Is it me being too sensitive or she being an a**h***?

[CaraGrace]

For some years I have been feeling that my friend on and off says things to me that are demeaning or insulting. But the problem is she doesn't say these things in a very mean or bad manner, but so casually or sometimes even sounds like it's a compliment, and so it would make me look like an a**h*** if I talk back or defend myself. 

For example, she always says she is so jealous of me that I can rely on my husband financially, while she has to work hard to pay bills and rent. I have explained to her many times that just because I am a freelancer and don't have a full time job doesn't mean that I don't have to work and can't be financially independent. But she doesn't seem to believe it and keep saying that I am a lucky housewife who doesn't need to do and worry about anything. I found it very insulting because I also work very hard every day in order to keep my clients and jobs coming. And I do not "aspire" to be a housewife like she does, I am and I want to be a career woman. 

I have been putting up with it for years, just trying to forgive and convince myself that she doesn't intentionally insult me. But recently I find myself keep thinking over and over on all these "insulting" things that she has been saying to me, even many of them sounds like compliments in the way and tone she says them. I find myself feeling so resentful that I have stopped talking to her for a while now. I don't really want to like lose a friend because it may be just me being sensitive, but when I recall what she said to me for so many times and years, I cannot convince myself anymore that it was not intentional.

Just take the following story as an example. These all happened in one day when we met up with our husband and another friend some months ago...

It was a month after my wedding when my husband and I offered to treat her, her husband and another girl friend (let's call her M) dinner for helping on our wedding. And since she and her husband just moved to a new home, we went to her place for house-warming before going out for dinner that night. In her home, we went through her bookshelves and found her wedding albums and so we had a look together, and then she immediately said, in a girlish or cutesy voice as she always does, "Well I think you haven't seen these before since you didn't come to my wedding, not like M, she came as she promised, but you didn't keep your promise."

What followed was very awkward laughters, except me, I didn't laugh or smile or whatsoever, I just felt very uncomfortable and didn't know how to respond, and at the same time I felt a bit angry and annoyed because I didn't think I deserve to be made to feel guilty for not attending her wedding 5 years ago. 

I didn't go to her wedding because I was backpacking in another country at that time. 5 years ago in June, M and I decided to go backpacking together, and it was around the same time she told us that she was getting married that year end. M and I originally planned to travel for 6 months and so we told her that we would be able to come back in time for her wedding. Well I think you can take it as a "promise", but honestly there can be change of plans and more important things in life than to attend someone's wedding. Just one month into my trip I found that 6 months was too short, and I decided immediately that I had to make full use of the 1-year visa to stay there, while it probably was my first and last chance to travel that long (I quit my job and spent 10 years saving up for that trip and it was a hard-earned dream of a lifetime). So I immediately told her, apologized to her that I couldn't come back for her wedding because I decided to stay, and I couldn't afford another USD1000 roundtrip tickets just to fly back for her wedding and return to my trip, I just couldn't. There was really nothing more I could do than to say sorry and wish her the best on her wedding, because I cannot sacrifice my dream just to be physically present on her perfect wedding, and I believe my absence doesn't make me less her friend. She still had my blessings and I also sent her card and gifts too.

But what she has been saying for the years to follow, for multiple times, is that I broke my promise, and I don't think she has ever for a moment thought about how important that trip was to me. And if she is a real friend she shouldn't want me to sacrifice my dream to fulfil hers. I already said sorry and that's all I could do. I couldn't believe she still had to bring it up 5 years later and made me look like an a**h*** in front of everybody, and just because I cared enough to show interests in looking at her wedding photos.

