Going through why it went wrong....

[JolliX]

So, I am in the process up setting up an appointment with a therapist so I can throw ideas and situations around with them to figure where I need to improve and how. Setting that up through my companies EAP program, and that takes a while, so I am here again to just say things out loud and see what feedback I get. 

To start things off, I was really into her, but we argued a lot (1-2 times per week, over stuff that I consider largely dumb stuff to argue about). The breakup happened on July 8th, she broke up with me. We had been dating since November 26th. Our first big argument (I think our first argument) was around the end of February, and the weekly arguing soon became a normal thing (by about 1 month later). We really enjoyed our time together/when not arguing, but the arguing took it out of both of us. These arguments would normally start by and take place over text, with only 2 that I can think of starting in person. We talked about this and tried to come up with ways to resolve it, but nothing appeared to work. I don't think I was ever the person that would initially become upset about anything over text, but I would become defensive (something I plan to work on) which would make the argument more intense. I would often times not understand why she would be upset, so would ask, and sometimes after she explained I would still not understand, which would make her feels worse. 

The one big moment I remember is we were talking over the phone about an argument (we were in the middle of resolving the argument), and she said "I always do this. It's not your fault, it's something I always do." but she could not explain what it was at that moment due to being upset. I asked her if she had ever considered seeing a therapist to talk about things, and she broke completely down, crying like I had (and never did again) never heard her cry before. She then became angry yelling something along the lines (not 100% sure on the wording on this), "You think there is something wrong with me?!". I tried to calm her and after a few minutes she calmed down. I tried to explained that I was accusing her of anything or saying something was wrong, but that I thought her talking to someone unbiased and not involved in the situation could be helpful. I even told her that I have seen therapists in the past, which I have, and that it helped me in several ways. They talked about how they were a waste of time and just wanted money, so I dropped the suggestion.

Arguments continued through the months on a weekly basis, but our communication was improving. We would talk about what was bothering us, and I tried my best to not blame her and I think most of the time she did the same, especially when it was something that we ourselves were doing wrong. Eventually, a couple of weeks before the breakup we have a big talk (I was actually expecting it to be a breakup conversation with her breaking up with me). She talks about what the thing is that she always does (and she hinted about it some before and I mostly picked up on it), and it is that she "likes to spend ~85% of her time with her significant other". I'm not too surprised by this, as one thing that always seemed to upset her was when I made plans with others. 

Now to quickly sidestep into how I would make plans, I would normally ask her if she had anything planned for the week and follow-up with if she wanted to make plans with me. This approach upset her, but she wasn't immediately forward about it. Eventually when she explained, she stated that she doesn't really do anything, so is almost always free outside of work, and that she just assumes that if I'm free we would spend time together so didn't understand why I would ask and want to plan. I explained to her that I like to plan because sometimes I do things like play games with friends, etc. The other way would be if I was doing something that had a set date, I would let her know as soon as possible. For example my father is adding onto his house and needs help with the physical aspects of is (he is doing the addition mostly himself and is getting old), so when he would ask for help, I would let her know that I would be going there for a Saturday to help. I never cancelled plans with her for this, I would let my father know when I was currently available and then I would let her know what I was doing. She still seemed upset about this, but would do the silent/quieter than normal treatment. I thought about bringing her, but really, I would work the entire day and wouldn't have time to spend with her and there wouldn't be much for her to do besides sit around. Maybe I should have asked her about that, but I never thought it would be a big deal.

Back to the arguing. As I said, they would happen weekly, we would both become defensive during them, but we never really were mean to each other, but were stubborn. I feel like my communication wasn't always right to the point, which I tried to improve because she liked right to the point, but when I would tell her about how I felt, she would often times respond poorly. If I told her that I felt she didn't respect me and would say what had happened that made me feel that way, she would become upset, and often times (maybe not always in this specific situation, but it would be used often during arguments) "You don't care how I feel." I would try to address that, apologize (and really I was sorry that she felt that way), and ask her to explain how she feels, but she would be angry and say it doesn't matter, I didn't care so there's no point in explaining now, etc. 

So that's the majority of the rant. Our arguments that I can remember:

I had a horrible day at work (and I was in the habit of not talking about work outside of work, bad habit, have been changing that already). I was meeting up with her and a friend of mine because were playing some competitive games, and I said I didn't want to play first. They asked why, I said bad day at work and I didn't want to "f***ing" talk about. I didn't yell or raise my voice when I said that, but I was angry. My friend took my response well and knew that it meant I needed a few minutes, she didn't take it well. After ~10 minutes I was fine, but I could tell she wasn't. She didn't want to talk about it until later that night, but she said that my response was terrible, and she was right. I acknowledged that she was right and apologized. This was all in person.

