5 year girlfriend broke up - need coping

[Aurelion]

Hi everyone, I am new to this community since this is merely the 2nd breakup in my life, but this one does feel harder.

So, here it goes and I´ll try to make it short:

I met my ex girlfriend 5 years ago, she was 16, i was 21; everything as beautiful as it gets., basically a dream relationship. We had some issues after 2 years, where she told me she needed to live because she feels trapped. Not 2 weeks went by, she came back saying she want to get back with me. I obviously said yes and everything was perfectly fine.

Now, 2 years ago out long distance relationship started, and I mean REALLY long distance... from South America to Europe, she went abroad to study in Europe, and I stayed with my job in South America. We saw each other every 6 months, summer and Xmas and everything seemed really good for a LDR. We were also planing on going on a vacation this summer, but as you know, COVID19 prevented that, and we couldn't have seen each other for who knows how much more time. Nevertheless, I had big plans with her, summer 2021 I was going to do a masters degree in Europe in her city, and we were going to live together, I was even considering proposing to her at that time, obviously she didn´t know... But we had plans.

The issue started a month ago, she started going out with her house owner, a lot... for walks, dinner, etc. I was never insecure or too jealous, but I started to notice she was kind of different and distant in the calls, but nothing that really bothered me. The real thing started a 3 days ago, when I confronted her about she being different, and she said she loves me but this distance thing is way too tough and that we should take a break. I naturally reacted shocked and kind of angry, sand and dissapointed. We hanged up and she immediately texted back saying she didin´t mean it and she loves me and wants to be with me forever. But I felt it, I knew she mean it, so I was really distant the rest of the days. She was constantly checking up, saying she wants me to be better and that she will heal me with a lot of love... she actually was really cute with me in texts, as she had always been, sending hearts and everything. But, today after not speaking too much she sent a loooong text saying that she feels this doesn´t work, that it is too tough and that we should have our separate ways and hopefully meet again, and that I deserve everything good in this world because I am marvelous, and asked me to facetime her afterwards, which I did and was shocked and could not say much. But I later sent a text saying in summary: Even if this is not what I want and I wanted you for ever, I respect your decision and wish you all the best.

That´s it, here I am. With all my plans, nothing to do. Hear in a million pieces.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry this happened, OP. 

Unfortunately, this relationship was likely always bound to come to an end, simply due to the fact that she was very young when you two started dating and still more or less a kid. We grow so much in our teens and twenties, and what she wanted as a young, inexperienced and naive girl is not the same thing she wants now that she is maturing and entering adulthood. It doesn't mean either of you did anything wrong, but she outgrew the relationship, as many young people do. The distance didn't help matters, but age was likely the biggest factor working against you. 

Take your time to heal, and don't keep in touch with her. It will hurt too much. 

[Aurelion]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm sorry this happened, OP. 

Unfortunately, this relationship was likely always bound to come to an end, simply due to the fact that she was very young when you two started dating and still more or less a kid. We grow so much in our teens and twenties, and what she wanted as a young, inexperienced and naive girl is not the same thing she wants now that she is maturing and entering adulthood. It doesn't mean either of you did anything wrong, but she outgrew the relationship, as many young people do. The distance didn't help matters, but age was likely the biggest factor working against you. 

Take your time to heal, and don't keep in touch with her. It will hurt too much. 

Thank you for your reply ExpatInItaly, I find your words to be of wisdom. I agree I must not contact her, but a part of me wants to get back with her, when we both grow as individuals.

I have to say that we talked today via FaceTime, and I was surprised to see she was hurting a lot, 5pm and she had not gotten up of her bed, crying and everything. She told me that this sucks she would never have wanted this and confessed she seeked counseling to take this hard decision. Also told me that she doesn't want to stop talking to me, and I told her I really don't know if that is correct.