But I feel guilty when I blame her for saying such things, since firstly it is a fact that I didn't attend her wedding, and secondly, she was my bridesmaid in my wedding and she appeared to be very happy to see me getting married and be a part of it. But does it mean that I owe her for the rest of my life? That she can just keep bringing it up and saying that I didn't keep my promise and make me look bad in front of other people? And after looking at her wedding photos, she suddenly went to her room and took the wedding favors she kept from my wedding, which was a coffee bag with a customized package of an illustrated portrait of my husband and I drew by a French artist, and another wedding invitation of her friend, which also had an illustrated portrait on it which I believe was drawn by a Chinese artist because I have seen it on Taobao (a chinese version ebay/etsy). Then she showed us both our wedding favour and that invitation of her friend's and said, "Look, both are illustrated portrait but why is yours so ugly and my friend's so realistic and beautiful."

Another awkward silence and embarrassed laughters... I was like WTF? Do you really have to do this? You can keep it to yourself if you think mine is ugly, do you really have to tell it to my face and in front of everybody and make comparison to someone else's illustration? What do you or can you get from it? I personally wasn't very satisfied with the illustrated portrait on my wedding favor because it was too unrealistic that you cannot tell it was me and my husband, it looked nothing like us. But it was that French artist's painting style, and actually I had already asked the artist to fine tune it once, and I didn't want to ask for the second time because I respected her artistic style. And it was way more expensive than the ones you can get from Taobao. I think you can dislike it but you don't have to say it to my face that it is ugly. What is your intention and what can you get from demeaning someone?

Then later when we were out for dinner in a very nice restaurant, and as most nice restaurant does, the light was very dim with a few spotlights on top of each table, and my husband happened to be sitting right below a spotlight and the light and shadow made his fishtail lines rather obvious when he smiled. And actually he has these fishtail lines even when he was 20 and they are not neccessarily a sign of aging, at least not his case, and the lines don't really make him look old to be frank. But then while we were all eating and chatting, she suddenly interrupted and said to my husband, "Wow, what's wrong with you with all these fishtail lines?! How come you have so many? Look, my husband is the same age as you and he doesn't have so many lines. "

Another awkward silence ensued, even her husband was embarrassed I could see on his face, like he was saying, "could you shut the fxxk up?" in his head. And I was nice enough to just laugh it off and joked that my husband was born with those fishtail lines, and my husand was also a nice person enough that he didn't even mind or remember what she said by the end of the night. But I can tell you that she said it like she felt totally disgusted. But come on we are in our 30s who doesn't have lines and wrinkles? If you are sitting under that spotlight I am sure you would look like a wicked old witch too, but the difference would be as friends no one would say it to your face that you are old and ugly. It's not about being honest or what, it's just respect and politeness. And why do you have to compare my husband with yours? (it's not the first time, she has been saying that her husband is more handsome than mine, and one of the proof was from horoscope/fortune-telling, that she once said to me from her readings it said she has a very handsome husband while I don't... well...)

I really have put up with the unnecessarily rude and insulting things she says and the comments she makes for a very long time. I try to tell myself and also forgive her that it's just her having no filter in her mouth. But I think for every and any thing you say, especially those things that you say repeatly for years, you do have a motive or intention rather than just a slip of the tongue or mindless comments.

Most of the time I don't talk back and I tolerate is because I don't want to say what's in my mind and hurt her feelings. But now I wonder if I should just do to her what she's been doing on me and let her know how it feels like to have someone constantly talking trash and making false comments on you. 

[healing light]

This woman sounds very passive aggressive and not like a true friend. Like she is jealous and has an axe to grind. Life is too short for "friends" like these. If you spend hours after each interaction ruminating on the things she says, it's not worth it.

If you really want to keep the friendship, I think you need to start confronting her in the moment like... "Excuse me? Or, can you repeat that? Maybe I didn't hear you correctly because it sounded like you just said something quite rude." Often times people aren't brazen enough to repeat off color statements twice.  You could try some form of when you say X, I feel Y. People can't argue with how you feel: "When you say that about my career, it makes me feel like my hard work has been minimized." Or be super direct with, "Why do you feel the need to put my husband down?" "That statement felt disrespectful, was that your intention?" etc.

