What is She Thinking

[JPT0918]

My relationship "ended" a few days ago. I had gotten into a spat with her and ended the relationship. It was an emotional decision on my part. So, I called her later in the evening to patch things up. She said I hurt her immensely due to strong feelings of abandonment. Although she insisted I ended the relationship, I told her I don't want the breakup, but she decided there would be no reconciliation.  Her reasoning was she felt trapped and controlled. She wants to be able to do her thing without any restrictions. Also, we were constantly fighting, which was more on her part than mine. She insisted we break up but also said she just needed a break. So, she could eventually come back to a refreshed new relationship with me. She wants to figure out how to make me happy.  She also admitted she's never had a guy treat her so well. Spoiling her. This  confuses the heck out of me. I told her I would respect her wishes and if she has a change of heart to contact me. 

Now, I don't know how to treat this. It's unclear to me as to what she really wants. Is she trying to let me down gently or is she taking a break. I must add she was wrapping up some classwork for her masters program. So, there might be some influence there. 

Any ideas what is really going through her mind? And the best way to salvage the relationship?

 

 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Describe the "spat."  What did you say to her? 

[JPT0918]

Describe the "spat."  What did you say to her? 

We had returned from a getaway, and she asked for some items she had for her daughter. I told her I would bring them to her. Well, she calls me as I'm pulling up and she has a male companion over. Keep in mind her mother was present in her home at the time. Well, I called her out on it. On the phone not at her home. I was upset because they dated at one time, but I believed the relationship had ended. And still believe it. However, I still find it unacceptable. She argued he's just a friend and there's nothing there and I'm being possessive and controlling. She called me crazy for going to her home. Yet, I told her I was heading over there. She insists he is only a friend and no more.  

 

[basil67]

You found her behaviour unacceptable so you dumped her.  You still find her behaviour unacceptable.   And she finds your behaviour unacceptable too. 

Why on earth are you wanting to get her back?

[Uptown182]

Did you know this ex was still in her life? Depending on how long you two were together I think she should’ve told you ahead of time that this friend was coming over give their past history.  I personally don’t stay friends with exes so this would definitely bother me.  
 

I don’t want to pour salt on an open wound but could this friend have something to do with your breakup? 
 

Whatever the reasoning behind it is, at this point you have to let her be and just wait for her to reach out to you.  Don’t call, text or go there it’ll just make matters worse.  She knows how you feel, the ball is in her court.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

1 hour ago, JPT0918 said:

Describe the "spat."  What did you say to her? 

We had returned from a getaway, and she asked for some items she had for her daughter. I told her I would bring them to her. Well, she calls me as I'm pulling up and she has a male companion over. Keep in mind her mother was present in her home at the time. Well, I called her out on it. On the phone not at her home. I was upset because they dated at one time, but I believed the relationship had ended. And still believe it. However, I still find it unacceptable. She argued he's just a friend and there's nothing there and I'm being possessive and controlling. She called me crazy for going to her home. Yet, I told her I was heading over there. She insists he is only a friend and no more.  

 

This was a big thing to leave out of the original story.

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like the end has been coming for a while and she wants out. She chose this spat to make her exit permanent. 

I wouldn't count on her coming back "refreshed.:" 

[basil67]

Yes.  Nothing like dumping someone who's wavering to make sure they leave.

[schlumpy]

Don't be plan B. It' sounds as if she's leaving the door cracked open just in case things don't work out the way she wants.

If she wants to contact you make her come to your house and face you. No texting to test the waters. No phone call to gauge feelings. Only face-to-face.

Anything else is sweeping it under the rug.

[Blind-Sided]

1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

Don't be plan B.

yep... what he said.

Sounds like you are the filler guy.  You broke up... stick to your guns, and leave. 

[d0nnivain]

There is nothing to salvage.  This "friendship" was disrespectful to your relationship. The repeated fights were indicative of the dysfunction, Your emotional break up then attempt to reconcile hours later is more evidence of a dysfunctional break up make up cycle.  You need better conflict management but in this case, the conflict necessitated ending the relationship.  The problem is why you want to salvage something that wasn't working.  

She's done.  In part she's probably conflicted.  Don't be surprised if she goes back to the guy you found at her house even if he treats her badly.  

 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

She was convenient to you and you, to her, this is what love is, convenience and now that it is no longer convenient, guess what, the love is gone too, makes u think huh hehe

[JPT0918]

21 hours ago, Uptown182 said:

Did you know this ex was still in her life? Depending on how long you two were together I think she should’ve told you ahead of time that this friend was coming over give their past history.  I personally don’t stay friends with exes so this would definitely bother me.  
 

I don’t want to pour salt on an open wound but could this friend have something to do with your breakup? 
 

Whatever the reasoning behind it is, at this point you have to let her be and just wait for her to reach out to you.  Don’t call, text or go there it’ll just make matters worse.  She knows how you feel, the ball is in her court.

I knew he had some role in her life, but was very surprised that she contacted him so soon after our trip. I tried to accept that they were no longer together but it's difficult when she isnt open about it. Obviously his presence led to the break up.  Because as she puts it, I'm too controlling and possessive. According to her, I can't tell her who she can be friends with. Which on some level is true, but because they have history together it's troubling. I don't like to be told I'm just being jealous.

Now that I'm no longer in the picture, I feel it will be real difficult for her to fill the void/loss. She will make the effort to spend more time with him, However, I think it will fall short. Primarily, because she would have left me a long time ago. So, I do anticipate however stubborn she is, she will return.  Overall our relationship was good. We experienced many adventures together. I demonstrated a lot  of patience and kindness towards her. During my absence I'm sure she will take the time to reflect and eventually realize she walked away from something special. Only time will tell.

