Called police on my partner, now I feel guilty. Did I do the wrong thing?

[Oscar1993]

So about 3 weeks ago my partner got blind drunk, he came in and was absolutely horrendous to me.

I won't go in to details as I posted previously but he apologised the next day, I forgave him and he promised me he wouldn't get that drunk again. Now I have no issue with him drinking, as long as he isn't like that towards me but obviously he cannot control himself after he's had a few drinks.

He went out Saturday and he promised me he would only have one beer, I didn't say anything or pressure him in to not drinkingl, but he phoned me and clearly he had had way more than that. He said himself he wouldn't drink like that again and he said himself that he would only have one beer. I He's came in and told me he wasn't drunk, whilst stumbling all over the place, he absolutely stank of alcohol. I said to him you promised you wouldn't do this again, and he got on the defensive, told me he hadn't drank and then said i promised I'd only have a couple of drinks which is the biggest lie.

He got so angry that I said he'd been drinking and I then told him i was going in the morning, he started shouting more abuse at me and walked out.

3 hours later he came back even drunker. He was hurling abuse at me and his temper is really intimidating, hes aggressive and will get right up in my face and call me names etc. I'm not perfect, ive definitely done things wrong in the past. Iknow its impossible to reason with a drunk, but the way he was talking to me was upsetting me and he just kept going on and on. I knew at that point I needed to get out. I don't even know what came over me but I dialed 999, and as soon as he heard me on the phone he left.

They checked I was OK, the lady I spoke to was lovely and finally I felt I had a way out of this mess. They sent out two officers to make sure I was fine. I told them I just wanted to leave, I haven't got him in any trouble. They stayed while I cleared my most important bits. Today I feel guilty. Was calling them a little extreme? I can't imagine that's a nice feeling, that your partner would do that to you. 

In between the phone call to the police he was shouting down the phone at me trying to make me get a story straight and then saying 'I haven't made you say this so don't tell them that' I wasn't even listening at this point, I just wanted leave.

I've spoken to him a few times since, yesterday he sounded really upset and kept asking me to come home. I wanted to give in. I miss my home already. I don’t know if I miss him. I start thinking to myself, if we only argue like that once a month, is it really that bad. Should I stay with him? Then I start thinking I'm crazy so even considering it. I guess its easier just to carry on as we were. It doesn't help that I get major anxiety when I'm away from home, I don't know what it is, I just need my home comforts and I've been the same since I was really tiny so being elsewhere is making me anxious and uncomfortable. I feel scared to start all over again. I'm 26, all my friends are getting engaged, having babies, getting married and now I'm alone.

[schlumpy]

If he gets himself into a program like AA or counseling then consider going back - if he shows progress.

Otherwise, for your own safety, you will have to stay away.

This type of behavior escalates. Don't wait until he physically hurts you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Good heavens girl, you're only 26. You talk about it as if you're over the hill already - you ain't even seen the top of the hill yet.

I mention this because it seems you're staying because of the "I'm past my prime" narrative you've constructed. Meaning, you're not there for the right reasons anymore. It's never a good sign when you stay in a toxic relationship just because you're afraid of being alone, especially when you're as young as you are. And while I get that people around you are settling down and starting families, it doesn't mean you should try to make that happen when your gut is screaming at you that this is the not the right man to build a life with. 

Your past thread together with this one suggest you need to end this once and for all. You are clearly not happy and your self-esteem has taken a beating. This isn't the sort of thing that tends to get better with marriage and children; in fact, it's often quite the opposite as the increased pressures of family life will lead many substance abusers further into their chosen substance. Imagine all of this happening in front of a child. 

Edited July 20, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Mystery4u]

You did not do the wrong thing by calling the police.

You DID do the wrong thing by even talking to him again after that, and even thinking about the possibility of going back.

You need to leave him for good and never look back, please have some self respect.

Work on yourself a bit so you know your value and how much you are worth - a lot more than letting yourself be treated like this by a drunk loser.

There are a lot of better men out there who will appreciate you for you and treat you with respect. Don't settle!

[d0nnivain]

Him doing that once per year is bad.  You can't live with him doing it once per month.  His drinking & the abuse will increase when you add in pressure like a wedding, marriage, a mortgage & kids.  Do you really want to put babies in danger from a drunk? 

