Having affair with cousins wife

[VeryConfused12]

This was totally unexpected. Just a talk here and there with problems they were having turned into having feelings for each other. Then came the intimacy and has taken off from there. She is still married and he has knowledge of us communicating over text/calls but nothing more than that. I have to say we both care for each other very much and DONT know where this is going. She’s a great person and is treated very poorly by her husband. 

[MJJean]

Well, if she's a great person and being treated terribly, maybe you should come clean to your cousin about the affair. Then, maybe, he will divorce her. Problem solved. She's single and available, he's moving on to be with someone who isn't cheating on him with his own family.

Also, "My husband treats me like s***!" is about as common for cheaters to say as "My wife and I don't have sex." Sometimes, rarely, it's true. Most of the time, it's a lie to justify screwing around. 

[Mystery4u]

If she is treated so poorly by him why has she no broken up with him and divorced?

She should do that if you have such strong feelings for each other and care about each other so much.

Then be ready to lose your cousin for life, as you should.

[BaileyB]

If her husband treats her badly and she is truly unhappy in her marriage, she needs a divorce - not an affair partner. 

These kinds of things don’t “inevitably” happen. Engaging in a physical affair with someone is a decision, just as filing for divorce is a decision. 
 

[stillafool]

Why did she choose you to confide in about her marital problems?  What age group are you guys?  That will tell a lot.

[VeryConfused12]

MJJEAN

Yes your right. Come clean to cousin and let him and her decide what’s the best for them. This is been an ongoing thing with him treating her poorly. They have kids and that is the reason why she hesitates to leave because what he has threatened to do if she were to leave him. If they do go their separate ways then yes she will be single and have the opportunity to start our relationship. He has come clean to her as well of his other relationships in the past. 

[VeryConfused12]

6 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

If she is treated so poorly by him why has she no broken up with him and divorced?

She should do that if you have such strong feelings for each other and care about each other so much.

Then be ready to lose your cousin for life, as you should.

Mystery4u

The feelings are definitely strong and we have been communicating to decide what we should do. It’s an awkward situation and never expected feelings to grow from our initial communication. We both had the opportunity to end what started but didn’t. No excuse i know. But everything is so perfect with us that it’s very hard to just let go of something that makes you never happy. They have children and he has already told her what he would do if she were to ever leave him. This was way before i was in the picture. Their relationship was rocky from the start. 
As far as loosing my cousin, your right it will never be the same. Nothing would ever be enough to fix that. And at this point, i can’t go back and make it disappear. 

[VeryConfused12]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

Why did she choose you to confide in about her marital problems?  What age group are you guys?  That will tell a lot.

Why did she confide in me? Like i said it was totally unexpected. We talked here and there and one day she mentioned she wasn’t happy. She went on to tell me how he treated her. I had an idea already cause his mom would tell me she took lots of negative things from him when she didn’t have to. His own mom would voice her opinion. Things just took off from there with the feelings and things got more intense. We are 3 years apart (late 30s)

[VeryConfused12]

5 hours ago, BaileyB said:

If her husband treats her badly and she is truly unhappy in her marriage, she needs a divorce - not an affair partner. 

These kinds of things don’t “inevitably” happen. Engaging in a physical affair with someone is a decision, just as filing for divorce is a decision. 
 

Yes your correct. A divorce or a total change on his part needs to happen to try and move forward. Things don’t “inevitable happen” like you say. Your absolutely correct, these are decisions made by two adults who know what they are doing. I agree with you. But i have to say, that the feelings that have grown for one another are very strong and it’s hard to even consider walking away from one another cause of what we have. I couldn’t help feel what i feel for her. 

[sandylee1]

Where will this end up? Is anybody thinking about the kids? 

 

Please don't mess their lives up...it's too close to be messing around and no doubt your parent's relationship will be damaged by all this. 

 

If he treats her badly..it's not your place to go behind his back and do this. 

 

 

[mark clemson]

9 hours ago, VeryConfused12 said:

They have children and he has already told her what he would do if she were to ever leave him. This was way before i was in the picture. Their relationship was rocky from the start.

What exactly is it that he's threatened to do if she leaves him, if you don't mind me asking?

[Amethyst68]

So why didn't she leave him after he confessed about his affair? 

Are you prepared to lose your extended family over this? It's a general observation but most people will see having an affair with a close family member as extremely disrespectful and will choose sides based on that.

