How do I Form Opposite-Gender Friendships without Shared Hobbies?

[Wave Rider]

So I'm male, and I'm hoping to make some platonic female friends.  My biggest problem with this is that I can't figure out how to base a friendship on anything other than shared hobbies and interests.  I do guy stuff.  I have a PhD in physics, I'm an airplane pilot, and I surf and life weights, which are all stereotypically male hobbies.  All of my close friends in the last 8 years have been men, and all of them have been in physics and engineering.  These have been very rewarding friendships, and I have found these male friendships to be filled with good social support and emotional intimacy.  But women who have my same hobbies are extremely rare, as 93% of pilots are men, and my anecdotal estimate is that about 90% of physicists, surfers, and weightlifters are men.  So I'm pretty much given up hope of finding a female friend who shares my hobbies and interests.  

I cannot figure out how to form a friendship with a woman who does not have similar hobbies and interests to me.  I'm pretty happy with my hobbies, and if woman doesn't know anything about them and doesn't really care about them, then I'm really not sure how to go about forming a friendship with her.  What is the basis for our friendship, if not shared hobbies and interests?  And if she has, for example, a PhD in art history, I don't really have the interest in investing all the time it would take to learn enough about art history to have the necessary background to have an intellectual conversation that would be satisfying to her.  

I read some research that shows that male friendships are different from female friendship along these lines: men share activities, women share emotions.  So men get together and do stuff like surf and fly airplanes, while women get together and talk about their feelings.  So does that mean that if I had a friendship with a woman, we'd spend most of the time talking about our feelings?  I could do that, but I kinda feel that doesn't really add a lot to my life, and I think I'd rather go fly an airplane.  

I'm really struggling with this because I can't see how to form a friendship with a woman who doesn't share any of my hobbies and interests, and women who do share my hobbies and interests are extremely rare.  Can anyone help me out here?  

 

 

 

 

 

 

[basil67]

 

Hi WR, you've posted on this before, so I've linked to conversations we've had previously.

I can only reiterate that women don't talk about hobbies.  Even when I'm with women who I share hobbies with, we don't talk about the hobbies.  Well, OK we might do a brief 'show and tell' but after that, we talk about our lives, families, partners and highlights and low lights.  We laugh, share and support each other.  

The skill set you need for this is to genuinely care about their life, you'd want to hear the latest and talk about it with them.  Likewise, you would talk about your life outside of hobbies.  Thoughts, feelings etc - just as women do.  

[Wave Rider]

47 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

Hi WR, you've posted on this before, so I've linked to conversations we've had previously.

I can only reiterate that women don't talk about hobbies.  Even when I'm with women who I share hobbies with, we don't talk about the hobbies.  Well, OK we might do a brief 'show and tell' but after that, we talk about our lives, families, partners and highlights and low lights.  We laugh, share and support each other.  

The skill set you need for this is to genuinely care about their life, you'd want to hear the latest and talk about it with them.  Likewise, you would talk about your life outside of hobbies.  Thoughts, feelings etc - just as women do.  

Wow basil67, you're good.  Yes, I've posted about this several times, and I keep posting about it because I can't find a satisfying answer. I'm quite impressed that you so quickly catalogued my collected works on the topic.  

OK fine, so women don''t talk about hobbies, even with each other.  That's kind of a downer for me, but good to know.  So riddle me this: if women don't care about all the stuff I'm passionate about, what value is a female friend adding to my life?  Like why would I want a female friend in my life?  How would I be better off with a female friend instead of having only male friends?  

That's really the place where this is coming from, and I'll just be very honest about why I keep posting about this topic: I don't see what value women are adding to my life beyond sex/child-rearing.  I generally prefer the company of other men because men do the same things that I do.  We build physics experiments, we fly airplanes, we do guy stuff.  I don't see what value a woman is adding to my life that I can't get from a man.   

So guess that's really my question here: what can I get from a woman that I can't get from a man, other than sex?  Or what gift can I give to a woman that I can't give to a man, other than sex?  Because quite honestly, if a woman can't offer me anything that I can't get from a man, but a woman is going to be a lot more trouble to deal with than man, then I'd rather spend time with my bros building physics experiments and flying airplanes.  

This is a serious question and I've been wrestling with it for a long time, which is why I keep posting about it.    

Edited July 18, 2020 by Wave Rider

[basil67]

Thanks for the further explanation of why this is confusing.  And yes, I did remember easily as I've engaged with you quite a bit over the years. 