Part of our daily texting routine was me asking her odd and situational questions and she always answered and even said that she liked the questions. I was never impatient with when I received and answer, and these always seemed to go well. I sent her a question and stated that I was excited to be entertained by her answer (I didn't think anything of using the word entertained). She immediately became angry and said that she wasn't my entertainment. That argument went on for a while and was eventually resolved that night over the phone. The argument itself was by text.

I asked her what she was doing over the weekend and she said she was going to New York City (this was as COVID was starting to become a thing). I was pretty sure she was kidding and being sarcastic, but wasn't 100% sure because she was traveling some for work. I send back a joking message about it and says that it's a shame she will be away for the weekend. No response, so I send another message that is lighthearted about it, and she says, "I got it, don't be sarcastic or you'll make fun of me." I told her I wasn't making fun of her, but wasn't sure if she was serious and just being playful. Her response, "great, so you think I'm dumb." No idea where that came from, but another argument. All by text. 

 A group of us were going to go kayaking (2 of my friends, her two friends; a couple that are her only friends, and the two of us). It was raining some, so her friends cancel, but mine still wanted to go. I had set it all up and talked it up to my friends all week, so I didn't want to bail on them. I asked if she still wanted to go, but let her know that I was still going to go because my friends were expecting me. She became upset and again said, "You don't care how I feel." I talk with her about I don't understand why she thinks that, because I understood that her friend canceling bothered her, that she had been looking forward to seeing her friend, and that I asked if she still wanted to go because I didn't want her to feel obligated. She said I didn't even care if she went, and no matter how much I explained that I did still want her to go, she was upset. She calmed down, but didn't go. In Person.

There were tons of other arguments by text, where she would become upset over something. In the end, I was the one that messed up. She was angry that I would snack throughout the day (3 months ago I was out of shape and my blood pressure was high, but I was no where near obese or maybe only slightly overweight). Over the last 9 weeks I had been exercising more and eating better (this includes the snacks I would have which where peanuts, yogurt, sometimes a small piece of candy, and had lost some weight even. I felt that despite this she would be upset if I snacked, so I snacked when I thought she was unaware. Why I thought I needed to hide it, why hiding it was a good idea, and why I didn't just talk with her about it, I have no idea. But I felt very sure she would be upset and it would lead to an argument. A couple days later she asked it I had been snacking behind her back, and I said that I have. I also told her that I would sometimes do some exercising when she left the room (to go the bathroom, etc.) because I get restless and didn't want to do those things when she was around because it makes me feel weird (told her this to make sure the air was clear). She became very upset and for the first time didn't talk with me for a day. The next conversation was the breakup conversation. She said that since I hid the snacking she couldn't trust me anymore. She admitted that she has trust issues, but to be sure I asked her if she felt there was anything else that she felt I had lied about/hid from her. She said no, but that she felt I was full of s*** about filling out job applications each week (I'm not fulfilled with my job, so put in apps often, I am picky though because my job pays alright and has great hours and benefits, so I haven't found anything I think is worth taking; I had tried to explain this to her). She goes off about how she doesn't believe me because if I was putting in apps I should have found something else by now. So all-in-all, she didn't believe the efforts I was putting it to find a new job (I am changing my approach to that, because I now realize just apps isn't working), and I hid snacking/insignificant exercising from her, and she no longer trusted me. 

I was wrong, the rant wasn't over. But it is getting close now. 

So we are broken up now, it sucks, but I deep down know it wasn't going to work so her breaking up for me was the right decision. Currently I am dealing with getting past the potential the relationship could have had, though really it had none because she didn't want to work to improve her issues (the trust issues, codependency, etc.). In addition to this, I miss the companionship and the sex (the sex was very good), so those make things worse. I am currently working out plans to improve my professional life, as I feel that is where I am lacking, but am also working towards improving myself as a person. 

Thoughts? Feedback? Thank you. And sorry, I didn't proofread this before submitting, so it may have some spots that are jumbled.  

[Realitysux]

Guy sounds like a jerk 

[JolliX]

3 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

Guy sounds like a jerk 

So me? Can you explain that that to me more so I can understand it and address anything that I need to address. Thank you.  

[Realitysux]

You don't need to change or work on something for a man who left you. You aren't responsible to fix what someone else broke. You need to accept yourself because in the next relationship, the man may have communication with you that you don't need to react negativity too. You accept who you are and be proud of it, the guy can go find someone else. You are going to find better 

Edited July 15, 2020 by Realitysux

[Realitysux]

Moving on will hurt anyone but you accept it and take as much time as you need! Don't change yourself or better yourself because of what a man said to you. He can go find someone else and you be glad he's gone! 