[VeryConfused12]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

What exactly is it that he's threatened to do if she leaves him, if you don't mind me asking?

He told her he would make her life hell and tell the kids what she did. He’s had a “fling” in the past before and she confronted him about it. He denied it and finally admitted it cause he wanted to throw it in her face. He told her the co parenting would be like hell so she could remember what she did. Even though he did it as well, she put it behind her and moved on. She never threatened him with the kids. He has also mentioned that he would make sure the family knew how much of a slut she is. I understand it is wrong. I totally understand and see where everyone blanes is. We are to blame. But again this was totally unexpected and took us both by surprise. 

[VeryConfused12]

59 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

So why didn't she leave him after he confessed about his affair? 

Are you prepared to lose your extended family over this? It's a general observation but most people will see having an affair with a close family member as extremely disrespectful and will choose sides based on that.

She decided to try and work past it. He constantly told her he knew he was going to find out she would find someone who took care of her as she should be treated. During the time they have been together, he has been physical with her as well. No one deserves that. Yet she still stayed with him. She asked for a separation to decide what they were going to do. He would follow her and make a scene in order for her to give in and take him back. While this was going on i came  into the picture and just gave her advise. I even talked to him about it and he said she enjoyed That type  of life and she wouldn’t find someone as good as him. We continued to discuss her marriage and things just took a turn for us. 

[VeryConfused12]

1 hour ago, Amethyst68 said:

So why didn't she leave him after he confessed about his affair? 

Are you prepared to lose your extended family over this? It's a general observation but most people will see having an affair with a close family member as extremely disrespectful and will choose sides based on that.

Am i willing to lose an extended family member? At this point, i would say yes. This mistreatment has been terrible and many feelings have come from this. She is a great person and has such wonderful personality. Based on what we have done, i know these attributes don’t match her. I understand. 

[RebeccaR]

I’m sorry but I don’t know why you got involved in someone else’s dysfunctional and violent relationship. Honestly it doesn’t sound like she wants to leave him for you.

[VeryConfused12]

42 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

I’m sorry but I don’t know why you got involved in someone else’s dysfunctional and violent relationship. Honestly it doesn’t sound like she wants to leave him for you.

It wasn’t something that we planned. It just happened to turn out like this. I didn’t know until later about the violet behavior of his.  As far as her leaving him for me i will know soon. All indications show she will. We’ll see. 

[MJJean]

It's a long story, but I was dating a guy at 16. It was casual and I intended it to stay casual. I got bronchitis, the antibiotics interfered with my birth control pill and I got pregnant at 17. I had the baby a couple months after I turned 18, and "did the right thing" by marrying him at 19. He cheated with any woman who would give him 5 minutes time. He lied like a rug about everything big and small. He had no problem getting physical. He was extremely financially irresponsible to the point his mom was paying most of our bills. Why? Because he would blow his money and I couldn't work as I had no one to watch the kid as he wouldn't. In short, a terribad marriage.

I figured, since he was serially cheating and treating me like absolute poop I was justified in seeking out affair partners, myself. One of my affairs was off and on for 6 years. Others were shorter time frames ranging from a one or two time thing to months. I cared for a few of my AP's, but I did not love them. They were my relaxation, my escape. I enjoyed their company, I enjoyed the sex, I enjoyed having something for just me, and the affairs made staying in the marriage bearable. Rather than the difference between my total dumpster fire marriage and my affair relationship inspiring me to leave, the affairs made it possible to stay. The affairs were my sanity clause.

Why did I stay? Because I sincerely believed having both parents in the home was the only option. The way I was raised if you got pregnant or got someone pregnant you married and stayed married until the kid(s) grew up or they'd end up in jail or on the stripper pole, hate you, become severely dysfunctional adults, yadda yadda.

In 1999 my eldest was 6 and I'd had a 2nd child due to a condom failure or sabotage, never did figure out which, who had just turned 1. My friend knew I was going through a hard time and was very depressed, so I got dragged out for a night out. About when I figured it had been long enough and I could ask we leave, I saw my friend talking to someone and felt like I got hit by lightning. I was introduced to the man we will call M2. Every week after that, my then husband, a group of friends, and M2's friends would meet up at the same club, have a few drinks, chat, dance, etc. A month or so later, M2 and some of the club crowd came to our townhouse for a party. A week after that, M2 and I went on a date. A few weeks after that we became physical. Less than a month after we became physical I ended the marriage.

