How to tell my husband I'm not happy anymore

[lonely52]

Hello everyone, I’m new here and am looking for some advice...I’ve been married for 30 years now, mostly happy marriage. My husband is a good guy, but lacks any type of communication skill and it makes things harder and more complicated. Our marriage (from my point of view only) have been downhill in the last 7 years. Ups and downs as all things in life, but mostly in the south direction. I’m not happy any more. I feel lonely. Taking for granted. Ignored. Unappreciated.  I’ve made many attempts to tell my husband my feelings during this time,  was always initiated by me. He never takes the initiation to start a conversation, even if he sees I’m having hard time and am not happy (and I know he sees). Conversations always go well, and he agrees to make things better, but he never actually does...we agree to make another talk later, but he never initiates it, only me. It’s a one side conversation, when I talk, he listens, then he says he agrees, and nothing changes...I don’t think he means to hurt me , but he does , and I feel I reached that point when I’m not sure if I am still in love with this person anymore or just got used to live with him as a partner in the same house. We stopped having sex for at least 4 months, used to have sex on a daily basis till few years ago, then it started going down gradually, and now it’s almost non existing. And if it is existing, it’s not love making, it’s just sex. I don’t really know how to proceed from here. I’m tired of initiating those motivation talks, and it upsets me that he knows I’m sad but does  not ask or say anything. I was wondering if any of you might share the same experience and can share with me his advice. I’d love to hear from both, men and women. I’m just so frustrated and unhappy knowing things could have been different with a little more communication and care. Thank you so much for everyone. 

[Catlady1988]

How old are you both? Is 52 your age?

[lonely52]

Yap:) both are the same.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sorry to hear of your unsatisfying relationship. 

I'll just say you have started to answer your own question by simply writing here. So you have a husband is not emotionally responsive to you. Ok. This cannot be new. So for whatever reason you put up with this behavior for many years. So one step is to identify why you're not longer satisfied with the marriage. Some people just get more confident as time goes by ... or they simply can no longer hold their noses and put up with a distant spouse.

It's important that you identify what has changed because you need to empower yourself. Wanting more than you're getting in the relationship comes out of feeling like you want more out of life. So what has changed?

A friend of mine is married to a miserable guy, and she was very seriously considering leaving the marriage.  She decided to stay and to shift her life focus. She no longer asked him to go to the theater or to a concert or for a walk (he always said no). Instead, she started making friends with a bunch of women and she started to go out to those events on her own--without hubby. She founds this step to be tremendously liberating. In your case, you now know your husband is, for whatever reason, emotionally unresponsive. So deal with reality: stop trying to get his sympathy. Share your feelings with people who leave you feeling good. Do you have friendships?

My friend who found freedom in going out without her husband was helped ironically by a visit to a divorce lawyer. Divorce lawyers can actually be good sources of advice about what to do about a miserable marriage. They see the pain of divorce and the messiness. And this divorce attorney (a woman) asked my friend a series of questions. She wanted to know exactly why my friend wanted to leave the marriage.  It very well might have been the divorce attorney who suggested that she stop asking her husband to go out and instead to just go out on her own and to go out with friends. 

So maybe your first step is to develop friends. Do you have some good friends you can share your pain about the marriage with? Start there. It's time to start opening up to people. Lots of people in miserable marriages are too embarrassed to share what's going on, which leaves them isolated and closed off from good ideas and insights of others.  Plus, being open about your unhappiness ... is a way to respect yourself and what you're really feeling. You will get more clear on what's going on just by sharing your story. 

[lonely52]

Thank you lotsgoingon. Well, i don’t really have good friends to share with as I was married very young and started family and we were always very close and did everything together. This has stayed the same today as well. We do everything together. The change that made me unhappy is basically a combination of ‘had enough’’ and the change with his response. He wasn’t like this before. It has been changed and I can’t find the way to accept it without getting hurt. 
I’m aware to ups and downs in every relationship, especially a long one,  and I always (and I mean always) initiated the conversations. He never did. He always likes to let time do it’s stuff, but for me this always turned me into a volcano. So I used to initiate all the talks. 
and as much as I asked him to do the same, he never actually did it. 
I guess now as the initiate factor was added, I would rather day the lack of intimate factor that is added, I guess it’s too much for me and I’m starting to leak. To me it feels as I’m in the stage of a sponge that has absorbed for many years, and now it’s too full and starting to leak. I feel I’m in the this stage and I don’t know how to get out of it.

