Caught him on dating app

[lovesfool]

I recently started a topic about the guy I'm seeing, but I have a new unrelated "problem" with him now. I hope it's okay that I made this now about something different.

Basically we've been dating for 4 months, but mostly just texting and virtual dates. Have met in person 4 times. We never said the exact words "exclusive" but we both said we were off the dating apps and weren't seeing anyone else. 

Roll onto this week where he went quiet on me and then I started to wonder if it was going to get serious as I got a feeling that from him that it was a little bit casual for my liking. I got paranoid so I went onto a dating app from my country he uses and lo and behold I saw his active profile. He only recently created the profile (maybe in the last 24 hours as the app tells you that it's a new member) and had the dating status as looking for "nothing serious" and had the profile tagline saying "just having a look". What worried me the most was the "nothing serious" because in my eyes that implies sex.

I messaged him about the other doubts I had that night about us being too casual (but didn't mention the dating app). He was very apologetic and had no idea I was feeling this way. We had a long discussion and said that he will make more of an effort and that I should have said it to him sooner as he really wants to make this work as a relationship. He was very genuine and he has been telling his friends and family about me so I have no doubt that he wants something serious with me. 

Later on that night I checked the dating app again and noticed that he had deleted his profile. While it does bother me that he was on it, even for that brief period, I technically was on it to (although for different reasons that don't look good for me either i.e. checking in on him!). Without making excuses for him, we didn't explicitly say we were exclusive (although I thought it was implied), he was on it for less than 24 hours and his profile said he was just having a look. In our conversation he also said that he wasn't feeling himself this week. Maybe he felt down and got the urge to go on the app for an ego boost. He does like posting stories about himself on social media so I'm sure he would get a kick out of the attention.

Should I say anything to him or just let sleeping dogs lie? If I say something to him he might get offended or put off that I was snooping on him. On the other hand if I don't say anything I could have this suspicion that he's on it if I never get an explanation for why he was on it in the first place.

Dating is hard.

[lurker74]

Right now you have a video pen pal. Let it be. When you actual have a relationship and are ready, talk about exclusivity. Don't get me wrong - I'm sure it was stressful. But right now, you two could easily go separate ways for any reason so getting to caught up in it seems a bit much.

[central]

What were you doing on the dating app, if you told him you were off them as well?  Anyway, you both may not be seeing others, but given you've had so few in-person dates, it seems premature to be exclusive (which neither of you has promised).  If you care to tell him that you were on the app and checking out others - or just checking on him - then you can ask him about his activity and intentions.  Otherwise, I think a wait-and-see approach is best.

[ShyViolet]

You've only met in person 4 times... that's not much of a relationship. Maybe he is feeling dissatisfied with the lack of real intimacy and questioning whether this relationship is going to work.  Why are you not seeing each other more often?  Also, I think this might be a case of poor communication.  You say that you think you are exclusive with him even though it was never explicitly said.  If you want to be exclusive with him, explicitly talk about it.

[Fox Sake]

40 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I recently started a topic about the guy I'm seeing, but I have a new unrelated "problem" with him now. I hope it's okay that I made this now about something different.

Basically we've been dating for 4 months, but mostly just texting and virtual dates. Have met in person 4 times. We never said the exact words "exclusive" but we both said we were off the dating apps and weren't seeing anyone else. 

Roll onto this week where he went quiet on me and then I started to wonder if it was going to get serious as I got a feeling that from him that it was a little bit casual for my liking. I got paranoid so I went onto a dating app from my country he uses and lo and behold I saw his active profile. He only recently created the profile (maybe in the last 24 hours as the app tells you that it's a new member) and had the dating status as looking for "nothing serious" and had the profile tagline saying "just having a look". What worried me the most was the "nothing serious" because in my eyes that implies sex.

I messaged him about the other doubts I had that night about us being too casual (but didn't mention the dating app). He was very apologetic and had no idea I was feeling this way. We had a long discussion and said that he will make more of an effort and that I should have said it to him sooner as he really wants to make this work as a relationship. He was very genuine and he has been telling his friends and family about me so I have no doubt that he wants something serious with me. 

Later on that night I checked the dating app again and noticed that he had deleted his profile. While it does bother me that he was on it, even for that brief period, I technically was on it to (although for different reasons that don't look good for me either i.e. checking in on him!). Without making excuses for him, we didn't explicitly say we were exclusive (although I thought it was implied), he was on it for less than 24 hours and his profile said he was just having a look. In our conversation he also said that he wasn't feeling himself this week. Maybe he felt down and got the urge to go on the app for an ego boost. He does like posting stories about himself on social media so I'm sure he would get a kick out of the attention.

