Caught him on dating app

[ExpatInItaly]

39 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

For those of you with the strength to end things sooner rather than later, how do you overcome that small bit of doubt? How do you convince yourself that it's the right decision? I know you should look at the facts as they are in front of you, but even then you can't be 100% certain of what's really going on.

I have learned to trust my instincts, and not let small doubts over-ride larger concerns. As such, it hasn't been a matter of convincing myself. It's simply been that for whatever reason, I wanted to leave more than I wanted to stay. 

Also, fear of not finding someone else has become less important to me over the years. I am in a long-term relationship now, but when my previous one ended, I wasn't afraid of not eventually moving on to someone else. I trusted that I would, when I was ready for it. 

[lovesfool]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I have learned to trust my instincts, and not let small doubts over-ride larger concerns. As such, it hasn't been a matter of convincing myself. It's simply been that for whatever reason, I wanted to leave more than I wanted to stay. 

Also, fear of not finding someone else has become less important to me over the years. I am in a long-term relationship now, but when my previous one ended, I wasn't afraid of not eventually moving on to someone else. I trusted that I would, when I was ready for it. 

I think my problem was that I didn't see any larger concerns until I discovered he was on the dating app. Then when I looked back on his actions I was telling myself that the things I noticed weren't really issues because I didn't notice them before and was only creating a narrative to match this apparently "new" behavior.

I do wonder what would have happened if he did ask me to become official that night. I may never have gotten the doubts which caused me to look for him on the dating apps. He may have gotten away with doing it behind my back for a long time into the future. I need to look at this as a blessing that he showed his true colors early.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I do wonder what would have happened if he did ask me to become official that night. I may never have gotten the doubts which caused me to look for him on the dating apps. He may have gotten away with doing it behind my back for a long time into the future. I need to look at this as a blessing that he showed his true colors early.

Yes, and keep in mind that the might be blowing more hot air claiming he was going to ask you to be exclusive. This guy seems to know the "right" things to say to keep a woman hooked (for as long as it suits him) and that was probably one of them. He isn't a very sincere person so I wouldn't assume that assertion was any different. 

 

 

[lovesfool]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, and keep in mind that the might be blowing more hot air claiming he was going to ask you to be exclusive. This guy seems to know the "right" things to say to keep a woman hooked (for as long as it suits him) and that was probably one of them. He isn't a very sincere person so I wouldn't assume that assertion was any different. 

You're probably right.

There are a list of things I could attribute to him as negative traits that I overlooked before.

Every time I think of him (which is any moment I'm not busy these past few days) I feel sad but then immediately tell myself he lied and he wasn't all that great. I know this is factually correct, but it's hard to convince my emotions of the same thing. I get caught up in all the "what could have been" scenarios. I think the fact that it was such a short "relationship" has made it worse because I was still in the honeymoon phase where you're blissfully ignorant of their bad behaviors.

I just hope that this doesn't last long and I can move on and start dating again in a few weeks. I don't want this to set me back for no good reason.

[stillafool]

On 7/27/2020 at 8:59 AM, lovesfool said:

It feels so wrong that things ended because we both were crazy about each other.

If this were true he wouldn't have been able to keep his hands and lips off of you.  He would have rushed to make you his girl.  There would be no wondering on your part.  Please remember this for future guys you date.  No guy is too shy to do this when he's with a girl he wants to make his own.

[hippychick3]

6 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I just hope that this doesn't last long and I can move on and start dating again in a few weeks. I don't want this to set me back for no good reason.

This is totally up to you. You get to decide when you can move on and whether or not this will set you back. Mindset is critical. 

[Wiseman2]

You'll be fine. 4 mos is a good time to cut your losses when you see red flag s like that.

Take it slowly don't strive for blind bliss. That's as bad as beer goggles. Enjoy the fun but keep your feet on the ground. Romantic disappointment happens.