Frankly, if you're not interested in the personal elements which a woman can add to your life, then female friends will be of no use to you at all.   And they won't be interested in you either.    Be friends with your mates and hire a sex worker for gratification.

Edited July 18, 2020 by basil67

[Wave Rider]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Thanks for the further explanation of why this is confusing.  And yes, I did remember easily as I've engaged with you quite a bit over the years. 

Frankly, if you're not interested in the personal elements which a woman can add to your life, then female friends will be of no use to you at all.   And they won't be interested in you either.    Be friends with your mates and hire a sex worker for gratification.

See, and that's the logical conclusion.  I don't like that conclusion, and I'm here because I'm hoping that someone will change my mind and show me what a woman is adding to my life that would be impossible to get from a man.  Please do tell me because I do want a family, but at this point it seems like I'm looking to marry a man in woman's body.  Again, I'm hoping that someone will change my mind and show me where I'm missing the point.  

Women could say the same thing though, right?  A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle, right?  Why not "A man needs a woman like a fish needs a bicycle"?  Aren't there plenty of women who love traveling, shopping, and fashion, and who would receive no benefits (other than sex and some additional income) from having a man in their life?  Aren't there like a gazillon fashionistas living in New Your City who are basically hoping to marry a woman in a man's body, and who could live quite happily in an all-female world if it weren't for sexual urges?  

I'm quite eager for someone to show me where I'm wrong here.  I want to be wrong.  I'm begging to be wrong.  I want to be shown the special gift that I can get only from a woman and that a man can never give me.  

[basil67]

OK, so I've asked hubby and daughter about this.  They have helpful thoughts on connection, but I'm about to serve dinner.  Will be back later.

[basil67]

OK, I'm back.  I think I've confused matters by thinking that you're after female friendship as women do it.  But if you want to connect as a male, it's really about just being able to have diverse conversations.   Daughter said that she and her mixed gender friend group can discuss anything from future technology to d*ck cheese.   My husband and I are similar.   Today we've gone from discussing how we feel about the looming possibility of future COVID lockdowns returning to discussing family who were at the wake we've just attended.   

Last year, hubby and I were at a ski resort and someone came to us and said that when they are old like us 😲 they hope to be able to chat so easily.    What they saw was hubby mentioning Matthew Flinders' cat.  I had no idea about this, so I Googled at the table and found a lovely story about Flinders (who mapped Australia) and his ship cat and the two of us had a very engaging conversation.  (If you care to look up the story, Flinders wrote at length about what an excellent cat he was)  

So my new advice is be able to talk or BS on any number of topics.   I haven't shared this idea for ages, so here goes my practice lesson for you.   Name a topic for every letter of the alphabet that you know about or can BS about.  This diversity of conversation topics is the secret from everything from a fun night at a house party to dating.   I will start so that you know what I mean.  

A.  architecture.  Today we discussed the appalling architecture of McMansions.  Look up 'McMansion Hell' for a laugh.

B. Beach -  Good surf, sound of the waves and recent storms taking out the foundations of beachfront houses

C. Council - Local planning issues 

D. Derelict buildings - Urban exploring, old style buildings

See where I'm going?  Wide variety of conversations that you can crap on about.  And the ability to segue from one idea to another.   Bounce off each other from this to that to the other.  

Edited July 18, 2020 by basil67

[snowboy91]

Some really great points raised already in this thread.

WR - I think the point where we're getting muddled is where we consider: what is your end game here? As in, what is it you are ultimately aiming for? If we are thinking in the context of just wanting female friends, then Basil has hit a few crucial points already. Women, as a general rule (to be interpreted as often, and not always), tend to prefer discussing their experiences from an emotional and social point of view, rather than in "technical" detail like you would many of your hobbies. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you come across as someone heavily invested in your hobbies, so realistically from that point of view alone, female friends may not add much to your life in that regard. So from a pure "friendship" point of view, I only see the need for there to be friends regardless of sex - which may result in the vast majority being male.

All of that being said, I feel as if the underlying concern is you want female friends to help you understand how women work, with the eventual hope of finding a romantic/sexual partner. That's also just as valid - we all have natural urges. In that case the best way to move forward is to consider this: Think about how your hobbies make you feel when you're doing them. Your hobbies are a passion of yours for a reason, so think about what those reasons are on an emotional level (does it give you a sense of achievement? Enjoyment? Belonging?). I feel that approaching things from that point of view may be a good first step.

