Girlfriend of 10 months arguing

[bmne90]

I previously posted about my girlfriend and I last year: 

 

Back then, some of the replies were about me being insecure and needy and wanting to be together all the time. That part changed, as we’re now living separately while waiting for this pandemic to end before moving in together at the end of the year.

So after a few months, things seemed to be a lot better. Obviously, arguments still occur here and there, but things have been pretty stable for the most part. When things are going well, we imagine a future together with kids and the kind of house we wanna live in.

One time she even lent me money to buy a new camera on my quest to be a YouTuber. She’ll even go as far as to share her father with me as someone who I can refer to as a father-figure (since I don’t have a dad). I’m good with her family, and she’ll invite me over to stay for holidays and other occasions. Up until now, our futures have been set, we’ve decided to move to another state, and pretty much just waiting until this pandemic is over before we move in together.

Recently, she’s been preparing for a test to land a job as a nurse. She often says she’s stressed beyond words and she’s anxious and nervous about the upcoming test. Since I cannot help much in this area, the best I can do is be supportive for her and help her stay on top of her work. However, we’ve been fighting non-stop everyday, and the topics range from her not texting back in a timely manner, me unconsciously asking a same question twice, or going home too late after a night out with some friends. One time, she even scolded me for only eating a certain type of food at her place. Anything you can think of, we’ve fought over. 

She’ll nitpick at the smallest things and lash out and turn into this other person. I can tolerate this kind of behavior to a certain degree, since I understand she’s going through a rough time with her test and all, but anybody with an emotion can only withstand so much. Just the other day, she went off on me at the library and stormed home and texted me to never contact her again. She’s like “so we’re broken up right?” This is the first time in the 10 months that we’ve been together that she’s ever brought up those words to me, so it came  as a shocker. We’ve had countless fights (most pointless), never has she ever uttered those words. We then talked on the phone, and after 4 hours, she felt sorry and bad and invited me over to stay at her family’s place for the weekend. ??? She then apologized and said she didn’t really wanna break up, and that I’m the first and only person in the world that she loves this much. And that she cannot imagine spending the rest of her life with anybody else. 

So my question is, who’s at fault, what’s going on, and what happens now? 

Edited July 15, 2020 by bmne90

[d0nnivain]

You are partially at fault for not recognizing that she's stressed over this test. Under those circumstances it's absolutely ridiculous for you to complain that she doesn't text you back "in a timely manner."  Dude, anything short of 48 hours while she's studying is fine.  The summer I prepped for a licensing test -- you know that thing that was about to define the rest of my life that I had been prepping for my whole life -- I dropped off the planet to everybody including my own parents.   I ignored everybody & bit the head off anybody who dared interrupt my study time 2x; once was OK if you didn't know but more then that, I just wrote people off until the test was over.  

You are both at fault for thinking you can effectively communicate through text.  Never ever try to address sensitive matters through that medium.  Just don't.  If you use the voice feature, or better, a video feature, you will save yourself a great deal of heartaches & headaches.  

You both need to improve your communication but she doesn't have the time, energy or mental reserves to do that until this test is completed.  

In the short term as a show of good faith send her a study box: pens, pencils, some ink for her printer, highlighters, snacks, some caffeine, cheap flip flops or cozy socks, some peppermints (mint helps with concentration) & maybe a cute stuffed animal.  Then back off.  Let her come to you.  Do not pester her.  Do not engage in long text anything. . . one sentence like I love you or you can do it but no back & forth.  Try to get a commitment from her of a date per week on her schedule but don't press.  

Once the test is over, then you can talk about expectations & needs.  But right now you are temporality not #1 in her life.  the test has to be the priority.  

[schlumpy]

Your relationship is not balanced. You are deeper into the water then she is. I can tell because you are clinging to her nursing test excuse as the reason for her behavior.

My guess is that she wants to break up but feels you will devastated and doesn't know how to handle the guilt she will feel.

Right now it's not going to hurt you to change up. Set down some rules for the relationship to follow. Boundaries that you can live with. Things you will accept and things you won't accept.

If she starts a fight just walk away. Quit giving her reasons to build up resentment and anger so it's easier for her break up with you.

Start detaching yourself from her emotionally so that when the "talk" happens you won't be stunned into silence or overcome emotionally.

If her lag in texting annoys you then consider it a measure of her lack of interest and use that to bolster your own detachment. You do have better things to do then wait around for her text to show up, don't you?

 

[Pumaza]

doesnt look healthy. corona got people facing the reality of everything since they at home and got enough time to think and to get to know eachother.

breakup. it looks like she wanna place you alot in a position as helpless,and you seem to be playing the role while she gives you stuff.

you dont seem to be enjoying or into her either. and she doesnt seem to be also.

there may be 10 years there, but is it meaningful years of real freindship?!Or situations made it this way!?

Do what is best for you.forced relationships only stand in your way to grow.

[Wiseman2]

You need to give her room to breathe. Is "becoming a YouTuber", your hobby or how you plan to make a living? Don't hang around her family like a puppy who wants to be adopted.

[spiderowl]

I think she’s trying to break up with you it is going back and forth a lot on this. I can’t see this relationship improving if you are both arguing so much.

It would be best to withdraw from the relationship.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Arguing is fault of both parties, either communicate better and don't allow communication to break down or when it does break down, walk away.

[Warmer]

My gf picked petty fights with me first 1.6 years. I made the mistake of letting my emotions become involved as hers over petty things. Then I would be the bad guy for becoming frustrated and it was all about my "behaviour". It was like a minefield I did not know when I would step on the next bomb. I worked out nearly all our fights stemmed from her insecurity and I stopped doing that and basically decided to leave after one bad incident. Once she knew I would not put up with it she changed completely, no more crazy lashing out and I do not feel controlled or walking on eggshells.

Sounds like you are creating some problems out of your own insecurity if she does not text you back quick enough. She has a good reason if she is that busy and stressed it is not the time to be having arguments. My GF went through a stressfull time when her pet died you just gotta have their back even in the bad times. No point having there back when things are good its when thingsare bad that it counts. So give her time and try to understand she is stressed and of she takes it out on you now she may apologize later and respect you for being a rock for her. She will love you even more.