How to be more desireable to search better

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, OatsAndHall said:

The one commonality in your threads is this, @ZA Dater; your refusal to take steps to become a more sociable individual. Not only do you refuse to do so, you look down on societal norms that make dating enjoyable. On many of your threads, you have commented on the fact that you essentially find simple conversations mundane and not worth your time. You continually describe a lack of connection with people but you see the necessary steps towards making that connection to be boring. One one hand, you state that you're trying to become a better conversationalist but then turn around and state that a,b,c through x, y, and z topics don't "interest you." 

I would have some empathy towards your situation if you didn't have such disdain for simply learning to hold a conversation with someone. On our first date, my gf made it know that she was a Stephen King fan which I am too. She's more zealous about the topic than I am but we talked about his works for two hours. Yes, there were other topics I would've enjoyed discussing as well but I ran with it and it turned out to be an incredibly enjoyable date. The same thing happened on our second; she enjoys Tarantino films and I do as well. As such, we talked about his films for several hours. AGAIN, there were other things I would have enjoyed talking about but WE WERE HAVING FUN.

I get that but almost all dates I have been on I need to provide almost all of the conversation. There is nothing to talk about. Mostly I wonder why I even bother to begin with. There is never enough common interest, I once went on a date where she spent 3 hours describing a job interview. And after the date tells me she tells me she wants a guy to provide for her. She was pretty so I am sure she did get what she wanted.

I can do small talk it just does not interest me. If I have to sit there listening all about her friends I'd frankly rather just sit at home and work. The point is now I can't be bothered, all dates become is a waste of time because it's not like I am going out with people I find super amazing to begin with and they never become super amazing on the date either.

Think I am done with the this.

[jspice]

It’s baffling how people get sucked into this every time. 
 

You’re right. You are undateable because you choose to be. 
You look down on others’ topics of conversation, yet your interests aren’t exactly sparkling. 
It’s not that people don’t “get” your humour. It’s that you don’t possess the dry humour you think you do. The times you’ve pointed out you were joking here, there was no trace of a joke. 
 

Everything is beneath you. Everyone is beneath you. Nothing is good enough for you. 
Recognise that YOU are the problem. Millions of women in South Africa who are all at fault  😐

South Africans are known as some of the friendliest people, but you lead everyone on here to believe they’re a bunch of stuck up snobs. You’re being disingenuous and you know it. Your world is small because you’re not expanding it. 
 

I’m tired of your misrepresentations.

 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Think I am done with the this.

And the cycle continues. Please tell me you see it. If you don’t, please go back as it plays out in most of your threads.

[ZA Dater]

5 hours ago, jspice said:

It’s baffling how people get sucked into this every time. 
 

You’re right. You are undateable because you choose to be. 
You look down on others’ topics of conversation, yet your interests aren’t exactly sparkling. 
It’s not that people don’t “get” your humour. It’s that you don’t possess the dry humour you think you do. The times you’ve pointed out you were joking here, there was no trace of a joke. 
 

Everything is beneath you. Everyone is beneath you. Nothing is good enough for you. 
Recognise that YOU are the problem. Millions of women in South Africa who are all at fault  😐

South Africans are known as some of the friendliest people, but you lead everyone on here to believe they’re a bunch of stuck up snobs. You’re being disingenuous and you know it. Your world is small because you’re not expanding it. 
 

I’m tired of your misrepresentations.

 

Not sparkling, well I'd think that world politics and the world economy are rather more important than who slept with Amy and who is dating Tom and how drunk Peter got last weekend but hey I guess I am wrong. Sure, not trace of a joke because you couldn't read between the lines, that's not exactly my fault is it.

As for South African's being the most friendly kindly cite a credible source or that comment is dismissed as nothing more than conjecture. I have no idea where in SA you grew up or when for that matter but I disagree and the experiences of others I know supports that but whatever. A stunning CPA I know struggled for years to find a guy, MUST be because she was unfriendly I guess.

Oh and if they are so friendly why when I greet people do they never greet back, perhaps its my hawk like face but again that wouldn't be an excuse to be unfriendly.

