How to be more desireable to search better

[Trail Blazer]

5 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

So its best to avoid first dates. I am frankly tired of putting in effort, they can put in some effort for a change.

Bro, that's not how it works!  *SMH*

The reality, whether you like it or not, is that men mostly have to make the bulk of the effort initially.  You do have to win women over, there's no two ways about it!  If you want a decent woman for a relationship, not just for a fling, then making effort is part of the deal.  However, it's important to know when that effort is worth putting in and when you have to walk.

If you cannot connect with the people you're dating, then the end result of putting in the effort will be, at best, fruitless, but more likely to be the worst case scenario which is extremely disheartening.

It would be reckless to suggest pursuing something that doesn't feel right, i.e. lack of attraction etc.  However, at the same time, I feel that you are inherently negative and closed-minded in nature, and that is playing a huge part in your lack of dating success. 

It's six of one and half a dozen of the other when it comes down to whether your lack of dating success is completely your own doing.  You are who you are at the end of the day and we, as individuals, do not have an unlimited capacity to change.  Our core personalities are just that, at our core!

My only advice would be to keep trying to be the best person you can be, whilst not trying to mould someone else into the same category.  Some differences can be embraced, rather than viewed as an incompatibility.

My girlfriend and I have some very different interests.  I like cars, sports, MMA and she has very little interest in those things.  She likes crochet, flat-faced cats and baking.  None of those things interest me, but that doesn't mean we drew a line through each other on the first date.

If a girl isn't interested in world politics, or supercars, or the stock market... so what?  Does she have to share all the same interests as you for there to be compatability?  The answer is no...

It doesn't matter if we shared even fewer interests than we do, so long as the interests we do share are things that we can partake in a practical sense together.  For example, one of our shared passions is red wine.  We also love country drives, so we combine our love of wines and country drives by heading out to the wine regions for an afternoon.

At the end of the day, most women like good food, good wine and most importantly, good company.  To be good company, you need to be a warm and engaging person.  Can you be that person?  That person who makes a woman feel comfortable being in your company?

Ask yourself; what value do I bring to a woman's life?  I mean, her every day life.  I'm not talking about money or superficial stuff, as that's not a woman you want anyway.  I mean, can you make her feel good to be around you?

It's hard to be in your head, but just talking from personal experience, I've just always known when someone was worth putting in the effort for.  When we've just "clicked."  You know, that dirty word you hate... chemistry!  If you don't believe it even exists, it's hard for you to feel what othere feel when they're not only extremely attracted to someone in every way, but they can innately tell that the feeling is mutual.

What it all boils down to is one thing ans one thing only; if you are giving up on putting any effort into first dates, then really, what you're actually doing in practical reality is giving up on dating, period.  You're just deciding to give up on dating and choosing to not value your own time all that much in the process. 

Don't bother if you aren't going to put effort.  It's as simple as that!

.

[ZA Dater]

So we chatted this afternoon, she apparently likes all the things I do (probably only the second time ever this has happened), gave her my number so we can chat on WhatsApp. Go look now and I find I have been unmatched.

This is why I don't bother.

Put simply. Someone better came up as is always the case.

 

 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

Bro, that's not how it works!  *SMH*

The reality, whether you like it or not, is that men mostly have to make the bulk of the effort initially.  You do have to win women over, there's no two ways about it!  If you want a decent woman for a relationship, not just for a fling, then making effort is part of the deal.  However, it's important to know when that effort is worth putting in and when you have to walk.

If you cannot connect with the people you're dating, then the end result of putting in the effort will be, at best, fruitless, but more likely to be the worst case scenario which is extremely disheartening.

It would be reckless to suggest pursuing something that doesn't feel right, i.e. lack of attraction etc.  However, at the same time, I feel that you are inherently negative and closed-minded in nature, and that is playing a huge part in your lack of dating success. 

It's six of one and half a dozen of the other when it comes down to whether your lack of dating success is completely your own doing.  You are who you are at the end of the day and we, as individuals, do not have an unlimited capacity to change.  Our core personalities are just that, at our core!

My only advice would be to keep trying to be the best person you can be, whilst not trying to mould someone else into the same category.  Some differences can be embraced, rather than viewed as an incompatibility.

My girlfriend and I have some very different interests.  I like cars, sports, MMA and she has very little interest in those things.  She likes crochet, flat-faced cats and baking.  None of those things interest me, but that doesn't mean we drew a line through each other on the first date.

If a girl isn't interested in world politics, or supercars, or the stock market... so what?  Does she have to share all the same interests as you for there to be compatability?  The answer is no...

