Armchair_20 Posted July 16, 2020 Share Posted July 16, 2020 (edited) Hello, One of my male coworkers (and, really, my favorite at work) has started to behave differently towards me in the past few months. (I am a female, btw). He greets me everyday we both are in the office, usually by passing by my desk, and I have noticed that he gazes at me or even stares deeply into my eyes at times, especially when we talk. Sometimes he smiles at me at the same time. It feels like he is a bit nervous occationally, because I have seen his arms shaking a bit in my company. However, that never happens when there are other people around, and then he also avoids looking into my eyes for longer periods of time. It's strange, but I often have the feeling that he notices everything about me now, and he seems to recall our past conversations better than I do. I have also noticed that he puts his hand over his mouth when we talk about more private things, looking a bit pained, as if he cannot say what he wants to. We have worked together for a couple of years and have always been polite and friendly towards eachother, but now he is asking me out for lunch (in a group) and we have also been out for drinks once (also in a group). He talks to me a lot, about personal things, his family, music, etc, and asks me questions. He has never really complimented me, but I noticed that he asked me "Who was that?" when he saw me having lunch with a male friend on two different occations. Once when I couldn't make it for lunch at a rather fancy restaurant last month, he rescheduled it so that I could attend as well. I should add that he is single, and I am about to break up from a relationship that isn't going anywhere. Our company policy states that dating in the office is allowed, but I know about previous cases when the female (yes, always the female) has been removed to another unit when the relationship is official, so to speak. However, I want to stay in my unit, and I believe that he wants that too. What is going on here? What should I do about this? Edited July 16, 2020 by Armchair_20 More details added Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 16, 2020 Share Posted July 16, 2020 Knowing the unofficial company policy of discrimination -- that you would be moved to a different position -- I'd stay far away from this guy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted July 17, 2020 Share Posted July 17, 2020 Never poop where you eat. In other words, put your work/money above some silly crush that is not likely to pan out anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Belle23 Posted August 7, 2020 Share Posted August 7, 2020 It sounds like he has an office crush on you, but he’s too timid to make a move (probably to avoid harassment allegations) hence the group lunch dates. While that’s flattering, I’d stay work friends and not cross that line. I speak from experience. However, I do know a lot of people who got married to people they met at work. I’d just be careful and be prepared to leave your job if you do cross that line. Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted August 27, 2020 Share Posted August 27, 2020 On 7/16/2020 at 9:30 PM, Armchair_20 said: Our company policy states that dating in the office is allowed, but I know about previous cases when the female (yes, always the female) has been removed to another unit when the relationship is official, so to speak. However, I want to stay in my unit, and I believe that he wants that too. You answered your own question here. Even if you were not moved, and the two of you were in a relationship and it went very sour with anger, hurt and hate felt by one or both of you, how would that affect your/his work environment? It would be very toxic. A simple one date that did not go well could be very awkward for a period of time. If you care about your coworker, and care about your job/workplace, keep it professional. Once you go personal be prepared to leave your place of work. It takes a special kind of relationship to survive work and a home or 24/7..... Link to post Share on other sites
Dork Vader Posted September 8, 2020 Share Posted September 8, 2020 I think you really need to consider all of possibilities of the given situation. If you two both start dating it will get complicated fast. It won't be like normal dating simply because you two work together. You will be forced to see each other most days and for long periods, even if the relationship is going well it will be easy to become fatigued, sort of like meeting someone new and spending to much time together too quickly. You also have to consider that no matter what you do, if the relationship goes south there is a high possibility you'll be looking for a new job/department. Most men I talk to are extremely hesitant to ask a coworker out simply because the risk of harassment complaints is high. There is good reason for men to fear it as well, only 1/5 of harassment complaints are filed by men. I have had friends lose their careers for simply asking a coworker out to drinks/dinner or some activity. The coworker they asked out lodged a harassment complaint against them with HR and suddenly they were without a job. That might not be the case with him, he might not be asking for more because he knows you're in a relationship and unavailable. If you're extremely interested to the point you're willing to risk the consequences that might come with dating a coworker. Then you want to be extremely casual and take your time. Do you enjoy hiking or any activities like that? If so see if he would be interested in joining you one weekend. Take your time with getting to know him and really find out if he's someone you think you can build a stable relationship with before you consider anything intimate with him. Just make sure you don't give off friend zone vibes. Getting to know him casually will allow you to see if there are any deal breakers for either of you, without the complications and emotions that arise when things get more intimate. That's not to say things can't still get awkward, they can. If you're not sure how to keep things casual. Then avoid putting yourself in situations you know have the potential to lead to more intimate moments keep the interactions in public places and take your time. Why your work has always transferred women out of the office who knows? Is there anyway you can talk to the woman who did leave? If so perhaps ask them about their experience and whether or not they felt it was discriminatory/fair. Make sure they did not leave simply because they felt uncomfortable working with someone they had dated. Link to post Share on other sites
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