She says these things in part because people are awkwardly laughing it off and she doesn't have to take accountability for them. A lot of times people can dish it, but you'd be surprised how they tap dance or back down when called on it directly. I don't think she sounds worth the trouble from what you've described, though. 

[FMW]

She sounds like a petty, rude jerk.  She certainly doesn't sound like a friend.  

I'm assuming she has a lot of redeeming qualities that make you want to continue spending time with her.  But honestly I'm thinking I would just remove her from my life, or at the very least limit my time around her.  If you have to explain to someone that they are being rude, petty and hurtful, they probably just aren't going to get it in the first place.  I'm not sure I would waste my breath.

I agree with healing light though - if you want to confront her, do it immediately upon her saying these rude things.  In the example of what she said to your husband about fishtails, or the "ugly" wedding memento, you can simply say "that was rude".  As for you missing her wedding, I would say something like "I've explained what happened, many times."   You don't have to have a lengthy or complicated response to her rudeness - but have an immediate and clear response.  She'll probably act as if YOU are the one being rude, but don't back down.

[Acacia98]

50 minutes ago, CaraGrace said:

But now I wonder if I should just do to her what she's been doing on me and let her know how it feels like to have someone constantly talking trash and making false comments on you. 

CaraGrace, she's not your friend.

Perhaps you were once close friends, but things soured between you somewhere along the way (maybe the fact that you didn't make it to her wedding hurt her deeply and she's never been able to forgive you). Or perhaps she's always been passive aggressive towards you but just didn't notice. I can't tell. But I do know this: the kind of relationship you two now have is not a friendship. It's an adversarial relationship. She resents you, and she wants to hurt your feelings, so she keeps taking passive aggressive jabs at you. And if she has been doing it for a while, I guess it's time to accept that this is your "normal" now.

If you're tired of having these kinds of interactions with her, you do have an option other than "revenge." You can simply disengage. Treat her like an acquaintance. Don't be rude. Just stop going out of your way to socialize with her. If you happen to be together at another friend's place, be polite. If she says something rude, just shrug and move on. Stop inviting her to your home. Decline politely if she invites you to hers. Stop confiding in her. 

Your friendship died. It's time to let go. That doesn't necessarily mean it was never an important friendship to you both. It may just mean you both outgrew it. And now it's time to let each other go and be at peace with that.

[CaraGrace]

On 7/15/2020 at 5:22 PM, healing light said:

This woman sounds very passive aggressive and not like a true friend. Like she is jealous and has an axe to grind. Life is too short for "friends" like these. If you spend hours after each interaction ruminating on the things she says, it's not worth it.

If you really want to keep the friendship, I think you need to start confronting her in the moment like... "Excuse me? Or, can you repeat that? Maybe I didn't hear you correctly because it sounded like you just said something quite rude." Often times people aren't brazen enough to repeat off color statements twice.  You could try some form of when you say X, I feel Y. People can't argue with how you feel: "When you say that about my career, it makes me feel like my hard work has been minimized." Or be super direct with, "Why do you feel the need to put my husband down?" "That statement felt disrespectful, was that your intention?" etc.

She says these things in part because people are awkwardly laughing it off and she doesn't have to take accountability for them. A lot of times people can dish it, but you'd be surprised how they tap dance or back down when called on it directly. I don't think she sounds worth the trouble from what you've described, though. 

You are right, I probably should tell her how I feel straight. I think she has been intentionally putting me down for what I get in life that she doesn't have, like she doesn't think I deserve what I get. Like she always starts a sentence with, "It's so lucky of you to have..." like whatever I get it's due to luck. I may not be able to stop her thinking this way, but at least I can stop her from repeatedly making the same comments and being so rude...

[CaraGrace]

On 7/15/2020 at 5:43 PM, FMW said:

She sounds like a petty, rude jerk.  She certainly doesn't sound like a friend.  

