Caught him on dating app

[kendahke]

10 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I've read everything you've all said and I must say a lot of you need to work on your bedside manner

He must have ended things or made it clear by his no-show that it's over.

If he told you what you wanted to hear, you'd be crowing about it.

I dare say you're projecting your anger onto us about it.

[poppyfields]

Versace, unless I misread, LF posted yesterday she will be seeing him tomorrow, which is today.  

So hopefully she will update later today or tomorrow letting us know how the meeting played out.  

That said, what I've learned from reading these forums and also my own experience, is that no matter what anyone says or advises, people tend to do what they want regardless. 

It often results in them getting hurt, but so be, they learn.

I know it's frustrating watching them go down that bad path, but it's their path to go down, not ours. 

Many of us have walked down that same path, so let's not judge her too harshly for choosing to do same.  

I say let people take that path with warning, and again if they get hurt in the end, so be, that's how most people learn, by making mistakes and learning from those mistakes for next time.

And believe it or not, sometimes it turns out positively too!  It's all a risk.  

LF, I hope you will update after you meet.  And hope it goes well no matter what the end result turns out to be.  

Know you will be okay no matter what. 

Edited July 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[lovesfool]

An update as requested! 

We met today and he travelled the 2 hours to chat. He admitted he had lied to me and was very apologetic. He gave plenty of reasons for his behaviour and that he didn't mean for it to get so out of control. 

I had said to him at the start that whatever you say to me needs to be the truth, 100%, and that even a slight sign of a lie will mean that I'll forever believe our whole 4 months was a lie. 

Needless to say, he told another lie. A small one about only being on the dating app for an hour when I knew it was more like a day. Even when I said to him that I had screenshots, he wouldn't back down and said he honestly doesn't remember being online for more than an hour. Really weird behaviour if I'm honest. Don't know what he had to gain by sticking to that lie when it really wasn't important at all. 

I was glad in a way that he said that. Just made the breakup much easier knowing that he is just a lier through and through and eliminated all doubt that it may have been his one mistake. 

Thankfully I know for sure I made the right call, but it's a shame that the whole 4 months has been tarnished by his lying at the end. 

[stillafool]

So how did it end?  Did you say your good-byes and good lucks?

[poppyfields]

Thnx for the update LF.  

So, do you have your closure now, is this what you needed?  Will you be able to move on now do you think?  

I know he meant a lot to you, whether it makes sense to us or not, so I'm sorry.

You live you learn, you love you learn
You cry you learn, you lose you learn
You bleed you learn, you scream you learn ~ Alanis Morissette 

  

Edited July 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

Hopefully you will be able to really let go now. 

 

 

[lovesfool]

The way it happened was that I told him to lay all his cards on the table and be honest with me for once and for all. I told him if there was ever a chance of us having an amicable end to this or stay in touch in the future that he would need to be 100% truthful. I'll be honest and I may have given him a glimmer of hope that this was fixable.

I forewarned him so many times, and even interrupted him before he said what he eventually said in the hope that it wasn't a lie. The lie was so insignificant too that I've no idea why he said it or stuck with it, even after showing him evidence! It really, really confused and upset me.

I said to him that there's no chance of this working because of the continued lies and that we would never see each other again. I never kissed or hugged him, only said goodbye.

The worst thing is that the past 4 months have now been tainted and that I can't look back on the great times we had together fondly. I now have to try to think of him as a lying narcissist, just so I can get over him. It's going to be hard to do that.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

I now have to try to think of him as a lying narcissist

Why the drama?
You connected for a short while, you invested heavily, he not so much, he went looking for another date.
He is a guy out dating, men lie to women all the time to make themselves look better and to get what they want and to cover up low life tactics.
You caught him out twice and instead of walking away, you have fabricated this "closure" in which he lied again. Big surprise!
We have a culture of men lying to women unfortunately, getting away with it and even thinking it is funny.
Yes he has lied to cover his sorry ass but that doesn't make him a "narcissist" surely.

