Is it old love or is it a divorce waiting to happen?

[Samfoxlove]

Hey all, for the purpose of privacy and fear of this might be damaging I have chosen pen names for my self and the other half. I am Sam and Dave my other half have no idea I am writing this, I would be internally grateful if you could read my outlet and would love to hear from you if you have anything to comment or advice.

 

We are down to earth and funny people, I like meeting new people and breaking the ice, where Dave is more reserved and shy until he is more comfortable and familiar. Since we've been married we have been home birds and zero night/clubbing life, even trips to the pub are far and few as it always just us two and results in having a drink or two at home rather than going out. This has made making new friends more difficult and we feel awkward I guess going to a bar or a pub for the purpose to make new friends. A lot of the friends I made at uni are either aboard or we lost touch - I went through a rough patch career wise back in 2014 which meant I isolated my self from most people - I guess I was ashamed of what I did for living after getting a good degree and seeing all my friends crack on with their dream jobs.

 

Dave and I met in 2011 during my last year at uni, I am now 31 and Dave is 38, we moved in together quickly after and got tied the knot in a Civil partnership in 2013. since then we have bought a house in the country side (around 45min drive from the closest gay bar or major city) and adopted two dogs. We both love going away on holiday and although Dave is the whinge about everything type I learnt to adapt to his ways of thinking and non of us are perfect lets be honest.

 

 

Dave and I have never been the affectionate or the romantic type in public (or even much in private), but lately it has really been getting to me lately, if I try and touch him he would pull away often or if I try and lean my head on him he would move (its not aggressive or mean maybe discomfort), if I try to Kiss him he will tell me that I have not washed my teeth or he hasn't, I don't know if that make sense but the relationship is starting to feel like a friendship rather than a marriage! - I am 100% sure he is not cheating or talking to anyone!

 

I want to add something I have also been noticing that when/if I am ever Walking naked or getting in bed naked he never seems to look or even glance. (Neither of us are the athletic six pack bods but we are both around 15 stone and go to the gym often, just in case reading the last paragraph made you think that the sight of my body is yukk)

 

In our 9 years together 99% of the times I have to initiate any foreplay or sex, at first sex was amazing and regular, now a days foreplay happens once every 3/4 months when I initiate it while a sleep, but intercourse has not happened for over 20 months now! (Vers couple - so I am happy to top or bottom, but I get told that either of us have not showered/you or I had a big dinner, etc..). Also its gone rougher than before! If Dave is masturbating me off I am so sore after and saying to him to go easy often makes him not in the mood anymore.

 

When I voice my concerns about the lack of sex, Dave is quick to remind me how uncomfortable he is in initiating and how I should be trying harder, or he would say he is feeling bloated and conscious.

 

I am a horny MF! I am releasing once or twice a day in this lock down all alone in the toilet but i am getting more and more frustrated that I don't get to share that with him!

 

If Dave touches me I am rock solid within seconds, I cannt say the same about him, it takes us about 2/3 mins of play to get him going and i can feel he is pulsing it. (is it me? He says he is attracted to me and he doesn't want to separate, but i am feeling more and more alone and lost)

 

 

Weekends are getting more and more intolerable, we spend majority of Saturday arguing about how bored Dave is and the lack of things to do, we are fed up with shopping, we go for brief walks but he would refuse to spend money to go away within the country, if it is not aboard then its not happening . (Unless its camping which I absolutely hate with every bone in my body)

 

Every conversation is turning into a fight or a bicker these days, I am googling divorces but I know I don't have the money to move out or any close friends I can ask for help. I am really sad and feeling a lot of hurt. Few weeks ago I was honest and told Dave that our relationship is turning into a friendship for the lack of romance and sex but he refused all my points (I got blamed for half of them) and said he is not letting this relationship end in a divorce. (part of me thinks he only said that because he doenst want to tell his parents his divorce is gone tits up)

 

 

This is a quick and brief insight, but i would really appreciate any comments or advice. Thanks you soo much for reading.

[FMW]

23 minutes ago, Samfoxlove said:

said he is not letting this relationship end in a divorce

Well then, he needs to be willing to communicate openly and clearly about things.  From what you write, it sounds like he's lost interest in your romantic/sexual relationship, but wants to maintain the security and stability of your partnership. 

I don't think that's sustainable.  You want sex and romance, and if you're not getting it at home, at some point it's very likely you'll be tempted to get it somewhere else.  Even though you think he wouldn't, he might do the same.  

Be really blunt with him.  Don't let him shut down the conversation by saying he isn't going to "let" it end in divorce.  Maybe there's something going on with him (medication, physical health) that's killed his libido.  Maybe he's holding resentments against you and subconsciously "punishing" you for something.  There's no way to know until he tells you what the issue is.  Apparently he thinks you'll just allow things to go on as they are.  Make it clear to him that you won't.