Not feeling great about being the OW

[AngelLove]

when I met MM he told me that he still lives with the mother of his kids but they're not really together and are trying to find ways to split without effecting the kids. I know i should've have walked away and not involved or tell him to contact me once he moved out  I was at a dark place in my life and desperate for male attention and part if me wanted to believe that he was telling the truth. I know it wasn't wise 

Now it's been more than a year and ofcourse he still lives at home and seem to only interested in hooking up. I never see him outside his work hours. I tried breaking it off by telling him that i want more than he can provide and he said he understands but he can't give me that right now. Then he started contacting me telling me he misses me so i thought he was actually going to move out so qe started talking again. But things went back the way there were. Now I just don't feel good about myself knowing that I'm the OW. It's been bothering lately.

I know i have to end it once of and all. My question is are there other women who feel good about being the OW? 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, AngelLove said:

I tried breaking it off by telling him that i want more than he can provide and he said he understands but he can't give me that right now.

Respectfully, that’s not his decision. It’s yours. 

If you decide this relationship is not meeting your needs, and that’s a reasonable decision to make, He needs to respect your decision and leave you alone. The fact that he didn’t do that would be a big problem for me. I would have no problem blocking this man any and every way I could.

[Realitysux]

1 hour ago, AngelLove said:

when I met MM he told me that he still lives with the mother of his kids but they're not really together and are trying to find ways to split without effecting the kids. I know i should've have walked away and not involved or tell him to contact me once he moved out  I was at a dark place in my life and desperate for male attention and part if me wanted to believe that he was telling the truth. I know it wasn't wise 

Now it's been more than a year and ofcourse he still lives at home and seem to only interested in hooking up. I never see him outside his work hours. I tried breaking it off by telling him that i want more than he can provide and he said he understands but he can't give me that right now. Then he started contacting me telling me he misses me so i thought he was actually going to move out so qe started talking again. But things went back the way there were. Now I just don't feel good about myself knowing that I'm the OW. It's been bothering lately.

I know i have to end it once of and all. My question is are there other women who feel good about being the OW? 

Never knew anyone who viewed themselves as an ow. They accepted a relationship with a married man because the relationship offered something but in my experience it doesn't end well for the one who catches feelings. I've never been an ow but I have been around men who have affairs. They don't catch feelings unless they have no feelings for their wife. 

[Realitysux]

You women are aware that sex and emotional attachment are different. Sex doesn't mean any attachments just because they enjoy affectionate affairs. 

[Subversa]

If the relationship offers less than would accept then it’s time to get out. You can made your demands and yet he still wants to keep things the way they are. You deserve to be someone’s first priority. 

[Realitysux]

43 minutes ago, Subversa said:

If the relationship offers less than would accept then it’s time to get out. You can made your demands and yet he still wants to keep things the way they are. You deserve to be someone’s first priority. 

You are never going to find that from a married man. I work with these men and they flat out say "don't get divorced, cheat". They are never going to give you what you are seeking unless you can handle yourself in an affair without catching feelings for them. 

[pepperbird]

Think of it this way...
If you're an honest person at heart, this will eat away at you- you will never really feel good in a relationship that has dishonesty as one of its foundations.
 

If you clear away all the static, what does your inner voice tell you is the right thing to do? Should you stay and continue feeling bad, or should you kick him to the curb, hard as that may be, so you can move on?

What do you think is the right choice for you?Look deep down- you already know hat it is- you just have to trust and listen to yourself.

[Nats_16]

Don’t walk but run away. He is being honest when he says he cannot give you what you want, don’t hang around hoping that by sleeping with him you will change his mind. Find someone who is not attached, you deserve to be someone’s number one. 

[Marianon]

I have been and still am the other woman and my advice is to make the decision to end it and stick to it. I'm not proud of what i am doing but it is exciting, fun and very rewarding. That's the attraction. So if these things aren't there and he only uses you for hook up's why are you still seeing him?  In the hope that he will leave some day? Do you feel like that will happen, realistically? 