In your friend case, her husband never did things with her, so she was used to and just replaced his duty with friends. In my case it is not the issue of doing stuff together, he does all of the things with me, but the lack of empathy I guess and the lack of communication and intimacy.

I find myself today in a stage where it’s hard for me to say “I love you” and actually mean it ,as I feel as I have accumulated too much of resentment and it starting to show.

I actually feel today so distant that I, at times wonder if I’m at the right place at all. 
his new way of swiping things under the carpet is basically to tell me we will talk about it the next day, and then when the next day comes he says nothing. And that’s about it. From there nothing happens as I am tired of talking and waiting, just to see that he ignores it completely as nothing has happened.

to me, it feels as he does t care and think that if a day went by and I’m staying quiet than he is off the hook and life is back to normal. He can then out of a sudden feels he wants to have sex and can’t understand why I’m not in the mood...so this cycle looks to me hopeless...

I also took into consideration the age as I heard some guys (and of course women) are going through some sort of change and I thought to let it pass and see how things are going, but it’s getting worse with each passing time, so clearly this won’t be the solution for me...

I really feel stuck. Sometimes I just wish he would have taken the time to research online about those things, just like he does with all of the things he research online, and I even suggested him once to do so, but he never does it. I’m sure if he would have read online other people comments, stories and posts, he might get some insights of how I may feel, or how to progress his lack of communication, and even how deadly this behaviour is to any kind of marriage.

[Lotsgoingon]

So, sounds like your husband is emotionally blocked, stunted and limited in key ways.  And sometimes when you describe him, sounds like someone who is tired or who has given up on the relationship. 

Usually I would wonder if he's also unhappy with the marriage and doesn't know how to talk to you any more than you know how to talk to him.

You need to confront him ... but first ... I'm going to say something to you that I said to my friend when she was thinking of leaving her marriage. What's your money situation? Do you have access to the bank accounts? Or does your husband control all the spending? In the case of my friend, turned out that she actually controlled the money and said the husband wouldn't have a clue about accessing money.

I mention money because really ... sounds to me like this marriage is really over. You've been bugging him to open up, to take the initiative and he doesn't--ever. He just mopes around.  Did this guy have some kind of psychological trauma from childhood? Was he this passive and I'm going to use the harsh word--lazy--in his work and work relationships as he is with you?  Is there any chance he's depressed?

You've read a point where you can't really fake it anymore. So it's time to have a serious talk with him. But you've exhausted from talking to him and the ways he didn't respond to you throughout the marriage. Well ... then my next question is: what's the advantage and disadvantage of staying in the marriage? What's the advantage and disadvantage of leaving the marriage?

Have you ever been to therapy? This would be a great time to go. A therapist can help you with your thinking and even with making sure you've given your husband every chance to respond better.

But I feel for you: there is nothing worse that feeling bad in a marriage ... and then not feeling comfortable talking about feeling bad in the marriage. Nothing. 

Why don't you have some friends? This is the time to start that.  And you guys do everything together. That's actually NOT good. 

 

 

[notbroken]

The old saying 'better watch what you ask for - you might get it' comes to mind.   Are you sure your dissatisfaction with life is due to your husband?   Are you sure you would be better off without him?   Honestly, this sounds to me like a possible midlife crisis and he is taking much of the blame.  YOU are responsible for your happiness.  NOT your husband.   I doubt that's a popular position, but it is true.   Maybe finding a few friends, doing a few things outside the house, initiating sex yourself, etc might be an easier path than divorce - which will NOT be easy nor an automatic path to happiness.   

[curlygirl40]

This is a tough one.   

I was in this same boat after a marriage of about 18 years.   The difference is that he was emotionally abusive.  So I was feeling a lot of the same ways you are feeling, unappreciated, etc., etc but then also walking on eggshells waiting for the next outburst, etc.    

