How to be more desireable to search better

[ZA Dater]

21 hours ago, basil67 said:

To give clarity, when I said that I’d love those ideas, when I said “a weekend away”, I meant with someone I know well.  This isn’t first date stuff.

I’m curious about you saying that you can’t pique sufficient interest for a second date.  Because when I read your dating stories, it sounds like you wouldn’t want a second date anyway.  

I have had maybe half a dozen dates with people I did enjoy spending time with, with those I'd have liked a second date. Just today I was discussing this was someone, they need to be wooed and given a reason to see you again, especially when there are tons of other options. Hence one needs to sell, sell the things which make one stand out and hope they are deemed to be desirable. I am tired of selling, if someone does not like who I am so be, it someone likes me and I do not like them then also so be it. Wheezy is right the best version of ourselves is being ourselves.

Ultimately I am well on the road to destination alone forever so its really how I adapt to that reality and what I look for to plaster over that hole.

 

[Azincourt]

You can't sell something that isn't sought after even if the product has it's appeal. To sell something and to sell it well, one needs to market it to people who need what the potential seller is attempting to sell. As you said, the women you're interested have a lot of options, meaning the competition is going to be steep and complicated to navigate for those men who don't have much dating experience.

Even if you don't find a match right now, you still have a lot of decades to live for. Average lifespan for healthy men is 75 years. You have at least 40 years of living left, probably more, so plenty of time to meet someone who will become your girlfriend.

[ZA Dater]

On 9/30/2020 at 9:30 PM, Azincourt said:

You can't sell something that isn't sought after even if the product has it's appeal. To sell something and to sell it well, one needs to market it to people who need what the potential seller is attempting to sell. As you said, the women you're interested have a lot of options, meaning the competition is going to be steep and complicated to navigate for those men who don't have much dating experience.

Even if you don't find a match right now, you still have a lot of decades to live for. Average lifespan for healthy men is 75 years. You have at least 40 years of living left, probably more, so plenty of time to meet someone who will become your girlfriend.

Sure the longer I try the better the choice will get. Not.

That being said I cant disagree with you about needing a good product to sell and and the reality is most "attractive" people have lots of options. All of which are better than me, I cant control that but I can control how I react, I can control what I feel, I can control to the extent rejection and loneliness effects me.

What I can do is just try be the best version of myself, I have control over that aspect even if I cant control what people find attractive.

I nearly had a date for an event, this is someone older than me but in good shape but she is just fishing around for well to do guys and for a minute I thought it might be a good idea to invite to the dinner, get some wine going and see what happens. She has plans so that idea is out, I suspect he has found a temporary well to do guy.  Again I should have played this situation better considering I met her a year ago. The reality is as usual I did not know what to do. It was also a case of her needing my expertise and when she got that I became less useful.

Friend of mine is older, he has so many women keen on him he does not know what to do with them, from 19yo to 35yo and he is late 40's but very well off and "fun".  He goes to festivals and parties so it figures. He is not interested in relationships either and any advice he offers to me is about as useful as trying to plant tropical plants in Arizona. The truth is there is nobody around me can actually help me at all. 

It would seem when it comes to dating, the advice is always the same but the realities ever different. 

 

[Trail Blazer]

On 9/29/2020 at 7:19 AM, Foxhall said:

Right enough you might get some clues from watching movie actors,

movie I was watching last week, only the lonely, 

the character played by John Candy entertained the lady by asking her six reasons why he should not get a second date and then when she could'nt think of a reason he was in for another date,

if you can get to a scenario where you learn to be more playful on the dates, that might improve your chances,

 

 

 

 

Not everyone has the "luck of the Irish" on their side.  No, I'm not talking about John Candy here...

Question; why do Irish girls always give out second dates?

Answer; because they need "to be sure to be sure."

I digress...

I'm sure that if ZA Dater knew how to joke and be flirtatious, we wouldn't be here right now, contributing to this monster thread.

 

[Foxhall]

Thank you for the reference TB,

Its hard to know really, I be somewhat fascinated by this poster and similar posters who have these struggles with the ladies,

I know from my own experiences I have always had issues with shyness and so on but would have found women from time to time regardless,

perhaps being unable to take enough of an interest is part of the issue, he gets bored easy on the dates or whatever,

I certainly could not add anything better than what yourself or others here advise,

anyway he will probably strike it lucky yet.

