Caught him on dating app

[Versacehottie]

51 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

Oh I know! I over complicate things. It's a flaw of mine.

I would agree^^^  I tell you one reason it's bad that you probably haven't thought of: each time you spend more time trying "to figure him out", you are investing yourself more.  Also you are putting everything through the filter of "what he wants, why he is doing or not doing this or that" instead of the very simple what you want and what you deserve.

It's like your mind is playing out a whole relationship and all his excuses for him.  I can't really believe you are going to "talk" to him again.  He's telling you, he's showing you already.  Anything you learn in a talk would be more letting you down softly, not entirely cutting you off, leaving things in a limbo that suits him but just strings you along.  You have to look at actions.

I have now caught wind of the fact that he's making himself over with his physique. i'm going to guess that as an inexperienced guy with new overblown confidence he wants to test the waters---it's not the oldest story in the book but up there!!  That's probably one reason why he keeps getting on and off the app and is not very aggressive about dating you.  He is probably doing most of it for ego boosts and is not that interested in any relationship.

I would also say you are weighting the "inexperienced" part wayyyyy too high.  Sure it's a factor,  but probably not as big as you are making it out to be and you are also missing some of the possible interpretations of that like i mentioned in the paragraph above.  Being inexperienced doesn't just make you shy and naive about how to manage yourself in a relationship.  As his "world" is opening up, people can tend to get greedy if you will.  Plus he is not that shy to have found himself in something with you and repeatedly on the app.  So the shy excuse is bogus.  Also typically if the guy is shy, and inexperienced and presented with his first real girlfriend, he hangs on for dear life--if that is what he wants.

I agree with those that said you should have combined the threads to give us the real context, especially if you want a real answer.  Even though it's virtually the same answer but it's taken longer to get here than should have.

Listen you need to stop telling yourself the story that you have no luck with relationships--that's definitely part of the reason you put up with substandard behavior like with this guy.

Stop trying to figure him out and use your strategy skills to figure out what you want or even better HOW you will approach your next dating situation and to clear the slate of negative self-talk that is holding you back.

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Maybe he is. But I would like to at least talk about it to get an understanding as to why he's behaving this way.

You will never get to have all the answers in life, and the few times you'll get to have answers it won't make a difference on your level of disappointment. You understanding his behavior will not change it, you cannot fix him, and you need to accept that you cannot fix the things that are not yours to fix. This guy probably doesn't know himself why he's behaving like this. It's his to figure it out. Your job is to find yourself a compatible partner, someone at your level, someone that can give you back as much as you're investing in. 

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

You will never get to have all the answers in life, and the few times you'll get to have answers it won't make a difference on your level of disappointment. You understanding his behavior will not change it, you cannot fix him, and you need to accept that you cannot fix the things that are not yours to fix. This guy probably doesn't know himself why he's behaving like this. It's his to figure it out. Your job is to find yourself a compatible partner, someone at your level, someone that can give you back as much as you're investing in. 

This!^   Cut and paste to your fridge and read every day until it sinks in. 

Might take awhile, be patient with yourself.  This is a cliche but it's a great learning experience if you allow it to be.

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

If some chick that I met 4 times called me out for using a dating app thatd be about it. 

Clearly you guys are operating under completely different assumptions without any communication <--- This right here, is a recipe for failure in all relationships.

So did you catch him or did you not communicate with him? Also, at this point, we cant exclude the fact that maybe he was looking for you?

[lovesfool]

Just an update. I rang him and confronted him about being on the dating app, in a polite way. He completely denied it, even when I said I saw his photos. Claimed that it wasn't him and it was someone using his photos (he did mention this to me a while ago that this happened to him before). 

I didn't believe him and said to him we may have been able to work past being on the app, but couldn't move past him lying about it. 

So I've ended it. Really upsetting. 

[Versacehottie]

Well hang in there.  

In due time, you might understand that it's a good thing to learn about who he is, his lying, his motives, before you invest more and when you haven't invested much.  

You can't want to be with someone so much that you ignore what is best for you and a healthy relationship.  I hope you find a nice guy ideally closer to where you live.  This relationship was a blip in time, only 4 dates even though they meant a lot to you--I think you should get back out there and try again right away unless you are bitter and devastated.  I think give it a couple of days of sadness and then move on and be happy.  Ghange the story you tell yourself about yourself--that will help a lot in what you accept in your life and what comes into your life. Good luck

[Acacia98]

7 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Bolded, you got it.  100%.  

There IS no "right" person for someone with this much anxiety and fear surrounding relationships.  

In fact the more perfect she is, the more anxious he becomes! 