Edited July 27, 2020 by elaine567

[lovesfool]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Why the drama?
You connected for a short while, you invested heavily, he not so much, he went looking for another date.
He is a guy out dating, men lie to women all the time to make themselves look better and to get what they want and to cover up low life tactics.
You caught him out twice and instead of walking away, you have fabricated this "closure" in which he lied again. Big surprise!
We have a culture of men lying to women unfortunately, getting away with it and even thinking it is funny.
Yes he has lied to cover his sorry ass but that doesn't make him a "narcissist" surely.

I know that he lied to me, but it's hard to move from a mentality where you think that you can see a serious future with a guy to one where he's an ***hole liar.

My point was that I need to try and convince myself that he was totally wrong for me. I need to look at the negative sides of his character traits and assume it was the right thing to end things now.

Me saying he was a narcissist was me trying to say that he only cared about himself by lying. Also tied into his regular social media posts looking for attention. 

It feels so wrong that things ended because we both were crazy about each other. I know you'll say he wasn't because of his actions, but the lengths he went to to try and make it work, the things he said, the tears in his eyes, it breaks my heart to have to make that call. I know ultimately it had to be done, but that doesn't make it any easier.

[ExpatInItaly]

14 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

It feels so wrong that things ended because we both were crazy about each other. I know you'll say he wasn't because of his actions, but the lengths he went to to try and make it work, the things he said, the tears in his eyes, it breaks my heart to have to make that call.

LF, you have to drop this narrative. 

He didn't do much, and what he did do included looking for other women to date and then lying about it. 

[kendahke]

40 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

the tears in his eyes,

On 7/25/2020 at 11:00 AM, kendahke said:

.He may even squeeze out a tear or two...

Gawd, he's so predictable...

40 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

My point was that I need to try and convince myself that he was totally wrong for me. I need to look at the negative sides of his character traits and assume it was the right thing to end things now.

Actually, this tack keeps you from taking responsibility for yourself in all of this. You're attempting to put your part of this on him.

Frankly, it shouldn't take you trying to convince yourself--the signs were all there from the get-go. What you need to examine--more likely with a therapist--is why you were so invested in not seeing them and why your denial game was so strong.

The fact that within 4 months time, you only saw one another 5 times should say a lot to you, but you were too busy building an artificial construct of what you wanted him to be instead of seeing him for who he was: someone with a lot of sweet words but hardly any actions to buttress the words.

What you need to look at are the positives:

1.  you had didn't keep this farce going indefinitely and squander any more of your youth.

2.  you gave him more than enough rope to hang himself and he tied so many Gordian knots with it it boggles the mind

3.  you didn't allow him to continue to insult your intelligence with his foolishness

He was your life lesson and you passed. You will never entertain this energy again unless you choose to ignore all the signs around you and plunge back into this morass.

 

 

 

 

Edited July 27, 2020 by kendahke

[poppyfields]

I'm a bit confused too LF.

Nevermind going  on the app and then lying about it, twice, what, in your mind, did he do to "make it work"?

Driving to see you 4 times in 4 months?  You know now it wasn't the distance preventing him from doing that, since he was so willing to make the drive yesterday.  

You also stated he never initiated physical affection, not even a kiss.  It was all you.

Which is fine I suppose but are those the actions of a man who truly cared and went to great lengths to make it work?

I'm not judging, promise, I've been there.  I nearly worshipped my ex, but it wasn't real.  It was in my head, as Expat said, my narrative.  

I had him on a pedestal and I assigned qualities to him based on my own internal narrative, living in never-never land.

It's very easy to do and I did it for years, only to finally wake up (and I mean literally wake up from the dream) and acknowledge that he had been lying for years, and to put it nicely, was NOT who I had convinced myself he was all those years. 

LF, I would encourage you to try and see him and this situation for what it is, or what it was.