I saw her practically grow up with me in those 5 years, which is why this hurts me as much. I just fail to find joy or motivation in anything else, not even videogames which I love.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 7/17/2020 at 5:19 PM, Aurelion said:

I have to say that we talked today via FaceTime, and I was surprised to see she was hurting a lot, 5pm and she had not gotten up of her bed, crying and everything. She told me that this sucks she would never have wanted this and confessed she seeked counseling to take this hard decision. Also told me that she doesn't want to stop talking to me, and I told her I really don't know if that is correct.

This is her immaturity showing. 

She hasn't learned to live as a single person yet and expects the guy she just dumped to help her through it. It's not unusual for the younger and less-experienced crowd to want to keep their exes around to help them leap-frog into single hood. It's not a good idea, as you know. 

I would also be wary of assuming those tears are for you. She might be having a rough patch with her new crush and suddenly realizing he's not as interested in her as she thought, for example. A lot of people in her shoes panic when they think the new love interest might not pan out and go looking for their exes. It's not up to you to dry her tears, wherever they're coming from, exactly. 

Take plenty of space from her now. No more chats. It's only going to keep you stuck, and hurt that much more when she eventually goes distant again. And yes, you will hurt for a while. It's not fun and it's a new chapter of your life, too. You will get through this, and you will someday meet the woman who is meant for you. This one isn't it. 

[healing light]

On 7/16/2020 at 4:46 PM, Aurelion said:

We had some issues after 2 years, where she told me she needed to live because she feels trapped. Not 2 weeks went by, she came back saying she want to get back with me. I obviously said yes and everything was perfectly fine.

I think you guys were having two different experiences of the same relationship. You were invested in a longer-term commitment, as you are older, but she is still figuring out who she is and wanting more experiences in life. So I think this was always in the back of her mind, but she does love you so she would then panic and try to reconcile. But the reality is you're just at two different stages in life and she has more to explore. You're still young yourself, but the age gap--while not a big deal when people are older--is amplified at those particular ages. There is so much growing someone does from 16 to 21. She is likely still figuring out who she is and what she wants.

You're caught up in the mix of it all. But, I agree with the other poster, if you stick around to be her shoulder to cry on, you guys might develop a weird dynamic that isn't healthy and prevents one or both of you from moving on properly. And then when she starts dating again, it's going to suck. Let the break be clean so that if you guys do reconcile in the future, you know it's what you both truly want.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry you are a hurting but all you can do is let her go.  

If you are still doing your Masters in her city, perhaps you can try again when there isn't an ocean between you.  If she comes home permanently of her own accord, you may also be able to try again. 

For now, you have to let her go.  You have to let her grow.  To assume that she would spend the rest of her life with the only man she's known since 16 was unrealistic   

[Aurelion]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is her immaturity showing. 

She hasn't learned to live as a single person yet and expects the guy she just dumped to help her through it. It's not unusual for the younger and less-experienced crowd to want to keep their exes around to help them leap-frog into single hood. It's not a good idea, as you know. 

I would also be wary of assuming those tears are for you. She might be having a rough patch with her new crush and suddenly realizing he's not as interested in her as she thought, for example. A lot of people in her shoes panic when they think the new love interest might not pan out and go looking for their exes. It's not up to you to dry her tears, wherever they're coming from, exactly. 

Take plenty of space from her now. No more chats. It's only going to keep you stuck, and hurt that much more when she eventually goes distant again. And yes, you will hurt for a while. It's not fun and it's a new chapter of your life, too. You will get through this, and you will someday meet the woman who is meant for you. This one isn't it. 

So do you think she wants to keep me around? That would mean she is bound to text me or call me some time, what would you recommend I do in that case? I know it is not ideal, but right now I just think of getting her back one day.

Regarding the tears, I never thought of it that way, I really felt her tears were because of all our good times and our ended relationship. But who knows you may be right.

Thank you for your wise advice, I agree the best thing is just to take my space and give her space. I still love her, but I know I also have a lot of growing to do, and looking back, I was way too comfortable in this relationship at long distance to live and grow.