I know it contradicts common sense, but nothing makes sense when a person has this much anxiety.

It is not about the other person at all, it's about them, and their anxieties, insecurities and fears.  And maintaining distance, emotional and physical. 

That is why many seek out long distance relationships.  

It's a ready-made excuse to end it when they can't hack it.  Just like he did.

After it ends, they change their minds. Just like he did.

It's also why they get on apps, then get off.  Go back on, get off.  

They don't know what they want or what they're doing, they are totally conflicted!  

My God he is such a classic case!  

 

 

My goodness! Who woulda thunk that following this discussion would give me insight into the most confusing relationship I've ever been in. It ended a couple of years ago and I still have moments where I'm trying to make sense of something he said or did that confused me or hurt me deeply.

OP you seriously dodged a bullet. The thing about dating this kind of guy is that his indecisiveness, his inability to decide whether he wants to be with you, ulimately wears you down and erodes your self-esteem. That kind of damage is hard to repair. Believe you me.

You will be okay eventually. It's fortunate that you didn't get in too deep.

[Velvet teddy]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

Just an update. I rang him and confronted him about being on the dating app, in a polite way. He completely denied it, even when I said I saw his photos. Claimed that it wasn't him and it was someone using his photos (he did mention this to me a while ago that this happened to him before). 

I didn't believe him and said to him we may have been able to work past being on the app, but couldn't move past him lying about it. 

So I've ended it. Really upsetting. 

This is why earlier i said he was having his cake and eating it too. So he had you and was exploring all his other options at the same time.

Of course he is lying. Which shows what kind of person he really is.

This is a blessing in disguise 

[kendahke]

4 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Claimed that it wasn't him and it was someone using his photos (he did mention this to me a while ago that this happened to him before). 

that lie is so cringe-inducing that my eyeballs are stuck in the back of my head due to the hard roll they took.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I didn't believe him and said to him we may have been able to work past being on the app, but couldn't move past him lying about it. 

This is why you need to not make excuses for the guy when you sense something is off. 

Again, listen to your gut. You knew even before this that he wasn't on the same wavelength as you. That is usually an indication that your instincts are trying to speak to you, much as your heart doesn't want to listen. 

It hurts, but your gut was right. 

[lovesfool]

This is going to hit me really hard. It's the longest "relationship" I've had in over 7 years. We clicked on so many levels like I've never had with anyone before. Talks of the future and doing lots of things together. Even thinking of small things like him saying "I can't wait for you to meet my dog, he'll love you". It got me so upset when I was speaking to him and he was mentioning how he had told his mother about me and that she said I could stay over the next time I visit (he is living at home temporarily).

I do truly believe he really liked me and wanted to make something of this, but he just totally messed it up. When he said it wasn't him on the dating app I immediately said "why did you have to say that, you've made it 100 times worse". I don't know what he expected by continuing the lie, especially as I said that if he didn't admit that it was him then there's no hope for us. Even giving him an out, he didn't take it.

Maybe it's the wrong thread for this, but how does a guy like this come back from such a stupid thing? I know most of you will say that nothing can be done, but if he came on this forum looking for advice I'm sure you wouldn't tell him "there's no hope, you're a flawed person and you don't deserve love".

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to hold out for him hoping for him to change but I'd like to think that people can realise their mistakes and recover from them. If not, then what's the point in dating anyone, they've all been flawed in my eyes.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Maybe it's the wrong thread for this, but how does a guy like this come back from such a stupid thing? I know most of you will say that nothing can be done, but if he came on this forum looking for advice I'm sure you wouldn't tell him "there's no hope, you're a flawed person and you don't deserve love".

The issue is that is he doesn't see this as a problem he needs to come back from. He doesn't view this the same way you do. 

Allow me to elaborate: you were invested, and see this as him having screwed up. He, on the other hand, evidently was not invested that way, and was thus just out there doing his thing and keeping his options open. Sure, he fumbled around and lied when you called him out. However, it's pretty clear by reading his behaviour that he doesn't feel he has anything to make amends for simply because he never committed to you, either.  He wants to meet other women, OP. This wasn't a stupid mistake on his part. This is him doing what single, uncommitted men do, not a lapse in judgment. 

I know it hurts because you thought this was more than he did. Yes, he dangled some sweet nothings at you, but you have to be careful not to get caught up in words when you have so little in-person experience with a guy to base it on. I don't think he's necessarily flawed or undeserving of love, no. I think he got carried away talking about the future, yes, and he should not have told a bone-headed lie about not being on the app. But I also think he's just not interested the way you are anymore and doesn't know how to tell you this directly. It's nobody's fault; it just happens. 

