Caught him on dating app

[lovesfool]

And I've messaged him pretending to be someone else (I haven't sent a photo). I don't know if this is a road I should go down, but I can't help it.

[Gaeta]

14 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

Some not so great news. He's back on the app. 😔

I don't think I'll get to see him for another while to talk to him about this. I'm thinking I will just message him and be done with it. Otherwise it's going to distract me all week.

You were encouraging communication so do so and here is how. Bring up exclusivity yourself. Don't mention the dating app. Tell him you've been having a great time dating him and at this point you'd like to date exclusively ........and listen to what he says. 

Edited July 19, 2020 by Gaeta

[ExpatInItaly]

Remember to listen to your instincts in the future, OP. They were right on the money here. 

When you’re resorting to making up fake profiles to ensnare someone, it’s time to just let him go.

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

And I've messaged him pretending to be someone else (I haven't sent a photo). I don't know if this is a road I should go down, but I can't help it.

No it's not the way to go. 

You excused him again and again claiming he's new to relationship so take the lead and ask for exclusivity. You'll get your answer. When a woman wants to date a man that is clueless about dating she has to be willing to lead all the way.

[Bluesky00]

He’s probably looking for new friends. No need to worry about it

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

There seems to be a theme here that if a man makes a mistake he needs to be dumped. Can't he just be stupid? 😂

I agree, that this is often a theme here.  And i don't say unequivocally dump him that often, I probably often take the other position of "talk to him" sooooo if I'm saying it in this case, it's probably not a good sign.  

I'm 80% for dumping him.  He also is not in a rush to see you and willing to put it off until the following weekend and so on, that sounds like a guy who has other things going on, other priorities, perhaps hopes for other girls.  I also think you want this to be more than he's so far agreed to so you should at least get on the same page with each other.

I actually think that a lot of what kendake and I were saying is similar (which makes sense as we very often agree): he probably thinks 2 hour distance is too much, is young and wants to be free to do his thing and get some "experience" where he is--which I absolutely agree with and said that.  I can't remember what she said to do though--was it leave it be?  Yeah that's a good choice as well. because you will maybe need to step back and realize you guys aren't as serious as you thought you were and if you can manage yourself with this bubbling under the surface, that is an excellent choice too.  Most people can't manage themselves though and you've kept the app on (probably to spy on him, let's be real) soooooo.

I don't think you necessarily need to break up with him, talk to him OR do nothing.  The bottom line is trusting him or believing you are in a serious relationship is in question.  What you DO might not really change the outcome of this.  If you think that one of us can give you the perfect solution so you get to keep this guy in your life as a boyfriend you think he is, no one can guarantee a strategy that will do that.  He's part of the equation as well and his real motives or commitment to this thing with you will come out over time.  I think you need to be true to yourself.  Right now you seem determined to hang onto him.  So in that case, my rec would be either to talk to him honestly or say nothing and get over it and chalk his transgression up to inexperience and trust that he will do what he says and progress with you. 

Edited July 19, 2020 by Versacehottie

[poppyfields]

LF, the first time was stupid.

But then you told him about feeling unsure if he is looking for serious, so he deleted.  

Now he's back on again. 

Not stupid. 

Sleazy.

 

 

[lovesfool]

28 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

LF, the first time was stupid.

But then you told him about feeling unsure if he is looking for serious, so he deleted.  

Now he's back on again. 

Not stupid. 

Sleazy.

You seem to have give very reasoned advice and hearing you say this is very disheartening. It's very hard to disagree with you.

I am really heartbroken about this. I've been dating for 10 years and have only been in two "serious" relationships lasting only a few months. Finally I thought I found the one because we clicked on so many levels and he seemed to really like me, and I think he still does. He was telling his friends about me and we were planning on meeting each of ours, making all the ffor of travelling to see me. He may like me, but it sounds like he's not ready to be in a relationship right now.

I think I'll tell him I'm not after something casual and end it. Maybe he'll grow up in a few years.

[lovesfool]

By the way, what would be the best way to phrase it without mentioning that I saw him on a dating app?

If I say that I think we should end things but without giving a clear reason, it'll just confuse him. I'd rather be upfront and honest, but without seeming like I'm stalking him online.

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, lovesfool said:

And I've messaged him pretending to be someone else (I haven't sent a photo). I don't know if this is a road I should go down, but I can't help it.

Why can't you help it?  Just accept what is and move on or otherwise do as you were going to do before and ask him.  Please stop the snooping on him and pretending to be someone else.  It isn't helping you and it's a bit silly.

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

By the way, what would be the best way to phrase it without mentioning that I saw him on a dating app?

If I say that I think we should end things but without giving a clear reason, it'll just confuse him. I'd rather be upfront and honest, but without seeming like I'm stalking him online.