Part of it was that I realized, slowly, that my tire fire marriage was damaging the kids more than a divorce would. Part of it was that I just couldn't waste any more years of my life on a failed marriage. My mother died young and unexpectedly a couple years before and I was coping with my own mortality, realizing life is short and tomorrow isn't guaranteed. What if I didn't live until all my kids were 18? My own mother didn't. And part of it was that I was in love and wanted to be with my AP.

I got the same threats your AP has heard from her husband. 

So, I got out ahead of it all.

I told friends and family what the marriage was like, that he cheated, that he was abusive, that I cheated, that I was in love, and that I ended the marriage. Turns out, after about 5 minutes, better gossip comes along because it isn't nearly as fun to speculate and talk smack about people who aren't hiding anything.

He said he'd tell the kids, so I did. I explained to my then 6 year old that people who get married make promises and that her father did wrong and broke those promises, so I also did wrong and broke those promises. I explained that one of the most important promises is to not have any other boyfriends or girlfriends and that her father had a few girlfriends, I had a few boyfriends, we were both wrong, and that we couldn't be married anymore because breaking those promises was such a serious thing.

He then threatened to make my life and co-parenting hell. Well, good luck with that! That's what judges are for. I told him I'd document and, if necessary, get a restraining order stipulating contact regarding the children only, it be through a 3rd party or email, and pickup/drop off be done at the police station.

He had nothin'. No power over me. I took it all away by being up front with everyone when he made his threats.

I couldn't file for divorce for almost 2 years from when I ended the marriage because M2and I had to start from scratch. All I wanted from the marital home was my clothes and mementos, the kids beds, dressers, and toys. We set up our household and then began saving to cover the divorce. The divorce was smoother than I anticipated and over within 3 months from the date I filed. 

A few weeks later, my M2 became my DH and we've been together ever since.

If your cousins wife/your AP wanted out, she could do get out. It would be difficult, she'd need a lot of support, patience, and tolerance from her friends and family, and she'd need to want it more than she wants status quo.

Because I was so open about my history I get a lot of cheaters and betrayed people telling me their stories. Many of them are enjoying the affair, enjoying the fantasy and future faking, and have zero intention of actually doing anything resembling getting a divorce. They'll talk a big game, some for years, but won't do a damn thing.

.Yes, leaving with kids is complicated, and so are contentious divorces, but people manage it every day. Don't waste too much time on a dead end relationship. At some point, for your own emotional and mental health, you need to tell her to fish or cut bait and mean it.

 

Edited July 20, 2020 by MJJean

[VeryConfused12]

1 hour ago, MJJean said:

It's a long story, but I was dating a guy at 16. It was casual and I intended it to stay casual. I got bronchitis, the antibiotics interfered with my birth control pill and I got pregnant at 17. I had the baby a couple months after I turned 18, and "did the right thing" by marrying him at 19. He cheated with any woman who would give him 5 minutes time. He lied like a rug about everything big and small. He had no problem getting physical. He was extremely financially irresponsible to the point his mom was paying most of our bills. Why? Because he would blow his money and I couldn't work as I had no one to watch the kid as he wouldn't. In short, a terribad marriage.

I figured, since he was serially cheating and treating me like absolute poop I was justified in seeking out affair partners, myself. One of my affairs was off and on for 6 years. Others were shorter time frames ranging from a one or two time thing to months. I cared for a few of my AP's, but I did not love them. They were my relaxation, my escape. I enjoyed their company, I enjoyed the sex, I enjoyed having something for just me, and the affairs made staying in the marriage bearable. Rather than the difference between my total dumpster fire marriage and my affair relationship inspiring me to leave, the affairs made it possible to stay. The affairs were my sanity clause.

Why did I stay? Because I sincerely believed having both parents in the home was the only option. The way I was raised if you got pregnant or got someone pregnant you married and stayed married until the kid(s) grew up or they'd end up in jail or on the stripper pole, hate you, become severely dysfunctional adults, yadda yadda.

In 1999 my eldest was 6 and I'd had a 2nd child due to a condom failure or sabotage, never did figure out which, who had just turned 1. My friend knew I was going through a hard time and was very depressed, so I got dragged out for a night out. About when I figured it had been long enough and I could ask we leave, I saw my friend talking to someone and felt like I got hit by lightning. I was introduced to the man we will call M2. Every week after that, my then husband, a group of friends, and M2's friends would meet up at the same club, have a few drinks, chat, dance, etc. A month or so later, M2 and some of the club crowd came to our townhouse for a party. A week after that, M2 and I went on a date. A few weeks after that we became physical. Less than a month after we became physical I ended the marriage.