[kendahke]

19 hours ago, lovesfool said:

how do you overcome that small bit of doubt? How do you convince yourself that it's the right decision?

By trusting my judgement.  Periodt.

By not expecting or giving devotion without having spent significant time with them IN PERSON in order to read their body language and facial expressions --whether they're look me in the eye when they say what they say--and feel their overall mood/energy they're giving off.

By not building artificial constructs around who I want someone to be and then investing everything I am in that lie.

By not rewriting the narrative that is falling out in experience at my feet so I can be good with selling myself out.

By putting peace of mind, home and heart above all other things and NEVER allowing anyone to disturb that no matter how much I wished that they would be the person I'd built them up to be in my imagination.

By learning that if it's meant to be, they will make the fundamental shifts that they need to make to come correctly OF THEIR OWN VOLITION. That means not creating false accounts to try to trap them--because all that does is put on display that one is not mentally stable if they're doing that; and that they can't take not getting their way with someone who isn't even checking for them like that. That does more to turn them off than anything else. 

By understanding that not everything is meant to be, no matter what your gonads were telling you.  The amount of unhappy people in miserable relationships is a testament to that.

Edited July 29, 2020 by kendahke

[Gaeta]

6 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Every time I think of him (which is any moment I'm not busy these past few days) I feel sad

See, when we meet someone online we only get to see some of their best sides, and our brain compensate for the rest of the information unavailable to us, and it compensates always with positive images 'all created by the brain'. It's really hard to deprogram our brain from a beautiful world it created and then made us addicted to it. You were so into this 'vision of him' that your brain created pathways all heading toward him. Now he's not there anymore so your brain still look for their old pathways but it's not there. Now your brain needs to create new pathways without him and YOU can help your brain do that by refocusing your attention on something else each time he pops up in your head. 

 

Edited July 29, 2020 by Gaeta

[poppyfields]

22 minutes ago, kendahke said:

By trusting my judgement.  Periodt.

By not expecting or giving devotion without having spent significant time with them IN PERSON in order to read their body language and facial expressions --whether they're look me in the eye when they say what they say--and feel their overall mood/energy they're giving off.

By not building artificial constructs around who I want someone to be and then investing everything I am in that lie.

By not rewriting the narrative that is falling out in experience at my feet so I can be good with selling myself out.

By putting peace of mind, home and heart above all other things and NEVER allowing anyone to disturb that no matter how much I wished that they would be the person I'd built them up to be in my imagination.

By learning that if it's meant to be, they will make the fundamental shifts that they need to make to come correctly OF THEIR OWN VOLITION. That means not creating false accounts to try to trap them--because all that does is put on display that one is not mentally stable if they're doing that; and that they can't take not getting their way with someone who isn't even checking for them like that. That does more to turn them off than anything else. 

By understanding that not everything is meant to be, no matter what your gonads were telling you.  The amount of unhappy people in miserable relationships is a testament to that.

^^Another cut and paste to fridge.

I'm serious LF, are you saving these posts? 

Read them like affirmations cause it's easy to forget when, as you said, you get caught up in emotion.

I especially love the one about "rewriting the narrative."   I used to be an expert at that!   The story you are telling yourself that you had this great connection, that you were crazy about each other. 

No, you were crazy about him, he had another agenda, clearly. 

Not saying he didn't like you but if he had envisioned what you were envisioning  - long term committed - he would (1) have made effort to see you more often than 4 times in 4 months (you mentioned covid but that obviously didn't prevent him from seeing you those 4 times which he "would" have *If* he wanted to), (2) he would have been physically affectionate with you without you initiating first, (3) he would not have been skulking around on the dating sites among other things men do when they are "crazy" about a woman. 

I think this is where the disconnect lies.  You not accepting that this was not some grand love story, and he simply was not as "crazy" for you as you were for him.

It involves changing your narrative.  And accepting the reality of the situation. 

Yes it will hurt like hell, acceptance is hard!  It's why we change the narrative and tell ourselves stories, so it will hurt less.