Should I say anything to him or just let sleeping dogs lie? If I say something to him he might get offended or put off that I was snooping on him. On the other hand if I don't say anything I could have this suspicion that he's on it if I never get an explanation for why he was on it in the first place.

Dating is hard.

This guy isn’t serious about you. If he was he wouldn’t be window shopping elsewhere. 
the best thing you can do is speak to him about it and not act like a doormat and pretend it’s okay. It’s NOT okay. Not in the slightest. 

Shamefully and embarrassingly, I did this to someone once too  it’s my biggest regret in life. It took me 4 years to get over her after a mere 6 month relationship and cohabitating. I literally tore myself apart to a thousand tiny pieces to find out why I would do such a thing to someone. It totally destroyed me for a long time , but not as much as it destroyed my ex partners heart. 
 

I feel really , really sorry for you. It’s extremely unfair what he’s doing and if he’s not feeling himself I can say with 99% certainty that it’s because he’s busy looking for an upgrade and thinks he can do better. Which chances are, he won’t. I know I never did. She ran with the break we were taking due to my behaviour, and never took me back, and more power to her for being strong enough to leave the piece of s*** that I was at that time. 

I write this with a heavy heart. Reading your story makes me feel just as bad as I did 5 years ago. You can do better and he deserves time alone to think and reflect. Here’s hoping that’s what he does and doesn’t think what he did was fine. Some people never learn , some people do. 
 

I realise your story is a little different, but the the morals are the same. I may have got a little caught up on how my story effected me and my ex , and not really addressed your issues but that’s my experience with this kind of situation.
 

Edited July 17, 2020 by Fox Sake
Spelling and adding a bit

[lovesfool]

44 minutes ago, lurker74 said:

Right now you have a video pen pal. Let it be. When you actual have a relationship and are ready, talk about exclusivity. Don't get me wrong - I'm sure it was stressful. But right now, you two could easily go separate ways for any reason so getting to caught up in it seems a bit much.

We had a lot of video dates and it feels like we've been properly dating for much longer than it seems.

40 minutes ago, central said:

What were you doing on the dating app, if you told him you were off them as well?  

I got paranoid when he didn't message me for 4 days so I went on to see if he was on it.

39 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Why are you not seeing each other more often?  Also, I think this might be a case of poor communication.  You say that you think you are exclusive with him even though it was never explicitly said.  If you want to be exclusive with him, explicitly talk about it.

We live about 2 hours away and there was a lockdown in our country where we couldn't see each other. If you say to someone you're dating that you're exclusive, does that imply you can't "window shop" to use a phrase another poster mentioned?

36 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

I may have got a little caught up on how my story effected me and my ex , and not really addressed your issues but that’s my experience with this kind of situation.
 

I appreciate your advice, but it's very hard to describe what he's like so I may have given the wrong impression. He is very keen and genuinely felt upset when I questioned whether he was looking for something serious or not. I would think that he might be like you in that if he thought he would lose me he would have huge regrets. Does that mean you abandon any relationship where the guy wavers or makes a mistake?

[Fox Sake]

42 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

 

I appreciate your advice, but it's very hard to describe what he's like so I may have given the wrong impression. He is very keen and genuinely felt upset when I questioned whether he was looking for something serious or not. I would think that he might be like you in that if he thought he would lose me he would have huge regrets. Does that mean you abandon any relationship where the guy wavers or makes a mistake?

I don’t think you gave the wrong impression at all. I think I got caught up remembering my similar behaviour with my ex gf. It made me feel bad for you. 
I’ve done my years of mental jail and solitude to figure out my behaviour. I’m passed it now. 
Just be careful. I can’t answer your last question cos it was a new behaviour for me at the time. So in short, the answer is no. I’ve made lots of mistakes in my life but making someone feel like that, is one I will never do again. Maybe I’m just not finished beating myself up for it all yet. I’m ashamed to even talk about it but the humility is a good thing and I hope others can learn from my mistakes. 

Edited July 17, 2020 by Fox Sake

[Velvet teddy]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

We had a lot of video dates and it feels like we've been properly dating for much longer than it seems.

I got paranoid when he didn't message me for 4 days so I went on to see if he was on it.

We live about 2 hours away and there was a lockdown in our country where we couldn't see each other. If you say to someone you're dating that you're exclusive, does that imply you can't "window shop" to use a phrase another poster mentioned?