Part of it was that I realized, slowly, that my tire fire marriage was damaging the kids more than a divorce would. Part of it was that I just couldn't waste any more years of my life on a failed marriage. My mother died young and unexpectedly a couple years before and I was coping with my own mortality, realizing life is short and tomorrow isn't guaranteed. What if I didn't live until all my kids were 18? My own mother didn't. And part of it was that I was in love and wanted to be with my AP.

I got the same threats your AP has heard from her husband. 

So, I got out ahead of it all.

I told friends and family what the marriage was like, that he cheated, that he was abusive, that I cheated, that I was in love, and that I ended the marriage. Turns out, after about 5 minutes, better gossip comes along because it isn't nearly as fun to speculate and talk smack about people who aren't hiding anything.

He said he'd tell the kids, so I did. I explained to my then 6 year old that people who get married make promises and that her father did wrong and broke those promises, so I also did wrong and broke those promises. I explained that one of the most important promises is to not have any other boyfriends or girlfriends and that her father had a few girlfriends, I had a few boyfriends, we were both wrong, and that we couldn't be married anymore because breaking those promises was such a serious thing.

He then threatened to make my life and co-parenting hell. Well, good luck with that! That's what judges are for. I told him I'd document and, if necessary, get a restraining order stipulating contact regarding the children only, it be through a 3rd party or email, and pickup/drop off be done at the police station.

He had nothin'. No power over me. I took it all away by being up front with everyone when he made his threats.

I couldn't file for divorce for almost 2 years from when I ended the marriage because M2and I had to start from scratch. All I wanted from the marital home was my clothes and mementos, the kids beds, dressers, and toys. We set up our household and then began saving to cover the divorce. The divorce was smoother than I anticipated and over within 3 months from the date I filed. 

A few weeks later, my M2 became my DH and we've been together ever since.

If your cousins wife/your AP wanted out, she could do get out. It would be difficult, she'd need a lot of support, patience, and tolerance from her friends and family, and she'd need to want it more than she wants status quo.

Because I was so open about my history I get a lot of cheaters and betrayed people telling me their stories. Many of them are enjoying the affair, enjoying the fantasy and future faking, and have zero intention of actually doing anything resembling getting a divorce. They'll talk a big game, some for years, but won't do a damn thing.

.Yes, leaving with kids is complicated, and so are contentious divorces, but people manage it every day. Don't waste too much time on a dead end relationship. At some point, for your own emotional and mental health, you need to tell her to fish or cut bait and mean it.

 

MJJEAN

First of all thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot to open up and be honest with yourself. That’s what I’m doing. People will always judge and I’ve put myself in a perfect position for many people to judge me and this relationship I’m in. 

You found a way out and finally are happy with your DH. I’m glad you found what you needed. You seem to deserve better. She is in a very similar situation with trying to leaving her marriage but the kids hold her back. I think she at the point to just let it be and if he finds out then he finds out. We too want to do the right thing and not continue this for years and years as you state. We know we have done wrong but we’re trying to look at the bigger picture and find light at the end of the tunnel. We see it but others will not. And again i totally understand how people will judge us. Just like in your situation, you fell in love with your AP. We are in the same boat. It was totally unexpected but has been something we both would like to continue for the better. I believe she’s ready to come clean or let him find out to relieve all the built up stress on both sides. Hopefully it will end up very similar to your story. 

[mark clemson]

It does indeed sound highly dysfunctional. A logical thing to do from her perspective might be to "fight fire with fire" and of course tell everyone (including kids) about the H's affairs too. But that really doesn't help the kids any, does it.

Although it doesn't sound like you're leaning this direction, my thought would be to walk away and be very nice to her about it at least. There is still plenty of risk even doing that, but it reduces the discovery risk and so the risk that the kids get hurt by the infidelity aspects and whatever else the H might do.

I could understand the temptation to try to "rescue" her from this, given how you feel. But it's really not your place + the kids will then become "collateral damage". Depending on how messed up this H actually is, it may go beyond what he's already threatened. So not worth the risk IMO.

