How to be more desireable to search better

[Azincourt]

7 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Yes, most of the time people are attracted to the people they’re in relationships with and they like them. Not always, but in most cases.

Depends on how well off they are, on the individual level, and from where they're from. 

Since most men in Spain/Greece/Portugal/Italy live well into their 30s with their parents, even into their 40s and 50s, many women are going to date and get married to men they really aren't crazy about, but the dudes have a job and maybe even a house, and that's good enough for many women who are tired of their parents and more than good enough for women who want to start a family.

Now, of course things are different in Germany or in Canada, where people have a much higher income and financial stability, so yeah, I'd say look at the Country/culture/societal background the romantic couple is from before saying that in most cases,  people in a relationship like each other.

7 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

 

The problem is thinking there are only two categories (black and white thinking) rather than understanding there are shades of gray in between. Let’s say the ideal person you want is a “10” and the people matching you on Tinder are a “2”, there’s a lot of people in between that you seem to ignore. You think that people only succeed if they find their 10. But it’s simply not the case. Success is finding someone you love who loves you back, warts and all. They won’t be perfect and neither are you. 

If he's a 5 out of a 10 for average-looking women, then that means he's like a 2 or a 3 to a young young woman. What would motive such a woman to pair-up with him? Is he rich? Does he have societal connections that can help her become rich?

Ever seen that movie, Giant(1956) with Elisabeth Taylor? Which guy gets Elisabeth? Certainly not the ranch hand, right?

People pair up with their equal, and a young hot woman can easily get any man she wants. 

Go find yourself a woman who matches you in looks  @ZA Dater and you will be happy with what you get,  I'm sure.

OP, don't settle. It's better to be alone than with someone you're with just because they like you. Make money, set it aside for when you grow old and can't take care of yourself, then pay for a nurse. 

Hit the gym HARD, get plastic surgery to make your face attractive, get hair implants, get dental braces and teeth-whitening procedures if your teeth aren't perfectly aligned, and if those teeth ain't sparkling white.

Spend good money to make yourself physically attractive and you won't really have to settle for an obese woman.

 

7 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

 

What you’re referring to is what most people refer to as chemistry. Mutual attraction mixed with having a date where each person wants a second date. Connection happens after getting to know someone over time. It’s more what I listed above, loving someone warts and all, and then loving you back warts and all.

Not necessarily.  Chemistry can happen at any given time, it's not something that only happens as time goes by.

7 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

 

One can lead to other, but it’s not going to happen on Tinder. Or at a bar. It happens for many at school / university, or in the workplace. Anywhere you see the same people over a long period of time has the opportunity for attraction to grow over time. 

Nope. Chemistry and what people call love can easily happen on Tinder. It can happen on tinder, it can happen on the subway, it can happen on the bus. It can even happen when a guy is washing dishes and a pretty woman smiles at him and he takes his coffee break to go talk to her.  

No,  that's called settling.

When I look at a woman for the very first time I know if I will ever see myself wanting to have sex with her/wanting to date her, because I like the way she looks, I like the way she walks, the way she moves, and the walk she smiles. It's an instant thing. if I want to have sex with her right there and right now? I know if a relationship begins between us it will be a thing of beauty, but if I don't feel that gut-wrenching, heart-shattering, 10-years siege of Troy feeling?

Then it never will. 

There are plenty of cases when women will lower their standards and date men they really aren't into because '''attraction grew over time,'' but it really ain't that.

Years ago I was living in a small town that was so old, the youngest man until I got there was 85 years old. There was this 19 year old, hot, real sweet who was born and raised there and the only men she'd see other than her dad and brother were the men who were old enough to be her great-grandfather, so when she saw a 25 year old(me) it really didn't take long for her to hook-up with me, but if she lived at Hollywood Hills? With lots of young men? She'd probably not hook-up with me, i'm guessing.

 

7 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

 

Not really. Meeting people you’re attracted to who aren’t interested in anything romantic is actually pretty normal. Not a problem. I think you make things into rejections that aren’t as well. Someone not matching you on Tinder is not a rejection. If texting with a Tinder match fades and turns into nothing, also not a rejection. If someone you’re interested in is already in a relationship or interested in someone else, also not a rejection. 

This I agree with 100%

[ZA Dater]

15 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Yes, most of the time people are attracted to the people they’re in relationships with and they like them. Not always, but in most cases.

