Affair with Coworker? Thoughts?

[ginamistros10]

Foreword:  Things are better now since COVID because of course we are working at home together and there is no ability to have "affair with coworker"- plus this woman left the company about a year ago......but these are things that transpired that are still on my mind, so here goes:

Husband worked in finance, and I own a business.  This was a fairly new job for my husband.  About 6 months into the new job, he began to act differently.  First, he was very conscientious of how he dressed, spent extra time on picking out clothes, extra grooming (including privates), etc.  Then the attitude began.  He began to treat me differently.  Found out that he had taken a one-on-one lunch with what he said was a lesbian coworker.  I asked him why he didn't tell me about it (we normally share info with the other like this).  He blew up and told me to get used to it.   Weird.

Things blew over and he wanted to start going to a new gym.  I thought it was odd because we share a gym that we already like and use.  He got angry at my questioning it and threatened divorce if I didn't "shape up" and stop questioning him.  I thought...hmmm...this sounds like a midlife crisis.   

Things blew over with that, and I started noticing that he was buddy-buddy with his female boss all of a sudden.  She got him a Christmas gift.   She would go to conferences and bring him back goodies from the conference.  This and that.  I didn't feel she was a threat because she didn't seem his type in the looks department.  Then his business travel started picking up and he would have to go out of town every 6 weeks or so for about 3-4 days at a time.  Most trips had previously been with multiple coworkers or just him and a male coworker.  Then, all of a sudden these trips started being just him and his female boss.  Now, the female boss normally handled upper level projects, etc.  I thought it was odd that she would be taking trips with a subordinate.  She didn't take trips with any other coworkers than my husband.  

One particular trip stood out.  I knew he was going with her in advance.  Like I said earlier, I didn't feel she was a threat, so I didn't worry.  On this particular trip, she left in advance and flew out earlier in the morning.  His flight left around 1pm to arrive in the midwest around 3pm.  I asked him why he needed to get out to the hotel so early.  He said it was to relax and go over the material he needed to prepare for the next day's meetings.  So, he left and told me and the kids goodbye (trip was to be 3 nights).  What happened was his plane was delayed for 4 hours.  Then, he got on another flight and the plane had issues, so it was diverted to another state.  He was texting me all of this as it was going on.  By the time he arrived in the midwest, it was midnight.  Originally, she was going to pick him up at the airport because they were staying at the same hotel.  However he told me he was just going to Uber to the hotel.  

The next day, he texted me when their conference ended for the day at 4:30pm.  He and the female boss were headed to dinner and then some sightseeing.  He told me that he might stay an extra day because she wanted to go to a tourist attraction with him in the city.  I thought (ok- that's weird).  I told him I really didn't care for him doing that with her- as I thought I don't really want my husband and another woman having fun in another state while I'm at home with the kids.  That seemed weird and out of place.  

During their dinner, he was texting me pics of their food.  It was a candlelit restaurant and they were served a 3 course meal with wine.  I also thought that was a bit much as well.  That night via phone, I expressed my extreme displeasure that he was carrying on with her like that (eating out at fancy restaurants, sightseeing, wanting to stay an extra day).  He then decided that he could actually come home early the next day because he was finished with his portion of the conference and she could handle the rest.  He did fly home the next day, and I was just perplexed by the whole thing and how he'd been acting lately.

I did some snooping thru his texts because the whole thing made me uneasy.  Here's what I found that looked odd.  Here goes:

The whole time his plane was being delayed/diverted/he was sitting in the airport, he was texting his female boss.  There were 102 texts back and forth between them.

Husband:          Still waiting on my plane to leave...will keep you posted.  I was able to book a flight thru Dallas to Austin.  It's scheduled to arrive at 10:35pm.  Getting ready to board it now.
Female Boss:   Do you still want me to pick you up?
Husband:           I might as well get an Uber so that you don't need to come back this late to pick me up
Female Boss:    Let me know when you arrive, or I will worry.
Husband:           I will text you.  
Female Boss:    K

Husband's flight lands in Dallas

Husband:           Well, I'm in Texas now finally!
Female Boss:     Thank Goodness!!!!!!!!
Husband:           Just landed in Dallas.  I'll text you when I land in Austin.  
Female Boss:     That should be a quick flight
Husband:            Yes it will last 1:20 I believe
Female Boss:      K.  Let me know!
Husband:             It does not depart until 9:40pm
Female Boss:      Oh :(
Female Boss:       I will be awake until you get here, so let me know when it arrives.