I have tried countless times to expand my world, I have been on dates with only but the best of intention "oh lets be friends" never hear from the people ever again, hardly the mark of a friendly person, "oh I only met up for a free lunch" again super friendly I am sure you will agree, or how about not pitching up at all or arriving drunk, or "I could see within 1 minute I didn't like you", marvellous friendly people all of them. But yes the problem is me.  

I choose to be the best person I can be, if nobody likes that than so be it, I give up, I have done all I can do. I'd rather starve than eat scraps on the floor.

Thank you everyone.

 

 

 

[ZA Dater]

5 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

And the cycle continues. Please tell me you see it. If you don’t, please go back as it plays out in most of your threads.

I am done, I read the constructive text book apparently practical suggestions here, have tried most of them, none of them work so time to simply admit defeat and move on. Recognise I only want the best I can but cant get that and what I can get is like ordering a pizza and having a burger arrive, you can eat it but its never going to be what you really wanted in the beginning. Honestly I am glad you could find 30 different people to date a month. Kudos because I cannot even find 5 a year. Good for you.

I am equally glad you found someone on OLD who you liked and who liked you, well done. It must be great.

In short as some have pointed out I lack any dateable qualities so if I lack those at least I can maybe be good at something else in life.

Cheers.

 

[Weezy1973]

And if you continue your cycle, which I suspect you will, you’ll be back on here in a few weeks asking again how to succeed in dating.

We’re all creatures of habit. If you want to break your cycle you need to change. And real change is hard.

[jspice]

26 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Not sparkling, well I'd think that world politics and the world economy are rather more important than who slept with Amy and who is dating Tom and how drunk Peter got last weekend but hey I guess I am wrong. Sure, not trace of a joke because you couldn't read between the lines, that's not exactly my fault is it.

As for South African's being the most friendly kindly cite a credible source or that comment is dismissed as nothing more than conjecture. I have no idea where in SA you grew up or when for that matter but I disagree and the experiences of others I know supports that but whatever. A stunning CPA I know struggled for years to find a guy, MUST be because she was unfriendly I guess.

Oh and if they are so friendly why when I greet people do they never greet back, perhaps its my hawk like face but again that wouldn't be an excuse to be unfriendly.

I have tried countless times to expand my world, I have been on dates with only but the best of intention "oh lets be friends" never hear from the people ever again, hardly the mark of a friendly person, "oh I only met up for a free lunch" again super friendly I am sure you will agree, or how about not pitching up at all or arriving drunk, or "I could see within 1 minute I didn't like you", marvellous friendly people all of them. But yes the problem is me.  

I choose to be the best person I can be, if nobody likes that than so be it, I give up, I have done all I can do. I'd rather starve than eat scraps on the floor.

Thank you everyone.

 

 

 

I can appreciate a real dry wit. Maybe you’re not humorous. 
 

Nobody says you can’t talk about politics and the global economy but who the hell wants to talk about those things on a date? 
You can dismiss my comments all you like but who on this board or in any of your hundreds of threads really believes that nobody in SA Is capable of being a good date? 
Are people more likely to believe you “nobody likes me. Everyone in SA is just unfriendly and fat and alcoholic” or ME, who presents a more reasonable description of a well rounded population. 
 

I grew up the same time as you did, in Cape Town where people greet me as I’m walking down the street, they smile and chat and make small talk. But you’re too good for small talk. If NOBODY is talking to you, the fault lies with you. 
I got TWO degrees in 6 years, the second one was a law degree. In my final year I had thirteen subjects and two part time jobs. I had a very good social life that involved zero alcohol. 
 

Why should people be friends with you if they don’t click with you on a date?? 
They don’t owe you that. You don’t even think the people you go on dates with are worthy of you, so do you want to be friends so you can judge their offensive behaviour as you do here? 
You’re judging the people you find on Tinder. Tinder! You’re expecting high quality on a site that lets you swipe left or right based on looks. Ridiculous. 
 

In every thread you “give up” with some passive aggressive comment about scraps till you create another thread to complain about the same stuff. 
 

Yes, you are the problem. You have a long list of things you won’t do but nothing remotely reasonable that you WILL do. 

[ZA Dater]

5 minutes ago, jspice said:

I can appreciate a real dry wit. Maybe you’re not humorous. 
 