[JolliX]

Just to clarify, she was a woman (I am a man). But I get what you are saying. The things I want to improve are for me, not for her. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Good grief, this woman sounds utterly exhausting.  

When someone is that combative and demanding, well, nothing you say or do is going to be enough. They will look for reasons to be upset because they can't come to terms with the fact that they need to address something inside themselves. I find that people like her are generally miserable, but don't know how to get themselves to a happier place so they blame everyone else. Their unhappiness therefore becomes your problem to "fix." 

Only it doesn't actually work that way. Let her stay gone, OP. She isn't mature enough for a relationship. I don't doubt that you both contributed to the unhealthy dynamic between you, but it was never going to work. Arguing weekly and walking on eggshells so she doesn't explode at you for sneaking some peanuts and yogurt is your sign that this was toxic and needed to end. Perhaps there are bigger underlying problems with her, in terms of mood and emotional regulation. Perhaps she's just pissed off with the world and projecting. The fact that she has barely any friends and no real life of her own says a lot. Whatever the case, though, you are going to better off without this unhappy and dysfunctional relationship. 

Next time, you need to walk away when there is this degree of constant turmoil. It was your clue that you two are not at all compatible. 

[JolliX]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Next time, you need to walk away when there is this degree of constant turmoil. It was your clue that you two are not at all compatible. 

I am really bad at ending a relationship when I know it isn't working and have already tried to make it work. Something I need to improve. I get stuck with the idea of the potential it could have should things go well. 

Edited July 15, 2020 by JolliX

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, JolliX said:

I am really bad at ending a relationship when I know it isn't working and have already tried to make it work. Something I need to improve. I get stuck with the idea of the potential it could have should things go well. 

Yes, that's an important lesson - see people for who they are, not who you want them to be. 

[Realitysux]

2 minutes ago, JolliX said:

I am really bad at ending a relationship when I know it isn't working and have already tried to make it work. Something I need to improve. I get stuck with the idea of the potential it could have should things go well. 

What if? You get stuck on what if? You never know what the other person is thinking but if you wanted to fix things for yourself, you wouldn't need to ask others what they are. 

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, JolliX said:

I am really bad at ending a relationship when I know it isn't working and have already tried to make it work. Something I need to improve. I get stuck with the idea of the potential it could have should things go well. 

When you start valuing yourself more than a relationship you will be able to let go of men who treat you badly.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, JolliX said:

I am really bad at ending a relationship when I know it isn't working and have already tried to make it work. Something I need to improve. I get stuck with the idea of the potential it could have should things go well. 

This is your problem 

Your whole relationship was her soured because even after she told you that she was a problem child & always does this -- meaning picks fights -- you hung in there thinking things would get better. 

When people show & tell you who there are, believe them.  You will save yourself a great deal of stress

[notbroken]

She's not the one.  WAY too much work/arguing.  Move on with your head held high. 

 

[spiderowl]

It really sounds as if she needed a lot of attention and was mistrustful of you.  This is not a good start to any relationship.  There are bound to be misunderstandings.

You do miss certain things, yes, but that is not a good reason to get back with someone who you were arguing with so frequently.  This relationship was not really working.

[JolliX]

On 7/17/2020 at 9:43 PM, spiderowl said:

It really sounds as if she needed a lot of attention and was mistrustful of you.  This is not a good start to any relationship.  There are bound to be misunderstandings.

You do miss certain things, yes, but that is not a good reason to get back with someone who you were arguing with so frequently.  This relationship was not really working.

It really wasn't working. The first time trust came up I was over at her place. We both gamed so I brought over my laptop because the plan was to find a game that we would play together. She worked from home and was still working when I got there, so I kicked up my laptop and was chatting with friends on FB messenger (me and my close friends, all guys, not that that really matters in the grand scheme of things) talk in that channel every day, and playing a game. She finished up with work and came over to where I was sitting and sat down, so I closed my laptop and pushed it away, not wanting to be rude. She instantly got angry and accused me of hiding something. I told her what I had been doing and even offered to show her but she said it didn't matter because closing my laptop when she came up was "messed up". I let her know that if I knew it bothered her I wouldn't have closed it, but that I didn't want to be rude and thought that closing it and putting it away made more sense as it was showing her I was giving her my attention. She stayed mad and an argument happened. That's how the arguments normally happened, her getting mad and not wanting to just talk or listen to the why and then moving on. 

There were constant and I had several times that I realized it was stressing me out and was too much and things were pretty bad in that regard, but I kept hoping things would change. Hell of a lesson learned. We aren't getting back together. I have no contact with her and know that it wasn't going to work.