Girlfriend Unsure on Future

[Boggle100]

Hi All,

Thanks for reading firstly.

Bit of background, been with my partner for 3 years, lived together for 2 of those. Both close to 30 with good careers. I have children from a previous relationship which was tricky at the beginning but everything is fine now with a set routine of every other weekend.

She has been somewhat distant over the past month/ 6 weeks but we have been getting on fine nonetheless. She was acting off this past weekend so i asked her what was up, she stated that she isn't sure if she wants this routine anymore. Its nothing to do with the kids, me or my ex, its purely how she feels. I probed more so and she sometimes gets a bit jealous when the kids are over because she likes having me all to myself, said that she sometimes doesn't like that the house can be a mess with toys etc and the early mornings. She wants to have me just not the scenario and routine that we have. She also admitted that she feels the spark has gone somewhat. 
We have been up and down over the past year and has serious conversations about splitting up in 2019 but decided to give it one last go.We rarely are intimate and even then its not like it used to be. We have also both said that on some levels we don't necessary feel we are compatible but we do get on and are good friends. Its almost a relationship of convenience and friendship now rather than it being filled with love etc. I appreciate relationships change and evolve over time so its never going to be like it was at day 1.

I cant help but feel that with the whole lockdown situation she wasn't working and has perhaps allowed her to take a step back and look at things differently in her life such as career, love etc rather than living life at 100 miles an hour and barely getting a chance to breathe. She is away with work next week so i've said perhaps use this time to reflect on how you feel and see if this is still 100% what you want, if it isn't then just say and we can decide whats best. She has also said that everything doesnt feel normal in her life at the moment give it 6 months she might feel normal again. But i dont want to wait 6 months for her to decide if we should be together?!

My stance and feelings on it at present are that if she does want to walk away or we decide to split then of course I will be upset, but i feel like i have been braving for the worst ever since we hit the rocks last year. It wouldnt be a complete shock to me. If we did split it would mean having to obviously move out and start again and more upsetting for me not be able to have my kids overnight (would have to work out some other means with ex)

Any help or advice would be appreciated

[assertives]

There really isn't much you can do at this point except decide for yourself if you want to wait for 6 months and decided then if it's break up or not. Or set each other free now so that you both can move on with your lives. Things haven't been well since the last breakup talk last year and frankly, this sounds like the continuation of that. Waiting another 6 months would likely just be kicking the can down the road for another 6 months.

It sounds like deep down, both you and her do know that the relationship has run its course. 

48 minutes ago, Boggle100 said:

perhaps allowed her to take a step back and look at things differently in her life such as career, love etc rather than living life at 100 miles an hour and barely getting a chance to breathe.

If her behaviour now is after she has had time to think clearly and reflect during the lockdown, coupled with the near breakup last year, I'm afraid she has already decided that this isn't the kind of life and future that she wants despite that claim that she may become "normal" again in 6 months.

[d0nnivain]

The woman wants romance.   Start doing sweet things for her.  Hide a note in her drawer & definietly n her luggage before she goes away for the week. Get her some flowers.  Light some candles & dance in the living room.  Make a picnic in the backyard.  Draw her a bubble bath.  Give her a massage or a footrub.  Take her for a walk & hold her hands. 

She needs to know that you appreciate that she's desirable woman.  

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Boggle100 said:

We have been up and down over the past year and has serious conversations about splitting up in 2019 but decided to give it one last go.We rarely are intimate and even then its not like it used to be. We have also both said that on some levels we don't necessary feel we are compatible but we do get on and are good friends. Its almost a relationship of convenience and friendship now rather than it being filled with love etc. I appreciate relationships change and evolve over time so its never going to be like it was at day 1.

Can you elaborate on the above?

What led to a near-split last year, and where do you suppose the intimacy problems stem from? It sounds like this relationship has been going downhill for a while, and the pandemic has merely underlined whatever doubts she already had. 

[Boggle100]

Thanks for the replies, in regards as too why we nearly split. I felt like i was pulling all the weight in the relationship, i was making all the effort, instigating intimacy, suggesting spending time together and i realised my worth and thought i deserved better treatment.

We have worked through it but its still somewhat of an issue but i dont bother even bringing it up because nothing will change so i have accepted it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

55 minutes ago, Boggle100 said:

Thanks for the replies, in regards as too why we nearly split. I felt like i was pulling all the weight in the relationship, i was making all the effort, instigating intimacy, suggesting spending time together and i realised my worth and thought i deserved better treatment.

We have worked through it but its still somewhat of an issue but i dont bother even bringing it up because nothing will change so i have accepted it. 

It sounds like your feelings were bang-on, and that she has been losing interest in the relationship for a long time. 

Perhaps it's time to concede that this has run its course. 