I have no doubt there was an attraction, and it sounds like you're focusing on that and assigning qualities to him that just aren't there.

The tears in his eyes, his "sensitivity" etc.  I did the same.  

But it's important to be real.  A man wanting to make it work will move mountains to see you and spend time with you, NOT sit on his ass texting you and only manage to get off his ass 4 times in 4 months to spend real time. 

I don't care what his "issues" are, these are not the actions of a man wanting to "make it work."  

I'm getting a bit wound up myself now. For you!  I've been there, experienced it.  So I'm feeling you, as they say. 

Anyway, just a gentle push into reality LF.  I think it's an important component to your healing process.  

All the best. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[balletomane]

LF, you are thinking about this in very black and white terms. I think this is a big part of your problem. First you saw him as a man you might spend your future with, and now you see him as a lying narcissist. But there is an awful lot of ground between those two poles. As others have said, the most likely thing is that he was a man you dated briefly and who just didn't see you the way you saw him. That's not soulmate material, but it isn't narcissism territory either. Many if not most people tell lies and find ways to justify their lie to themselves, as you did when you set up that fake profile. I'm betting you didn't tell him that you posed as someone else to send him a message, or that you would describe yourself as a liar or a narcissist because you acted deceitfully there. To you the deceit makes sense in context, even if you're not proud of it. He might not be proud of his lie either, but it will seem as reasonable to him as yours does to you.

If you decide that the only way to convince yourself that someone isn't your soulmate is to act as if they were a terrible person, you are setting yourself up to make the same mistakes next time. Most men you date won't be terrible people (hopefully none of them will be!), but you're unlikely to meet your soulmate right off the bat either.  If you start dreaming of the future from the very early stages of dating then you're likely to experience even more disappointment, because you're placing expectations on your date that he's unlikely to be able to meet.

Another thing I've noticed here is that your feelings seem to change quickly and you forget them equally quickly. You were describing yourself as "really heartbroken over this" barely a week ago, but now you say you're in no way emotionally distraught. If you can't accurately remember and acknowledge the kinds of things you were thinking and saying in the very recent past, it's no wonder four months feels like a long time to you. But that's a trick of your memory. It's a highly unusual way to think and most people don't share it.

I agree that some therapy might be helpful to you untangle the thought patterns that are getting in your way. I would never have been able to have a healthy relationship after PTSD without it. It can be life-changing.

[hippychick3]

The fact that you are crediting him with such little efforts shows that you have much needed work to do on yourself so that your standards will be much higher in the future. You need to know your worth and raise the bar. 

[lovesfool]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I'm a bit confused too LF.

Nevermind going  on the app and then lying about it, twice, what, in your mind, did he do to "make it work"?

Driving to see you 4 times in 4 months?  You know now it wasn't the distance preventing him from doing that, since he was so willing to make the drive yesterday.  

You also stated he never initiated physical affection, not even a kiss.  It was all you.

Which is fine I suppose but are those the actions of a man who truly cared and went to great lengths to make it work?

I'm not judging, promise, I've been there.  I nearly worshipped my ex, but it wasn't real.  It was in my head, as Expat said, my narrative.  

I had him on a pedestal and I assigned qualities to him based on my own internal narrative, living in never-never land.

It's very easy to do and I did it for years, only to finally wake up (and I mean literally wake up from the dream) and acknowledge that he had been lying for years, and to put it nicely, was NOT who I had convinced myself he was all those years. 

LF, I would encourage you to try and see him and this situation for what it is, or what it was.

I have no doubt there was an attraction, and it sounds like you're focusing on that and assigning qualities to him that just aren't there.

The tears in his eyes, his "sensitivity" etc.  I did the same.  

But it's important to be real.  A man wanting to make it work will move mountains to see you and spend time with you, NOT sit on his ass texting you and only manage to get off his ass 4 times in 4 months to spend real time. 