It doesn't matter if we shared even fewer interests than we do, so long as the interests we do share are things that we can partake in a practical sense together.  For example, one of our shared passions is red wine.  We also love country drives, so we combine our love of wines and country drives by heading out to the wine regions for an afternoon.

At the end of the day, most women like good food, good wine and most importantly, good company.  To be good company, you need to be a warm and engaging person.  Can you be that person?  That person who makes a woman feel comfortable being in your company?

Ask yourself; what value do I bring to a woman's life?  I mean, her every day life.  I'm not talking about money or superficial stuff, as that's not a woman you want anyway.  I mean, can you make her feel good to be around you?

It's hard to be in your head, but just talking from personal experience, I've just always known when someone was worth putting in the effort for.  When we've just "clicked."  You know, that dirty word you hate... chemistry!  If you don't believe it even exists, it's hard for you to feel what othere feel when they're not only extremely attracted to someone in every way, but they can innately tell that the feeling is mutual.

What it all boils down to is one thing ans one thing only; if you are giving up on putting any effort into first dates, then really, what you're actually doing in practical reality is giving up on dating, period.  You're just deciding to give up on dating and choosing to not value your own time all that much in the process. 

Don't bother if you aren't going to put effort.  It's as simple as that!

.

For me I need people who have some common interests otherwise its a complete waste of time for me and not worth the effort, interests which are not compatible simply will not work so its pointless for me to date someone who likes music festivals and I don't. Life style incompatibility is the biggest issue for me.

95% of the time for me the effort isn't worth it simply because of the above. Totally incompatible. Well, exactly we can only do so much and I have done all I can do. Even when I see the potential and I do put in the effort its disheartening anyway, its always like this, never ever have had I anything remotely resembling success. People don't understand how disheartening that is to go through over and over again, for what really?

I can be warm and engaging I just don't have any reason to be anymore. That's the honest truth, the latest saga being a good example of that, its frankly irrelevant what I am or what I say the result are always the same. And each time this happens, a just a little more cynicism arrives, I become a little more jaded and I care a little less. You add this up over 20 years and you then arrive at someone who is far different than what they were, shaped by being disheartened, disappointed and ultimately endlessly rejected.

Unfortunately I'd argue all women on OLD want are superficial things but someone will be along shortly to tell me I am wrong so I wont commit myself to that point of view definitively.

Trust me I also know when its worth putting in the effort but in my case for what, even when I do the results are the same and frankly the times where its worth putting in the effort are now so rare as to be simply an anomaly rather than a regular occurrence.

Do I really have much reason to bother continuing with dating? Do I really have any reason to? Just about the only reason is everyone makes fun of the fact I have never had  a gf so if at least I go through the motions I can show I am at least trying even when I cant be bothered most of the time. I cannot think of one thing that dating has ever brought me that's positive, besides endless first dates with 95% of people I had no interest in from the off and those I did, well I knew to put in the effort but it was never enough, the first time this happened I thought ok well lets try do better next time but after 20 years of the same thing I have for most purposes anyway simply given up. Then again dating for me started with being rejected in front of 20 other people as  17yo asking someone out to a dance (FYI I ended up taking nobody and going on my own) That set the trend of rejection and you know what every date I have had has come off OLD.

 

[elaine567]

27 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Put simply. Someone better came up as is always the case.

Not necessarily.
You are a bit of a workaholic too and you have no kids, she maybe thought on reflection, it was a waste of her time.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Not necessarily.
You are a bit of a workaholic too and you have no kids, she maybe thought on reflection, it was a waste of her time.

Then simply tell me.

But no, its the same old BS over and over again. So yes I'll just move on with a bit more bitterness and a bit more jaded.  

I work because you know what, most things I buy, down a chocolate bar give me my happiness than any dating encounter. People become their experiences and I have simply just become one with the experiences I have had dating so the next time someone tells me I need to be A or B or C to date I am going to dismiss it as being complete nonsense because it is just that, dating is like trying to predict the weather in 40 days time, I am more likely to get it wrong than get it right.

This was one the unicorn times where there was common interest and actually I was interested in meeting up.

But of course I should not be surprised what happened, I predicted it and well it happened so no real surprise there.

I am just irritated and disheartened in unequal measures.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

But no, its the same old BS over and over again. So yes I'll just move on with a bit more bitterness and a bit more jaded.  

You’re calling being rejected BS? Then yes, I’d agree that dating is probably not for you. Rejection and rejecting is part of the process. If you can’t accept that reality, it it seems like you can’t, then best do something else.

[ZA Dater]

8 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

You’re calling being rejected BS? Then yes, I’d agree that dating is probably not for you. Rejection and rejecting is part of the process. If you can’t accept that reality, it it seems like you can’t, then best do something else.