A good rule of thumb, once you have to call the cops, it's OVER.  No going back.  Call the officers again & ask them for resources.  Look into Al-Anon it's a support group for people who love addicts  They will help make you stronger. 

When you feel weak like you want to go back think about all the times you were terrified of him yelling & remember you don't want a lifetime of that.  

[kendahke]

5 hours ago, Oscar1993 said:

Today I feel guilty. Was calling them a little extreme? I can't imagine that's a nice feeling, that your partner would do that to you. 

Is waking up in the hospital with an orbital bone fracture and after having your jaw wired shut because it was shattered extreme?

I can't image that would be a nice feeling--that your partner would do that to you, but alas, that's what happens when people disregard the danger they are in from a violent drunk.

[ShyViolet]

No, you shouldn't feel guilty at all for calling the police.  You need to GET OUT of this relationship.  You are in a relationship with a man who is actively an alcoholic and not getting help for his problem, and he is abusive to you.  You say you're afraid to start over?  My god, you're 26!!!!!  Do you have any idea how young you are?  I know when you are 26 you think you're "getting old" but let me tell you, you are YOUNG.  You have your whole life ahead of you.  Do not throw it away on an abusive relationships.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

11 hours ago, Oscar1993 said:

So about 3 weeks ago my partner got blind drunk, he came in and was absolutely horrendous to me.

I won't go in to details as I posted previously but he apologised the next day, I forgave him and he promised me he wouldn't get that drunk again. Now I have no issue with him drinking, as long as he isn't like that towards me but obviously he cannot control himself after he's had a few drinks.

He went out Saturday and he promised me he would only have one beer, I didn't say anything or pressure him in to not drinkingl, but he phoned me and clearly he had had way more than that. He said himself he wouldn't drink like that again and he said himself that he would only have one beer. I He's came in and told me he wasn't drunk, whilst stumbling all over the place, he absolutely stank of alcohol. I said to him you promised you wouldn't do this again, and he got on the defensive, told me he hadn't drank and then said i promised I'd only have a couple of drinks which is the biggest lie.

He got so angry that I said he'd been drinking and I then told him i was going in the morning, he started shouting more abuse at me and walked out.

3 hours later he came back even drunker. He was hurling abuse at me and his temper is really intimidating, hes aggressive and will get right up in my face and call me names etc. I'm not perfect, ive definitely done things wrong in the past. Iknow its impossible to reason with a drunk, but the way he was talking to me was upsetting me and he just kept going on and on. I knew at that point I needed to get out. I don't even know what came over me but I dialed 999, and as soon as he heard me on the phone he left.

They checked I was OK, the lady I spoke to was lovely and finally I felt I had a way out of this mess. They sent out two officers to make sure I was fine. I told them I just wanted to leave, I haven't got him in any trouble. They stayed while I cleared my most important bits. Today I feel guilty. Was calling them a little extreme? I can't imagine that's a nice feeling, that your partner would do that to you. 

In between the phone call to the police he was shouting down the phone at me trying to make me get a story straight and then saying 'I haven't made you say this so don't tell them that' I wasn't even listening at this point, I just wanted leave.

I've spoken to him a few times since, yesterday he sounded really upset and kept asking me to come home. I wanted to give in. I miss my home already. I don’t know if I miss him. I start thinking to myself, if we only argue like that once a month, is it really that bad. Should I stay with him? Then I start thinking I'm crazy so even considering it. I guess its easier just to carry on as we were. It doesn't help that I get major anxiety when I'm away from home, I don't know what it is, I just need my home comforts and I've been the same since I was really tiny so being elsewhere is making me anxious and uncomfortable. I feel scared to start all over again. I'm 26, all my friends are getting engaged, having babies, getting married and now I'm alone.

 

It was the right move...    and what you can't possibly factor-in to this   semi-clear-in-your-mind  scenario is how much WORSE he is going to GET over time.

 

We'd all love to tell you that YOU might realistically be able to play hero and savior to this guy...  and that he will be "scared straight"  by your threats.

 

But the reality is that none of us knows just HOW much he will escalate everything, perhaps simply for having (wrongly) felt that you've now 'betrayed' him by calling the police.