I don't care what his "issues" are, these are not the actions of a man wanting to "make it work."  

I'm getting a bit wound up myself now. For you!  I've been there, experienced it.  So I'm feeling you, as they say. 

Anyway, just a gentle push into reality LF.  I think it's an important component to your healing process.  

All the best. 

I have to clarify something. You seem to be weighing a lot on the 4 times in 4 months thing. That was very legitimate. In my country there were travel restrictions due to Covid and we could not visit each other for maybe 2.5 months out of the 4. There may have been 6 weekends where we could visit each other and he travelled to me 4 out of the 6 of those. The other 2 weekends we both had something on at the weekend that we couldn't meet. Weekday visits weren't considered yet because it would practically involve sleeping over (as I would maybe be finished work and ready to meet by 8pm) and we had only slept together twice. One of the last things he suggested was travelling down midweek and driving home the next morning before I went to work. I never travelled to meet him. What does that say about me?

Yes, the initiation of physical affection was a strange one for me. I'm not sure why that was, but it was far from not being interested. I was always the one to pull away from a kiss or intimacy. I know he was a little nervous around me, but I'm sure you'll tell me I'm making excuses for him.

You're probably right and he just wasn't that into me. I was happy with the way things were until I saw an issue (him going silent had made me think about things more critically, and that's why I went on the dating app) and I talked to him about it. I just thought it was a blip. He was feeling down and insecure because of what had happened the previous weekend and made a stupid mistake. I gave him a chance because I was happy when I was with him and chose to ignore that it was an issue. I thought to myself "what if I am throwing away a potentially great relationship because he made one slip up". So I gave him a chance. More than one.

Today I caught myself thinking "what if he realises the error of his ways in a few months or year". I thought that a few times, but every time I just said to myself "he lied to you, there's no coming back from that". It made me sad, but it kept me grounded.

I've also started to think about what might have been going on behind my back. He was so adamant that he was not on the dating app the Sunday night I saw him on it and claimed it was just an hour on Monday morning. This got me thinking how he went quiet for a couple of hours Sunday night and he probably hooked up with some girl and thought if he admitted to being on the app he would be admitting his guilt. It's the only reason I can think of as to why he would deny it so strongly when it was so unimportant to the whole thing. He would not back down and it just boggled my mind.

I think emotionally I'm worse today. Stomach has gotten in knots a few times, but I'm not tearful or any way distraught. Yesterday before I spoke to him I felt so much better even though both times we were broken up. I think I ended up thinking much less of him and it was like I discovered he wasn't who I thought he was.

I don't know if seeking advice on here was a good or bad thing. I appreciate that you've all tried to help me, but every time I write a message or read a reply my mind goes into overdrive thinking about all that's going on. How does your average person deal with these issues?

[Versacehottie]

ok, so did you get the closure you wanted?

Somehow it feels like you are right back where you started....

And cannot accept reality. I hope you move on and see the positives of this story--and they are there--you just need to be real about what happened with yourself.  And not try to control everything.  It is driving people away from you. Good luck

[poppyfields]

Thanks for clarifying the 4x in 4 months but wondering why you failed to mention this previously? 

Or maybe you did, and I missed, if so, apologies.  

In any event, my opinion still stands that I saw nothing suggesting he went to great lengths to "make it work."

I think the reason why you hurt more now is because, as the saying goes, the truth hurts.  

It sounds like you are finally waking up to the fact that a large part of what you imagined your relationship to be, wasn't what it actually was.

And yeah that realization renders quite a sickening feeling, I can relate. 

Once I finally woke up, I could not eat or sleep, there were days I could barely function!  

Course our relationship lasted for years, but it doesn't matter.  

You had a dream, and the dream is dead. 

That hurts and I'm sorry. 

 

 

Edited July 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[lovesfool]

23 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

ok, so did you get the closure you wanted?

Somehow it feels like you are right back where you started....