 

The problem is thinking there are only two categories (black and white thinking) rather than understanding there are shades of gray in between. Let’s say the ideal person you want is a “10” and the people matching you on Tinder are a “2”, there’s a lot of people in between that you seem to ignore. You think that people only succeed if they find their 10. But it’s simply not the case. Success is finding someone you love who loves you back, warts and all. They won’t be perfect and neither are you. 

 

What you’re referring to is what most people refer to as chemistry. Mutual attraction mixed with having a date where each person wants a second date. Connection happens after getting to know someone over time. It’s more what I listed above, loving someone warts and all, and then loving you back warts and all.

 

One can lead to other, but it’s not going to happen on Tinder. Or at a bar. It happens for many at school / university, or in the workplace. Anywhere you see the same people over a long period of time has the opportunity for attraction to grow over time. 

 

Not really. Meeting people you’re attracted to who aren’t interested in anything romantic is actually pretty normal. Not a problem. I think you make things into rejections that aren’t as well. Someone not matching you on Tinder is not a rejection. If texting with a Tinder match fades and turns into nothing, also not a rejection. If someone you’re interested in is already in a relationship or interested in someone else, also not a rejection. 

Sure there is a grey area but I never seem to match with the grey area. For me it would be pointless of someone loved me who I felt nothing for. That for me would be exactly the same as matching with someone I do not find attractive. I actively avoid that scenario and there have been perhaps 3 people who did like me but I felt nothing for them, they simply were not what I was looking for and I really did not want to spent time with them. 

You wont find me arguing about the bold, its absolutely true. The co worker was the best example of that, K is another example of it but the point is I missed the school/university thing and I simply never meet anyone I have anything in common with or see on a semi regular basis so they can never get to know me. The yoga instructor I saw everyday for a week and from not liking me she admitted she changed her opinion of me after getting to know me. I get it, you have 30 minutes on a date to impress someone enough to make them want to see you again but in my view this cuts both ways, to men and ladies. The reality is I seldom if ever meet any single people, sitting here I am trying to recall when last and I cannot. I cant find any ladies with anything in common with me, for example I went to the same eating place for 6 months everyday for lunch, I never saw any of the same people. 

You are right, its easy to become jaded, its easy to adopt incorrect viewpoints, its easy to see things but its VERY difficult to disprove what I see in front of me virtually everyday.

[Azincourt]

9 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Sure there is a grey area but I never seem to match with the grey area. For me it would be pointless of someone loved me who I felt nothing for. That for me would be exactly the same as matching with someone I do not find attractive. I actively avoid that scenario and there have been perhaps 3 people who did like me but I felt nothing for them, they simply were not what I was looking for and I really did not want to spent time with them. 

If you don't feel anything for the people who have feelings for you: there's nothing you can do about it.

Time and getting to know the person better won't change your lack of attraction for her into lustful, passionate desire.

 

Quote

You wont find me arguing about the bold, its absolutely true. The co worker was the best example of that, K is another example of it but the point is I missed the school/university thing and I simply never meet anyone I have anything in common with or see on a semi regular basis so they can never get to know me. The yoga instructor I saw everyday for a week and from not liking me she admitted she changed her opinion of me after getting to know me. I get it, you have 30 minutes on a date to impress someone enough to make them want to see you again but in my view this cuts both ways, to men and ladies. The reality is I seldom if ever meet any single people, sitting here I am trying to recall when last and I cannot. I cant find any ladies with anything in common with me, for example I went to the same eating place for 6 months everyday for lunch, I never saw any of the same people. 

You are right, its easy to become jaded, its easy to adopt incorrect viewpoints, its easy to see things but its VERY difficult to disprove what I see in front of me virtually everyday.

30 minutes on a date to impress someone? Dates can last for hours, even a day or more. You're not on a timer. 

Yes, well, you're middle-aged. Most women your own age are either married, divorced, and the few women who are still single and looking for a partner are going to be picky about the men they marry, just like you are picky about the women you want to date.

What do you mean she changed her opinion of you after getting to know you?

Do you mean to say she wasn't physically attracted to you when she saw your pictures but after spending time with you on a date she suddenly found herself drawn, sexually, to you?

If you can't find any ladies with anything in common with you, then that means there's no women who have anything in common with you. Date women you are physically attracted to, and befriend women  and men who have the same things in common with you instead.

And do what I've just mentioned.