I appreciate your advice, but it's very hard to describe what he's like so I may have given the wrong impression. He is very keen and genuinely felt upset when I questioned whether he was looking for something serious or not. I would think that he might be like you in that if he thought he would lose me he would have huge regrets. Does that mean you abandon any relationship where the guy wavers or makes a mistake?

Unfortunately  i agree with Fox Sake. This is what people do when they think they can do better/want an upgrade. I mean hes  seen you  four times as early as that is it looks like he is still looking for something  else out there.

It doesn't matter what he said when you told him how you feel, hes just having his cake and eating it sort of thing.

Take note of his actions. He didnt message you in four days, that is quite a lengthy amount of time. 

I would be wary if i was you. 

[snowboy91]

4 hours ago, lovesfool said:

What worried me the most was the "nothing serious" because in my eyes that implies sex.

 

It does imply sex, but more importantly it implies a desire to not be seriously committed.

2 hours ago, lovesfool said:

 

I appreciate your advice, but it's very hard to describe what he's like so I may have given the wrong impression. He is very keen and genuinely felt upset when I questioned whether he was looking for something serious or not. I would think that he might be like you in that if he thought he would lose me he would have huge regrets. Does that mean you abandon any relationship where the guy wavers or makes a mistake?

He felt upset because he got caught. Between this and your other thread, I'm really not getting the feeling that he's into you all that much.

You don't abandon a relationship where a guy makes a mistake, you need to consider the big picture. If he's not displaying much outward interest toward you, and he says to others that he's just "looking" and up for "nothing serious" then don't expect a committed relationship from him. There's nothing inherently wrong about that, just that you two have different expectations. On the other hand, if it was a really good relationship up until that point, then it's a point of discussion rather than instant break-up.

[Ruby Slippers]

This would kill it for me. If he were really into you and wanted this to go somewhere, he wouldn't be browsing for someone else. 

When a man is into a woman, he doesn't risk it by doing this kind of thing.

You can do better than this. 

[Versacehottie]

I feel like you and your guy aren't really on the same page about where you are with each other.  I think it's a mistake to be so committed to him when that's not really what is going on (so few dates, his presence on a dating app).  I realize that it's lockdowns that supposedly are causing things where you can't go out with each other or see each other more.  But an alternative view is that that same situation is having you string yourself along.  

What possibly could be different if there were no barrier to spending time together is that he simply would not be spending time with you.  (not saying for sure that would happen).  OR you two could have progressed through the various stages of getting to know one another and then one or the other of you be over it, moving on (not saying for sure that this would happen either).  What is for sure, is that the COVID situation itself is putting in place a stalling mechanism that is built in.  There is no way to really know if you are that strong of a couple, that serious with each other.  Sounds like he is looking at it with a realistic, pragmatic view by low investment in you while at same time searching for something more local.  Also he could really tire of a virtual/text/phone relationship---perhaps he is already bored, unexcited by what exists between you two. (i have to say to jump into an all virtual thing, all talking with very very little in person dating, definitely hardly sustainable amount, I'd be bored too.  It's overly serious without the base for that).  Same reason why lots of LDR fail and you guys don't truly have the base that most of those do because you were just starting out and have had few in person dates.

So i would say he can easily invest in a low investment way to your relationship.  Because of lockdowns, he probably has enough time to message with you a bit, enough to keep you hanging in there and there is not much grief or effort needed on his part.  Meanwhile you are planning a whole relationship with the guy.  Doesn't matter what he says, look at what he does.

Of course, none of us has a crystal ball.  I think it's little encouraging that he took down his profile & responded very well to your talk BUT and it's a big BUT---look at the catalyst for this occurrence.  It took you reaching out and pressing for some answer, asking for more.  When not watched (though he doesn't know you saw), this is what he CHOSE to do.  Not a great sign at all. He is only one foot in--one foot out.  He's probably already realized that the distance will be a problem with or without COVID restrictions or that you don't suit each other.  What he's doing is an easy way for him to pass his time and ensure he has you as an option.  Though he reacted well to your talk, I think you should have TRUST concerns about him due to what he did.  He's looking out for himself. If you get hurt in process and he is misleading you, he isn't worried about that.  Moral compass is potentially off.

Edited July 18, 2020 by Versacehottie

[CLS63AMG]

Couple years ago I found my 4-month GF on a dating app so I dumped her right then and there.  She said she deleted it and lied when confronted, but we didn't have the exclusive talk and I wouldn't have cared had she not lied about it.  Never seen her since lol

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, lovesfool said:

We had a lot of video dates and it feels like we've been properly dating for much longer than it seems.

Understandable, but the reality is that you haven't been properly dating for longer. 