And cannot accept reality. I hope you move on and see the positives of this story--and they are there--you just need to be real about what happened with yourself.  And not try to control everything.  It is driving people away from you. Good luck

I ended it with "you will never see me again" so I don't think there's more closure than that.

Honest question, in what way was I controlling? I didn't think I tried to take control of anything, unless you mean something different? I did want it to go in a certain direction with him i.e. not wanting to break up. Is that what you mean?

Do you think I am driving people away?

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Thanks for clarifying the 4x in 4 months but wondering why you failed to mention this previously? 

Or maybe you did, and I missed, if so, apologies.  

In any event, my opinion still stands that I saw nothing suggesting he went to great lengths to "make it work."

I think the reason why you hurt more now is because, as the saying goes, the truth hurts.  

It sounds like you are finally waking up to the fact that a large part of what you imagined your relationship to be, wasn't what it actually was.

And yeah that is quite a sickening feeling, I can relate.  Once I finally woke up, I could not eat or sleep, there were days I could not function.  

Course our relationship lasted for years, but it doesn't matter.  

You had a dream, and the dream is dead. 

That hurts and I'm sorry. 

I think I mentioned the 4 dates in 4 months before, but maybe it was in a different thread.

I may be reading too much into his messages and (what seemed to me) him putting his heart out there. He said how his heart flutters every time he got a message from me, never wanted to be in a relationship with anyone more than he does with me, didn't want to lose me etc. Maybe they're just words with no truth behind them, but I thought they were true. He could have easily abandoned this whole thing when he saw it was going under and thought it wasn't worth the effort, but he wrote all these long messages and came to see me twice to talk it through, and both times at short notice. That's why I thought he wanted to make it work. Can you blame me for thinking that at the time?

What I really think happened is that he was having doubts about us dating and then when I started doubting him he panicked and tried his hardest not to lose me, maybe through the fear of rejection. For all I know he could have been having those doubts again in a few weeks time and dumped me.

I overinvested in this relationship early on, I know that. I even remember a couple of months into "dating" him asking elsewhere whether it was wrong to be optimistic about dating someone and thinking that there may be a future ahead. I knew I was getting caught up about him, but couldn't help myself. It was because I hadn't felt like this about anyone in 7 years. I thought I had finally found someone.

I just hope this doesn't set me back another 7 years.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I know that he lied to me, but it's hard to move from a mentality where you think that you can see a serious future with a guy to one where he's an ***hole liar.

Excellent. Now delete and block him and all his people from all social media and messaging apps. You can move forward knowing you have closure.

[poppyfields]

LF, you have said "but I couldn't help myself" a few times throughout this thread.  

I am truly baffled why you feel this way? 

It almost sounds like you view yourself as some sort of victim being controlled by forces outside yourself.

Of course you can help yourself!  We all have that power within us to control our reactions and responses, to make wise choices that will render the results we want.  To "help ourselves." 

But it takes trusting yourself first before you can do that.  Trusting your own intuition, that little voice that tells you not to become so invested, not to read so much into what are essentially words on a screen before spending real time with someone and getting to know the real him versus the image you have created in your mind of who he is.

This takes time and spending real time in person together. More than 4 dates in 4 months. 

I realize covid made all this a challenge, I understand that. 

Even long standing couples are struggling with this, this new way of relating.  

I dunno what the answer is during this covid crisis, except perhaps continue interacting with men on line, but keep it fun and light, do not allow yourself to get caught up in his agenda, whatever that may be, take his words with a pinch of salt,  keep feet on ground, head out of clouds, stay real with yourself.  

Re-evaluate once covid passes and go from there. 

 

Edited July 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

LF, you have said "but I couldn't help myself" a few times throughout this thread.

