Quarantine affair got serious

[Maika]

I spent the last couple of days browsing through this forum. First time writing here (English is not my first language, so bear with me).

I met him in February. It was work-related and we immediately clicked. We started messaging a lot, we met a couple of times (nothing happened) and then the lockdown happened. During lockdown I was living with my soon-to-be ex husband and he was living with his wife and kids. Nevertheless, we spent every waking hour messaging.

We decided to meet and we ended up living together for weeks. Now we're seeing each other almost every day (except when he visits his family a couple of weekends a month).

Everything is great. We love to work together, the sex is mind-blowing and we can talk for hours. In the beginning he told me that he wanted to be with me but that he was scared at the idea of hurting his kids. I found it really hard, obviously (it triggered all sort of insecurities). Last week he told me that he finally feels ready to talk to his wife. We talked about our finances and we talked about how to come out at work (we are not colleagues but we work in the same industry). Both times, he was the one initiating.

But. It is also an emotional rollercoaster. We already got into a couple of huge fights. Yesterday his wife told him that she is planning for a week vacation in August and I don't know if I can take it. I told him, and he got upset because he doesn't want to feel under pressure.

I don't want to be pushy and I don't want to push him away – but I can't help but feeling that he should talk to her sooner rather than later. They have already been living in different cities for years. I'm afraid that it's just a matter of time before his wife realizes what is going on and turn his kids against him. It would destroy him and us.

I know we shouldn't have gone so far without fixing the situation, but we did and we're in love and we love each other and I would love to hear your advice on how not to ruin the best thing that's ever happened to me. I know I probably should just leave him or at least go NC until he talks to his wife but even though I managed to take a few steps back I found it almost impossibile.  Thank you in advance for reading.

Edited July 15, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mark clemson]

This is not a recommendation, but if you want to bring things to a head (one way or another) then insisting he tell his wife soon should do that. If he really wants you, that should in theory make it easier for him to end things with her. He would need to be prepared to divorce if he does this. Without this, it's reasonably likely he will string you along for some time. IF he is unhappy in his marriage, then you are making it easier for him to tolerate it by being the outlet for his emotional needs.

You will need to think carefully about the kid situation. You don't mention how old they are, but from their perspective it will likely feel like "you hurt my mom" (via the affair). And someone who hurts your mom can't be that good of a person. I'm not sure what the best solution would be, but I think that he would need to very much own his part in this. If he "was done" with the marriage before you came along and it was just a matter of time, possibly they would be more forgiving. Not sure if that is the real story, though. There's no real way to stop the mom from bashing you (or him) so IMO he would need to step up to the plate on that.

Generally workplace relationships are ill-advised. Hope this doesn't cause problems.

Overall, you're in a tricky situation. It's not fair to his wife to continue the affair. IF he's really done with the marriage, then it seems like the correct thing to do would be to consider ending it sooner rather than later.

Since you are apparently already divorcing, the more sensible thing to do would have been to finalize that and date a single man, not at a place of work, rather than starting this. Much less messy. But here you are.

Edited July 14, 2020 by mark clemson

[Love77]

It seems as though you want to be serious with this man because you love him, but at the same time you don't want to ruin his relationship with this kids.  I'm going to be honest with you, the kids are going to hate him and they are going to hate you for breaking up the marriage.  I'm not trying to be mean, but just based off of what I have seen in my life, that has been the pattern.  Now, if you want to do the "right" thing to possibly lower your chances of his kids not hating the dad so much, you can tell your BF that you don't want to be involved with him until the divorce is official.  At least, if he's divorced and he gets involved with someone it's more tolerable for the kids.  Good luck!