I get why it stings, but this was your cue that he doesn't view this the same way you do. He's keeping his options open, and yes, "nothing serious" probably does include casual sex. The fact that this was all preceded by a few days of silence suggests his interest in keeping this going with you is fading, or at least not on the same level as yours. 

While he did take his profile down, it wasn't exactly of his own volition - it was only in response to your disappointment. What he did when he didn't think you were looking is a more accurate reflection of where his heart and mind are really at right now. It sucks, but this was perhaps the reality check you needed to really understand his mindset and intentions. 

[smackie9]

Read the profile....and that applies to you, it's nothing serious. Now everything is falling into place. You are getting duped. He's doesn't initiate, he's been blowing smoke up your butt for 4 months, he's fishing for more prospects. What will it take for you to finally dump this guy? Are you that desperate? You date those who treat you the way you want to be treated.....this guy isn't treating you the way that you should for someone who wants "exclusivity".  This guy ain't gonna give it to you. If you are waiting for him to tell you himself what is really going on, that isn't going to happen either. Slam the door in his face.

[hippychick3]

That would be game over for me. I’d end all communication with him from this point forward. 
 

This guy was looking for something better out there no matter how briefly he was on the site. A man who is really into a woman would not even want to look to see what else is out there. He is not interested in a committed relationship with you. Don’t you think you deserve someone who is? This guy is NOT the one. 
 

 

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Read the profile....and that applies to you, it's nothing serious. 

I think this ^^^ is really valid.  I agree & thought something similar too.  I don't think he's necessarily serious about you OP.  (sorry). 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

19 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I appreciate your advice, but it's very hard to describe what he's like so I may have given the wrong impression. He is very keen and genuinely felt upset when I questioned whether he was looking for something serious or not. I would think that he might be like you in that if he thought he would lose me he would have huge regrets. Does that mean you abandon any relationship where the guy wavers or makes a mistake?

What's happening here is you are making excuses for him so that you will make yourself believe he's as invested in this as you are, but he's not. If he were, there's no way he'd be on a dating site looking for casual hookups with other people. This guy is in no place mentally to be in a committed relationship. A guy who is invested in a relationship with you will consider your feelings and preferences respectfully in his choices/actions rather than looking for hookups with others. You are going to get very hurt if you continue with this guy! 

A mistake is forgetting to pick up your favorite ice cream at the store, not cheating or looking for a replacement. If you lower the bar in your relationships, expect to be taken advantage of in the extreme.

[lovesfool]

18 hours ago, Velvet teddy said:

Take note of his actions. He didnt message you in four days, that is quite a lengthy amount of time.  

Yes, but I didn't message him either. I may be just as bad.

16 hours ago, snowboy91 said:

There's nothing inherently wrong about that, just that you two have different expectations. On the other hand, if it was a really good relationship up until that point, then it's a point of discussion rather than instant break-up.

I feel that it was a really good "relationship" (although not official) up until that point. But how would you raise it with him?

16 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

This would kill it for me. If he were really into you and wanted this to go somewhere, he wouldn't be browsing for someone else. 

When a man is into a woman, he doesn't risk it by doing this kind of thing.

You can do better than this. 

I can see where you're coming from, but I was on the dating app as well 3 weeks ago. It was just to go in and delete my profile, but I did have a snoop around to see who was there before I deleted it for good. Does that make me just as bad?

15 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

So i would say he can easily invest in a low investment way to your relationship.  Because of lockdowns, he probably has enough time to message with you a bit, enough to keep you hanging in there and there is not much grief or effort needed on his part.  Meanwhile you are planning a whole relationship with the guy.  Doesn't matter what he says, look at what he does.

Of course, none of us has a crystal ball.  I think it's little encouraging that he took down his profile & responded very well to your talk BUT and it's a big BUT---look at the catalyst for this occurrence.  It took you reaching out and pressing for some answer, asking for more.  When not watched (though he doesn't know you saw), this is what he CHOSE to do.  Not a great sign at all. He is only one foot in--one foot out.  He's probably already realized that the distance will be a problem with or without COVID restrictions or that you don't suit each other.  What he's doing is an easy way for him to pass his time and ensure he has you as an option.  Though he reacted well to your talk, I think you should have TRUST concerns about him due to what he did.  He's looking out for himself. If you get hurt in process and he is misleading you, he isn't worried about that.  Moral compass is potentially off.

It could be because of the lockdown and the distance. It's hard when we only see each other every second week and can understand feeling less committed to a relationship that way. I know I feel that it's much less of a normal relationship than I'm used to because of the amount of time I see him.