I hear a lot of women on here say "they couldn't help themselves", "I'm not strong enough", "I'm too weak" and it's all bull.  The truth is they just don't want to be without these guys.  I hope women will learn to value themselves more than the men who come into their lives.  It isn't attractive to any partner to know that the other is so weak they can't be without them.  It's a turn off.

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I hear a lot of women on here say "they couldn't help themselves", "I'm not strong enough", "I'm too weak" and it's all bull.  The truth is they just don't want to be without these guys.  I hope women will learn to value themselves more than the men who come into their lives.  It isn't attractive to any partner to know that the other is so weak they can't be without them.  It's a turn off.

AMEN to that. 

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I ended it with "you will never see me again" so I don't think there's more closure than that.

Honest question, in what way was I controlling? I didn't think I tried to take control of anything, unless you mean something different? I did want it to go in a certain direction with him i.e. not wanting to break up. Is that what you mean?

Do you think I am driving people away?

*Closure was supposed to be for you to get things straight in your head.  It wasn't for telling him off. You keep hoping he will regret this or learn some lesson.  That's was it was transparent that you saying you wanted closure, ie an understanding for yourself so you could move on was not REALLY what you wanted.  You wanted to teach him a lesson and hope he has some form of regret and still do cause it has been in your posts today.  Oh, sorry and let's be real you wanted another chance with him. What understanding and period do you put on this story except for continued investment in wanting to see how it affects HIM?  Plus as I've said before you are taking this experience to reinforce certain beliefs about yourself that don't help you with future relationships and will only be fixed by some magical guy--probably the exact reason you put the guys you like on a pedestal and not see them in the reality they are giving you.  I will also point out that "you will never see me again" is a little over the top and theatrical.  It'd be one thing if you were saying that to your 10 year boyfriend that you lived with and caught in bed with someone else but you are saying that to a guy who you basically went on 4 dates with and he was doing as he pleased and you are both well aware of that; you had trouble pinning him down in every way and he was already letting you go, not begging you back, so again it's a little delusional to say something like that.

*Controlling--in basically all the ways.  All I can say is read this thread from the beginning and see where you could have just each person in the story (mainly him) be AS THE ARE and measure it up to your own personal standards and the bar you set.  I honestly think you need to work on having personal standards, among other top priorities but that one is up there.  If you reread your own thread you will see that they are quite bendy depending on what outcome you want.  It's been clear from the beginning that you wanted to hang onto him at virtually any cost. Even today you are hoping he will have some awakening, ie transparent as another chance for you.  I'm less about whatever this guy does.  Not going to make him out to be some supreme evil being, when in reality you probably played into this with your own conduct of making more of the relationship than it was.  Like someone said, personal responsibility will help you a lot moving forward.  The fact that you can't see any of your behavior as controlling is part of why I keep using the word overbearing.  I think you don't even realize the extent.  little example is you break up with him a few days ago, he basically says OK  then you force a "closure" conversation on him.  All the sh*t in your head a lot of which is irrational is playing out in your real life interactions with people like a bad movie.

*Yes, this will drive people away.  You have to meet people where they are and see things for what they are.  Apart from the fact that this is reality, it will make you far more attractive and magnetic plus you can't just WILL something to be and try sooo hard and force it. He's probably thinking like you are one of his crazy OLD stories. I'm quite sure that is how he is taking it. I could literally poll 10 of my guy friends and that is what they would say.  There aren't many guys still contributing on this thread still but ask them too.

Someone listed some of the positive things you could take from this and I could add more if I go back through--if I get a chance I will.  One very simple POSITIVE thing you could take from this experience with the statement as goofy as I find it "you will never see me again" is that you DO have a limit and you are holding to it, which is a good thing and something you should feel great about and keep working from that mindset to build upon those standards and boundaries until they are more productive and actually firm.  