Nobody says you can’t talk about politics and the global economy but who the hell wants to talk about those things on a date? 
You can dismiss my comments all you like but who on this board or in any of your hundreds of threads really believes that nobody in SA Is capable of being a good date? 
Are people more likely to believe you “nobody likes me. Everyone in SA is just unfriendly and fat and alcoholic” or ME, who presents a more reasonable description of a well rounded population. 
 

I grew up the same time as you did, in Cape Town where people greet me as I’m walking down the street, they smile and chat and make small talk. But you’re too good for small talk. If NOBODY is talking to you, the fault lies with you. 
I got TWO degrees in 6 years, the second one was a law degree. In my final year I had thirteen subjects and two part time jobs. I had a very good social life that involved zero alcohol. 
 

Why should people be friends with you if they don’t click with you on a date?? 
They don’t owe you that. You don’t even think the people you go on dates with are worthy of you, so do you want to be friends so you can judge their offensive behaviour as you do here? 
You’re judging the people you find on Tinder. Tinder! You’re expecting high quality on a site that lets you swipe left or right based on looks. Ridiculous. 
 

In every thread you “give up” with some passive aggressive comment about scraps till you create another thread to complain about the same stuff. 
 

Yes, you are the problem. You have a long list of things you won’t do but nothing remotely reasonable that you WILL do. 

I have done everything I can. Tinder is a widely accepted dating platform, interesting you judge everyone on there... effectively doing exactly the same thing you accuse me of.

I am sure there many good dates in SA I just haven't found many. 

[jspice]

1 minute ago, ZA Dater said:

I have done everything I can. Tinder is a widely accepted dating platform, interesting you judge everyone on there... effectively doing exactly the same thing you accuse me of.

I am sure there many good dates in SA I just haven't found many. 

Tinder is not the only way, or even the best way to find dates. I’m not trying to date them so I feel very comfortable with all my comments. 
 

[Trail Blazer]

When I was doing OLD, before I met my girlfriend on Bumble in October last year, I was also on Tinder. 

As most people who've used Tinder would know, it has a paid feature called Tinder Gold.  For anyone who doesn't know, Tinder Gold enables, among other things, users to bypass the search radius accoring to GPS and select any city in the world.

I believe I've mentioned this before, but I think it's pertinent to mention it once more.

I searched four major cities in South Africa.  Johannesburg, Pretoria, Cape Town and Durban.  By far, I found that Cape Town not only had the most beautiful women in South Africa, but also the city I received the most matches. 

I did this because I was really curious to get a better understanding of what ZA Dater is dealing with.  I also did it because I am rather fascinated by South African culture and I love that bizarre accent.

To this day, I have three women I am friends with on Facebook who I connected with through Tinder.  Yes, I did tell them immediately after we matched that I was actually from the United States and that I was just doing a bit of an experiement.

One of the three ladies I have on Facebook, one I speak with regularly.  We've both met partners in our respective cities, so we're happy for each other.  She actually suggested that when this pandemic is over, I should fly over to Cape Town with my girlfriend for a double date. 😆

@ZA Dater my experience, albeit only brief, would be in direct contrast to yours.  Your city seems to have many great folk and certainly a lot of nice looking women.

[ZA Dater]

19 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

When I was doing OLD, before I met my girlfriend on Bumble in October last year, I was also on Tinder. 

As most people who've used Tinder would know, it has a paid feature called Tinder Gold.  For anyone who doesn't know, Tinder Gold enables, among other things, users to bypass the search radius accoring to GPS and select any city in the world.

I believe I've mentioned this before, but I think it's pertinent to mention it once more.

I searched four major cities in South Africa.  Johannesburg, Pretoria, Cape Town and Durban.  By far, I found that Cape Town not only had the most beautiful women in South Africa, but also the city I received the most matches. 

I did this because I was really curious to get a better understanding of what ZA Dater is dealing with.  I also did it because I am rather fascinated by South African culture and I love that bizarre accent.

To this day, I have three women I am friends with on Facebook who I connected with through Tinder.  Yes, I did tell them immediately after we matched that I was actually from the United States and that I was just doing a bit of an experiement.