You would be best to stop all contact with him now. In the future, don't invest your feelings without spending ample time with a man offline. You can see why it's such a risky proposition. 

[Wiseman2]

Just block him. He's still shopping around so why waste more time on him 

[lovesfool]

I couldn't block him. I really care about him.

Is it wrong that I did this all over the phone? I feel I should have said it face to face and gauge his reaction. 

I'm feeling real guilt come over me now and that I made a rash decision. I know you'll tell me that I'm not thinking straight, but every time I think back to a situation or conversation we had I think "what if I misinterpreted it?", "what if I was wrong about him", "what if it really was a fake profile"?

Sometimes I wonder if I described the situation properly here and that I've listened to the advice of people based on pure speculation. Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate everything you all said, but no one really knows what is going on in someone else's head. I guess all you can do is give advice based on the facts presented to you, and I appreciate that.

I admit, he is far from perfect, but he's the best man I've met in all my years of dating. This truly felt like my last chance at finding someone. I'm already considering sending him a message to clarify my position and why I had to do what I do. I even started thinking "what if we agreed to leave this all behind us and start with a clean slate, exclusive and we communicate everything we're feeling". Going in with the expectation that it may not be perfect, but would make me happy for as long as it lasts. I know it's crazy but I can't help feeling like this, even though you all tell me to let him go.

[Wiseman2]

He's not your last chance. You're having all these relationship talks in your head with yourself. He's just not that interested.

[Velvet teddy]

55 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I couldn't block him. I really care about him.

Is it wrong that I did this all over the phone? I feel I should have said it face to face and gauge his reaction. 

I'm feeling real guilt come over me now and that I made a rash decision. I know you'll tell me that I'm not thinking straight, but every time I think back to a situation or conversation we had I think "what if I misinterpreted it?", "what if I was wrong about him", "what if it really was a fake profile"?

Sometimes I wonder if I described the situation properly here and that I've listened to the advice of people based on pure speculation. Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate everything you all said, but no one really knows what is going on in someone else's head. I guess all you can do is give advice based on the facts presented to you, and I appreciate that.

I admit, he is far from perfect, but he's the best man I've met in all my years of dating. This truly felt like my last chance at finding someone. I'm already considering sending him a message to clarify my position and why I had to do what I do. I even started thinking "what if we agreed to leave this all behind us and start with a clean slate, exclusive and we communicate everything we're feeling". Going in with the expectation that it may not be perfect, but would make me happy for as long as it lasts. I know it's crazy but I can't help feeling like this, even though you all tell me to let him go.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo don't do it. Don't go back! 

The facts are the facts. He doesn't bother to contact you in between seeing one other. In that time he logs into the dating app and specifies (not looking for anything serious). Also hes absolutely fine postponing your plans.

I think you need to set the bar much higher if you think you can't  do or get better than him. 

Edited July 21, 2020 by Velvet teddy

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

I admit, he is far from perfect, but he's the best man I've met in all my years of dating. This truly felt like my last chance at finding someone. 

Some perspective is needed here. It isn't meant to be unkind, but you need to hear this:

1) He doesn't feel the same way about you. He wouldn't still be shopping around on dating apps if he did. So, unfortunately he doesn't feel you are the best woman he's met. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you personally. It just means it wasn't there for him enough to want to take it further. 

2) You have met him 4 times in person.  You are placing him on a pedestal when you still know very little about him for all practical purposes. 

Don't let desperation cloud your vision here so much. This guy was not the best man or you wouldn't have had so many doubts as to whether he liked you. Back-pedaling and clarifying with him isn't going to make him interested in you again. That ship sailed, but he didn't let you know until you figured it out on your own. 

[kendahke]

56 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

Is it wrong that I did this all over the phone?

No. What are you going to do? Drive 240 miles round trip to his house yesterday to confront him?  He certainly wasn't going to come see you any more frequently than he already was seeing you because that worked for him.

Yeah, he told you he would do it more, but in 4 months time, what have his actions shown you? That he was good keeping you at bay for 30 days at a stretch and gassing you up on the phone the other 29.

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

"what if I misinterpreted it?", "what if I was wrong about him", "what if it really was a fake profile"?

What if you were right about all of this, since your gut has been snatching you back from the precipice time and time again with him and he's got some lie at the ready to explain away his F-ery? He's playing you so hard to the left it's not funny.

 

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

but no one really knows what is going on in someone else's head.

Human nature never changes.  You don't have to be in an individual's head to know the outcome of a behavior undertaken by millennia of humans before him.