Spend a pretty dollar or whatever it is  the South African currency is on making yourself as hot as you can be. Go to a plastic surgeon,  bring with yourself  pictures of the Hollywood movie stars you find to be hot(of course, the men) and then tell the guy you want to look as closely to that movie star as humanely possible. That will increase your chances of getting a young, attractive girlfriend.

Edited September 27, 2020 by Azincourt

[ZA Dater]

8 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

Depends on how well off they are, on the individual level, and from where they're from. 

Since most men in Spain/Greece/Portugal/Italy live well into their 30s with their parents, even into their 40s and 50s, many women are going to date and get married to men they really aren't crazy about, but the dudes have a job and maybe even a house, and that's good enough for many women who are tired of their parents and more than good enough for women who want to start a family.

Now, of course things are different in Germany or in Canada, where people have a much higher income and financial stability, so yeah, I'd say look at the Country/culture/societal background the romantic couple is from before saying that in most cases,  people in a relationship like each other.

If he's a 5 out of a 10 for average-looking women, then that means he's like a 2 or a 3 to a young young woman. What would motive such a woman to pair-up with him? Is he rich? Does he have societal connections that can help her become rich?

Ever seen that movie, Giant(1956) with Elisabeth Taylor? Which guy gets Elisabeth? Certainly not the ranch hand, right?

People pair up with their equal, and a young hot woman can easily get any man she wants. 

Go find yourself a woman who matches you in looks  @ZA Dater and you will be happy with what you get,  I'm sure.

OP, don't settle. It's better to be alone than with someone you're with just because they like you. Make money, set it aside for when you grow old and can't take care of yourself, then pay for a nurse. 

Hit the gym HARD, get plastic surgery to make your face attractive, get hair implants, get dental braces and teeth-whitening procedures if your teeth aren't perfectly aligned, and if those teeth ain't sparkling white.

Spend good money to make yourself physically attractive and you won't really have to settle for an obese woman.

 

Not necessarily.  Chemistry can happen at any given time, it's not something that only happens as time goes by.

Nope. Chemistry and what people call love can easily happen on Tinder. It can happen on tinder, it can happen on the subway, it can happen on the bus. It can even happen when a guy is washing dishes and a pretty woman smiles at him and he takes his coffee break to go talk to her.  

No,  that's called settling.

When I look at a woman for the very first time I know if I will ever see myself wanting to have sex with her/wanting to date her, because I like the way she looks, I like the way she walks, the way she moves, and the walk she smiles. It's an instant thing. if I want to have sex with her right there and right now? I know if a relationship begins between us it will be a thing of beauty, but if I don't feel that gut-wrenching, heart-shattering, 10-years siege of Troy feeling?

Then it never will. 

There are plenty of cases when women will lower their standards and date men they really aren't into because '''attraction grew over time,'' but it really ain't that.

Years ago I was living in a small town that was so old, the youngest man until I got there was 85 years old. There was this 19 year old, hot, real sweet who was born and raised there and the only men she'd see other than her dad and brother were the men who were old enough to be her great-grandfather, so when she saw a 25 year old(me) it really didn't take long for her to hook-up with me, but if she lived at Hollywood Hills? With lots of young men? She'd probably not hook-up with me, i'm guessing.

 

This I agree with 100%

Alright I'll say this, I'd be quite happy with my equivalent looks wise that being tall and slim. What I wont accept is someone hugely overweight and apathetic on top of that. For me that's a total loss situation with no redeeming factors. Yet men do get desperate and settle, good for them, how many do this, I'd wager the % is higher than one would expect.

Ultimately the greatest success is where the least competition is and that is why I am just sitting back and putting in very little effort because I am not stupid, I look around and I see the competition, I cant even compete with the looks equivalent of me, if I wanted "success" I'd have to simply go for the aforementioned people who do not interest me but how much success would that be actually. In that case I'd rather have a platonic friend I see every so often who does tick most of the boxes than someone like that. 

I know what I am good at, I know where I am strong but its just never enough really to overcome the charming, flirty, fun and dare I say it sometimes totally deceptive competition. Add in inexperience and I can tell you truthfully I would not know if anyone was actually interested in me.

[ZA Dater]

4 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

If you don't feel anything for the people who have feelings for you: there's nothing you can do about it.

Time and getting to know the person better won't change your lack of attraction for her into lustful, passionate desire.

 

30 minutes on a date to impress someone? Dates can last for hours, even a day or more. You're not on a timer. 

Yes, well, you're middle-aged. Most women your own age are either married, divorced, and the few women who are still single and looking for a partner are going to be picky about the men they marry, just like you are picky about the women you want to date.

