Jamesones10123 Posted July 14, 2020 Share Posted July 14, 2020 Hi all. Sorry about the long and winded essay but here goes... Been married 13 years. Been together 17 years altogether. Have 3 children ( 14b. 12g. 8b). We have had our ups and downs like any couple but im not sure i want to be here anymore. As im disabled and in a wheelchair as the house is adapted for my needs i feel as tho im trapped and i dont know what to do for the best. Wife wont drive the kids around to clubs as she says she doesnt like driving but if one of her family wants to go somewhere she will drive them no matter how far it is. But if i ask its a point blank NO. A few weeks ago we had a argument over me not doing things ( even tho i try my best at everythibg and help with most things around the house). She locked the door when i went out in the car so i couldnt get back in and the kids thought i left them (or thats what she told them). I tried getting back in a few times throught the day but then in the afternoon she threw a bag outside so i ahd to try and find somewhere else to stay. I ended up at my parents ( it wasnt accessible but i had to make use of the situation as i had nowhere else to go). The next day she asks me to go for food with the kids. So i agreed and then i put them straight about how i didnt leave them and that she locked me out. So now im back im not sure i want to be here and im only here for the kids. I dont know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 14, 2020 Share Posted July 14, 2020 You get a divorce. File for custody & the accessible house. The minute she locked you out of the house, you needed to be done. That is disgraceful. What kind of a mean awful person does that? Yuck. As a general proposition courts are more sympathetic to wheelchair bound people & tend to award them the accessible houses because they don't have as many options. You should not be forced to live with this dreadful woman any more. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jamesones10123 Posted July 14, 2020 Author Share Posted July 14, 2020 2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: You get a divorce. File for custody & the accessible house. The minute she locked you out of the house, you needed to be done. That is disgraceful. What kind of a mean awful person does that? Yuck. As a general proposition courts are more sympathetic to wheelchair bound people & tend to award them the accessible houses because they don't have as many options. You should not be forced to live with this dreadful woman any more. Im not sure how to leave as she is controlling. I think thats the hardest thing for me is how do i tell her im leaving and without upsetting the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 14, 2020 Share Posted July 14, 2020 I agree - divorce. Contact an attorney, you can probably get a free consultation. Let them advise you on how to proceed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 14, 2020 Share Posted July 14, 2020 6 minutes ago, Jamesones10123 said: Im not sure how to leave as she is controlling. I think thats the hardest thing for me is how do i tell her im leaving and without upsetting the kids. You call a lawyer. That person will help you. Get in touch with some father's groups. They will help you fight for your kids. Yes, your kids will initially be upset that mom & dad are divorcing but they will get through it. There are support groups for kids whose parents are divorcing. This isn't the 1950s. Your kids won't be the only ones with divorced parents. Heck, in tact marriages / parents are more rare. The kids just need to know you both love them but if your stbx is incapable of that, you love your kids enough for both of you. If you need therapy to get stronger to leave, get some. Nobody can control you unless you let them. Your legs may not work but you have a brain, you have a voice & you have computer / internet access. In short you have options. Use them. Your parents are still around. Rely on them for support. You can do this! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jamesones10123 Posted July 14, 2020 Author Share Posted July 14, 2020 I dont have that much funds as im on low income. So not sure if i will be able to afford any attorney. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 14, 2020 Share Posted July 14, 2020 If you are low income you probably qualify for legal services. Call them. There are also new programs popping up all over the country for discounted legal services. Call the local bar association & ask about that. They will have suggestions for you. The call is free 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted July 14, 2020 Share Posted July 14, 2020 @d0nnivain is right on this. Make a couple calls, and tell them your situation. THere is probably free help... and... if she is the breadwinner at the moment... she will wind up paying you alimony and child support. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThePhoenixStillRises Posted July 14, 2020 Share Posted July 14, 2020 7 hours ago, Jamesones10123 said: Im not sure how to leave as she is controlling. I think thats the hardest thing for me is how do i tell her im leaving and without upsetting the kids. Leaving a controlling spouse is very difficult. And every step you make towards your new life will most likely make her lash out at you. Be prepared for that. You need to stick to your decision and show no emotion...she wants you to get upset and change your mind. Your kids will eventually see the truth...you may need to be patient for that. Be prepared for your relationship with them to be strained for a little while. But they will be okay. Also, look for signs of parental alienation occurring as a result of things she may be telling them. She may use that tactic as a way to exert her control over you while you are no longer there. I agree with calling the local bar association. There are ways to get reduced legal aid. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jamesones10123 Posted July 17, 2020 Author Share Posted July 17, 2020 Thanks all for your replies. Im still not sure as to how to tell her that i want a divorce as she cant see anything wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 17, 2020 Share Posted July 17, 2020 What she sees isn't the point. You know how bad this is. You have to do what's best for your children. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 17, 2020 Share Posted July 17, 2020 1 hour ago, Jamesones10123 said: Thanks all for your replies. Im still not sure as to how to tell her that i want a divorce as she cant see anything wrong. First you need to start being brave and stand up to her. It's easy, just say "I'm leaving and filing for divorce, I will still see my kids". Then leave and seek legal aid. Maybe you can move in with your parents until you get your own place. Look changes aren't easy but so worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jamesones10123 Posted July 17, 2020 Author Share Posted July 17, 2020 10 minutes ago, stillafool said: First you need to start being brave and stand up to her. It's easy, just say "I'm leaving and filing for divorce, I will still see my kids". Then leave and seek legal aid. Maybe you can move in with your parents until you get your own place. Look changes aren't easy but so worth it. I know that if i say that she will kick off and i would rather figure out a way without the drama. If that is possible Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 17, 2020 Share Posted July 17, 2020 There are no easy ways out of a divorce. There are going to be emotions involved on both ends so you have to be brave and ready for the drama. You can shorten your exposure to it by saying what I told you above and then leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 17, 2020 Share Posted July 17, 2020 2 hours ago, Jamesones10123 said: I know that if i say that she will kick off and i would rather figure out a way without the drama. If that is possible It's not going to be possible without drama. She thrives on drama. The best you can do is minimize the drama. You will have to stand your ground but not react when she throws a fit. Remain calm. Do not raise your voice. Given your special needs do not leave your house. You need the accessibility. As the able bodied person she can leave if she can't stand to be around you once you make your announcement. Her gender alone does not make her entitled to the house. Link to post Share on other sites
ThePhoenixStillRises Posted July 19, 2020 Share Posted July 19, 2020 On 7/17/2020 at 8:53 AM, Jamesones10123 said: I know that if i say that she will kick off and i would rather figure out a way without the drama. If that is possible With the way she sounds, there is going to be drama from her anyway you go about it. I suspect that each step you take is going to set her off. My ex-H did not see anything wrong either....he thought we lived a happy life, oblivious to the fact that he was making me feel like I was dying each and every day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jamesones10123 Posted July 27, 2020 Author Share Posted July 27, 2020 Update... still here wonderin what to do for the best. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 27, 2020 Share Posted July 27, 2020 You know what to do intellectually you are just not ready to do it emotionally. Until you decide to take action you will remain stuck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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