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

I even started thinking "what if we agreed to leave this all behind us and start with a clean slate, exclusive and we communicate everything we're feeling".

Translation to him: "I've got her where I want her. She's good with how I'm treating her so I don't have to move my needle closer to her anymore. She's not going anywhere, so I can do as I please.  She may grumble and blast, but she's not going anywhere.  She'll be good hanging out in the bullpen while I chase other women when she's not around."

That line of thinking is you giving voice to your desperation for a relationship--and the relationship you should consider before this one is one with a therapist who can help you get your head screwed back on straight. Your self esteem is in the toilet if you're thinking like this in light of what he's done.

 

 

 

[poppyfields]

LF, perhaps you should just do what you want to do.  Send him a text, go see him, start from a clean slate, whatever it is.

I don't agree with it and knowing what I know now, what I've learned over the years, I wouldn't.

I'd be running for the hills from this guy no matter how much I cared or intoxicating the chemistry.

But you haven't learned that yet.   I've always believed we learn by doing, and by making mistakes and learning from them.  By playing things out, to the bitter end if necessary. 

I think it's rare when people actually follow the advice given here, I've rarely seen it.

People come here to vent, to voice confusion and to seek advice, but in the end do what they want anyway.

So just do what you think is best and allow it to play out.  Let chips fall where they may. 

If you get hurt, so be, you learn and grow from it.

JMO, but I highly doubt it's going to work out well for you, and I agree with others.   But I could be wrong.  

No one truly knows what's in the brain and heart of another human being, HE may not even know.  

So play it out and again if it doesn't work out and you're still filled with pain and confusion and get hurt, hell, so be.

At least that way you won't be second guessing yourself, like now, and living the rest of your life saying "what if."

Best to you and stay safe. 

Edited July 21, 2020 by poppyfields

[lovesfool]

23 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

LF, perhaps you should just do what you want to do.  Send him a text, go see him, start from a clean slate, whatever it is.

I don't agree with it and knowing what I know now, what I've learned over the years, I wouldn't.

I'd be running for the hills from this guy no matter how much I cared or intoxicating the chemistry.

But you haven't learned that yet.   I've always believed we learn by doing, and by making mistakes and learning from them.  By playing things out, to the bitter end if necessary. 

I think it's rare when people actually follow the advice given here, I've rarely seen it.

People come here to vent, to voice confusion and to seek advice, but in the end do what they want anyway.

So just do what you think is best and allow it to play out.  Let chips fall where they may. 

If you get hurt, so be, you learn and grow from it.

JMO, but I highly doubt it's going to work out well for you, and I agree with others.   But I could be wrong.  

No one truly knows what's in the brain and heart of another human being, HE may not even know.  

So play it out and again if it doesn't work out and you're still filled with pain and confusion and get hurt, hell, so be.

At least that way you won't be second guessing yourself, like now, and living the rest of your life saying "what if."

Best to you and stay safe. 

Poppyfields, you have given me a lot of good advice. I can really relate to what you're saying.

A lot of the time I come on here to give voice to my thoughts which would otherwise be bottled up in my head. Discussing them here really gives me a picture of what's going on, both in my own head and his. I am not ignoring anyone's advice here, the warnings are very clear in my mind.

All my life I've never allowed a relationship to develop long enough to say to myself "I've made a mistake staying with him". I know that sounds silly, but I'm always afraid of getting hurt, but the truth is that I've never taken any risks in any relationship and it has gotten me nowhere. From what you're all saying, there's a high chance this won't work out, but forewarned is forearmed. I may be heartbroken, but I may also defy the odds and it works out. Wishful thinking? Probably. But as you say, I don't want to keep going on with my life saying "what if" every time I give up.

I'm not saying I'm giving him another chance, but I'm considering all my options. It hasn't even been 24 hours since we broke up. It hasn't fully settled in and I'm being overly emotional. This time next week I will probably have different thoughts. I'm probably very annoying to listen to right now because I seem to be ignoring the advice given. I know there's a wealth of knowledge here from people's past experience and you're all trying to save me from getting hurt. 

[Versacehottie]

7 hours ago, lovesfool said:

This is going to hit me really hard. It's the longest "relationship" I've had in over 7 years. We clicked on so many levels like I've never had with anyone before. Talks of the future and doing lots of things together. Even thinking of small things like him saying "I can't wait for you to meet my dog, he'll love you". It got me so upset when I was speaking to him and he was mentioning how he had told his mother about me and that she said I could stay over the next time I visit (he is living at home temporarily).