One of the three ladies I have on Facebook, one I speak with regularly.  We've both met partners in our respective cities, so we're happy for each other.  She actually suggested that when this pandemic is over, I should fly over to Cape Town with my girlfriend for a double date. 😆

@ZA Dater my experience, albeit only brief, would be in direct contrast to yours.  Your city seems to have many great folk and certainly a lot of nice looking women.

You are better looking than me. Simple.

[Trail Blazer]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

You are better looking than me. Simple.

Circular argument.  

Looks and OLD is somewhat important, but you have many barriers preventing you from succeeding in dating.  It's those other barriers which you can control that you need to work on.

You are way too serious.  You've just got to chill, bro.  If you're anywhere close to being as uptight IRL as you come across on here, then man, that's a big turn off for women.

No matter how intelligent a woman is, she doesn't want to talk about world politics on a first date.  What a woman wants on a first date is to be made to feel comfortable.

It's important to learn about the person you're on a date with, but there's a right way and a wrong way to go about doing it. 

If you're treating the date like a job interview where she's the applicant, it's going to become irksome for her rather quickly.  You need to connect with someone on an emotional level and then you'll start to see them reveal themselves organically.

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Circular argument.  

Looks and OLD is somewhat important, but you have many barriers preventing you from succeeding in dating.  It's those other barriers which you can control that you need to work on.

You are way too serious.  You've just got to chill, bro.  If you're anywhere close to being as uptight IRL as you come across on here, then man, that's a big turn off for women.

No matter how intelligent a woman is, she doesn't want to talk about world politics on a first date.  What a woman wants on a first date is to be made to feel comfortable.

It's important to learn about the person you're on a date with, but there's a right way and a wrong way to go about doing it. 

If you're treating the date like a job interview where she's the applicant, it's going to become irksome for her rather quickly.  You need to connect with someone on an emotional level and then you'll start to see them reveal themselves organically.

No the fact you got attractive matches is telling. Looks are the start, they open the door, if you cant open the door you cannot walk into the room, you can stand at the window and looking through. Serious is who I am and if people don't like it again, so be it. This mentality I must be someone I am not in the remote chance someone will like that fake version of me simply makes no sense because even I can only act for so long. OK she must be made to feel comfortable, what BS , honesty. If you aren't comfortable meeting someone in a public place then don't meet them.  I refuse to bow down and grovel. Not one date I have been on had made me feel nervous probably because I know the inevitable outcome.

You know what, nobody in my family is particularly emotional. I am not either. Especially not when I spent much of life being looked down upon or being told I cant. All that did was just made me more determined to do what they said I could not do. But none of this counts for anything because as I have been told countless times on this very forum we all have leagues and well mine is pretty low. I am not going to waste time with people I don't find attractive.

I have walked roads people cannot relate to, experienced things I wouldn't with on anyone, seen things I wish I could forget and lived in a version of h*ll for three years. I am still here, still going, still determined. But no don't bring these things up lest miss whoever cannot relate. This is the problem when life comes up they don't relate ever because most people cant, so either I lie and create something of nonsensical value. I don't have a lot of instances where I wished "I wish I could have seen here again but the ONES I do ALL were where the date went well and I DID like the person. BUT the inescapable truth is the OLD world is awash with choice, I can be the best version of me but still not good enough.

People here tell me "but why not only OLD". Right after I ask about trying to speak to people in a coffee shop "well women there aren't looking to date" that's the flipping problem there are NO platforms other than OLD where women are looking to date. Well there are but I don't drink which kills all of them stone dead and my serious persona means chances are 6ft under anyway. People like loose light hearted people, I am not that, again most people in my family aren't either but what I am is the guy who will come out at 2am to help you when your car wont start. Make no mistake I think women and people who have the ability to choose from a variety of people , should.

It is next to impossible for me to meet people, I am never ever going to be the outgoing guy, just simply is not me, however I can find a lot of confidence when I around confident people. I am never going to sell who I am ever again because it just doesn't work, the things I have enjoyed in life are so un relatable to most I cant be bother, only ONCE has this ever worked, she was impressed I knew the exotic island where her one picture was taken.  I can debate with the best of them, I am confident in what I know but again no real value there. One of my passions is cars, again un relatable. I have been lucky enough to drive the dream cars of many, experiences I might add which were far superior to any date. Again those are not normal experiences so I sit down and assuming I can find an attractive date I need to construct a different narrative to try and suit the situation.