I should also say, she requires an extreme amount of attention and reassurance. Along with a fear of abandonment. 

[JPT0918]

12 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

yep... what he said.

Sounds like you are the filler guy.  You broke up... stick to your guns, and leave. 

I wouldn't necessarily say filler guy. I just feel she doesn't want a serious relationship period. I just think she wants to bounce back and forth between us. Only having to deal with the good times. When things get a little rocky then she will switch up. I could be wrong but that's my prediction.

It's difficult but I will move on and restart my life without her.

[JPT0918]

22 hours ago, basil67 said:

You found her behaviour unacceptable so you dumped her.  You still find her behaviour unacceptable.   And she finds your behaviour unacceptable too. 

Why on earth are you wanting to get her back?

To be honest, she was a significant part of my life. It's troubling to think she is no longer there. 

[JPT0918]

12 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

There is nothing to salvage.  This "friendship" was disrespectful to your relationship. The repeated fights were indicative of the dysfunction, Your emotional break up then attempt to reconcile hours later is more evidence of a dysfunctional break up make up cycle.  You need better conflict management but in this case, the conflict necessitated ending the relationship.  The problem is why you want to salvage something that wasn't working.  

She's done.  In part she's probably conflicted.  Don't be surprised if she goes back to the guy you found at her house even if he treats her badly.  

 

You are correct she did go back to him. My guess is because she needs to replace me. I know it seems as though she is interested in a relationship with him. But he had his chance previously and it fizzled. I believe she sees our issues as my problem and once she feels I've calmed down then she will return. However, I won't accept her continuing the relationship with him.

[JPT0918]

14 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Don't be plan B. It' sounds as if she's leaving the door cracked open just in case things don't work out the way she wants.

If she wants to contact you make her come to your house and face you. No texting to test the waters. No phone call to gauge feelings. Only face-to-face.

Anything else is sweeping it under the rug.

I completely agree with your comments. Even though she sounded definite in the break up, I think she doesn't want to lose me as an interchangeable partner because eventually, she knows she will tire of him, and I'm readily available. If she comes around, things will  be much different. I will not welcome her back with open arms.

[kendahke]

On 7/20/2020 at 10:37 PM, JPT0918 said:

Is she trying to let me down gently or is she taking a break.

Quote

she decided there would be no reconciliation.  Her reasoning was she felt trapped and controlled. She wants to be able to do her thing without any restrictions. Also, we were constantly fighting, which was more on her part than mine. She insisted we break up

It sounds like she's done. Act accordingly.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 7/22/2020 at 4:05 AM, JPT0918 said:

But he had his chance previously and it fizzled. 

And yet....she still keeps him around. 

This isn't someone you can have a real relationship with, OP. She's not committed enough to you. With or without her ex hanging around, her heart and mind aren't really with you if she's capable of this sort of thing. Her continued "friendship" with him is just the symptom of a bigger problem. 

[d0nnivain]

On 7/21/2020 at 10:05 PM, JPT0918 said:

You are correct she did go back to him. My guess is because she needs to replace me. I know it seems as though she is interested in a relationship with him. But he had his chance previously and it fizzled. I believe she sees our issues as my problem and once she feels I've calmed down then she will return. However, I won't accept her continuing the relationship with him.

 

On 7/21/2020 at 10:10 PM, JPT0918 said:

I completely agree with your comments. Even though she sounded definite in the break up, I think she doesn't want to lose me as an interchangeable partner because eventually, she knows she will tire of him, and I'm readily available. If she comes around, things will  be much different. I will not welcome her back with open arms.

You mistake your role in her life.  You think he's the gap filler for you.  It's the other way around. 

You may have treated her well but she prefers him.  

The fact that you would even consider taking back a woman who needs such high levels of attention & reassurance after the way she threw this other guy in your face is crazy. You say things will be different but they won't. When it comes to her she knows she can walk all over you. I can see it from here.  

[JPT0918]

On 7/22/2020 at 11:32 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

And yet....she still keeps him around. 

This isn't someone you can have a real relationship with, OP. She's not committed enough to you. With or without her ex hanging around, her heart and mind aren't really with you if she's capable of this sort of thing. Her continued "friendship" with him is just the symptom of a bigger problem. 

I think she keeps him around because she needs an "extreme" amount of male attention. Now that I've had some time to reflect, it appears she has strong BPD/NPD characteristics. This would explain her contacting him after returning from our getaway her contacting him. To ensure he was still a source of attention. I imagine she has increased her time with him to fill the void of me being out of the picture. Once she gets bored with him (the sweet girl shield will be dropped at this time) because she will, she will attempt to come back "refreshed" and ready to start over. 

[JPT0918]

On 7/23/2020 at 4:49 AM, d0nnivain said:

 

You mistake your role in her life.  You think he's the gap filler for you.  It's the other way around. 

You may have treated her well but she prefers him.  

The fact that you would even consider taking back a woman who needs such high levels of attention & reassurance after the way she threw this other guy in your face is crazy. You say things will be different but they won't. When it comes to her she knows she can walk all over you. I can see it from here.  

Yes, I can see your point. I meant he was the time gap filler while we are separated. Her need for attention and reassurance is off the charts.  Thus the bouncing back and forth between the both of us. She must have been on cloud nine knowing all her needs were met by both of us. I would say I am more of a father figure to her and he represented a chance to relive her youth  (She turns 40 in October, which has affected her behavior).  I gave her too much and did allow her to walk all over me.  I got sucked into this and I'm slowly getting out of it as each day passes.  

I know she will eventually reach out because she will become  bored of him and will seek the safety I provided. That's when the cycle will start all over again. Hopefully, by then the door will be completely shut.