What do you mean she changed her opinion of you after getting to know you?

Do you mean to say she wasn't physically attracted to you when she saw your pictures but after spending time with you on a date she suddenly found herself drawn, sexually, to you?

If you can't find any ladies with anything in common with you, then that means there's no women who have anything in common with you. Date women you are physically attracted to, and befriend women  and men who have the same things in common with you instead.

And do what I've just mentioned.

Spend a pretty dollar or whatever it the South African currency is on making yourself as hot as you can be. Go to a plastic surgeon,  bring with him pictures of the Hollywood movie stars you find to be hot(of course, the men) and then tell the guy you want to look as closely to that movie star as humanely possible. That will increase your chances of getting a young, attractive girlfriend.

The bold above is just ridiculous and I'd never even consider it. BTW I do not think 36 is middle aged but anyway.

No, she liked me as person more, everything about your posts is superficial, I do not only look at looks for me the person is attractive by the person they are not defined by how they look. 

You overstate how picky I am. All I want is just ONCE to have someone like me who I like. Just once. I think you will agree you have had that?

[Azincourt]

1 minute ago, ZA Dater said:

Alright I'll say this, I'd be quite happy with my equivalent looks wise that being tall and slim.

I wasn't just talking about your looks wise in terms of height and body weight. I was also including women who share the same levels of aesthetics your face possess, and the same goes for your hairline, and it also extends itself to the woman's age.

You'll do better if you forget about younger women and focus on women your own age, or older.

A pretty woman is usually looking for a handsome man.  I don't really see that many pairings in my day-to day life in the hundreds of thousands of couples I've witnessed in the life I've spent living on every continent on planet earth, with the woman being pretty/beautiful/cute/hot and the dude's face being hella average-looking. It can happen, tho.

 

1 minute ago, ZA Dater said:

 

What I wont accept is someone hugely overweight and apathetic on top of that. For me that's a total loss situation with no redeeming factors. Yet men do get desperate and settle, good for them, how many do this, I'd wager the % is higher than one would expect.

For sure. It would be humiliating for you to date a woman who is hugely overweight and apathetic, although I have never really come across a guy whose only options are grossly obese women. Most guys I've met - and most of the men I've met aren't a 21 year old Jon Bon Jovi - are just plain-old average. Google average spanish man, and that's exactly how most of the men look around here, and they don't really have that much trouble getting with attractive young women. So something is off here, for the only women who want to be with you, being grossly obese women.

 

1 minute ago, ZA Dater said:

Ultimately the greatest success is where the least competition

 But the sweetest victory is when a woman as attractive as a 19 year old Sara Sampaio or Alessandra Ambrosio picks you from all the hosts of men who want her, and you don't even have to pay a dime to get her.  There's no sweetest feeling in life, when a beautiful Saudi Arabian 21 year old woman challenges Sharia Law and risks being stoned to death by her parents to sleep with you. There's no greater joy in life when you are in your 30s and you can still date beautiful 19 year olds while looking like a bum without any direction in your life.

You can't be better than all the other men if there's no competition for the women you want.

1 minute ago, ZA Dater said:

 

is and that is why I am just sitting back and putting in very little effort because I am not stupid, I look around and I see the competition, I cant even compete with the looks equivalent of me, if I wanted "success" I'd have to simply go for the aforementioned people who do not interest me but how much success would that be actually. In that case I'd rather have a platonic friend I see every so often who does tick most of the boxes than someone like that. 

Bro,  listen. When a woman is truly attracted to you? You won't have to put any effort into it. She'll come to you and she will make it easy. When you have to put yourself out there, and when you have to put effort into making her notice you, that's when you know she really isn't into you and if she dates you it's because she's bored and she feels like she can't do better.

Work on yourself. Do the things I've mentioned in the previous posts and your dating life will become so much better, and you will be highly successful with the women you want to be successful with.

1 minute ago, ZA Dater said:

I know what I am good at, I know where I am strong but its just never enough really to overcome the charming, flirty, fun and dare I say it sometimes totally deceptive competition. Add in inexperience and I can tell you truthfully I would not know if anyone was actually interested in me.

It's not that hard to be charming. This is what I do.

I stop watching all porn. I stop masturbating. I stop calling my old flames on the phone for a quickie because I'm desperate and haven't had sex in a month.

I create this immense sexual frustration and then I turn on the charm and the flirting, not because I'm good at it, but because when your valves are bursting, you turn into Prince Charming.