This woman was never on my radar as a threat until this.  WHAT BOSS WAITS UP FOR YOUR FLIGHT TO LAND WHEN IT IS GOING TO BE AFTER MIDNIGHT?  Then, it all started to make sense.  All the divorce threats from him.  All of the primping.  Most likely, he had taken HER to lunch and not the lesbian that he claimed he did.  They were possibly carrying on right UNDER MY NOSE.   I went back and looked at previous texts and while I never saw any texts that were outright affair worthy, they were a little off.  A little too chummy for a boss and subordinate.

Of course he denied all of this.  We had months of problems because of her.  The flirting continued while she was still working there.  I demanded that he NOT take any more trips with her.  He had to go to the supervisor who was over both him and her and tell him that he couldn't do any more traveling for a while due to personal reasons.  

Finally, I found out she was leaving the company.  Not to go to another job- she just left with no reason.  I thought that was weird because her live-in boyfriend did not make a lot of money and they had bought a new house....so people at his office thought it was strange she was leaving.  The day of her going away luncheon, my husband laid out of work and was extremely happy and giddy towards me.  I remember he told his office he had a dr appt, but he just spent the day with me and he seemed unusually out of character giddy/happy.

About 2 months after, I happened to see on his phone where she had texted him trying to start up a conversation.  I told him I was not comfortable with them being friends anymore because we were doing better in our relationship and since she had been gone from his life, he was acting totally normal and not weird anymore.  

THIS IS A LONG LONG STORY- BUT IT WEIGHS ON MY MIND SOMETIMES.  I REALLY THINK THEY WERE HAVING SOME SORT OF INAPPROPRIATE RELATIONSHIP.  WHAT DO U THINK??????

[usa1ah]

Have you posted this somewhere else as well? The scenario is very familiar. Especially the flight to Texas. 
 

It sounds like it was an EA between them. But with doing the trips together it can easily have been a PA. 
 

His quick return home after you raised cane with him was to throw you off. The no problem I will just return tomorrow. They had that night anyway before he returned. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Your husband disrespects you over and over. 

He threatens divorce, condescends to you, and was clearly prioritizing his time away with his crush over his own wife and family. My guess is most of what he's told you about her and their interactions together are only half-truths. Is this what you hoped marriage would be like? 

At the end of the day, Other Women will come and go. Even if this one buggers off, there will eventually be another one. Why? Because your husband is not invested in you and your marriage the way a husband should be. In other words, if you have an allergic reaction to something, topical creams and antihistamines will only treat the symptoms. The allergy still exists, and will continue to flare up if you don't understand what exactly is causing it and work on treating it. You can't do this alone; your husband is the one who needs to do the heavy lifting here, since he is the one violating the boundaries all over the place. 

Your marriage has problems. When your marriage only functions well in this sort of vacuum (working from home in a pandemic), well, it has big problems. Getting this other woman out of the way is not ultimately going to do much other than make room for another one at some point in the future. Does your husband have any interest in working on the marriage? 

[ginamistros10]

He says he understands he was wrong -even though there was nothing but a professional relationship between them.  He says “we didn’t have boundaries in place back then, and now we do”.  We actually just argued about this because I said in a marriage that boundary exists the day you got married.  In other words you don’t need us to argue and me to protest to know that going out on “dates” with coworkers is inappropriate.  He claims that I knew he was going on the business trip with her, so he thought it was ok.  What really happened was he told me he had no choice in the matter and the trip/dinners etc were mandatory.  I know now how much BS that was.  Also- he made me feel jealous after the first incident when he took a woman to lunch.  I asked him not to do that again and enacted the boundary right then but he violated my boundary again with his dinner on the business trip.  Also texting her after she left the company.  Any smart person would’ve blocked her number since there was so much strife around his relationship with her and how it affected our marriage.