DO the dates land up like interviews, most do because I simply get bored that the person offers up no conversation and I am forced either sit there in silence or try a multitude of topics hoping she shows some enthusiasm for one. Make no mistake  had had amazing dates but those are very few and they never result in a second.

PS Cape Town is good Jan through March.

 

[Trail Blazer]

5 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

No the fact you got attractive matches is telling. Looks are the start, they open the door, if you cant open the door you cannot walk into the room, you can stand at the window and looking through. Serious is who I am and if people don't like it again, so be it. This mentality I must be someone I am not in the remote chance someone will like that fake version of me simply makes no sense because even I can only act for so long. OK she must be made to feel comfortable, what BS , honesty. If you aren't comfortable meeting someone in a public place then don't meet them.  I refuse to bow down and grovel. Not one date I have been on had made me feel nervous probably because I know the inevitable outcome.

You know what, nobody in my family is particularly emotional. I am not either. Especially not when I spent much of life being looked down upon or being told I cant. All that did was just made me more determined to do what they said I could not do. But none of this counts for anything because as I have been told countless times on this very forum we all have leagues and well mine is pretty low. I am not going to waste time with people I don't find attractive.

I have walked roads people cannot relate to, experienced things I wouldn't with on anyone, seen things I wish I could forget and lived in a version of h*ll for three years. I am still here, still going, still determined. But no don't bring these things up lest miss whoever cannot relate. This is the problem when life comes up they don't relate ever because most people cant, so either I lie and create something of nonsensical value. I don't have a lot of instances where I wished "I wish I could have seen here again but the ONES I do ALL were where the date went well and I DID like the person. BUT the inescapable truth is the OLD world is awash with choice, I can be the best version of me but still not good enough.

People here tell me "but why not only OLD". Right after I ask about trying to speak to people in a coffee shop "well women there aren't looking to date" that's the flipping problem there are NO platforms other than OLD where women are looking to date. Well there are but I don't drink which kills all of them stone dead and my serious persona means chances are 6ft under anyway. People like loose light hearted people, I am not that, again most people in my family aren't either but what I am is the guy who will come out at 2am to help you when your car wont start. Make no mistake I think women and people who have the ability to choose from a variety of people , should.

It is next to impossible for me to meet people, I am never ever going to be the outgoing guy, just simply is not me, however I can find a lot of confidence when I around confident people. I am never going to sell who I am ever again because it just doesn't work, the things I have enjoyed in life are so un relatable to most I cant be bother, only ONCE has this ever worked, she was impressed I knew the exotic island where her one picture was taken.  I can debate with the best of them, I am confident in what I know but again no real value there. One of my passions is cars, again un relatable. I have been lucky enough to drive the dream cars of many, experiences I might add which were far superior to any date. Again those are not normal experiences so I sit down and assuming I can find an attractive date I need to construct a different narrative to try and suit the situation.

DO the dates land up like interviews, most do because I simply get bored that the person offers up no conversation and I am forced either sit there in silence or try a multitude of topics hoping she shows some enthusiasm for one. Make no mistake  had had amazing dates but those are very few and they never result in a second.

PS Cape Town is good Jan through March.

 

I think that Tinder Gold searches cities by default in the center of the CBD, so that helps maximize one's chances of being noticed.  I'm going to assume that you live in a fairly affluent area?  Close to town?  Do you routinely run out of matches when swiping?

I wouldn't say that all my matches were attractive.  As I was using Tinder Gold, I could see all my matches.  A lot were less-than-desirables.  Plenty quite pretty.  The ones I speak with are moderately attractive, but great people.

I did speak with one lady who was one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen.  Her photos were amazing and showcased the beauty of your city.  The mountains and beaches.  This girl was something else. 

Alas, every man would have been after her and I had no luck.  I neglected to tell her I was not local, as I was curious to see if I could land a date with someone that hot.  She was a 10, man!  Well, the answer is no, she seemingly just liked the attention (or just another Chad better than yours truly).