You have a misconception of what communication is. It's not about telling someone what they're doing wrong and how they should be doing it. Communication is about expressing how YOU FEEL. Tell this man you are ready to date exclusively because it's true!! and then listen. You kept saying for 3 pages he has no experience then take the lead and lead him. Maybe some bozzo on the Internet told him to stay online untill you request exclusivity, we hear this type of non sense on here often. Maybe that's all he's been waiting to hear and he'll delete his profile and you'll head toward the sun down and be happy forever. 

 

 

[lovesfool]

Turns out he was having doubts if the relationship could work because of the distance. I never got to mention seeing him on the dating app.

I told him if he thought the distance was an issue then he wasn't really committed. He said his head is in a funny place right now and that he really likes me, but is just unsure if it'll work out. Probably explains (but not excuse) why he was checking out who else is around.

I said if he's not that into it, then there's no point in continuing. I said I would let him have a think, but I don't think I'll continue it even if he says he wants to make it work. 

[kendahke]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

By the way, what would be the best way to phrase it without mentioning that I saw him on a dating app?

You're grown. Mention that you saw him on the dating app. That is your truth. Stand in it and take your butt whippin' for your truth.

He's grown--he either defends what he did or he apologizes. That's his truth. He stands in it and should take his butt whippin' for his truth.

Children try to get out of taking responsibility for their actions, not adults.

[kendahke]

Quote

 Turns out he was having doubts if the relationship could work because of the distance. I never got to mention seeing him on the dating app.

I told him if he thought the distance was an issue then he wasn't really committed. He said his head is in a funny place right now and that he really likes me, but is just unsure if it'll work out. Probably explains (but not excuse) why he was checking out who else is around.

 22 hours ago, kendahke said:

Here's the deal: he's probably thinking that a 2 hour/closed border entanglement is more than he's really willing to undertake right now and it's easier to find someone who lives closer to him than it is to be constantly frustrated with someone who is logistically unavailable, especially if he's saying:

Quote

he wasn't feeling himself this week.

That was his nice way of telling you this long distance stuff isn't for him.

He closed down his account because he gleaned that you are checking up on him.  If he wants to find NSA sex within 15 minutes of where he lives, he'll just use a different name and make sure to block you from seeing his profile.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He really played himself out.

 

 

 

 

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

Turns out he was having doubts if the relationship could work because of the distance. I never got to mention seeing him on the dating app.

I told him if he thought the distance was an issue then he wasn't really committed. He said his head is in a funny place right now and that he really likes me, but is just unsure if it'll work out. Probably explains (but not excuse) why he was checking out who else is around.

I said if he's not that into it, then there's no point in continuing. I said I would let him have a think, but I don't think I'll continue it even if he says he wants to make it work. 

Put your energy in someone else, someone local if possible. 

*his head is in a funny place* - and *the distance being an issue*  - is the same as I am not that into you. No one knows if it's gonna work out after 4 week, we don't even know if it's gonna work out after 3 months or even 6 months. All these are excuses to tell you he's not that into you and he's wanting to play the field. 

Edited July 19, 2020 by Gaeta

[kendahke]

11 hours ago, lovesfool said:

This is very different to kendache's advice!

Actually Versace and I are saying the same thing--she worded hers less directly.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

Turns out he was having doubts if the relationship could work because of the distance. I never got to mention seeing him on the dating app.

I told him if he thought the distance was an issue then he wasn't really committed. He said his head is in a funny place right now and that he really likes me, but is just unsure if it'll work out. Probably explains (but not excuse) why he was checking out who else is around.

I said if he's not that into it, then there's no point in continuing. I said I would let him have a think, but I don't think I'll continue it even if he says he wants to make it work. 

So you did go ahead and contact him after all?  If he said he isn't sure if it'll work out I think that was his way of letting you go softly to not hurt your feelings.  I wouldn't have asked him to do more thinking about it because it's over.

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, kendahke said:

Actually Versace and I are saying the same thing--she worded hers less directly.

lol, we often do ❤️

[Versacehottie]

oops i missed the whole part where you sent him a message pretending to be someone else. Yikes.  I mean how low does one have to go to make it worth it?  You are not getting a straight answer from him and the distance will never grow your trust, especially combined with all these situations.

Now that you've discussed it, notice that each of you had a chance to 'fess up but he didn't either.  He skirted around the issue and wasn't direct with you.  He's treating you as back up which is the reason he "was" hanging in there & because of the distance it's a built in reason to stall and do as he likes.

I hope you don't string yourself along--cause at this point that is what you would be doing from now on.

Try to date someone local & have fun!  Dating especially at the beginning like this should be so stressful and full of distrust.  Good luck

Edited July 20, 2020 by Versacehottie

[regine_phalange]

Honestly, that must be very stressful to deal with, you deserve better. You can just tell him the truth. That you were interested in something more, and checked the app to see if he;s still there, and you saw him there. And that you don't want to deal with this. And best of luck for his future. 