[ShyViolet]

1.  Why do you specifically want to find female friends?  Why don't you just let your friends come along organically... whoever you meet and click with, you become friends with?  

2.  I think it's BS that you assume you won't find any female friend that may share any of your interests.  There are women in S.T.E.M.  Yes it's a little more rare but they exist.  

3.  You use some problematic stereotypes.  "If I had a woman friend, does that mean we'd spend most of our time talking about our feelings?"   I'm still confused as to why you are specifically looking for women friends anyway then?

[homecoming]

"Women don't talk about hobbies" - huh? Where did this wide generalisation come from?

[Wave Rider]

6 hours ago, snowboy91 said:

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you come across as someone heavily invested in your hobbies, so realistically from that point of view alone, female friends may not add much to your life in that regard. So from a pure "friendship" point of view, I only see the need for there to be friends regardless of sex - which may result in the vast majority being male.

Thank you snowboy91. I actually feel really validated by this.

6 hours ago, snowboy91 said:

All of that being said, I feel as if the underlying concern is you want female friends to help you understand how women work, with the eventual hope of finding a romantic/sexual partner. 

Yes, you have correctly deciphered my primary motive for this.  I have not as yet found much value in female friends for their own sake, so yeah, my motive here is that I do want a romantic relationship with a woman, and the prevailing wisdom is that friendship is the foundation of a good romantic relationship.  So because I've never really found any value in having female friendships for their own sake, that seems like a good place to look.  I'd like to see if I can find value in female friendships for their own sake, but so far I haven't been able to do it, which is why I'm asking about it.  

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

1.  Why do you specifically want to find female friends?  Why don't you just let your friends come along organically... whoever you meet and click with, you become friends with?  

2.  I think it's BS that you assume you won't find any female friend that may share any of your interests.  There are women in S.T.E.M.  Yes it's a little more rare but they exist.  

3.  You use some problematic stereotypes.  "If I had a woman friend, does that mean we'd spend most of our time talking about our feelings?"   I'm still confused as to why you are specifically looking for women friends anyway then?

1.  Check out my answer above, and I've love to meet friends organically, but don't underestimate how scarce women are in my world (see #2 below).  

2.  I just finished a PhD in physics.  My (incoming) class of physics graduate students was 23 men and 2 women.  Pilots are 93% men.  That's the level of scarcity we're talking about, which is why it's been so hard to meet female friends in an organic way.  Nearly every person in my world is male, which is why I'm on this forum wrestling with these issues of shared hobbies and expanding the places I meet people. 

3.  See above answer.  And as for the stereotypes, that's what we're discussing now.  

12 hours ago, enigma32 said:

I don't know about you, but I like having some diversity in my friendships. Sure, I can talk about my hobbies with my guy friends, but is that literally all you want to do? Female friends are an entirely different experience and this guy loves having female friends. I have a couple platonic female friends I talk with frequently and I'm happy to have them in my life. 

Your attitude about the value of women concerns me a little. If you are starting to think that the only value women bring to your life is sex and child rearing, what will you be doing with a wife or a GF if/when you find one? I can assure you, no matter how hot your woman is, you are going to need to do more together than just have sex and rear children. If you cannot form a bond with women in any other way, then any romantic relationship you have with a woman will be shallow and empty. Your GF/wife should be a friend too, not just someone you have sex with. 

I would appreciate very much if you would tell me how female friends are a different experience from male friends, because I can't really see it.  The way I experience it, male friends are people who want to do stuff and female friends are people who want to talk about stuff.  I like to do stuff, and women just want to talk about stuff, which I get bored with.  Male friendship is active and physical; female friendship is sedentary and verbal.

For example, I feel like I developed friendships with the (male) flight instructors I flew with because we had the shared active experience of flying an airplane together.  I knew little about what was going on in their personal lives, how their families were doing, or how they were feeling about this or that, because those things didn't seem to matter.  What mattered is the adventure of being together in the sky, and that was more than enough to create a feeling of friendship.  I felt the same thing with the guys I flew drones with in my drone club - I knew little of what was going on in their personal lives, but the experience of sharing the great hobby of flying drones together made us friends.  

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

OK, I'm back.  I think I've confused matters by thinking that you're after female friendship as women do it.  But if you want to connect as a male, it's really about just being able to have diverse conversations.   Daughter said that she and her mixed gender friend group can discuss anything from future technology to d*ck cheese.   My husband and I are similar.   Today we've gone from discussing how we feel about the looming possibility of future COVID lockdowns returning to discussing family who were at the wake we've just attended.   