But all it really does is keep you stuck and prevents you from moving on in your heart.

Edited July 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[kendahke]

As a rule of thumb, by the 4 month mark in any new relationship, this is the time when the "on their best behavior" representatives who have been in charge, making the good initial impression, start being dismissed and the "real him/real you" start coming to the fore.  This is usually the time when the incompatibilities begin rearing their ugly heads.  Time and time again on these boards, people come in complaining about their relationships and 9 times out of 10, they're at the 3-6 month mark--when weak foundation relationships begin failing. The people they're used to being and are wired to be eventually reanimate and if you're not down with how they're treating you, it's not going to last--because people can only be who they are, not who you want for them to be.

You MUST live in the present, not in the future, when it comes to fledgling relationships.

The gentleman I've been seeing since March and I  have taken things glacially, mainly because of CV19, and I have to say that while I hate this virus with my entire being, I am grateful for it forcing us to put on the brakes and let this develop organically.  We're smack dab in the middle of the 3-6 and we're getting closer, emotionally, as time goes on.  He confided in me a very painful aspect of his life, which I was grateful that he trusted me with that information and that he opened himself up to me like that.  Also as time has gone on, I can see his ease with me increasing and he laughs more at my lame jokes, ;D

Had we gone gangbusters like we were in our 30's, chances are we'd have had sex and dropped it... but thank god for getting older and being in our 60's... because I know I"m going to be good if this doesn't work out because up until March, I was good--still am good, will continue to be good because I can fill what's missing in my life with my friendships and interests and hobbies.

You have to learn to trust the process and be good while waiting.

Edited July 29, 2020 by kendahke

[lovesfool]

A lot of good advice for helping in my next venture. Unfortunately it won't help me right now in this moment, but may prevent this feeling in the future.

I had a bit of a bad day today. My friend asked me if I saw his Instagram post, but it never came up for me. She told me that he posted the following motivational quote:

"You are allowed to start over. You are never required to remain stuck or stagnant. The journey is yours to reset whenever you feel like it." followed by his own message at the bottom saying "I needed to hear that today".

I felt so sad when I heard this. It was gut wrenching. I think it's because it's so final and he knows it as well. I know I got the closure I was looking for so that I wouldn't be asking myself "what ifs" or "maybe there's a chance", but when I know there's no possibility of a second chance it hits much harder. It will hopefully help me get over him much quicker, but  it's hard to ignore the pain.

My heart wants to say that he might mature in 6 months, a year and realize his mistakes, but my mind cuts that down straight away saying that I just can't hold out hope that he will be a different person. I focus in on his negatives and am keeping myself busy, but it's not really helping. It's the brief moments where my mind wanders and he creeps in straight away.

I also went to check the Instagram story for myself and realized he has hidden them from me. I don't know if it was because of that one post he made, or if it's permanent. But I can see he is trying to move on from the words of his post, and I need to do the same. I need to remove him from social media, but I am finding it so hard to delete him when I still have feelings for him. I know it's not helping, but I feel like I need to indulge in this for a few days more before truly cutting ties, like a mourning period. People say you need to feel what you feel after a breakup and don't hide your emotions, but I don't know for how long. Even after I delete him I don't know how I will stop myself from visiting his social media. They're public and all it takes is a quick google.

Sorry if this is turning into a breakup thread. If it needs to move to another forum, or for me to create another thread please let me know.

[ExpatInItaly]

Ask you friend to please be a better friend and not mention his social media activity again. 

[poppyfields]

LF, I don't mean to sound heartless, but he sounds like a huge manipulator.

He knew that IG post would get back to you.  All this sounds so melodramatic, no wonder you got so caught up in it!

Please see the situation and this bozo for who he is.  Not who you have imagined him to be, please! 

He had four freakin months to make an effort with you, to make a relationship happen and he did nothing! 

Texting fluffy words and crying don't count. 