Edited July 15, 2020 by Marianon
Grammar

[DKT3]

24 minutes ago, Marianon said:

I have been and still am the other woman and my advice is to make the decision to end it and stick to it. I'm not proud of what i am doing but it is exciting, fun and very rewarding. That's the attraction. So if these things aren't there and he only uses you for hook up's why are you still seeing him?  In the hope that he will leave some day? Do you feel like that will happen, realistically? 

Other woman or married other woman? You sound married.  If so there is a huge difference. 

[Marianon]

I met him when i was married and he is still married whereas i no longer am. 

[Marianon]

1 hour ago, DKT3 said:

Other woman or married other woman? You sound married.  If so there is a huge difference. 

Sorry. I didnt post to the thread. I am no longer married but there is a very strong sexual, kinky connection that neither of us have ever found elsewhere. That keeps it fun. I'm not judging AngelLove for sticking with the relationship. Im just saying that once your needs stop being met, what is the need to continue?. I have no doubt that he misses you when you aren't able to see each other but that still doesn't change the fact that needs aren't being met. You are a single woman and he should be doing everything to keep you interested. Not the other way about. The affair i am having isn't the first one.  Shocking woman that i am! I've been in AngelLove's position before so i know how she is feeling. You asked if any OW feel good about it. I feel happy in this 'relationship' but not in the last because my needs weren't being met. 

[DKT3]

@Marianonas a married woman you should have has no expectations from a married man.  So this ideal that your needs were not met is sophomoric and kinda immature.  

My point is, she met what she believed was a single man and being a single woman, saw something that she could build a future with.  Secondly,  as a married woman you had a relationship already and for all intent were getting "extra" from the affair. 

Lastly,  it's not about getting her needs met or not, the dude is already in a relationship and most likely never leaving it. Needs met or not it's a horrible bet, not to mention why start something with someone you know is most likely going to cheat? 

[Ruby Slippers]

Just walk away. Give yourself time to heal and then start dating. You can find single men on dating sites, maybe not your ideal man, but certainly a man with whom you can build a more meaningful bond than this. 

[assertives]

17 hours ago, AngelLove said:

Then he started contacting me telling me he misses me so i thought he was actually going to move out

I think your mistake lies in thinking he feels the same as you do, that just because he says he misses you, that it means he was going to move out and get a divorce. No. That's alot of assumptions to make about his future actions just based on him re-establishing contact. Don't engage any further. If you want an authentic proper relationship where you can actually build something meaningful with, you need to let this MM go and start dating someone who is actually available to commit to you. Don't waste your life on someone else's cheating husband.

[Marianon]

7 hours ago, DKT3 said:

@Marianonas a married woman you should have has no expectations from a married man.  So this ideal that your needs were not met is sophomoric and kinda immature.  

My point is, she met what she believed was a single man and being a single woman, saw something that she could build a future with.  Secondly,  as a married woman you had a relationship already and for all intent were getting "extra" from the affair. 

Lastly,  it's not about getting her needs met or not, the dude is already in a relationship and most likely never leaving it. Needs met or not it's a horrible bet, not to mention why start something with someone you know is most likely going to cheat? 

Ok, so i see your point (simply because you don't have any clue about my situation) although i think judgemental words like immature and sophormoric weaken your argument because you are making a judgement on something without knowing the details. Everyone has the right to feel how they do. I do feel it is about need though. The first guy i had an affair with was to satisfy a need. I was extremely lonely and had gone through an extremely difficult time. My ex husband at the time was completely unavailable.  My emotional needs were met elsewhere. However, i am now single and not ready to settle again but im human and i have sexual desires and urges. The guy i am currently seeing, satisfies those urges without me having to have lots of casual sex.  If our sexual encounters became fewer or stopped, my needs would no longer be met and the relationship is pointless. This is what I'm saying to AngelLove. At the start there was a goal or an objective and I'm assuming she felt somewhat  content because she believed there was a chance of him leaving his wife. That isn't the case and she now feels he only wants hook up's on his terms. Whatever she enjoyed in the affair, is now gone but the emotional need is still there. She needs more! 