I'll give you some advice, but you need to remember when people here give you advice (online I mean, especially) they often give you advice as they are looking through the lens of their own life and it might not suit you or your life.   

My first piece of advice is that people don't change.   They just don't.   Not saying they can't change if they put in the effort or they won't make an effort.  But at the end of the day, people are who they are and they will act accordingly.  They will try not to hurt you, but they will act in the way that is comfortable to them even if their actions do hurt other people.   

So you say that your husband doesn't initiate this conversation.  And he won't.   You initiate this conversation because it's important to you.   As far as he's concerned, he's either really happy in the marriage with the status quo or maybe he's also not happy but he's given up or just doesn't care as much.  So he doesn't want to talk about it.  So sitting around waiting for him to discuss with you and make real change will not happen.    You could keep trying but it's likely he won't come around to talking about it.  

My ex and I eventually went to couples counseling and with the counselor he would say that he will make more of an effort, that he knows his marriage is in trouble, that he's going to do xy and z together, and then the minute we left the office he would do none of these things.   Because he didn't want to.      Then when he realized I really did have 1 foot out the door, he said he would do whatever it took to keep our marriage together.  And he did for about 2 months, our marriage was so much better during that time that we were more connected,  then after that he went back to berating my mother at Christmas in front of everyone else and yelling at the kids and saying horrible things, us walking on eggshells, on and on.     He can't white knuckle his way into being different.  

The only person you have control over is you.    I would try to find some friends, put effort into joining book clubs or something that interests you.   This way you are not putting all of your happiness into his bucket so to speak.     

I stayed in my marriage for way longer than I should have, and my therapist at the time even pointed out that it was likely because I was so fulfilled in every other area of my life that I didn't feel like it was necessary for me to leave my marriage to be happy.  So I'm not saying to just find friends and your life will be perfect.  But it will be better.   

Sex is tough because for women, foreplay comes before the bedroom.     If you're not feeling good about the marriage, you will likely not want to be naked with him.   And I'm sure this is an unconventional thought, but maybe you try anyway.  Maybe one comes before the next.  Maybe sex will make you feel closer and then it will lead to a better relationship because you're closer.   

I'm betting he's content with things the way things are and he's not willing to do anything different because he's content and doesn't feel like you need a change.    This is why you are putting so much effort into it but he is not.   He's happy enough so he doesn't want to talk about it.  

[amerikajin]

Maybe counseling? Is it too late for that?

[Wiseman2]

Stop having "motivation talks". It's talking to a wall. Nagging or "confronting" never improves anything.

Take action. Get out of your rut. Make him wonder. Get out of the house . Update your look. Get in shape. Do things with friends and family.

Marriage therapy may help, if you are serious about leaving. Otherwise it's more talk he can let go in one ear and out of the other 

Edited July 28, 2020 by Wiseman2

[schlumpy]

You said he wasn't always like this. You are aware that our bodies change as we get older. Some with better genes can keep some youthful qualities intact as they age but most fall into a gradual decline if not sudden wrack and ruin. You may have matched physically, emotionally and mentally earlier in life. All three of those qualities are age dependent.

If I wanted to save my marriage and not just escape, I would insist that my SO schedule a complete health checkup. That is certainly within your power to do and I think he owes it to you comply. I would not want to jump the ship just to look back and find out that a simple vitamin supplement would have solved everything or that he is pre-diabetic. I suggest you do the same so as not isolate him or paint him as the problem, even though you do consider him such. Consider it a starting point.

If your health chart comes back normal then take a look at what you do during the year and make some changes. Include regular exercise together. Walking three times a week would be good and you find that you quickly start to have favorite trails at the local parks.

If your vacations are cruise ship vacations then do something unique. Go on the Alaska cruise and meet some bears and watch glaciers calve ice into the sea. Buy a tent and a shared sleeping bag (they zip together) and head out to Yellowstone National Park. Go to sleep listening to the Madison river bubble down it's pathway and make sure when you get up night to go potty you look up at the sky.

Just the change in scenery and environment can many times reawaken that which is lying dormant.