And now he's posting BS sentimental crap on social media?  Acting like the "wounded" party?  

Guys like him make me sick, literally, I feel like throwing up.

[lovesfool]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

LF, I don't mean to sound heartless, but he sounds like a huge manipulator.

He knew that IG post would get back to you.  All this sounds so melodramatic, no wonder you got so caught up in it!

Please see the situation and this bozo for who he is.  Not who you have imagined him to be, please! 

He had four freakin months to make an effort with you, to make a relationship happen and he did nothing! 

Texting fluffy words and crying don't count. 

And now he's posting BS sentimental crap on social media?  Acting like the "wounded" party?  

Guys like him make me sick, literally, I feel like throwing up.

I know anything I say in his "defense" will be met with you thinking I'm being blind, but can I please say the facts before you judge me?

• He blocked me on Instagram so that I wouldn't see the story.
• My friend doesn't follow him on Instagram, nor does he know her. She just searched for his account.

The post just made me sad and I truly don't believe he thought I would see it. I wouldn't give him the credit for being that clever as he doesn't seem to know who can and can't see him on certain apps!

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I know anything I say in his "defense" will be met with you thinking I'm being blind, but can I please say the facts before you judge me?

• He blocked me on Instagram so that I wouldn't see the story.
• My friend doesn't follow him on Instagram, nor does he know her. She just searched for his account.

The post just made me sad and I truly don't believe he thought I would see it. I wouldn't give him the credit for being that clever as he doesn't seem to know who can and can't see him on certain apps!

I'm not judging you LF.  Read my post again, I am judging HIM.  And said I didn't blame you for falling for his melodramatic BS.

Do not care that he blocked you, he KNEW you would hear about it, he's not stupid. 

And him blocking you is just another mind f*ck.

I know guys like him, I've dated guys like him.

Guy is a loser afraid of own shadow. He's a coward and weak.  The exact opposite of what you're imagining him to be.

Bottom line, again he had four freakin months to make something happen and did nothing.  Zip, zero, nada.  

And now this BS on social media, sorry not buying it and neither should you.

You shouldn't be spending one second of your precious energy feeling sad or bad over this guy.

He's not, trust me on that.  It's all manipulative bull crap. Most of what folks post on SM is.

Hopefully one day you will see that too.  

 

Edited July 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[JRabbit]

25 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I know anything I say in his "defense" will be met with you thinking I'm being blind, but can I please say the facts before you judge me?

• He blocked me on Instagram so that I wouldn't see the story.
• My friend doesn't follow him on Instagram, nor does he know her. She just searched for his account.

The post just made me sad and I truly don't believe he thought I would see it. I wouldn't give him the credit for being that clever as he doesn't seem to know who can and can't see him on certain apps!

Except hes public right? So anyone can view that story through a third party app.  He knew you would read it. Listen to PF.  You want so bad for him to be something he isn't. Why not go find yourself someone who IS who you want them to be?

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

My friend asked me if I saw his Instagram post, but it never came up for me. She told me that he posted the following motivational quote:

My friend doesn't follow him on Instagram, nor does he know her. She just searched for his account.

She went there to stir up trouble. She was meddling where she had no business.

Tell you friend to stop telling on him to you.. You're trying to get over the disappointment and her bringing his mess to you does not help you in getting on with your life. If she truly cares about you and your mental/emotional well being, she will apologize and stop doing this. It's cruel and self-serving on her part.

Edited July 29, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

He blocked me on Instagram so that I wouldn't see the story.

I'm curious, though--what made her think that was aimed at you if this was the case?  It could very well have been aimed at someone else he'd be spending more time with where he lives...

Edited July 29, 2020 by kendahke

[lovesfool]

I know I need to get myself in your mindset where I think everything he does is selfish and he is only doing it out of his own self interest.