AngelLove asked if other people feel happy about being the OW not if her relationship with this guy will work. I'm just saying that if the needs aren't heing met, she won't ever feel good about it.

Edited July 16, 2020 by Marianon
.

[pepperbird]

op,

Like I said, listen and trust your inner voice. Clear away all the static- what does it tell you?
If you feel like you can;t hear/ trust that voice any more, that's not good. To me, it would mean you've lost that somewhere along the way. It could be that, instead of looking for someone else to make you feel whole, you need to feel that way first, just on your own.

[mark clemson]

On 7/15/2020 at 6:23 AM, AngelLove said:

Now it's been more than a year and of course he still lives at home and seem to only interested in hooking up. I never see him outside his work hours. ...

I know i have to end it once of and all.

Think what you yourself wrote probably tells you most of what you need to know about the situation.

 

On 7/15/2020 at 6:23 AM, AngelLove said:

My question is are there other women who feel good about being the OW? 

I believe there are indeed some women happy with an OW situation LT, although I suspect for most of them it's initially happiness (or at least "excitement") but then goes downhill in the LT as it becomes clear that he won't leave the marriage for them, etc.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 7/15/2020 at 3:23 PM, AngelLove said:

I know i have to end it once of and all. My question is are there other women who feel good about being the OW? 

I have an acquaintance who seems to relish the role. 

She loves thinking she's "won" her MM's attention every time he calls, texts or meets her. She appears to get off on the idea that she is somehow more appealing than his wife, that's she's this alluring temptress or some such thing. There is no convincing her otherwise. 

Yeah. There's a reason I'm not friends with her. 

Edited July 17, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She appears to get off on the idea that she is somehow more appealing than his wife, that's she's this alluring temptress or some such thing. There is no convincing her otherwise. 

Yeah, I've known women like this too who had that attitude until years and years went by and they realized their best years were behind them and wasted on someone else's husband.  By that time the MM has moved on.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Yeah, I've known women like this too who had that attitude until years and years went by and they realized their best years were behind them and wasted on someone else's husband.  By that time the MM has moved on.

Yes, I've known a couple as well. 

As for this specific woman I'm referring to, she's only 25. Her MM is much older, and I have a feeling she wouldn't be all that into him if he weren't unattainable. She seems to want what she can't have; it becomes an ego competition for her. I have a feeling she will bounce before he does. The whole situation boggles the mind. 

[stillafool]

On 7/15/2020 at 11:16 AM, Realitysux said:

They don't catch feelings unless they have no feelings for their wife. 

Yeah and usually they go through an infatuation period at the beginning because of sex with someone new, but after a while the fog starts clearing and they still want the sex but not enough to give up their wife.

[stillafool]

On 7/15/2020 at 8:12 PM, Marianon said:

I am no longer married but there is a very strong sexual, kinky connection that neither of us have ever found elsewhere.

How long did you look for this connection with other men before just settling for a married man?

[Marianon]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

How long did you look for this connection with other men before just settling for a married man?

I only found the kinky side when i met him. I have been searching for someone else for 2 full years, he knows that but i honestly can't find anyone who thinks in the same way as he/we do. 

[Marianon]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

It’s possible he’s just mirroring your wants/needs. 
 

most MM are so desperate to keep the OW they do and tell them anything they think she needs to hear/see.

You know what, i agree. That is the way of it for many (including me before). However, i don't believe that to be the case with him, given he was always kinky. i only started to realise my kinky side when i met him. Like i said, i have been searching to find someone else who could satisfy me the way he does but right now, our relationship meets both our needs