[Aurelion]

9 hours ago, healing light said:

I think you guys were having two different experiences of the same relationship. You were invested in a longer-term commitment, as you are older, but she is still figuring out who she is and wanting more experiences in life. So I think this was always in the back of her mind, but she does love you so she would then panic and try to reconcile. But the reality is you're just at two different stages in life and she has more to explore. You're still young yourself, but the age gap--while not a big deal when people are older--is amplified at those particular ages. There is so much growing someone does from 16 to 21. She is likely still figuring out who she is and what she wants.

You're caught up in the mix of it all. But, I agree with the other poster, if you stick around to be her shoulder to cry on, you guys might develop a weird dynamic that isn't healthy and prevents one or both of you from moving on properly. And then when she starts dating again, it's going to suck. Let the break be clean so that if you guys do reconcile in the future, you know it's what you both truly want.

You are totally right, I wanted to marry this girl, and I really believe she did also. She even sometimes teased me with ring pictures in a sort of funny way.

Hurts like hell, but I now know that even if I want something with her in the future, I should just let her go for a long time. Thanks for your wise advice! It all seems very rational, should have seen this coming, but I guess I was just so naive (and in love) about it all.

[Aurelion]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm sorry you are a hurting but all you can do is let her go.  

If you are still doing your Masters in her city, perhaps you can try again when there isn't an ocean between you.  If she comes home permanently of her own accord, you may also be able to try again. 

For now, you have to let her go.  You have to let her grow.  To assume that she would spend the rest of her life with the only man she's known since 16 was unrealistic   

You are totally right. I'm still unsure weather I want to go there now or not. I am also almost certain she won't be coming home to me because her country is 1st world, mine is not.

And yes, to assume that was totally naive of my part. I guess the best thing is to concentrate in myself for now. I know she loves me, I know I had flaws, but the single fact the dumped me means I should not contact her at all.

[ExpatInItaly]

20 minutes ago, Aurelion said:

So do you think she wants to keep me around? That would mean she is bound to text me or call me some time, what would you recommend I do in that case? I know it is not ideal, but right now I just think of getting her back one day.

She might want to be friends, but that’s not in your best interest until you are healed. 

If she tries to contact you, let her know that it’s too hard for you to be in touch right now and you need space. 

[Aurelion]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She might want to be friends, but that’s not in your best interest until you are healed. 

If she tries to contact you, let her know that it’s too hard for you to be in touch right now and you need space. 

I was suggested to act normal and light, letting her know I´m alright, or at least better. But maybe you are right and telling her what you said is the correct thing to do. Thank you.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 7/19/2020 at 6:45 PM, Aurelion said:

I was suggested to act normal and light, letting her know I´m alright, or at least better. But maybe you are right and telling her what you said is the correct thing to do. Thank you.

Eh, that's over-rated advice from get-your-ex-back "coaches." It's largely irrelevant to the outcome, since the break-up was the key factor, not your reaction to it. She also knows you, and knows you're hurting. She knows you're not going to be better within days or even weeks. 

Acting light and happy isn't what would make or break this. All that will do is prolong your pain, as she might think you're fine being friends and treat you as such. That would also mean you'd still be hovering around when the next guy she dates come along. Believe me when I tell you that you won't want to be a front-row seat to that, and it's very likely already happening with this other guy she's been getting very friendly with. 

Take space for you and your own sanity. 

[BaileyB]

On 7/17/2020 at 10:19 AM, Aurelion said:

I have to say that we talked today via FaceTime, and I was surprised to see she was hurting a lot, 5pm and she had not gotten up of her bed, crying and everything. She told me that this sucks she would never have wanted this and confessed she seeked counseling to take this hard decision. 