I'm assuming she has a lot of redeeming qualities that make you want to continue spending time with her.  But honestly I'm thinking I would just remove her from my life, or at the very least limit my time around her.  If you have to explain to someone that they are being rude, petty and hurtful, they probably just aren't going to get it in the first place.  I'm not sure I would waste my breath.

I agree with healing light though - if you want to confront her, do it immediately upon her saying these rude things.  In the example of what she said to your husband about fishtails, or the "ugly" wedding memento, you can simply say "that was rude".  As for you missing her wedding, I would say something like "I've explained what happened, many times."   You don't have to have a lengthy or complicated response to her rudeness - but have an immediate and clear response.  She'll probably act as if YOU are the one being rude, but don't back down.

Thanks, I would try that next time. I think I have been tolerating her for so long just because I am a considerate person and I think about how my words would make people feel before I say them. But that only fuel her passive aggressiveness thinking this trick works and that she can put me down while pretending to be the nice girl, always talking in a sweet and soft voice (and flirtatious voice in front of guys). 

[CaraGrace]

On 7/15/2020 at 6:04 PM, Acacia98 said:

CaraGrace, she's not your friend.

Perhaps you were once close friends, but things soured between you somewhere along the way (maybe the fact that you didn't make it to her wedding hurt her deeply and she's never been able to forgive you). Or perhaps she's always been passive aggressive towards you but just didn't notice. I can't tell. But I do know this: the kind of relationship you two now have is not a friendship. It's an adversarial relationship. She resents you, and she wants to hurt your feelings, so she keeps taking passive aggressive jabs at you. And if she has been doing it for a while, I guess it's time to accept that this is your "normal" now.

If you're tired of having these kinds of interactions with her, you do have an option other than "revenge." You can simply disengage. Treat her like an acquaintance. Don't be rude. Just stop going out of your way to socialize with her. If you happen to be together at another friend's place, be polite. If she says something rude, just shrug and move on. Stop inviting her to your home. Decline politely if she invites you to hers. Stop confiding in her. 

Your friendship died. It's time to let go. That doesn't necessarily mean it was never an important friendship to you both. It may just mean you both outgrew it. And now it's time to let each other go and be at peace with that.

Actually while writing this thread I was thinking if all these started after I didn't attend her wedding. Indeed I am sure she's never been able to forgive me for not going to her wedding, but recalling past events, I think for a very long time she has liked to make comparisons with me and then trying to put me down on things that I was better than her, though not as frequent as now. Like while we were still at school, there were a few time she and M witnessed boys being attracted by me/asked me for number/asked me out when we were hanging out together. One day she went to ask the boys in our class which one of us they thought was more beautiful, and then she came to tell me that the boys didn't think I was pretty.

I still remember this now, not because I was hurt by what she said, but baffled by what she did - I think there was no need to involve other people to comment on our appearance, almost like doing a survey, just trying to prove your point that you thought I was not pretty, or that you're prettier. I never tried to make such comparison with any of my friends, like competing on every aspect to see who's better. But now I think maybe how I got boy's attractions has always been hurting her feelings, because every time it was like the boys came straight to me and talked to me as if they didn't see her. But I have always tried to tune things down - I never let the guys interrupt us for too long and I never brought up these stories again like they never happened. I didn't intentionally hurt her feelings but she did in return. 

[JTSW]

Dont give her the time of day anymore.

Don't even waste your time voicing your feelings to her. She doesn't care.

Just block her number and all social media so she has no way to contact you. 

A true friend would never treat you like that.

[Bluesky00]

sounds like she’s jealous. She probably thinks your lazy and have to rely on your husband for money. Just block her and disappear

[CaraGrace]

On 7/27/2020 at 11:10 PM, JTSW said:

Dont give her the time of day anymore.

Don't even waste your time voicing your feelings to her. She doesn't care.

Just block her number and all social media so she has no way to contact you. 

A true friend would never treat you like that.

I have not been talking to her for a while now. And due to coronavirus and social distancing, we haven't been meeting up for months. But something happened today that made me very angry and really don't know how to communicate with her anymore.