Stop masturbating, my man!

[Azincourt]

Quote

 

The bold above is just ridiculous and I'd never even consider it. BTW I do not think 36 is middle aged but anyway.

No, she liked me as person more, everything about your posts is superficial, I do not only look at looks for me the person is attractive by the person they are not defined by how they look. 

You overstate how picky I am. All I want is just ONCE to have someone like me who I like. Just once. I think you will agree you have had that?

 

Yeah, and I don't consider myself poor at 60k a year, then I meet a guy who makes 5 million euros a year after taxes and I realize I'm a bum.

Are we a centuries-long species? 

is our life-span 100 years? 200 years?

No, it's 75 for heatlhy  men in the western nations, and even then there's lots of problems and severe health-issues that bother many a man no matter how good he takes care of himself.

a 36 year old man is almost 40. That's old. That's old for everyone, and that's especially old for a 25 year old woman, when she can easily find a man her own age or younger.

Nah, man, you've created a long list of things you are looking for in a woman, and I mean a HUGE list, including her being young and physically attractive and this and that. You don't look at a person's attractiveness based on her physical looks? Then why are you rejecting women who are grossly obese? Do they have terrible personalities?

Yeah,  you have plenty of women who like you for who you are, but those women ain't exactly gonna walk next year's Paris catwalk for Channel are they.

[elaine567]

12 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

What do you mean she changed her opinion of you after getting to know you?

Do you mean to say she wasn't physically attracted to you when she saw your pictures but after spending time with you on a date she suddenly found herself drawn, sexually, to you?

He means she didn't actually like him when she met him. She was the one his friend paid to give ZA yoga lessons whilst she was visiting town and she needed someone to show her around. 
He grew on her, so she ended up thinking he was OK. but there was never any sexual attraction, she was actually besotted with some other mega rich male model type..

[Azincourt]

26 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He means she didn't actually like him when she met him. She was the one his friend paid to give ZA yoga lessons whilst she was visiting town and she needed someone to show her around. 
He grew on her, so she ended up thinking he was OK. but there was never any sexual attraction, she was actually besotted with some other mega rich male model type..

Ah, so she was on the fiddle.  

She was paid to entertain ZA without ZA even knowing she was getting paid by his friend to give him yoga lessons?  At nearly 20 pages I can't keep track of everything that happens.

@ZA Dater   Aren't you trying to overextend yourself a bit too much here?

You're interested in a yoga teacher, who I'm pretty sure is hot as hell, pretty flexible in bed, but she is also besotted with a mega rich Sean O'Pry type?

Bro, you into some terrible acting and terrible plot?

Go watch the movie 365 Days (2020 film) directed by  Barbara Białowąs and Tomasz Mandes, starring Anna-Maria Sieklucka and Michele Morrone, or just skip the movie and google the pictures of Michele Morrone.

You see that guy?

Do you look like that guy?

That's the kind of guy that ends up in bed or married to 25 years old yoga teachers. 

Can you compete with a guy like that?

Not even most fashion models can.

Why do you keep shooting yourself on the foot. How bruised is that foot by now. If you want the hot girl you gotta look like  the hot guy or you better have some Fort Knox-deep pockets, man. 

Edited September 27, 2020 by Azincourt

[elaine567]

I get the fact that someone may not be attracted to you, but not liking you is something a bit different.
Why did she not like you? Did she say why?

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

For me it would be pointless of someone loved me who I felt nothing for.

Agreed. 

 

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

You are right, its easy to become jaded, its easy to adopt incorrect viewpoints, its easy to see things but its VERY difficult to disprove what I see in front of me virtually everyday.

You’re looking through the filter of your beliefs. Look at all the couples around. People pair up and date and get into relationships and get married all the time. And yes, the vast majority of them like, and are attracted to, the person they’re with. Despite most people just being “average”. 
 

 

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

I look around and I see the competition, I cant even compete with the looks equivalent of me, if I wanted "success" I'd have to simply go for the aforementioned people who do not interest me but how much success would that be actually.

This is back to your black and white thinking. Two categories, tall and slim or overweight and apathetic. Nothing in the middle. 
 

Personally I think there are few things you can do that would improve your chances, but you’re pretty unwilling to change. You need to start surrounding yourself with more likeminded people. If that means moving, or taking additional classes, or going to meetups that interest you, surrounding yourself with people that share your values will enhance your life whether they’re women or men. A group of people where you feel you belong rather than feeling like an outsider.