Could some things he said or did be genuine? Maybe, and I don't think anyone can say for sure it's not, but it won't help me if I think there's an ounce of niceness in him. It's just hard to change this perception I've built up, but it's early days yet.

[poppyfields]

I actually don't think his story was aimed at anyone.

Or it could have been aimed at several women he's talking to. 

It's all a manipulation via SM, and anyone can read into it however they want.  

Which was precisely his intention.

It's so common, it's one reason I deleted my SM accounts.  So did my bf.  

It's all BS as far as I'm concerned.

 

Edited July 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[balletomane]

On 7/28/2020 at 7:44 PM, lovesfool said:

I think my problem was that I didn't see any larger concerns until I discovered he was on the dating app. Then when I looked back on his actions I was telling myself that the things I noticed weren't really issues because I didn't notice them before and was only creating a narrative to match this apparently "new" behavior.

You had big enough doubts to go on the app looking for him. This isn't typical behaviour when you feel that you are on the same page as the other person. If you think about it rationally, deep down you've known that he and you had different expectations and hopes for a long time.

Was it a friend who looked him up on IG, or did you do it/ask the friend to do it? I ask because a few poster here have looked up exes on social media and said their info came from friends, before admitting they'd done it themselves. It's pretty common. I'm having a hard time understanding why your friend would be invested in seeing what this man posts online, but it makes perfect sense that you would be.

Either way, you need to stop feeding the obsessive thinking. Tell your friends you don't want to hear updates on him. Rip the Band-Aid off and remove him from social media. If you don't, you will prolong the pain. Either you'll be upset when you realise he's blocked or unfriended you, or you'll be upset at the signs he's moving on. You'll end up analysing and parsing every post for signs. It's in your power to spare yourself that.

[kendahke]

9 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

Could some things he said or did be genuine?

Of course---they could also genuinely not be meant for you, since you're on his blocked list.

[Versacehottie]

11 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I know I need to get myself in your mindset where I think everything he does is selfish and he is only doing it out of his own self interest.

Could some things he said or did be genuine? Maybe, and I don't think anyone can say for sure it's not, but it won't help me if I think there's an ounce of niceness in him. It's just hard to change this perception I've built up, but it's early days yet.

Wrong! You need to stop focusing on HIM.  Is your own life so dull and uninspiring that you cannot focus on yourself and day to day future & bigger plans?  That's what you need to do.  if it is dull and inspiring figure out how to make it not so

And your distraction has to be things that genuinely improve you & fulfill you--even in little ways. Perhaps nothing to do with guys. Maybe just friends and family. Think baby steps.

And yes of course some of what he did is genuine but you are prone to BLACK AND WHITE thinking as well as getting overly attached and that's a huge problem.  First, if it is shades of grey, it doesn't mean that he is any more right for you or that you don't still need to face reality that it's run it's course.  Stop feeding the perception that there was more there & reading into social media posts.  In the meantime, don't look at them--sounds like you are blocked for sure & your friends don't need to give you updates.  You need to make yourself the star of your own story not him.  If anything, this should be a huge relief and new freedom to do or be with whoever & yet you are clinging to the negatives and doing a whoa is me.  This is a big part of why I am saying you need therapy.  Hallmarks. 

Edited July 29, 2020 by Versacehottie

[poppyfields]

22 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Of course---they could also genuinely not be meant for you, since you're on his blocked list.

Great point.

I know you don't want to hear this LF, but he was most likely chatting/interacting  with several  women while interacting with you.   Please don't kid yourself about that.

Like I said, I know guys like him from my group therapy and they admitted doing shyt like this.  And they love long distance, they seek women out long distance. 

It's a built in, ready made excuse to maintain distance and end things when things start getting sticky or as  Versache said, run their course.  Which this did.  

Juggling several is also a huge ego boost for their weak, insecure selves. 

That's why he only managed to see you 4 times in 4 months.  And why he was skulking around on the apps and lying about it. 

Common sense really. 

 

Edited July 29, 2020 by poppyfields