If the marriage is really that bad, what she should probably do IS leave, but she probably won't until the kids are 18+ at least, if ever. Possibly telling the H would change that dynamic, but I wouldn't put money on it, frankly.

I don't think there are any easy answers here. I guess feel free to keep us posted as you move forward if you're going to take the "tell the somewhat abusive H" path. Although again I wouldn't put any money on it, hopefully it will work out for the best.

Edited July 20, 2020 by mark clemson

[MJJean]

2 hours ago, VeryConfused12 said:

MJJEAN

First of all thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot to open up and be honest with yourself. That’s what I’m doing. People will always judge and I’ve put myself in a perfect position for many people to judge me and this relationship I’m in. 

You found a way out and finally are happy with your DH. I’m glad you found what you needed. You seem to deserve better. She is in a very similar situation with trying to leaving her marriage but the kids hold her back. I think she at the point to just let it be and if he finds out then he finds out. We too want to do the right thing and not continue this for years and years as you state. We know we have done wrong but we’re trying to look at the bigger picture and find light at the end of the tunnel. We see it but others will not. And again i totally understand how people will judge us. Just like in your situation, you fell in love with your AP. We are in the same boat. It was totally unexpected but has been something we both would like to continue for the better. I believe she’s ready to come clean or let him find out to relieve all the built up stress on both sides. Hopefully it will end up very similar to your story. 

The thing is, you can't go by what you believe will or may happen. You cannot go by what you hope will happen. You cannot go by what she says will happen. You have to go by her actions. Also, she doesn't get to use the kids as an excuse. If her marriage is so bad that she can justify affairs, it's bad enough that she cannot justify continuing to raise her kids in that home. And, no, no one can hide an abusive marriage rife with serial cheating on both sides from the kids. They overhear stuff you'd swear they were sleeping during. They pick up on the tension, the distance, the hostility, the coldness, and so on. They absorb these things as "normal". "Children live what they learn" isn't just an old saying. Research shows that kids tend to seek out future partnerships reminiscent of their parents marriage because that is comfortable, homey, normal for them. 

In other words, your cousin and his wife/your AP have repeatedly dropped nukes on their marriage and it's not good to raise the children in the radioactive rubble.

At this point, if she's not leaving for the kids then perhaps she has no real desire to actually, ya know, leave.

Remember, actions. Not words.

[Allupinnit]

Women need to start talking about their marital problems with their girlfriends or a therapist.  Men sense the vulnerability and weasel in, acting like the savior LOL.  If she is in an abusive marriage she is NOT used to making healthy relationship choices at this point and needs to recover before jumping in with her husband's cousin.  How would you even explain this to her kids??

If folks just made good decisions they could avoid all of this mess - all of these lives about to be blown apart!  Things don't just "happen" when you have the appropriate boundaries set up around your marriage.  

[Allupinnit]

Also you'd be stepdad to your second cousins.  I think you both are in for a huge sh*t storm when everyone finds out!

[BaileyB]

It’s doubtful that she will tell her husband she has been sleeping with his cousin and the husband is going to say, “Oh, okay then. We’ll just divorce and you are free to pursue this other relationship...” It’s a little naive to think that this isn’t going to be a total mess - IF she actually decides to leave her husband and file for divorce. 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

On 7/19/2020 at 2:26 AM, VeryConfused12 said:

This was totally unexpected. Just a talk here and there with problems they were having turned into having feelings for each other. Then came the intimacy and has taken off from there. She is still married and he has knowledge of us communicating over text/calls but nothing more than that. I have to say we both care for each other very much and DONT know where this is going. She’s a great person and is treated very poorly by her husband. 

 

16 hours ago, enigma32 said:

I have noticed that everyone having an affair says they are being treated poorly by their partner. Where I come from, cheating on your partner is treating them poorly. 

This encapuslates my response perfectly; she is not a victim. You are not the victim. Her husband is not the victim. There are no victims, there are just stupid people doing stupid things and thinking incredibly intelligent things will come to follow, not the case.

The fact that this woman would even entertain the idea of divorcing her husband for you is ridiculous; this would obviously cause complications in your family dynamics, not to mention you would be married to a woman that you can verifiably say cheated on her husband... Do you really want to date a cheater? Like, its one thing when you hear a story of someone cheating, because there is room for doubt, in this situation, without any room for doubt, your going to date a cheater?

OP, you need to give your head a shake until you got damn whiplash, this is seriously unbecoming of family.