So I sent out a video in our group chat, which was about a girl who said she was nearly kidnapped in a 5-star hotel when she travelled alone in Paris. I sent that out just to let my girl friends know that something this horrible can happen, and be alert when travelling. But I was also doubtful about the story since some details didn't quite make sense and so I tried to search which hotel it was, since that girl refused to name the hotel. I've been to Paris and so I wonder if there really is a hotel, if located in the CBD, can be bad enough to have such bad management and security that the whole team of hotel staff can be bribed to assist the kidnappers, as claimed by the girl. Then I found out that the girl wrote in an article that she stayed in a hotel in the 13th district, and what immediately came to my mind was when I went to Paris I was adviced by many friends to stay as close to the 1st district as possible because the crime rate is higher the further districts you go. So I shared my finding and advice in the group, and she replied immediately saying I'm "BLAMING THE VICTIM"!

I felt furious since as a woman who has experienced harrassments quite a lot, I know how it feels when you're catcalled, followed or harrassed by men, the first thing people asked you was what clothes you were wearing when the incident happened. I told her about my experiences before and I told her people asking such questions were victim-blaming. Then now, she accused me of victim blaming, like implying I have a double standard, when all I said was just the fact that it's safer to stay in the inner city when travelling alone? Well she has never travelled alone nor to Paris, and I was just sharing my experience and advice I got when I was travelling there. And I never said that girl deserved to be almost kidnapped because she stayed in the 13th district. It's always the criminals who are to blamed. And even that girl herself has written in the same article that in cities like London, she never goes beyond the 2nd district for safety sake, saying it's common sense. So all I said was the fact that one should research about a place before travelling there, especially alone, and that I also have a little doubt about the authenticity of the girl's story due to some contradicting details. But still bad things like that can happen and so we should know about what we should do to protect ourselves, and that's why I was sharing this girl's story to all my girl friends in the group chat.

I immediately replied that I disagreed with her accusation, but if she thought this was victim blaming, I had nothing to say and I found it meaningless to argue with her. She stopped digging on that but said, "So as I said before, no other cities in the whole world is as safe as Hong Kong (where we live)." I know she said that just because I had recently wrote on FB that I found it interesting that some people who say they want to immigrate to other countries, under the current political situation of HK, would have the luxury to complain about the lower salary, lower social status, less convenient way of life etc. in other countries when compared to HK. She obviously is one of these people, because she has been telling me that she wanted to move to Canada but since she has such a good job, good income and good life here in HK, moving to another country would be a downgrade in many aspects, since she is probably not going to get the same kind of job, title in Canada, or she may even have to do "labour jobs" such as cashier or waitress to get by (she does a lot of humble bragging as well as actual bragging). I told her that if you want to move it's only because you believe and you will have a better life elsewhere, and if you don't think this way, you shouldn't be planning to move at all. Why do it and complain about it? And living in other countries isn't such an inferior or difficult thing as she described. She thinks this way just because she hasn't travelled enough and hasn't really stayed in another countries for a long period. It's all about adaptation and blending in and respect other people's culture. But she has always been disagreeing with my points, even though I'm saying from my past experience of living and travelling alone in another country for a year, and she also insists that HK is the best place to live in (even though she is the only one among us who plans to leave).

So today when I shrugged off her accusation of me blaming the victim, she immediately made such comment about HK being the safest (the best) city in the world, because she knows I don't think this way. And I just replied her, "Oh really? (rolling on the floor laughing emoji)", and dismissed the topic because I also found it meaningless to discuss this with her anymore. I mean, come on, if it's the safest city in the world than why are you the first one who plans to flee? 

I didn't try to start a conversation with her, I was just sharing a video to all my friends in a group, but she didn't let go of every single chance to attack me. 

Edited July 31, 2020 by CaraGrace
Wrong words

[JTSW]

Is there any way of removing her from the group? 

She's just a nasty piece of work.