Last year, hubby and I were at a ski resort and someone came to us and said that when they are old like us 😲 they hope to be able to chat so easily.    What they saw was hubby mentioning Matthew Flinders' cat.  I had no idea about this, so I Googled at the table and found a lovely story about Flinders (who mapped Australia) and his ship cat and the two of us had a very engaging conversation.  (If you care to look up the story, Flinders wrote at length about what an excellent cat he was)  

So my new advice is be able to talk or BS on any number of topics.   I haven't shared this idea for ages, so here goes my practice lesson for you.   Name a topic for every letter of the alphabet that you know about or can BS about.  This diversity of conversation topics is the secret from everything from a fun night at a house party to dating.   I will start so that you know what I mean.  

A.  architecture.  Today we discussed the appalling architecture of McMansions.  Look up 'McMansion Hell' for a laugh.

B. Beach -  Good surf, sound of the waves and recent storms taking out the foundations of beachfront houses

C. Council - Local planning issues 

D. Derelict buildings - Urban exploring, old style buildings

See where I'm going?  Wide variety of conversations that you can crap on about.  And the ability to segue from one idea to another.   Bounce off each other from this to that to the other.  

Thanks basil67.  I really appreciate the effort you've put in to helping me find an answer to this very longstanding problem I have.  I think that's a start, and I do feel like I can talk about many different topics in addition to my favorite hobbies.  Where I'm hoping to resolve a disconnect is that I define friendship not so much as conversation, but rather as activity.  As I said in my response to enigma32, men want do stuff and women want to talk about stuff. This is where I think a lot of the boredom of female friendships happens for me - women never want to do anything, they just want to sit and talk.  So I get bored.  

To give an example from a previous romantic relationship, on a lovely spring day I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to play catch with the frisbee.  Playing catch with the frisbee is a chance for me to bond with someone in a big way.  It's a shared activity, it's physical motion, it's the shared experience of the frisbee flying back and forth between us.  Sure there's conversation there too, but for me, the physical movement is critical.  She responded to my invitation by saying that she was horrible at frisbee and she didn't want to play, so I guess we missed out on that chance to experience emotional intimacy and develop our friendship.  

Edited July 18, 2020 by Wave Rider

[Foxhall]

Im quite good at making female friendships, well in the last ten years or so anyway ,

perhaps I am more of the good listener type and I dont mind speaking or listening about feelings as you mention there,

generally the conversations would follow talks about families, work, food, films, activities we were doing recently and so on,

shared values and trust that they could confide in me is perhaps another thing that might make a friendship grow.

I would not be able to hold a conversation explaining the functions of an airplane and so on, so I guess everyone plays to their own strengths,

 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, homecoming said:

"Women don't talk about hobbies" - huh? Where did this wide generalisation come from?

I certainly said it.  Yes, it may be a generalisation, but it's also my experience.   About the only time it's untrue for me is when we go to an expo/gallery related to our mutual interest - and it's untrue at this time because we are there to immerse ourselves in that hobby. 

Also in my world, domestic arts are the commonality.  Going back in time before TV and radio, groups of women would sit together doing their domestic arts and talk about life.  With the exception of the complicated cardigan I'm about to embark on, one can talk and do hand craft at the same time.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Wave Rider said:

This is where I think a lot of the boredom of female friendships happens for me - women never want to do anything, they just want to sit and talk.  So I get bored.  

And this takes me back to my advice that women probably have no role in your life.   I know you want us to prove you wrong, and we could possibly do so if your issue was that you thought all women were say, unintelligent or only interested in shopping.   But this isn't the case, so we can't argue against it.     The reality for you is that you're simply not interested in women at a personal level. 

Out of curiosity, do you see going out to dinner as an activity or as 'sitting and talking'?  

[Wave Rider]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Out of curiosity, do you see going out to dinner as an activity or as 'sitting and talking'?  

Going out to dinner at a restaurant is definitely sitting and talking in opinion, but there are ways to make dinner an activity.  If we pack a picnic basket and get into an inflatable boat and row out to an island in the middle of a lake, then we eat our picnic on the island and go swimming in the lake, that's an activity.  Sitting and having tea at a coffee shop is "sitting and talking" while sitting on top of a mountain drinking Gatorade after a hike is an activity.  Sitting at a restaurant can be an activity if, say, we go to the restaurant after we've just played tennis or flown an airplane.  Do you catch my drift here?  I'm certain willing to talk about my feelings and share my childhood experiences etc., but doing that over tea or lunch is just boring for me.  I'd rather do bonding and deep conversation over some kind of shared activity, and it needs to be physically active.   