[Boggle100]

You maybe right. Im a firm believer in actions speak louder than words and whilst she says all the right things, i love you i want you etc. She doesnt then back it up in ways that show me that she does love and want to be with me. I cant help but feel its become somewhat of a relationship of convience for the both of us

[spiderowl]

Just reading your initial post, it sounds like it's all but over.  She doesn't feel comfortable with a ready-made family and you two are not 'in love' really but more friends who care about each other.  That's not ideal after only three years together.  

Where is this relationship going for her?  Does she want her own children?  Do you want more children?  Have you discussed marriage?  I don't know whether she wants these things for herself, but if she does and you are complacent and ok as you are, then this relationship will not be meeting her needs.

You may well be right that she has been living in the fast lane and has not had the time to reflect that she has now.  It does not sound as if you are very happy either, not making love.  Is this what you want out of life?  Is a companion enough for you?

It is difficult to break up when there is nothing specifically wrong other than that you are both in a rut.  Maybe some time apart would be helpful for gaining a better perspective?

 

Edited July 18, 2020 by spiderowl

[kendahke]

On 7/17/2020 at 5:14 AM, Boggle100 said:

she stated that she isn't sure if she wants this routine anymore. Its nothing to do with the kids, me or my ex, its purely how she feels. I probed more so and she sometimes gets a bit jealous when the kids are over because she likes having me all to myself, said that she sometimes doesn't like that the house can be a mess with toys etc and the early mornings. She wants to have me just not the scenario and routine that we have. She also admitted that she feels the spark has gone somewhat. 

This sounds like it has, at the very least, 3/4' s of it having to do with your children.

Your children aren't going anywhere, so either she gets with the package that is you and your children or she bounces.

She knew when she got with you that you had children for whom you share custody. What did she think they would do? Evaporate at will?

Quote

She has also said that everything doesnt feel normal in her life at the moment give it 6 months she might feel normal again. But i dont want to wait 6 months for her to decide if we should be together?!

Make the decision for yourself and your children. Cut her loose.  You don't want her energy around them. Her attitude towards them will hurt them in ways you can't even fathom and it would be an unforced error on your part. She probably says messed up stuff to them when you're not in earshot.

Edited July 19, 2020 by kendahke

[lee179108]

On 7/17/2020 at 10:14 AM, Boggle100 said:

Hi All,

Thanks for reading firstly.

Bit of background, been with my partner for 3 years, lived together for 2 of those. Both close to 30 with good careers. I have children from a previous relationship which was tricky at the beginning but everything is fine now with a set routine of every other weekend.

She has been somewhat distant over the past month/ 6 weeks but we have been getting on fine nonetheless. She was acting off this past weekend so i asked her what was up, she stated that she isn't sure if she wants this routine anymore. Its nothing to do with the kids, me or my ex, its purely how she feels. I probed more so and she sometimes gets a bit jealous when the kids are over because she likes having me all to myself, said that she sometimes doesn't like that the house can be a mess with toys etc and the early mornings. She wants to have me just not the scenario and routine that we have. She also admitted that she feels the spark has gone somewhat. 
We have been up and down over the past year and has serious conversations about splitting up in 2019 but decided to give it one last go.We rarely are intimate and even then its not like it used to be. We have also both said that on some levels we don't necessary feel we are compatible but we do get on and are good friends. Its almost a relationship of convenience and friendship now rather than it being filled with love etc. I appreciate relationships change and evolve over time so its never going to be like it was at day 1.

I cant help but feel that with the whole lockdown situation she wasn't working and has perhaps allowed her to take a step back and look at things differently in her life such as career, love etc rather than living life at 100 miles an hour and barely getting a chance to breathe. She is away with work next week so i've said perhaps use this time to reflect on how you feel and see if this is still 100% what you want, if it isn't then just say and we can decide whats best. She has also said that everything doesnt feel normal in her life at the moment give it 6 months she might feel normal again. But i dont want to wait 6 months for her to decide if we should be together?!

My stance and feelings on it at present are that if she does want to walk away or we decide to split then of course I will be upset, but i feel like i have been braving for the worst ever since we hit the rocks last year. It wouldnt be a complete shock to me. If we did split it would mean having to obviously move out and start again and more upsetting for me not be able to have my kids overnight (would have to work out some other means with ex)

Any help or advice would be appreciated

Pretty tough situation dude, I have a similar one going on... we're similar ages but have no kids...  have you ever asked her if she would want a kid with you??  I can see why she gets jealous of that... I think thats normal.  I got told before the spark had gone... do you do stuff with her? try to change things up???  at the end of the day you dont want to change too much...  time does do a lot of things to the mind, so all you can do is ride the storm and see how it plays out...  just be honest in what you want, dont beg, if she walks away just stay quiet. If she truly does love you then she will come back, weather you want her or not at that point is up to you.