My ex is in a rebound

[Saah]

Hi everyone, i just want some of your opinion regarding my situation:

I was in a 6yrs relationship with my ex and about 3yrs ago we got engaged. We had our up's and down's the last year, not often, but sometimes

Well, she broke up with me and moved out a week later. The breakup was not mutual since i still wanted her. The day of the breakup, i begged for a new chance but i went in my own head and thought. "If i really love her, i let her go." Maybe the new chance will come after a while apart.

Two months later i found out she was dating someone else, i found out that they started dating 2-3 weeks after she moved out. Thats why i think of this as a rebound.
All the time apart, i was working with myself to find a better me, and figure out why the breakup happened. She just told me recwntly that she was "seeing" someone else, and lied about how long this has been going on. A mutual friend of ours has told me that my ex and "the new guy" have been having small fights and discussions etc. From my point of view, i feel like this wont last.

The reason why i ask of your opinions is:
-Why is my ex letting me caress her (like holding the side of her face, and look her in the eyes) after she told me on a text that she doesnt want me to "small-flirt" with her because its not so fun for the "new guy". What about her feelings? If i didnt want anything to do with me i would have said: "stop small-flirting with me because we are not together anymore and blah blah blah" right?
-She says she miss me, but follow up with. But not the way you miss me. but she hesitated when she said it: it was like "i dont miss you that way sort of" (how can she miss me otherwise? We have been together for 6yrs.) A miss is a miss right? To miss someone. right? 
-She say she love me (not the "lovelove you" way, but i guess you understand) "she care for me", if that is easier to understand.
-She says she has alot of respect for me, and care about me and my life.

I think she is confused about herself on what to do.
Beause of the time apart, i have been focusing 100% on myself and my problems, but i dont think she has used the time to think what she really want.

If someone wants to talk with me private, im a really good listener. Maybe we can share thoughts and help eachother.
Otherwise you can just write in the comments

Thank You.

[DKT3]

The most likely reality is she left you to be with the "new" who I'm betting is not all that new. I'm pretty sure you will try to convince us you know for a fact she wasn't seeing him before....truth is, no way you can know.

Here is what you do, STOP.

Stop talking to her, stop allowing her to share her emotions with you,  stop being her friend.  Stop focusing on whatever relationship she is having with some other guy.

It's not as easy as it sounds,  but its easier ever day after the first. 

Maybe after you've detached from her you can revisit the friends thing, otherwise you're just pain shopping,  setting yourself up for more rejection,  more mixed messages,  more being her emotional crutch. 

Just stop, I know you want, but that's the common advice you will get here.

Edited July 16, 2020 by DKT3

[Saah]

The truth is that they never crossed path or talked before. All this happened shortly after the breakup, and i know that for a fact.

[DKT3]

1 hour ago, Saah said:

The truth is that they never crossed path or talked before. All this happened shortly after the breakup, and i know that for a fact.

As I said I knew you would say this. Its delusional thinking.  She dumped you she is dating someone else and you over analyze every interaction.  

Wake up, she did just meet this guy

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Saah said:

The truth is that they never crossed path or talked before. All this happened shortly after the breakup, and i know that for a fact.

How do you know that for a fact, OP?

In any event, even if he is a rebound, she's using you as a back-up guy in case things go sour with him. If things improve between them, though, you will be left in the dust. What you're doing now (being her Plan B) is not helping your case. It doesn't make you look like the more attractive option, I promise you that. She isn't into you in that way anymore, but she'll enjoy your company and attention until she finds the guy she does want to have a relationship with. She's just making sure you don't go anywhere until then. In other words, it's not because she's in love with you, but because she doesn't want to be totally alone. 

You are going to get hurt all over again if you continue in this vein. 

[Realitysux]

11 hours ago, Saah said:

The truth is that they never crossed path or talked before. All this happened shortly after the breakup, and i know that for a fact.

When you both broke up was it a mutual agreement to stay single and work on issues that affected the relationship? Unless it was a mutual agreement then he is allowed to date who he chooses. He also made if clear they he doesn't love you the way he should love his romantic partner. 

You can't make someone love you and you can't turn back the clock. You have to accept the relationship is over and maybe the fact you both have contact is making it harder for you to move on. I don't think it's fair when one person leaves the other person held on when there is no chance of reconciliation but that's not a common behavior with men unless they are appalled by you.

Edited July 17, 2020 by Realitysux

[d0nnivain]

You want the new guy to be a rebound because that will allow you to continue believe there is a chance for you two to get back together. 

Odds are she mentally had one foot out the door of the relationship a long time before she actually officially broke up with you.  That means she's over you because she already grieved for the end to the two of you.  

She may also like attention & be unable to be alone. 

Either way you need to close the door on this chapter of your life.  Disconnect on ALL platforms.  