Do you think I should talk to him about seeing him on the app and discuss trust?

I foolishly still have the app installed, regularly checking to see if he goes back on.

[mark clemson]

This sounds more like the idea of a relationship than an actual one, with the only meeting in person 4 times in 4 months. I wouldn't consider that a "real" relationship, although with COVID things are a bit less F2F I suppose.

It sounds like he's trying to either turn it into more while multidating in case it doesn't pan out OR keep you as one of his multidates. Hard to know which one, but either way he shouldn't have lied about that. Probably thought he'd drive you away if you knew (and I'm guessing it probably would have.) Oh well...

[poppyfields]

What's interesting is you could listen to all the advice and dump him, and then a week, a month, 6 months later, he may realize his feelings for you, and the tables could turn, with him doing a complete 180, realizing he is in love with you and wantiing a committed RL with you!

This happens so often, I've read too many stories of this happening to believe otherwise.  

I mean @Fox Sakeisn't that exactly what happened to you after your ex walked away from your RL? 

You admitted the way you treated her (despite caring deeply) was the biggest mistake of your life.  

What's sad is @ lovesfool, you will have to walk away, believing you can do better (and believe it!!) for him to realize this, possibly.  

 

[Fox Sake]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

What's interesting is you could listen to all the advice and dump him, and then a week, a month, 6 months later, he may realize his feelings for you, and the tables could turn, with him doing a complete 180, realizing he is in love with you and wantiing a committed RL with you!

This happens so often, I've read too many stories of this happening to believe otherwise.  

I mean @Fox Sakeisn't that exactly what happened to you after your ex walked away from your RL? 

You admitted the way you treated her (despite caring deeply) was the biggest mistake of your life.  

What's sad is @ lovesfool, you will have to walk away, believing you can do better (and believe it!!) for him to realize this, possibly.  

 

That is exactly what happened to me! And she absolutely did the right thing In running.  I didn’t deserve someone like that back then. I truly hope she’s happy now and is being given the love I should have given her. 

Edited July 18, 2020 by Fox Sake

[Velvet teddy]

6 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Yes, but I didn't message him either. I may be just as bad.

I feel that it was a really good "relationship" (although not official) up until that point. But how would you raise it with him?

I can see where you're coming from, but I was on the dating app as well 3 weeks ago. It was just to go in and delete my profile, but I did have a snoop around to see who was there before I deleted it for good. Does that make me just as bad?

It could be because of the lockdown and the distance. It's hard when we only see each other every second week and can understand feeling less committed to a relationship that way. I know I feel that it's much less of a normal relationship than I'm used to because of the amount of time I see him.

Do you think I should talk to him about seeing him on the app and discuss trust?

I foolishly still have the app installed, regularly checking to see if he goes back on.

But he was/is actively looking for other women.

For  you, hes seems to be your sole focus. Doesn't  matter whether you messaged or not you were still thinking about him

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Do you think I should talk to him about seeing him on the app and discuss trust?

I foolishly still have the app installed, regularly checking to see if he goes back on.

No,  He already knows you are policing him so just watch his actions.  Actually just start dating others.  He is going to think you're too clingy already if you keep brow beating him about it.

[lovesfool]

39 minutes ago, stillafool said:

No,  He already knows you are policing him so just watch his actions.  Actually just start dating others.  He is going to think you're too clingy already if you keep brow beating him about it.

I can see how he might think that, but I'm usually a bad communicator and talking about things on my mind may be better than bottling it up like I usually do.

I thought I might ask him about the conversation we had and if he meant we were exclusive. If he says no, that's great. It just means we thought different things, no biggie. If he says yes, then I might say that curiosity got the better of me and I checked the app. I won't be doing it in a judgemental way, but just to get a view on what he wants or expects from us being together. Maybe he wants something less serious, which is fine but I just want to know where I stand. 

[kendahke]

On 7/17/2020 at 3:45 PM, lovesfool said:

Should I say anything to him or just let sleeping dogs lie?

Leave it be.  You two are not exclusive and you haven't bothered to let him know how you've been feeling.

Quote

although I thought it was implied

That's right.  YOU thought. He didn't.. and he's not operating on assumptions like you are. You never assume about things like this without having had a conversation to that effect.

You say something like this if you two had an agreement of exclusivity and you went on the dating site and found this; but then you run the risk of him calling you out for being on the dating site--if it was for checking up on him or checking out other guys, you're still on it and your reason/excuse wouldn't make any difference to him.

Edited July 19, 2020 by kendahke