Please tell me you have only had rejection, of course not because you have stated as much. You don't seem to get it, all I get is rejection, nothing else.

[Trail Blazer]

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Please tell me you have only had rejection, of course not because you have stated as much. You don't seem to get it, all I get is rejection, nothing else.

That will happen when you're only willing to date unicorns.

[Weezy1973]

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Please tell me you have only had rejection, of course not because you have stated as much. You don't seem to get it, all I get is rejection, nothing else.

Everybody I dated prior to my wife ended in rejection or rejecting. Your sample size is tiny. I likely had more first dates in one month than you’ve had in your life. 

[ZA Dater]

47 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

That will happen when you're only willing to date unicorns.

Oh well then so be it. I want to date who I find attractive why the heck would I want to date someone who is

1: incompatible

2: not attractive.

And when I mean I attractive I mean attractive overall not in just one facet, someone who actually has their life together and is actually looking to accomplish things rather than someone who has decided "that will do". If that's a unicorn to you then so be it. In this instance I was even prepared to overlook kids and my view on them is well documented here.

I used to think the best of people when it comes to dating but I think I am actually better off just thinking the worst from the outset, at least I wont get disappointed that way nor will I be surprised.

Irony is I get a text from someone else "do I want to go wine tasting with her" not really to be honest (never mind the fact I don't drink wine), she is sweet and all but not what I am looking for overall. Unfortunately it would seem I need to content myself with the odd very brief, very rare time I do actually like someone overall with the knowledge that moment will indeed be very rare and very fleeting.

Rejection just closes me off even more.

 

 

[ZA Dater]

20 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Everybody I dated prior to my wife ended in rejection or rejecting. Your sample size is tiny. I likely had more first dates in one month than you’ve had in your life. 

Good for you. I could also go for 5 dates a week if I had zero standards and time to waste on people who don't interest me at all and who aren't compatible.

[Weezy1973]

7 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Good for you. I could also go for 5 dates a week if I had zero standards and time to waste on people who don't interest me at all and who aren't compatible.

Yes by all means, you can continue on as you are. Your success speaks for itself. Keep defending your methods. Keep doing the same thing over and over. Keep making the same comments over and over. Keep getting the same (lack of) results over and over. Keep complaining about the world over and over.

[ZA Dater]

49 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Yes by all means, you can continue on as you are. Your success speaks for itself. Keep defending your methods. Keep doing the same thing over and over. Keep making the same comments over and over. Keep getting the same (lack of) results over and over. Keep complaining about the world over and over.

Thanks. I'd rather have no success with people I do find attractive then have success with people who don't interest me.

[Weezy1973]

Then why post threads here? If you’re happy with your lack of success, no need to change right?

[elaine567]

Trouble is the first date is only the start.
I see you cannot fathom why anyone would settle but that is because you have never had a relationship.
Ticking boxes is ticking boxes. Things change, things evolve, that great compatible person becomes a nightmare, becomes someone you eventually cannot stand. 
You realise that what you thought was important was never important and that next time you look for different things.
As people age they start looking for things that make them happy, not silly superficial stuff that doesn't matter and doesn't last.
So yes she may have apparently "settled" for the chubby short guy with the bald head and the bad jokes instead of the tall dark and handsome guy with a six pack and a ready wit, but if that chubby guy suits her and she loves him, then who cares what others think?

[ZA Dater]

30 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Then why post threads here? If you’re happy with your lack of success, no need to change right?

And going on dates with people I find neither interesting or attractive is the solution?

[Weezy1973]

1 minute ago, ZA Dater said:

And going on dates with people I find neither interesting or attractive is the solution?

I found that actually going on dates was the best determinant of attraction and interest. Not pics / profiles from OLD. And yes, many times there wasn’t any attraction. But sometimes there was.

[ZA Dater]

12 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Trouble is the first date is only the start.
I see you cannot fathom why anyone would settle but that is because you have never had a relationship.
Ticking boxes is ticking boxes. Things change, things evolve, that great compatible person becomes a nightmare, becomes someone you eventually cannot stand. 
You realise that what you thought was important was never important and that next time you look for different things.
As people age they start looking for things that make them happy, not silly superficial stuff that doesn't matter and doesn't last.
So yes she may have apparently "settled" for the chubby short guy with the bald head and the bad jokes instead of the tall dark and handsome guy with a six pack and a ready wit, but if that chubby guy suits her and she loves him, then who cares what others think?