Personally, I think this shows that she cared a great deal for you and she considered this decision very seriously - that shows maturity. Unfortunately, I think you got caught because she was VERY young when you met and she is growing up... She wants to experience life, she wants different things, and the distance makes it that much harder... I’m sorry. 

[smackie9]

If you were there, this would all go away. Hey I know a few couples that dated very young, broke up, dated others for a short time, and got back together and got married. So the only thing that is truly in the way is the distance. She obviously wants more than what you can give her....that's why she's moving on.

[schlumpy]

Just break up in an amicable way. Leave the relationship floating. You don't have to nail it into a coffin and bury it at sea.

Keep contact down to holiday greetings and birthdays. No facetime. Only text. 

Recognize that there something between you two but the circumstances and timing are not compatible. 

If you were meant to be together love will find a way.

[emi]

Sorry for your loss. Its unfortunate but you are still so young, you will meet someone else. I mean i had my LDR break up a few years back. Then i got into another one ( without any intention) and it worked . Life is really unpredictable, everything changes and so will you. 

[Caauug]

On 7/20/2020 at 12:18 AM, Aurelion said:

I'm still unsure weather I want to go there now or not. I am also almost certain she won't be coming home to me because her country is 1st world, mine is not.

This quote tells me there is no future for the LDR. For any LDR to survive there has to be an end date when the two of you will be together. No date = Dream, Date = reality.

On 7/20/2020 at 12:15 AM, Aurelion said:

It all seems very rational, should have seen this coming, but I guess I was just so naive (and in love) about it all.

 Awwww, isn't that sweet.... You have been watching Disney movies and watching romance/love stories..... That is fiction, or right out lies!!! 

Girls and boys or women and men have different needs and evolution has made us love differently. As our needs change in life we seek out partners that do or can fulfill those needs. Your Ex-GF is growing and experiencing lots of new things in Europe, you are not there to share them with her. You are still the same as when she left, you have her up on a pedestal, you are still in the "Disney Dream" waiting for the princess.... It's all been lies you have convinced yourself of. DO NOT EVER DO THIS AGAIN!!!

On 7/20/2020 at 12:18 AM, Aurelion said:

I know she loves me

NO!!!! She does not love you the same as you love her, get that into your head!!! Yes she "Loved" you at some point in time... (Past tense) but not now. If she still loved you, she would not be breaking up with you. You are not able to meet enough of her needs to sustain her love for you. 

On 7/19/2020 at 1:20 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

I would also be wary of assuming those tears are for you. She might be having a rough patch with her new crush and suddenly realizing he's not as interested in her as she thought, for example. A lot of people in her shoes panic when they think the new love interest might not pan out and go looking for their exes. It's not up to you to dry her tears, wherever they're coming from, exactly. 

^^^^^ YES!!!! She might of tried to monkey branch a little early and missed the branch just after dumping OP....

On 7/17/2020 at 11:19 PM, Aurelion said:

Also told me that she doesn't want to stop talking to me,

She wants validation that she didn't hurt you too much and wants to let you down slowly..... It's called torture and she would likely cry scream and fight you if you did that to an animal but she will willing do it to you??? Do not let her do it!!! She dumped you, you are no longer of use to her, she wants someone else to take your place in her life, you are discarded rubbish to her, GET THAT INTO YOUR HEAD!!! She only wants to keep in contact for her own self-esteem, nothing to do with you, you are now being used. She wants you to be an orbit friend she can share her feelings with..... That is not where you want to be in her life. It should be "all or nothing" and she is telling you it is no longer "all", so give her "nothing"!!!

 

Actions speak louder than words (talk is cheap, people will tell you what you want to hear, not what you need to hear). What has been her actions??? Not your best interests in mind... Time to look after No#1, You!!! Go no contact and stop being jerked around for her validation. You are a man, act like one!!! Get fit in body (work out), your mind will follow. Educate yourself on "Human Behavior and Biology" 

Now is the time for you to look after YOU....

Edited September 14, 2020 by Caauug
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