[mark clemson]

I agree it sounds like this was posted before. I don't have the answer to your main question at the bottom of your post, but it does seem like there was quite a bit of smoke here for there to have been no fire at all.

Possibly this was EA/inappropriate friendship (because boss + rather too high level of intimacy) but he shied away from PA, e.g. the day he left instead of staying on the travel. Perhaps he was worried he was upsetting you too much by staying. Or possibly it was PA other times and he was worried about risk of discovery on the trip. However, there's no telling for sure, that's just a thought. I do find it a bit odd he was texting pics of the dinner. Sharing an experience w/ you or "hiding in plain sight"? Hard to know with certainty which it was IMO.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

12 hours ago, ginamistros10 said:

Foreword:  Things are better now since COVID because of course we are working at home together and there is no ability to have "affair with coworker"- plus this woman left the company about a year ago......but these are things that transpired that are still on my mind, so here goes:

Husband worked in finance, and I own a business.  This was a fairly new job for my husband.  About 6 months into the new job, he began to act differently.  First, he was very conscientious of how he dressed, spent extra time on picking out clothes, extra grooming (including privates), etc.  Then the attitude began.  He began to treat me differently.  Found out that he had taken a one-on-one lunch with what he said was a lesbian coworker.  I asked him why he didn't tell me about it (we normally share info with the other like this).  He blew up and told me to get used to it.   Weird.

Things blew over and he wanted to start going to a new gym.  I thought it was odd because we share a gym that we already like and use.  He got angry at my questioning it and threatened divorce if I didn't "shape up" and stop questioning him.  I thought...hmmm...this sounds like a midlife crisis.   

 

This is absurd.

 

why weren't youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (not only) threatening divorce  (but also) making it happen???

 

That has textbook 'affair'  written all over it.

 

It just screams   "doormat" !

 

 

[ginamistros10]

I guess I didn’t want to hastily end the marriage without proof because we have children, have been married a long time, and I wouldn’t be the only one affected by life changes.   The subtle things like new clothes, etc could’ve just been a wardrobe upgrade for a new job.  It’s easy to say “just divorce” without being in my shoes.  The “dating” of the female boss didn’t happen until months later- about 9 mos after the job began.  Also- I incorrectly stated in my timeline that he spent one night out of town for business - but really it was 2 nights.  The first night was flying in late when the flight got delayed and he didn’t get to the hotel until 1am.  The second night was the dinner/sightseeing drive in the car together that he and his female boss had from 4:30pm- 9pm.  The restaurant was a 5* restaurant with candlelight and white tablecloths on the river front.  He had taken photos of their food, the wine cellar in the restaurant, the views, etc.  All the while I was home with the kids like a fool because he had told me that everyone does this when they travel on business out of town.  I told him I don’t think so- 10 yrs ago when I took a business trip myself in which a male boss and I attended- we drove separately, didn’t stay at same hotel and never dined one on one together.  We didn’t spend one minute together outside of our business meeting. I respected his wife and family and would never do that.

[usa1ah]

The thing that stands out to me is this, he dishing anything from you in regards to the trip. He was sending you photos of the food like a kid in the candy store. 
 

I have done business meetings and meals a few times. Some of the meals were a bbq shack and some were up scale. It really depends on the boss and the location. 
 

I really hope you find your answers. 

[ginamistros10]

USALAH- can you explain a bit more what you mean by “dishing anything from you”

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, ginamistros10 said:

and I wouldn’t be the only one affected by life changes.  

And do you think your husband is pondering that when he's cozying up to another woman? 

It isn't you that would be initiating big life changes (if you go that route); he would be, by not honoring the integrity of your marriage in the first place. 

[introverted1]

You got lots of advice when you first posted about this.

 

[ginamistros10]

introverted1:  What’s  up with the hostility? Am I harming you by making a post on this forum?

[elaine567]

Your husband I presume...

[Fresh_Start]

This thread just went full blown Jerry Springer.