[ZA Dater]

23 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Agreed. 

 

You’re looking through the filter of your beliefs. Look at all the couples around. People pair up and date and get into relationships and get married all the time. And yes, the vast majority of them like, and are attracted to, the person they’re with. Despite most people just being “average”. 
 

 

This is back to your black and white thinking. Two categories, tall and slim or overweight and apathetic. Nothing in the middle. 
 

Personally I think there are few things you can do that would improve your chances, but you’re pretty unwilling to change. You need to start surrounding yourself with more likeminded people. If that means moving, or taking additional classes, or going to meetups that interest you, surrounding yourself with people that share your values will enhance your life whether they’re women or men. A group of people where you feel you belong rather than feeling like an outsider.

Virtually impossible to do. I am quite used to be being the outsider and a good friend tried to re invent himself, is trying to be someone he is not simply to find some sort of tribe, that is not working out to well for him. Its not a route I really want to explore. I do not think you are wrong its just extremely difficult to find like minded people. I am virtually married to work so its doubtful I could date anyway which is another thing I left out. Work gives me some solace from being lonely. I can sit and work numbers and forecasts or I can sit and write, in my case an adventure, romance and suspense novel which is nothing more really than me living vicariously through words. 

The inherent problem really is as you say it would be nice to be found attractive for who I am but then I look at the plastic and sometimes fake world around me and I wonder about that, people having plastic surgery to look like celebrities, people going out of their way to conform to whatever will get them into bed with whoever they want to bed. How many people do you really think present as themselves? Look over the years a few people have found me curious, even some attractive ones but the truth is I do not know "how" to date. Women do not like that, they expect the guy to take charge, whereas the few times I somehow found myself with a seemingly winning hand I managed to grad defeat instead of a win, usually because I simply did not know how to make the best of the situation. There is too much risk of it going wrong so mostly I just take the view of trying to become their friend if I rarely find myself around someone I like. Or I will weight up the chance of success and mostly its zero. 

I do that simply because its easy to get hopes up but when you do the sense of defeat is never pleasant. Perhaps the one thing your advice has imparted me on me is its OK to be me.  It is very difficult to keep spinning some story, for example I have a corporate weekend away coming up and these are truly hateful in many ways because I am the ONLY single one there, so the way I deal with this is put my work face on the treat it as work. My guard is up, my work mind is working and any dating questions are closed down and laughed about before the topic is swiftly changed.

Again all I can say is those are the people I match with, there is no in between at all.

I spent a lot of time thinking how I could be better, things I could do and I wonder if I had perhaps taken more leaps I might have had better success but I do not have much dating confidence, its easier for me put on the work face and just be confident about that, or confident about the things I like in life many of which are experiences people cant relate to, driving that perfect lap around the track in a Ferrari 458. That great view at a wine farm, that road trip through fantastic scenery and more. Its very difficult to connect with people when my passions and likes in life are so far off the beaten track. I have sat as the third person when friends of mine have tried to charm various ladies, I have observed and that entire chain of thinking makes little sense to me, believer it or not some of these ladies do find me mildly entertaining because I am so different but its more fleeting in nature. 

I like people who have something different about them, that for me is very attractive  but its not enough on its own to make the person attractive, much like the things I am good at are not enough on their own.  

My regret list is quite full and a sobering reminder of why I am in this position today. However I can still window shop so that is better than nothing, maybe one day I'll have enough value to be valued.

[ZA Dater]

On 9/27/2020 at 9:46 PM, elaine567 said:

I get the fact that someone may not be attracted to you, but not liking you is something a bit different.
Why did she not like you? Did she say why?

Like for me = attraction. She would not be, I was just useful to perform a function and I have to say I do not mind that and its better than nothing. Her first impressions of me were probably negative because she shared a house for a week and lets to be honest I did not exactly roll out the red carpet. Kept to myself, very quiet and yes in hindsight I messed that up, that's the thing I mess everything up even what can potentially be good. People see that inexperience and it makes me VERY vulnerable so instead of show it because it is so off putting its easier to just keep to myself.

[Foxhall]

Right enough you might get some clues from watching movie actors,

movie I was watching last week, only the lonely, 

the character played by John Candy entertained the lady by asking her six reasons why he should not get a second date and then when she could'nt think of a reason he was in for another date,

if you can get to a scenario where you learn to be more playful on the dates, that might improve your chances,

 

 

 

 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

I like in life many of which are experiences people cant relate to, driving that perfect lap around the track in a Ferrari 458. That great view at a wine farm, that road trip through fantastic scenery and more. Its very difficult to connect with people when my passions and likes in life are so far off the beaten track. 