[ZA Dater]

On 10/5/2020 at 11:18 PM, Foxhall said:

Thank you for the reference TB,

Its hard to know really, I be somewhat fascinated by this poster and similar posters who have these struggles with the ladies,

I know from my own experiences I have always had issues with shyness and so on but would have found women from time to time regardless,

perhaps being unable to take enough of an interest is part of the issue, he gets bored easy on the dates or whatever,

I certainly could not add anything better than what yourself or others here advise,

anyway he will probably strike it lucky yet.

I think to be fair the situation I find myself is is part of my own doing and part circumstances but I can say the advice here has made me feel a bit better as a person. I loose a bit less sleep about being alone.

One thing I am not going to do is take interest in people who show me no interest but seeing as I never know if anyone is showing me interest I just cant be bothered to invest in what might not even be there. Every so often I'd meet someone in passing, usually with said friend who has no issue finding attractive dates and she will be attractive to me, we have a businesslike conversation and that is that. The point made by some here is I need to spill emotions, why, I can tell you categorically people are not interested in people who have neither sexual experience or dating experience, why would they be when there are plenty of other options who do? 

Azincourt is right in the respect of the only hope for people like me to to find other people like me but it does much imagination to see that those people I wont find attractive for exactly the same reasons people find me unattractive.

Can you honestly say of the women you found you found them all attractive or was it "well she is sort of ". 

Maybe its just sad but I have arrived at a place of acceptance, sure this is not what I want but maybe what I do want is just impossible to get. I think for me its a case of what I want or nothing. In this case it would seem nothing is the only thing attainable which put another way is better than having something I do not want. I accept most people are more charming than me, I accept most people are more overall attractive than me and I just accept that ladies just like them more, they have more of the things people want so obviously they are going to be the picks people want. I just have to accept those realities. 

Sure it would be nice to actually be loved for who I am but again we cant all have that. We cant all have mutual attraction and like it or not we do not all land up with someone we find wow, again that is reality. Either I accept that reality and partake in it or I simply sit it out. Again is the game really worth playing, maybe it is not. I have met people I enjoyed spending time with, maybe that is the best I can hope for really. I think the only way to succeed is to have the things people want and a very social personality, I have noticed those people tend to do quite well at dating. 

The truth is I am simply too far a lost cause for anyone to want to date, barring then most desperate person or someone who actually likes the idea of a project.

[ZA Dater]

What I have realized is I am happier when I do not worry about what I cant control and happier when I just keep myself busy so my mind does not have time to wonder. Working out is helping with that and helping me just feel more at peace with life in general. So I am single, so what really, millions of people are. Beating myself up about being lonely does nothing good and makes me just feel bad in the process. What also helps is not going out where I am likely to see Chad and his cocky charm, if I insulate myself from everything I am not good at and reminds me of how not good I am, I can actually live a far happier life overall. 

I am chatting to someone, she is nice enough but there is no real attraction for me other than someone to chat to. Which is o.k. I tried my luck with someone older but that was a mistake and a waste of time. Fill my day with reasons to feel good rather than ones to feel bad has meant again I have happier days. I think I will always look back with a certain amount of regret about many things and things I did not do, chances I did not take and so on but I cant change that now. I need to own what is now and the circumstances now. I have to concede my ideas and approach was always wrong and as such I threw away a lot of potential opportunity which I guess is why the world is dealing me the dating hand I have now which is basically abysmal enough I can get up from the table, walk away and actually not feel too bad about it. I just need to keep focusing on the good things in life, remove myself from dating apps and just keep myself busy. I cant worry about 5 months from now I need to try enjoy the next 5 hours rather. 

In short I regret the decisions I made but I cannot change them only live with them.

Thanks to everyone here for their input and advice, its appreciated. 

[Trail Blazer]

All the best, bro!  Do what you think is right.  We own our own happiness.  Nobody else does.  We can't rely on others to fill a void of unhappiness - we can only hope for them to compliment the happiness we've already derived from within.

 

[ZA Dater]

On 10/19/2020 at 5:49 AM, Trail Blazer said:

All the best, bro!  Do what you think is right.  We own our own happiness.  Nobody else does.  We can't rely on others to fill a void of unhappiness - we can only hope for them to compliment the happiness we've already derived from within.

 

Exactly. I just find my life much better when I am not worried about being alone, worried about being so far behind everyone else,  worried about not experiencing things other have and generally trying to panel beat myself into something I am not in the hope someone will find me attractive. Its a horrible way to live and while its not easy not to slip back into old ways I need to try and stick with this. So when I see the pretty blond at the shop, sure I look but fleetingly and simply move on, safe in the knowledge I have no chance because I am not good enough. I am better at other things though.

Its when one starts hoping that things go wrong, with hope comes expectation and for me those are never good when it comes to dating. All I hope is I can accomplish enough other things to fill the dating void.