[lovesfool]

Thanks everyone for the advice.

I just wanted so hard for this to work out. I've had a terrible dating life and I did think to myself that this was my last chance at finding someone (I'm in a small town and options are very limited). He seemed to really like me and I really liked him, talking about doing things together, meeting friends and family, it all sounded positive.

I don't know where it went wrong. I have been playing the timeline through my head ever since.

This time last week he came to visit and was going to ask to become official, but he chickened out. He actually said it was because I said something that suggested I wasn't ready to be officially boyfriend and girlfriend. He goes quiet after this and I see him on a dating app 4 days later.

I asked him if he was committed to something serious or was he looking for something more casual because of some of his behaviour. I told him I wanted to see him more and was the long distance (1.5-2 hours) going to be an issue for him. He said he would make the effort to see me more. After that, he deletes his dating account. Everything seemed fine for the couple of days after, with him messaging me and being his usual self. Checking in when I hadn't messaged in a while etc.

Then yesterday I see him on it again and know he is actively talking to girls on it. I rang him to confront him (but didn't get to mention the apps), but then he tells me he is having doubts about the long distance and how it would work in the long-term. This was a surprise to me as I didn't think it was an issue at all. I said if it was going to be an issue for him, we should just end it. I talked about ending it a few times, but each time he hesitated and said that he really likes me, wants to spend time with me but he's not sure what to think ever since I raised the long-distance question. He said he needs time to think and is going to talk to me later today.

In my opinion I think that the 2 hour distance and only seeing each other every 2 weeks at best has him thinking that we are only in the early stages of dating and that he needs to keep his options open. I know that when I was dating someone I would still be on the apps for a while. The only problem here is that I thought we were on the same page and felt more committed to each other that we didn't need to keep our options open.

Two things can happen from chatting to him later. Either he says the distance is a problem and it won't work or else he says that he wants to continue and will make it work. If it's the former, that's that and I will say no more. If it's the latter, I honestly don't know what to do. If I decided to try work on it, I would have to mention being exclusive and how I saw him on the dating app actively looking for someone else, just to gauge his reaction. 

I know a lot of you will tell me he's not worth it, but he feels worth it to me. But it comes down to whether I think he's actually invested in me. Time and time again I've found fault with otherwise great men. Every relationship I've had, there has been something that I keep overthinking about and decide to end it. It's mostly due to these damn dating apps and seeing guys still active on it. I truly think ignorance is bliss because I know from now on I will be checking in on every guy I date to see if he's on the apps.

I get the feeling that all guys are like this and I'll end up breaking up with them all. I just can't win.

[Velvet teddy]

4 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Thanks everyone for the advice.

I just wanted so hard for this to work out. I've had a terrible dating life and I did think to myself that this was my last chance at finding someone (I'm in a small town and options are very limited). He seemed to really like me and I really liked him, talking about doing things together, meeting friends and family, it all sounded positive.

I don't know where it went wrong. I have been playing the timeline through my head ever since.

This time last week he came to visit and was going to ask to become official, but he chickened out. He actually said it was because I said something that suggested I wasn't ready to be officially boyfriend and girlfriend. He goes quiet after this and I see him on a dating app 4 days later.

I asked him if he was committed to something serious or was he looking for something more casual because of some of his behaviour. I told him I wanted to see him more and was the long distance (1.5-2 hours) going to be an issue for him. He said he would make the effort to see me more. After that, he deletes his dating account. Everything seemed fine for the couple of days after, with him messaging me and being his usual self. Checking in when I hadn't messaged in a while etc.

Then yesterday I see him on it again and know he is actively talking to girls on it. I rang him to confront him (but didn't get to mention the apps), but then he tells me he is having doubts about the long distance and how it would work in the long-term. This was a surprise to me as I didn't think it was an issue at all. I said if it was going to be an issue for him, we should just end it. I talked about ending it a few times, but each time he hesitated and said that he really likes me, wants to spend time with me but he's not sure what to think ever since I raised the long-distance question. He said he needs time to think and is going to talk to me later today.

In my opinion I think that the 2 hour distance and only seeing each other every 2 weeks at best has him thinking that we are only in the early stages of dating and that he needs to keep his options open. I know that when I was dating someone I would still be on the apps for a while. The only problem here is that I thought we were on the same page and felt more committed to each other that we didn't need to keep our options open.

Two things can happen from chatting to him later. Either he says the distance is a problem and it won't work or else he says that he wants to continue and will make it work. If it's the former, that's that and I will say no more. If it's the latter, I honestly don't know what to do. If I decided to try work on it, I would have to mention being exclusive and how I saw him on the dating app actively looking for someone else, just to gauge his reaction. 