My parents have this problem in their marriage.  My dad really likes outdoors stuff, and he spends his time hiking in the mountains and volunteering at the local forest conservation center.  My mom has no interest in any of this, and prefers to chit-chat with other women over lunch.  My dad has little interest in chit-chatting over lunch.  I look at their marriage and it's decent marriage, but they rarely do anything together other than watch TV, and they don't seem have too many common activities or anything else that they enjoy doing.  I don't really want that kind of marriage.  

Edited July 19, 2020 by Wave Rider

[Wave Rider]

3 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Im quite good at making female friendships, well in the last ten years or so anyway ,

perhaps I am more of the good listener type and I dont mind speaking or listening about feelings as you mention there,

generally the conversations would follow talks about families, work, food, films, activities we were doing recently and so on,

shared values and trust that they could confide in me is perhaps another thing that might make a friendship grow.

I would not be able to hold a conversation explaining the functions of an airplane and so on, so I guess everyone plays to their own strengths,

 

 Maybe you appreciate something that I don't, or maybe you value something that I don't.  I'm trying to figure out what that is.  

[basil67]

36 minutes ago, Wave Rider said:

Going out to dinner at a restaurant is definitely sitting and talking in opinion, but there are ways to make dinner an activity.  If we pack a picnic basket and get into an inflatable boat and row out to an island in the middle of a lake, then we eat our picnic on the island and go swimming in the lake, that's an activity.  Sitting and having tea at a coffee shop is "sitting and talking" while sitting on top of a mountain drinking Gatorade after a hike is an activity.  Sitting at a restaurant can be an activity if, say, we go to the restaurant after we've just played tennis or flown an airplane.  Do you catch my drift here?  I'm certain willing to talk about my feelings and share my childhood experiences etc., but doing that over tea or lunch is just boring for me.  I'd rather do bonding and deep conversation over some kind of shared activity, and it needs to be physically active.   

But a couple can't be physically active all the time.  So how do you imagine how your evenings and lazy weekends would look?  

 

Edited July 19, 2020 by basil67

[Wave Rider]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

But a couple can't be physically active all the time.  So how do you imagine how your evenings and lazy weekends would look?  

 

So when I talk about being active together, then yeah I'm talking about a dating relationship.  If it's a stable live-in relationship (which I've never actually been in) I can only speculate.  If there are children in that relationship, then I can imagine that most of the attention will go to parenting.  If there are no children, then I can't really imagine spending every evening staring vacantly at the TV.  That's boring.  I don't have a TV and I don't want a TV.  I'm sure I can think of something more interesting to do, though I haven't really thought about it much yet.     

[basil67]

If most of the attention goes to parenting, the marriage will flounder.  Raising a family is a juggling act of making sure each member of the family gets as many needs as possible met and this includes the parents and their relationship with each other.   

Edited July 19, 2020 by basil67

[homecoming]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

I certainly said it.  Yes, it may be a generalisation, but it's also my experience.   About the only time it's untrue for me is when we go to an expo/gallery related to our mutual interest - and it's untrue at this time because we are there to immerse ourselves in that hobby. 

Also in my world, domestic arts are the commonality.  Going back in time before TV and radio, groups of women would sit together doing their domestic arts and talk about life.  With the exception of the complicated cardigan I'm about to embark on, one can talk and do hand craft at the same time.

That's fair enough, but I think sometimes people interpret someone's own experience as confirmation that the world is as they thought it to be. 

Women I've known and dated have spoken frequently about their hobbies. I once dated a singer, who'd speak about that often. I speak about my own hobbies often, with people I know. To reduce all women down to one trait is a bit problematic (not you, OP) - people are individuals. 

[homecoming]

16 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Im quite good at making female friendships, well in the last ten years or so anyway ,

perhaps I am more of the good listener type and I dont mind speaking or listening about feelings as you mention there,

generally the conversations would follow talks about families, work, food, films, activities we were doing recently and so on,

shared values and trust that they could confide in me is perhaps another thing that might make a friendship grow.

