugging away aimlessly is kind of pointless.  You need to work on identifying where things go wrong, so, when you do match and meet up with that date who does check most of your boxes, you're in a good position to not blow it.

Are you prepared to work on yourself to make yourself a more viable, attractive date?  Because, whether you like it or not, in the initial stages of dating, women do the choosing and men do the chasing.  If you want to be chosen, you need to give her a reason to choose you.

No I genuinely have no idea what goes wrong, I really do not. Like you I resort to the selling approach to try make myself appear attractive to them and yes this entails some small talk and I do really try but after 45 minutes and I have got no real conversation out of the person I frankly cant be bothered to continue and then just pick a topic they can apparently talk about and just exhaust that until its time to go. A lot of the underlying problem is never anything in common with them and no real interest from them at all, most are so disinterested I wonder why the bothered to meet up.

If I have to sell myself as a viable match I believe they need to the same, which rarely happens because they are just not interested from the off. I just think the context of where I live OLD is actually a lot of rubbish. Whoever on this site said Tinder is just a hookup platform might well be right, which would explain my lack of success with it. Then I go and look at OK Cupid, nobody at all attractive there, then I go the opposite way and head to some so called professional dating platform and again there is no common ground or much conversation to be had. 

Sure I'd agree aimless is pointless but being so specific seems equally pointless. The reality is I seldom match up with anyone attractive and when I do they either do not speak or they just ghost me. As I say I do no feel any nerves on a date, its just that a meeting, nothing more. Women do the choosing which has been my point all along, I have just resigned myself to never being chosen by anyone I find interesting. I can do the edited pictures have a great conversation but no matter how much the person likes that interaction the unedited pictures just put them off and that just shows me its all superficial. It needs to be said I am tall, quite athletic and no obese and I do keep in shape so its not as if its A and Z. 

The bold part irritates me the most frankly because once again these women offer up nothing but I must sell myself harder than a salesman selling a car the day before he is due his commission. Again I look around and see the other guys who are being chosen, I have no chance against them, none at all. The things I am strong at do not count in the dating world, I can do what I want but those things are NEVER going to matter. I know this because I try and do my selling on these things and because when I look at how everyone else sells its never a case of selling on those attributes. 

To give you an idea I would not know how to show interest beyond being friendly. As I say instead of settling for someone I do not find attractive it would be a better idea to settle for nothing at all. I can at least window shop.

 

[Trail Blazer]

@ZA Dater you didn't answer my question; what was wrong with the teacher?  Why did you turn her down after one date?

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Every date I've been on, I've left knowing that I left no stone unturned with regards to my engagement with that person. 

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I must sell myself harder than a salesman selling a car the day before he is due his commission.

These are not the same thing.
Trail Blazer is speaking about engagement and connection and chemistry.

You are speaking about selling yourself as a commodity which I guess just comes across as desperate, awkward and impersonal, if not embarrassing.
 
 

[Trail Blazer]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

These are not the same thing.
Trail Blazer is speaking about engagement and connection and chemistry.

You are speaking about selling yourself as a commodity which I guess just comes across as desperate, awkward and impersonal, if not embarrassing.
 
 

Exactly.  One sells themselves as a great potential partner in a very different way than they would trying to convince someone to hand over their hard earned in exchange for a domestic appliance.

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

@ZA Dater you didn't answer my question; what was wrong with the teacher?  Why did you turn her down after one date?

Well simply the conversation was not very good and she was not compatible. From the outset it was a date of "well ok people say its a numbers game". There was also no attraction from my point of view. There was never going to be another date because clearly the lack of interaction from her told me everything I needed to know.

Am I disappointed, not really to be honest, I expect nothing from dating so the fact the fact the date was not so great did not evoke any emotion in me at all.