[chillii]

From things she's said to you l'd believe her , she's saying she's not in love with you anymore and she's not missing you in the same way as your hoping. Look at it this way , whether he's a rebound or not which he probably is , doesn't change the fact that she just up and moved out and now she's with someone else, and she's said those things to you. l'd say she was well out of love before you even split up anyway.

 

Edited July 17, 2020 by chillii

[Fox Sake]

The fact she still talking to you and allowing you to “hold the side of her face”  when she is now with someone else should tell you that she did the same thing to you in the relationship. Wake up! 
 

The other posters are correct. Furthermore she gave you the “I love you but not in love with you” and she’s now trying to appease her own guilt by holding your hand through the breakup. I know you can’t see it right now and you’re seeking answers but this all completely typical behaviour on her part. 
 

I know you’re hurting , but the truth is , you just have to realise that this wasn’t meant to be. The longer you stay in contact with her the longer it will take you to heal and the more false hope you will giving yourself. 
 

I made this in bold text cos I want to make sure you take it on board. Read through the many pages on this forum and you’ll see this a common pattern. 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Unfortunately my friend, you have it all wrong.

Women are creatures of convenience, they do not leave before your replacement is found, unless there is violence and it doesn't sound like there was.

This is not a rebound; a rebound is somebody who you meet after being single, but this woman, she probably has not been single for a long time, she probably does this behavior regularly and she certainly does not feel bad about it.

Your ex is not in a rebound, your ex is in a relationship.

This is what they do. Move on. Akin to what the poster above said, if you explore the forums, you will see this story is all too common.

[Bluesandy]

On 7/20/2020 at 4:53 PM, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

Unfortunately my friend, you have it all wrong.

Women are creatures of convenience, they do not leave before your replacement is found, unless there is violence and it doesn't sound like there was.

This is not a rebound; a rebound is somebody who you meet after being single, but this woman, she probably has not been single for a long time, she probably does this behavior regularly and she certainly does not feel bad about it.

Your ex is not in a rebound, your ex is in a relationship.

This is what they do. Move on. Akin to what the poster above said, if you explore the forums, you will see this story is all too common.

Totally agree.. It happened to me, she told me same thing and I discovered some times later it wasn't true... Dont believe that BS. A rebound just a couple of weeks after you separated after 6 years and a kid ? Are you serious lol

[elaine567]

Dumpers rarely rebound that is what dumpees do.

Dumpees grab onto the first person they meet to make them feel better and to get over their heart ache.

Dumpers have often  processed the break up long before the actual split.
They are not heartbroken.
They wanted to break up. 
They wanted to be free to find someone else.
They move seamlessly on, their next relationship is not a rebound. it has as much chance of lasting as any other.

Seems to me just about every guy seems to believe women cheat in this situation.
"She was seeing him before the split" is the accusation, but finding a new guy pretty quick after the split is not hard for any woman to do...
I have done it when young, NO cheating but dumped the LT bf that I saw no future with, then 2 weeks later found a new one...

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

10 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

then 2 weeks later found a new one...

We know this is the nature of women, we also know women are going to say whatever they need to, to maintain their image( Men as well), i'm not saying your not a credible person, I see no reason for you to not be, but you have to understand when a situation becomes so common, there is a point where it defies logic... This type of thing happens so often, that as men, we definitely need to change the way we think about women, for better or for worse, I can't say, but the benefit of the doubt being abused more than once is one time too many in my opinion.

Edited July 22, 2020 by CAPSLOCK BANDIT

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

We know this is the nature of women,

It is actually the nature of all dumpers.
They are already done and finished long before they actually pulled the plug.

[5x5]

9 hours ago, elaine567 said:

It is actually the nature of all dumpers.
They are already done and finished long before they actually pulled the plug.

Yep.

With the exception of two women who dumped me* and my now wife who I have been with continually for 24+ years. I have dumped every other woman I have been with. And immediately after dumping them, I moved on easily because I was already done with them when I let them go.

*In the end I got to dump those two as well, since I got back together with them a few weeks and three years later respectively. I dumped the first one by divorcing her, and I let the other one go just before my now wife asked me out on a date.

[5x5]

Although it won’t make you feel better OP. Some men and women can and do more on readily and easily to have sexual relationships with others, even immediately just after having been in a significant sexual relationship.
 

I know this because I do that very easily myself as well. It’s not that I didn’t care about the person I was with, it’s just that I don’t pine after what’s gone and look forward to new sexual adventures with others going forward.

[sheithappens]

I just wanted to say that all this pain and confusion you are feeling will go away regardless if you get her back or not  . I haven’t logged on in like 8 years and the only reason I did was because I checked my old email and had a link to reset my password for here since 2012 .  I use to be on here searching for the golden answer and checking  old threads for advice and actually found some gems in here . Good luck and have faith that you will be great soon . 

[sheithappens]

Oh and by the way , the other guy was always there in the background (even if you didn’t know about him ) . I went through a similar situation like yours about 12 years ago . It’s on my old Threads . I received great advice back then if you want to read them .