This may surprise you but in my mind the first date is the start yes and its also the start of where I will tend to compromise for someone I find attractive overall. So yes I may have that glass of wine, yes I may loosen up a bit, I may go to that club once in a while, I may do the small talk. However I need a reason to do that sort of stuff and that reason is making an investment in someone I do like,  its absolutely pointless doing this with someone I don't see any real future with or any real attraction with. I have said it before and I will say it again, within 30 min I can determine if the person is attractive to me or not. My friend thinks I am mad, for him its ALL about looks, nothing else, he cannot fathom why I don't swoon over the busty athletic lady, why because it can ALL fall down for me if she isn't attractive overall.

So people here call me superficial which is far from the truth, I am fussy yes, unreasonable? No.

I work odds, this last one had kids, on balance I didn't mind that (and the inevitable baggage which comes with it) because the conversation was good and there were key things we both liked which would be what I term to be glue. The fact she lived 50 miles away was also mitigated by the good conversation and shared interests. I cannot get much excited about someone where there are no shared interests, not great conversation and no decent job.

Someone here mentioned it, its knowing when to put the effort in but how do I really find anyone worth putting effort into. But as is always the case its pointless because the evitable always happens. People don't get it, looks aren't enough for me, they never ever were, even growing up I was always attracted to the all rounder versus the cheerleader.

[ZA Dater]

5 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

I found that actually going on dates was the best determinant of attraction and interest. Not pics / profiles from OLD. And yes, many times there wasn’t any attraction. But sometimes there was.

With due respect in a society I live in that's impossible, I can go on with poorly spoken uneducated people, they are never ever going to be attractive, I know that before the date even happens. MOST will find me super attractive because I could represent a way out their circumstances, before you roast me on this do some reading about socio economics in South Africa.

I can very clearly see in interaction via text if the person is interesting, mostly they never get there because they are not physically appealing or on par with me.

[5x5]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

And going on dates with people I find neither interesting or attractive is the solution?

No, the solution is for you to stop dating.

[jspice]

7 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Yes by all means, you can continue on as you are. Your success speaks for itself. Keep defending your methods. Keep doing the same thing over and over. Keep making the same comments over and over. Keep getting the same (lack of) results over and over. Keep complaining about the world over and over.

Weezy, so that’s your secret to getting all those dates l! You didn’t have standards! 
Everyone who gets dates are lying liars who pretend they’re something they’re not. We’re all just vapid sheep who only care about gossip. 🙄
 

incidentally “Weezy” autocorrected to “Sexy”.

maybe my phone knows something I don’t 😆

[jspice]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

With due respect in a society I live in that's impossible, I can go on with poorly spoken uneducated people, they are never ever going to be attractive, I know that before the date even happens. MOST will find me super attractive because I could represent a way out their circumstances, before you roast me on this do some reading about socio economics in South Africa.

I can very clearly see in interaction via text if the person is interesting, mostly they never get there because they are not physically appealing or on par with me.

That’s TINDER. Not SA. 
Some people may be poorly educated but you’re rude and condescending. 

[MeadowFlower]

1 hour ago, jspice said:

Some people may be poorly educated but you’re rude and condescending. 

👏 👏 👏 👍 

[CaliforniaGirl]

22 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

With due respect in a society I live in that's impossible, I can go on with poorly spoken uneducated people, they are never ever going to be attractive, I know that before the date even happens. MOST will find me super attractive because I could represent a way out their circumstances, before you roast me on this do some reading about socio economics in South Africa.

I can very clearly see in interaction via text if the person is interesting, mostly they never get there because they are not physically appealing or on par with me.

Then you're screwed.

Aaaand it's a wrap. It's been nice talking to you.

[ZA Dater]

19 hours ago, 5x5 said:

No, the solution is for you to stop dating.

Probably true. Then again because I am not going on 10 dates I week apparently according to some I am not dating anyway. Perhaps it would be helpful if those who go on so many dates with so many different people tell us what their criteria is, or is it a case of simply going with anyone who shows any interest at all? What does this accomplish? Its like eating a food you detest in the hope that after the 10th siting you actually kind of like it.

Its like buying 20 cheap t shirts rather than 2 quality good ones. Sure you have 20 but what's the point when they fall apart of ten washes.

Sure, out of 10 dates I have gone on were with people who did not interest me but I thought lets try anyway but after years of doing this I asked myself why I did it and could find no real logical reason or an benefit.

Maybe I am unrealistically fussy, who knows but what I do know is there are people out there I find attractive overall but for whatever reason I have zero chance with them, maybe  am simply tried of selling, maybe I use too much logic and too little emotion, maybe I don't gush and pander enough. Who knows really and I probably wont ever know because well criticism is never given overtly. Its given by rejection but this is ok for most because there is an entire shopping catalogue of new dates. Its just so happens what I find attractive is very specific, it always has been, the ideal has always been the same and its unlikely to ever change, its all centred around feeling some sort of wow.