Of course you may have wrinkled your nose my suggestions but the idea is for both of you to share a unique experience that is bonding. An adventure within your capablities that is remembered with a sense of wonder and makes both of you seek one another out to relive the experience if only through words.

Then again you could just walk out the door. Why try anymore? Just escape. It's his fault after all.

[stillafool]

I can pretty much guarantee that he is as unhappy with your marriage as you are but just being quiet and sucking it up because he thinks that is what he's supposed to do.  If you want to save your marriage you guys should look into marriage counseling.

[Luna66star]

It sounds to me like he's giving up on the relationship without actually saying so.   He has totally shut down.  No effort to communicate is a very bad sign.  Was he more communicative in previous years? He could be going through a mid life crisis with very low self esteem. 

I hate to bring this up but major detachment of this nature sometimes (not always) means a man has another woman he's close to.  He is now simply going through the motions with you. Not saying for sure this an affair applies here but this is a very major withdrawal from the marriage.  Just a thought.  

He's a good guy and they won't rock the boat because they want things to be perfect and not hurt anyone.

In any event, it's painful clear he is holding ALOT inside that he does not want to discuss.  You won't get anything out of this man by demanding he talk about stuff.  They retreat into a shell. His needs are not being met somehow and you are being totally shut out.

It may be too late but you can try complimenting him more or showing appreciation for the things he does around the house.  Hugging him might him feel more wanted too.

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

You have 3 options. Divorce. Marriage therapy. Keep limping along in quiet desperation.

Cover all the bases. Consult with an attorney just to see what that means for you. Call a therapist and start going yourself and later see if marriage therapy could help.

Consider that he has checked out perhaps due to age, mental health issues , an affair or the doldrums.

Go away for a while. Stay with friends or family to clear your head and reflect.

[LuckyM]

It sounds like you are well past the point of diminishing returns in the marriage when happiness has sharply dwindled.     What about a vacation for you two?  Even with the virus around. Be careful. Places that you both like.  Is that possible?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lonely, if you have tried everything else then you could try suggesting to your husband that you would like an open marriage. This could really open his eyes to the fact that your marriage is tethering on the brink of collapse and might shake him out of his somnabulance. If he rejects your suggestion out of hand  snd does not initoate positive changes along the lines as elaborated by you then you know that his mind is closed and that he will do nothing to change the status quo. In that case just ask him for s divorce up front and proceed with that decision. Do not waste more time mulling over thongs. Warm wishes.

[amerikajin]

On 7/28/2020 at 10:08 PM, Luna66star said:

It sounds to me like he's giving up on the relationship without actually saying so.   He has totally shut down.  No effort to communicate is a very bad sign.  Was he more communicative in previous years? He could be going through a mid life crisis with very low self esteem. 

I hate to bring this up but major detachment of this nature sometimes (not always) means a man has another woman he's close to.  He is now simply going through the motions with you. Not saying for sure this an affair applies here but this is a very major withdrawal from the marriage.  Just a thought.  

He's a good guy and they won't rock the boat because they want things to be perfect and not hurt anyone.

In any event, it's painful clear he is holding ALOT inside that he does not want to discuss.  You won't get anything out of this man by demanding he talk about stuff.  They retreat into a shell. His needs are not being met somehow and you are being totally shut out.

It may be too late but you can try complimenting him more or showing appreciation for the things he does around the house.  Hugging him might him feel more wanted too.

Maybe he's not giving up on the marriage, but he perceives the OP's unhappiness as a personal attack on him and his contributions to the relationship -- to be clear, I am not saying the OP *is* attacking him, only that he perceives it that way.

What the OP is talking about is the classic male/female confrontation that impacts most marriages at one point or another. Women are both biologically and culturally engineered to 'feel' more; men are both biologically and socially engineered to repress their feelings. The range of emotions that women feel is wider than what men feel. Males end up getting their egos hurt because even though they may love their wives, they don't love them the way that women want to be loved. Again, not saying women are wrong here, just an observation. Both have a responsibility to do what they can to address it.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lonely, there was one more point that I wanted to bring up which was whether the way you feel is because of the effects of menopause? Maybe you could consult a professional about this.