I would not be able to hold a conversation explaining the functions of an airplane and so on, so I guess everyone plays to their own strengths,

 

I just don't understand this. So if two people who spoke about their hobbies met up or hung out, they would literally only talk about hobbies? Not the weather, or something that happened on the journey over, or a text they'd received from an old friend, or the good meal that they had last night, or that nice song they heard earlier? 

Actually, I was friends with someone like that once. It was really boring. We're not friends anymore. 

[basil67]

7 hours ago, homecoming said:

That's fair enough, but I think sometimes people interpret someone's own experience as confirmation that the world is as they thought it to be. 

Women I've known and dated have spoken frequently about their hobbies. I once dated a singer, who'd speak about that often. I speak about my own hobbies often, with people I know. To reduce all women down to one trait is a bit problematic (not you, OP) - people are individuals. 

To be fair, I would possibly talk about my hobbies a bit more, but I've seen too many people's eyes glaze over when they ask what I do in my spare time and have learned not to go into detail.   And with the OP liking to connect over hobbies.... I suspect that while his interest may be briefly piqued by the properties of the spiral steel boning I use when making corsets, he will not be particularly interested in dressmaking hacks.   I wonder if he'd be interested genealogy?   Nobody cares to hear about that either.

Edited July 19, 2020 by basil67

[basil67]

7 hours ago, homecoming said:

I just don't understand this. So if two people who spoke about their hobbies met up or hung out, they would literally only talk about hobbies? Not the weather, or something that happened on the journey over, or a text they'd received from an old friend, or the good meal that they had last night, or that nice song they heard earlier? 

Actually, I was friends with someone like that once. It was really boring. We're not friends anymore. 

This is what I was getting at when I said that women don't generally talk about their hobbies - there is just so much more in life to talk about!

[Ruby Slippers]

I've gotten the impression the men I've been involved with have enjoyed my presence in their life for emotional and soul reasons. That is, with me, they feel a lot more comfortable talking about their emotions than they do with guy friends, and they start to explore aspects of their soul/spirit/psyche that they hadn't before. My last boyfriend talked to me often about family matters (in his case, his kids). He never seemed to understand what was going on with them emotionally, while to me it was usually obvious.

They also enjoy having me as an activity partner - working out, playing tennis, hiking mountains, hanging out at the beach, going out to restaurants and cafes, checking out arts exhibits, movies, farmer's markets, and so on.

Also, I'm brainy and attract men who are brainy, so we enjoy deep philosophical conversations about everything under the sun for hours. These have been some of the best times I've had with men.

Also, it is possible to find women who are more left-brained in their thinking - women in science, tech, and so on.

Edited July 19, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[clia]

On 7/18/2020 at 9:27 PM, Wave Rider said:

Going out to dinner at a restaurant is definitely sitting and talking in opinion, but there are ways to make dinner an activity.  If we pack a picnic basket and get into an inflatable boat and row out to an island in the middle of a lake, then we eat our picnic on the island and go swimming in the lake, that's an activity.  Sitting and having tea at a coffee shop is "sitting and talking" while sitting on top of a mountain drinking Gatorade after a hike is an activity.  Sitting at a restaurant can be an activity if, say, we go to the restaurant after we've just played tennis or flown an airplane.  Do you catch my drift here?  I'm certain willing to talk about my feelings and share my childhood experiences etc., but doing that over tea or lunch is just boring for me.  I'd rather do bonding and deep conversation over some kind of shared activity, and it needs to be physically active.   

So, it sounds like you are mainly looking to date a woman who is physically active and wants to go on physically active dates and bond over physical activity, then?  Have you tried joining Meetup (or other local) groups directed to adventure/hiking/sport, etc.?  There are a lot of physically active women out there -- although, admittedly I'm not sure they all want every single date to have to be physically active.  (I would consider things like wine/beer tasting, farmer's markets, art festivals, museums, boat rides, visiting a new town, shopping, dining out, concerts, theater, etc. to be "activities," but it doesn't sound like those are physically active enough for you)  I honestly don't really understand bonding over physical activity -- perhaps, e.g., bonding over the shared experience of hiking on a beautiful trail or just spending an afternoon in each other's company at the tennis club -- but not really bonding over the physical activity itself.  It almost sounds like the person you are with doesn't matter so much, as long as you get to do the activity you want to do?. 

Regardless, it's unlikely you will meet anyone (male or female) who shares ALL of your interests.  Most people don't consider this to be a "problem" in their relationship, as you described your parents.  I actually think it's healthy for partners to have differing interests, and to do their own thing.