 

Edited July 27, 2020 by Versacehottie

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I may be reading too much into his messages and (what seemed to me) him putting his heart out there. He said how his heart flutters every time he got a message from me, never wanted to be in a relationship with anyone more than he does with me, didn't want to lose me etc. Maybe they're just words with no truth behind them, but I thought they were true. He could have easily abandoned this whole thing when he saw it was going under and thought it wasn't worth the effort, but he wrote all these long messages and came to see me twice to talk it through, and both times at short notice. That's why I thought he wanted to make it work. Can you blame me for thinking that at the time?.

Well, yes, because you weren't looking carefully enough at actions. Words don't tell the whole story. An important lesson here is not to get swept away in fluffy words when there's little concrete action to back it up. Texting doesn't take much effort; you're putting too much weight on that. 

Also, if we're being totally honest, he essentially did abandon the whole thing. How? By not doing a lot more to keep his focus on you and not opening himself up to other options. By continuing to lie about it. Your definition of 'abandon' is different from his, but the bottom line was the same: he didn't want to close himself to other women and explore things more seriously with you. Sure, he might have kept you on his roster and kept you warm for whenever it suited him, but he abandoned the idea of an exclusive relationship with you a while ago. Unfortunately, you didn't really know that until recently. 

LF, if you're going to make positive changes, you will need to stop enabling yourself, first and foremost. You have the tendency (as demonstrated in this thread, anyway) to construct the idea of this being a  big love story and virtually refusing to accept anything that threatens to derail this idea. Even the way you talk about this final conversation (as breaking up, declaring he will never see you again, labeling him a narcissist, worrying this will set you back another 7 years) paints the picture of a woman deeply invested in the idea that this was a much deeper matter than it actually was. 

You lost all perspective on this somewhere along the way. 

[lovesfool]

19 hours ago, poppyfields said:

LF, you have said "but I couldn't help myself" a few times throughout this thread.  

I am truly baffled why you feel this way? 

It almost sounds like you view yourself as some sort of victim being controlled by forces outside yourself.

Of course you can help yourself!  We all have that power within us to control our reactions and responses, to make wise choices that will render the results we want.  To "help ourselves." 

But it takes trusting yourself first before you can do that.  Trusting your own intuition, that little voice that tells you not to become so invested, not to read so much into what are essentially words on a screen before spending real time with someone and getting to know the real him versus the image you have created in your mind of who he is.

This takes time and spending real time in person together. More than 4 dates in 4 months. 

I realize covid made all this a challenge, I understand that. 

Even long standing couples are struggling with this, this new way of relating.  

I dunno what the answer is during this covid crisis, except perhaps continue interacting with men on line, but keep it fun and light, do not allow yourself to get caught up in his agenda, whatever that may be, take his words with a pinch of salt,  keep feet on ground, head out of clouds, stay real with yourself.  

Re-evaluate once covid passes and go from there. 

 

Sorry for only quoting you poppyfields, but there's too many comments to be able to answer everyones!

When I say that I couldn't help myself, I mean I got caught up in emotions. I'm only human. Have you never made an error in judgement because of how you felt about something or someone?

Recently I have started telling myself that I would not live a life of regrets. I think if I ended things much earlier I would have second guessed myself and continually asked a lot of "what-ifs". Now all my "what-ifs" have been answered. I know now that this could not have played out in any other way than a breakup.

For those of you with the strength to end things sooner rather than later, how do you overcome that small bit of doubt? How do you convince yourself that it's the right decision? I know you should look at the facts as they are in front of you, but even then you can't be 100% certain of what's really going on.

I think the biggest feeling I have right now is disappointment. I'm disappointed that it didn't work out, but it's for the best. I'm also disappointed in how he treated me, but I need to forget about that and stop caring because he needs to become a stranger to me. That will take time, but I know I'll be fine eventually.

I have read in a number of places that you should allow yourself some time to feel what you're feeling and don't just hide your emotions. I'm not very good at embracing my emotions generally (despite what it seems on these forums, I'm very reserved in person) and this is one of my few outlets. Sorry for annoying so many of you.