You're underestimating people.   I think it would be a hoot to be driven in a lap around Bathurst in a V8 Supercar by one of the top drivers.   A great view at a wine farm (with wine and perfect picnic hamper) is the stuff of a perfect weekend away for many, many people....as is the fantastic scenery when touring.   

 

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Like for me = attraction. She would not be, I was just useful to perform a function and I have to say I do not mind that and its better than nothing. Her first impressions of me were probably negative because she shared a house for a week and lets to be honest I did not exactly roll out the red carpet. Kept to myself, very quiet and yes in hindsight I messed that up, that's the thing I mess everything up even what can potentially be good. People see that inexperience and it makes me VERY vulnerable so instead of show it because it is so off putting its easier to just keep to myself.

For posting clarity.  If we say that someone doesn't like us, it refers to dislike.   The words around attraction are different:  You can like someone but not be attracted.   Sounds like you're referring to not being attracted rather than dislike.

When someone shares a house - even for a week, common courtesy dictates that we welcome them into the place - no matter what the gender they are.  We don't have to "roll out the red carpet", but there is an expectation of some warm chatter.   You keeping quiet wasn't about inexperience with women because you'd be expected to be welcoming to a male too.   

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

How many people do you really think present as themselves?

I think too many people present themselves as how they think others want to see them. If you watch that Brene Brown video again, she talks about how damaging that is. I suspect it gets even more amplified on early dates with people we find attractive. We want the other person to like us so we start acting in ways we think the other person would like. Which is a mistake. But hard not to do. 

 

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I do not know "how" to date. Women do not like that, they expect the guy to take charge, whereas the few times I somehow found myself with a seemingly winning hand I managed to grad defeat instead of a win, usually because I simply did not know how to make the best of the situation.

Admittedly, there are norms when it comes to dating. But all women are different. That’s something you’re really going to have to incorporate into your beliefs. I will say most women do like a guy to know what he wants. So figuring that out beyond the very vague “a good experience” would help. Basically do you want a serious relationship or casual sex. You may think that being open to both gives you more chance of success, but it tends to do the opposite. 

 

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

There is too much risk of it going wrong so mostly I just take the view of trying to become their friend if I rarely find myself around someone I like. Or I will weight up the chance of success and mostly its zero. 

And here again, we run into the problem of your beliefs. If you believe beyond any doubt that failure is inevitable, you will never succeed. Even if a woman was truly interested in you, and liked you just for who you are, you wouldn’t believe it. And that possible connection would be doomed from the get go.

 

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Perhaps the one thing your advice has imparted me on me is its OK to be me.

It’s not only OK, it’s vital. Back to Brene Brown’s definition of courage:

”Courage is vulnerability and is the willingness to do something when there are no guarantees.”

 

In other words, be yourself. Let other people get to know you. Tell your story. Even though you can’t control the outcome.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

I think too many people present themselves as how they think others want to see them.

While I agree with the concept of not twisting yourself up to attract the attention of an individual, in a broader sense, acting as expected all goes back to what we're taught as children.  Be clean, use manners, dress nicely...get a bit older and there's a whole raft of social skills we need in order to fit in and be accepted...including things such as the nuances of how we dress, who we sleep with and now many...and the weight we are.   Those who march to the beat of their own drum very often find themselves on the outer.   Not that there's anything wrong with marching to one's own drum, but in order to being accepted by 'neuro typical' society, humans conform.

"Be yourself.  No, not like that"

[ZA Dater]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

You're underestimating people.   I think it would be a hoot to be driven in a lap around Bathurst in a V8 Supercar by one of the top drivers.   A great view at a wine farm (with wine and perfect picnic hamper) is the stuff of a perfect weekend away for many, many people....as is the fantastic scenery when touring.   

I have never ever found much success with that sort of thing because mostly the people do not relate. I get why a lot of you think I go from one extreme to the other but genuinely these are the people I am actually meeting off OLD. I would also think someone would like that idea but the reality is they don't, a good example of this was one date I had, she had never been to a certain wine region, its 45 minutes from the CBD and I thought for a second date it would be a great idea, her enthusiasm was zero. So that is more about me than it is about the destination or the experience, its tough to say but the conclusion I have is that I am the issue not the ideas I suggest. 