I do truly believe he really liked me and wanted to make something of this, but he just totally messed it up. When he said it wasn't him on the dating app I immediately said "why did you have to say that, you've made it 100 times worse". I don't know what he expected by continuing the lie, especially as I said that if he didn't admit that it was him then there's no hope for us. Even giving him an out, he didn't take it.

Maybe it's the wrong thread for this, but how does a guy like this come back from such a stupid thing? I know most of you will say that nothing can be done, but if he came on this forum looking for advice I'm sure you wouldn't tell him "there's no hope, you're a flawed person and you don't deserve love".

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to hold out for him hoping for him to change but I'd like to think that people can realise their mistakes and recover from them. If not, then what's the point in dating anyone, they've all been flawed in my eyes.

Your focus is still all about him and what he thinks, does, will think, will do.  He can stay the messed up person he is now, or might grow out of it or meet the love of his life.  Are you still going to be thinking about him? 

You need to put the focus on yourself.  I'm serious.  Like think of an ideal girl who gets her heart broken?  Does she look back and wonder what the guy is doing etc and if he feels bad and made a mistake? No way!  Now we all know that sure sometimes even girls like that think about it a little but very little and they don't let it stop them from moving on, finding and getting what they want.  You will see them with a new and better guy in no time.  That's cause they don't stay stuck, stuck in the past or stuck on someone that can't or won't give them what they want and deserve.  Be THAT girl.

Bolded is you telling yourself stories that don't help you.  And keep you stuck in the past and things & people that won't get you what you want. 

Hang in there. Tell yourself a better story and clear the slate.  I'm serious put your analytic skills to work on the one thing that really matters: YOU.

[poppyfields]

LF, I think sitting on it for a week, allowing it to marinate, is a great idea.

Many people tend to react impulsively, I'm one of them!  It hasn't always worked out, but I never have regrets as that's how I learn.

Like most people you will experience many conflicting emotions, please know it's ok to do that.  Don't fight those thoughts and emotions, embrace them.  They will pass.

I bet you any amount of money you will feel differently in a few days.  And I applaud you for being so self-aware.  It took me a long time, many years, many heartbreaks to become so aware.

Please keep us updated on your healing progress and whatever you decide. xo

Edited July 21, 2020 by poppyfields

[Velvet teddy]

15 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

Poppyfields, you have given me a lot of good advice. I can really relate to what you're saying.

A lot of the time I come on here to give voice to my thoughts which would otherwise be bottled up in my head. Discussing them here really gives me a picture of what's going on, both in my own head and his. I am not ignoring anyone's advice here, the warnings are very clear in my mind.

All my life I've never allowed a relationship to develop long enough to say to myself "I've made a mistake staying with him". I know that sounds silly, but I'm always afraid of getting hurt, but the truth is that I've never taken any risks in any relationship and it has gotten me nowhere. From what you're all saying, there's a high chance this won't work out, but forewarned is forearmed. I may be heartbroken, but I may also defy the odds and it works out. Wishful thinking? Probably. But as you say, I don't want to keep going on with my life saying "what if" every time I give up.

I'm not saying I'm giving him another chance, but I'm considering all my options. It hasn't even been 24 hours since we broke up. It hasn't fully settled in and I'm being overly emotional. This time next week I will probably have different thoughts. I'm probably very annoying to listen to right now because I seem to be ignoring the advice given. I know there's a wealth of knowledge here from people's past experience and you're all trying to save me from getting hurt. 

Always  remember he lied to you about his dating profile still being up.

If he  could lie about that imagine what other lies he could be feeding you if you two started up again.

 

 

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, lovesfool said:

This truly felt like my last chance at finding someone.

I would like to address this. 

We all feel that way at the end of a relationship but it's a feeling that's totally untrue it's only born out fear of being alone. There is always someone better waiting for us. There is no special age or special time to fall in love. There are 100s and 100s of men available for you to date. It's better for you to wait for the right guy to come along than to be matched with the wrong one, and this one is the wrong one. Do you really want to exhaust yourself teaching a 26 year old what is loyalty and integrity? And it's not his age or his lack of experience that makes him such a bad date, it's his lack of interest and his need to play the field. 

[Versacehottie]

oh nooooooo do not do that desperate act of reaching out again!!

I don't know why you would think he's your last chance at anything! Is he what you really want to sign up for?  This is a train wreck!!! Girl you are acting crazy and desperate.  I would reiterate that my position is even stronger that you need to date a lot--hopefully that will help with this one-itis.  This is bad and you are losing rational thought over it.  You told him off last night then you are going to come back again today to try to talk to him about it again? Jesus, no!!  If a friend of yours was doing this, what would you tell them?