I know a lot of you will tell me he's not worth it, but he feels worth it to me. But it comes down to whether I think he's actually invested in me. Time and time again I've found fault with otherwise great men. Every relationship I've had, there has been something that I keep overthinking about and decide to end it. It's mostly due to these damn dating apps and seeing guys still active on it. I truly think ignorance is bliss because I know from now on I will be checking in on every guy I date to see if he's on the apps.

I get the feeling that all guys are like this and I'll end up breaking up with them all. I just can't win.

If he says he wants to continue and try to make it work. I would say thanks but no thanks. 

You shouldn't have to try so hard to keep someone in your life.

If you go down this road, at some point he will be curious about other options all over again.

Its pointless to keep going over what happened in the past in your mind. As your reality is quite different now. He didnt keep up the committed behaviour.

Let it go and find a man who wants you and does not have doubts.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

The right guy for you isn't going to give you so many reasons to question him and his interest, OP. 

This thread and your last threads about him are more than enough indication that he's not the one for you. 

[Mystery4u]

4 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Thanks everyone for the advice.

I just wanted so hard for this to work out. I've had a terrible dating life and I did think to myself that this was my last chance at finding someone (I'm in a small town and options are very limited). He seemed to really like me and I really liked him, talking about doing things together, meeting friends and family, it all sounded positive.

I don't know where it went wrong. I have been playing the timeline through my head ever since.

This time last week he came to visit and was going to ask to become official, but he chickened out. He actually said it was because I said something that suggested I wasn't ready to be officially boyfriend and girlfriend. He goes quiet after this and I see him on a dating app 4 days later.

I asked him if he was committed to something serious or was he looking for something more casual because of some of his behaviour. I told him I wanted to see him more and was the long distance (1.5-2 hours) going to be an issue for him. He said he would make the effort to see me more. After that, he deletes his dating account. Everything seemed fine for the couple of days after, with him messaging me and being his usual self. Checking in when I hadn't messaged in a while etc.

Then yesterday I see him on it again and know he is actively talking to girls on it. I rang him to confront him (but didn't get to mention the apps), but then he tells me he is having doubts about the long distance and how it would work in the long-term. This was a surprise to me as I didn't think it was an issue at all. I said if it was going to be an issue for him, we should just end it. I talked about ending it a few times, but each time he hesitated and said that he really likes me, wants to spend time with me but he's not sure what to think ever since I raised the long-distance question. He said he needs time to think and is going to talk to me later today.

In my opinion I think that the 2 hour distance and only seeing each other every 2 weeks at best has him thinking that we are only in the early stages of dating and that he needs to keep his options open. I know that when I was dating someone I would still be on the apps for a while. The only problem here is that I thought we were on the same page and felt more committed to each other that we didn't need to keep our options open.

Two things can happen from chatting to him later. Either he says the distance is a problem and it won't work or else he says that he wants to continue and will make it work. If it's the former, that's that and I will say no more. If it's the latter, I honestly don't know what to do. If I decided to try work on it, I would have to mention being exclusive and how I saw him on the dating app actively looking for someone else, just to gauge his reaction. 

I know a lot of you will tell me he's not worth it, but he feels worth it to me. But it comes down to whether I think he's actually invested in me. Time and time again I've found fault with otherwise great men. Every relationship I've had, there has been something that I keep overthinking about and decide to end it. It's mostly due to these damn dating apps and seeing guys still active on it. I truly think ignorance is bliss because I know from now on I will be checking in on every guy I date to see if he's on the apps.

I get the feeling that all guys are like this and I'll end up breaking up with them all. I just can't win.

1.5 - 2 hours is not long distance.

All he has is excuses, which all show one thing - he does not want to be with you.

When a man wants to be with you, the last thing he will be doing is going back on apps. And such a small distance between you would not even come into the equation.

Find someone who appreciates you for you, it's not him.

[lovesfool]

He messaged me today saying that he's sorry for even asking to think about it. He said he is a worrier and got nervous when we were chatting (it was an unexpected call). He put his heart on his sleeve and went on to say how great I am and what he would do to make it work.

I kind of wish he hadn't said all that because now I'm questioning whether to try make this work or not. I've no doubt that he really likes me, but he is also has a big ego that he seems to be feeding with dating apps.

I seem to keep making excuses for him and that it was all because we only saw each other 4 times and it felt casual, or he was bored, or he was having his own doubts. It's just so easy to log onto a dating app to chat to someone when you're bored. It's whether I think it's a sign that he's invested in me and this relationship. My gut says he is, but some of the evidence suggests otherwise.

Is this something that can ever be forgiven or even talked about? Is there any point talking it through, or even if we took a break until he matured and figured out what he wants?