I can speak with enthusiasm on many topics but I simply learnt to feel things closely first and more often than not the person is not interested so I sit there wondering what to speak about next, usually find some topic they enjoy and talk about that, one lady spent 2 hours telling me about her job interview in detail. Then told me she expects a birthday gift because her birthday was in three days time.

My view is none of these people want to get to know me, if they did they would put in some effort to do so. As an aside I did once take one for a spin around the track in a Ferrari, I got her number and nearly a date until "well I a boyfriend" when I asked her on said date a few days later.

[elaine567]

25 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

a good example of this was one date I had, she had never been to a certain wine region, its 45 minutes from the CBD and I thought for a second date it would be a great idea, her enthusiasm was zero. So that is more about me than it is about the destination or the experience, its tough to say but the conclusion I have is that I am the issue not the ideas I suggest. 

Yes, not specifically you but anyone who is not considered desirable to that person..
A "romantic" date is great, but it is only great with a person you feel romantic about.
No-one wants to give the impression of interest by accepting.

Of course some women are concerned about safety and being driven miles into the country with someone she doesn't really know can be scary, so she declines.
She doesn't want to be found raped and dead in a ditch...
YOU know your intentions are honourable, she doesn't..

[HiCrunchy]

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Yes, not specifically you but anyone who is not considered desirable to that person..
A "romantic" date is great, but it is only great with a person you feel romantic about.
No-one wants to give the impression of interest by accepting.

Of course some women are concerned about safety and being driven miles into the country with someone she doesn't really know can be scary, so she declines.
She doesn't want to be found raped and dead in a ditch...
YOU know your intentions are honourable, she doesn't..

Lol I always decline getting in a car with a dude on a first date. 

Like no, I don't want to be driven to the second location....

Edited September 29, 2020 by HiCrunchy

[Azincourt]

I'm a dude and I don't feel comfortable getting in a car with a dude. Unless the guy we're talking about is one of my best friends, sure. But someone I'm going on a date? Even if I'm going on a date with a woman instead of the person being a man?

I'm still gonna go all, '' hey, something came up and I'll meet up with you at x location, see you there.'' And my dates take place during the daylight with lots and lots of people around. You never know what kind of person this online dating stuff gets you.

 

[ZA Dater]

8 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Yes, not specifically you but anyone who is not considered desirable to that person..
A "romantic" date is great, but it is only great with a person you feel romantic about.
No-one wants to give the impression of interest by accepting.

Of course some women are concerned about safety and being driven miles into the country with someone she doesn't really know can be scary, so she declines.
She doesn't want to be found raped and dead in a ditch...
YOU know your intentions are honourable, she doesn't..

Ignore that practicalities the point I am making is the idea does not work. I try to leave enough on the table to try and pique their interest enough to try and get a second date but that does not work very well either.

So its coffee dates or dinners or lunches and that's about all that can be offered. Yet people tell me to do activity dates...

 

[Azincourt]

No woman is going to travel hundreds of miles or even 5 to 10 miles with you if she doesn't know you from Adam's apple.

If the interest isn't there on the first date, no amount of creativity is going to land you a second date. 

Edited October 2, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed group berating.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Ignore that practicalities the point I am making is the idea does not work. I try to leave enough on the table to try and pique their interest enough to try and get a second date but that does not work very well either.

So its coffee dates or dinners or lunches and that's about all that can be offered. Yet people tell me to do activity dates...

 

To give clarity, when I said that I’d love those ideas, when I said “a weekend away”, I meant with someone I know well.  This isn’t first date stuff.

I’m curious about you saying that you can’t pique sufficient interest for a second date.  Because when I read your dating stories, it sounds like you wouldn’t want a second date anyway.  

[Azincourt]

He can't get a second date with physically attractive women. And that's what he wants. A young, physically attractive woman with a good college education and a good job.

 He's made it clear in this odyssey of a thread. He can easily get a date with ''grossly obese women'' and a second date, and he'd probably easily get a girlfriend, but he says he doesn't feel any sexual attraction to them, so he chooses to focus all of his mental and emotional energy on women who won't give him the time of the day - if he even manages to get the date - because those women either find him to be boring, lacking in social skills, or they find him to be physically unattractive.

He doesn't put this last part in words, but you don't need to be Freud to figure out this dude's dating problems and why he has those dating problems.

Edited September 29, 2020 by Azincourt