However, I digress...

At the end of the day, you need to make yourself dateable.  You need to identify what women want and what you are able to offer them?

Being rigid and inflexible is never, ever going to see you have luck in the dating world.  Thinking that being warm and engaging to someone else is not being true to yourself, being fake et al, just sounds like a deflection from the reality that you don't relate to people.

Look man, I've been on some dud dates where I couldn't get much out of the girl.  Certainly not all dates went smooth.  Sometimes you just don't click with that person.  It happens. 

You say that you have had "amazing dates" before, but they never end up in second dates?  Why is that, do you wonder?  The door was wide open as she was sitting in front of you.  Your looks never mattered then, as she decided to meet up anyway.

I'd hazard a guess that those ladies didn't find the date amazing.  Why?  Well, perhaps they played along and humored you, because they were intelligent and could keep up with world politics et al and could see that you were passionate about it.  However, just because they could keep up, doesn't mean that's what they wanted to talk about on a first date.

You can dismiss it all you like, but how you make someone (esp. a woman) feel in all facets of life, but none more so importantly than on a first date, is absolutely critical. 

If you cannot show someone that you're able to meet them halfway, they'll never entertain a second date with you.  If someone suspects you're very insular, and you give them the impression that it's "my way or the highway" then she'll be hightailing out of there as quickly as she can.

P.S. you NEED to work on yourself and how you connect with people.  Something is way off in that regard.

[elaine567]

15 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

  I refuse to bow down and grovel.

Who is asking you to?

[ZA Dater]

On ‎8‎/‎24‎/‎2020 at 3:21 AM, Trail Blazer said:

I think that Tinder Gold searches cities by default in the center of the CBD, so that helps maximize one's chances of being noticed.  I'm going to assume that you live in a fairly affluent area?  Close to town?  Do you routinely run out of matches when swiping?

I wouldn't say that all my matches were attractive.  As I was using Tinder Gold, I could see all my matches.  A lot were less-than-desirables.  Plenty quite pretty.  The ones I speak with are moderately attractive, but great people.

I did speak with one lady who was one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen.  Her photos were amazing and showcased the beauty of your city.  The mountains and beaches.  This girl was something else. 

Alas, every man would have been after her and I had no luck.  I neglected to tell her I was not local, as I was curious to see if I could land a date with someone that hot.  She was a 10, man!  Well, the answer is no, she seemingly just liked the attention (or just another Chad better than yours truly).

However, I digress...

At the end of the day, you need to make yourself dateable.  You need to identify what women want and what you are able to offer them?

Being rigid and inflexible is never, ever going to see you have luck in the dating world.  Thinking that being warm and engaging to someone else is not being true to yourself, being fake et al, just sounds like a deflection from the reality that you don't relate to people.

Look man, I've been on some dud dates where I couldn't get much out of the girl.  Certainly not all dates went smooth.  Sometimes you just don't click with that person.  It happens. 

You say that you have had "amazing dates" before, but they never end up in second dates?  Why is that, do you wonder?  The door was wide open as she was sitting in front of you.  Your looks never mattered then, as she decided to meet up anyway.

I'd hazard a guess that those ladies didn't find the date amazing.  Why?  Well, perhaps they played along and humored you, because they were intelligent and could keep up with world politics et al and could see that you were passionate about it.  However, just because they could keep up, doesn't mean that's what they wanted to talk about on a first date.

You can dismiss it all you like, but how you make someone (esp. a woman) feel in all facets of life, but none more so importantly than on a first date, is absolutely critical. 

If you cannot show someone that you're able to meet them halfway, they'll never entertain a second date with you.  If someone suspects you're very insular, and you give them the impression that it's "my way or the highway" then she'll be hightailing out of there as quickly as she can.

P.S. you NEED to work on yourself and how you connect with people.  Something is way off in that regard.

I do not run out of people to swipe but maybe 1 in 10 is attractive to me.  Sure make yourself dateable. Except for the issue everyone seems to want something different and they are about as transparent about what they want as a black piece of plastic. I cant guess what they want. I have become inflexible because I am tired of bending over backwards for dates, if someone doesn't like me then so be it, I am not going to be a fake person in that hope they will like the fake person better or pander excessively to them in the hope they might like me, I have done both and in hindsight that sort of thing is pathetic. My version of engaging clearly does not translate to others version of engaging.

Why the amazing dates decided to meet me, I don't know, maybe nothing better to do? They can date a different guy each week it easy so why not meet me. I don't think I did anything special to earn that date, I was simply lucky. I have no idea what to talk about on a first date. There I said it. Continually I just get dismissed here for what I think one should talk about but nobody actually tells me what to talk about.

When do people meet me half way? Seemingly never. They don't find the date amazing because there is another Chad they can date tomorrow and the day after that, looks gets them everything so they can put in zero effort at all.

I am never going to be that overly emotional guy so I guess its no surprise my dates end as disasters. At least I get a date every few years I enjoy. Scant consolation but its better than nothing.

I am have given up trying to wonder why I don't get second dates and rather just concede that its just a fact of life, just like some people cook better than others, some are better with numbers than others. Much of dating seems to be judgement and I don't have much dating judgement.

For once now I do have a reasonable match but I am not investing much into this because its someone who has endless options. I am convinced the only people who really like me are people who have no other options and a perceived low market value.

[Weezy1973]

6 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

For once now I do have a reasonable match but I am not investing much into this because its someone who has endless options. I am convinced the only people who really like me are people who have no other options and a perceived low market value.

And you’ve failed before you even go on the date. You’re your own worst enemy. 

[ZA Dater]

On ‎8‎/‎25‎/‎2020 at 10:02 PM, Weezy1973 said:

And you’ve failed before you even go on the date. You’re your own worst enemy. 

I just know she will find some sort of issue. Rather be realistic than needlessly optimistic.

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

I just know she will find some sort of issue. Rather be realistic than needlessly optimistic.

 

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

But in your head there are only two possible scenarios:

1. A woman that is interested in you, but you’re not attracted to.

2. A woman you’re attracted to, but is not interested in you because she has more attractive options.

 

[elaine567]

If they have more attractive options why are they on a date with you?
Women are not dating guys to make up some sort of a quota, 25% no hopers every week...
They date to find people they are compatible with.
If a guy is not putting in any effort, then of course they will pass.
Why wouldn't they?
Women tend to mirror -  no effort from you = no effort from them...
Desire in a woman is often hinged on how desirable a man makes her feel. 
If you are disinterested, lacklustre and boring  or on some sort of a bitter mission, then she is going to be turned off and turned off women do not want second dates.

[ZA Dater]

11 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

If they have more attractive options why are they on a date with you?
Women are not dating guys to make up some sort of a quota, 25% no hopers every week...
They date to find people they are compatible with.
If a guy is not putting in any effort, then of course they will pass.
Why wouldn't they?
Women tend to mirror -  no effort from you = no effort from them...
Desire in a woman is often hinged on how desirable a man makes her feel. 
If you are disinterested, lacklustre and boring  or on some sort of a bitter mission, then she is going to be turned off and turned off women do not want second dates.

So its best to avoid first dates. I am frankly tired of putting in effort, they can put in some effort for a change.

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

So its best to avoid first dates.

Is that  a joke?
I hope it is a joke, albeit a bitter one...

[ZA Dater]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Is that  a joke?
I hope it is a joke, albeit a bitter one...

A cynical one yes, simply because too little attention, they pass, too much attention they pass.

Irrespective its always going to be the guys fault no matter what he does. So I had a conversation where her Monday and Tuesday, nothing yesterday and nothing so far too. You'd like the fact she is a workaholic and unlike most matches I normally get is gainfully employed and ambitious. The down side is 37 and two kids both under the age of 10. Other downside, lives an hour away. Upside, attractive and when she was chatting, chats very well and is clearly intelligent. This is one instance where I would compromise re kids because he profile is transparent and there is enough else about her I like.

Swings and roundabouts.

[elaine567]

Try to set up a date.
Two small children and a workaholic, it will likely be at least 2 weeks before she can fit you in.

[5x5]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I am frankly tired of putting in effort, they can put in some effort for a change.

While ever you remain determined to be an awful date, you will continue to fail at this activity.