QuietRiot Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 In a recent situation where a co-worker was suffering from a break up, I couldn't help but notice she immediately put up a dating profile straight away after getting out a long term relationship. There's also the thought of what people, esp. women, are using online dating for. Like some kind of fix or attention or coping mechanism. I think some of these dating profiles run in parallel with their social media and treat it no different as such and not really using online dating to meet people in person. For instance, there's a local Spanish teacher that's been using online dating for a while...on and off...she even appears in my "People you may know" area of FB. Totally flaunting her bikini in her photos as she's a bikini model on the side..or perhaps used to do it and is still hanging on to it via social media. Saw her on a dating site today with little effort put into the profile. No write-up. And I couldn't help but think, that some people aren't taking this at all seriously or what percentage of people online really want to meet for drinks or lunch or whatever? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 yep. and that's why I stayed away from it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 No brainer , saw 100s of them back when. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 A lot of these apps promote themselves with taglines such as try for free, take a look, etc. And that's true. If someone shows up in your people you may know section, it means you are viewing thier profile and you'll show up in their people you may know section Link to post Share on other sites
JRabbit Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 90% of the mens profiles I see online have no write up. Its not just women. I think some use it for attention, validation, hook ups, to see whose on there, and some actually to find a partner. It can be a distraction after a break up. Usually a red flag to see someone on there so quickly after break up though. Definitely a distraction but not necessarily a good one. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 So when you see no effort swipe left. What's the problem? The convenience of OLD is part of what makes it unreliable. Anything that is too easy isn't valued. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 It can be a distraction, but can also be an attempt to feel better about oneself after a breakup. Perhaps even an attempt to move from a scarcity mindset (“I’ll never find someone as good as my ex”) to an abundance mindset (“Turns out I have lots of options!”). Whatever the reason, if there’s minimal effort in the profile, and you’re looking for something meaningful, as @d0nnivain said, just swipe left. No muss, no fuss. Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 and the point being? Different strokes for different folks, one person's serious effort is to another person over sharing. Add in the men who seem to want to just be pen pals and yo get all kinds...especially if the site is free. Your Spanish teacher, why shouldn't she treat it the way she does? If it is attracting the men she wants to attract then it is working, that it would not be enough to attract someone else, so what. I wouldn't say she lacks seriousness, she may be very serious about her relationships and may vet men more in person than through her profile...if she has a bikini photo on her profile she probably learned that whatever she says makes little difference and is likely more just a road map for a guy to play her. Better to leave it sparse. I'm more concerned about the men on OLD who seem to take it as opportunity to criticize women's profiles (not here as venting here is cool, but directly to them) and tell them what they are doing wrong and how they will never get this or that, are being unsafe, etc., real creepazoids. What's up with those judgmental types? Just for the record they are always wrong in their judgments, and judgment it is, not friendly advice. It seems every women I ever met through OLD has such a story to tell; some of these doofs even make the first meet all about that...interspersed often with how women this, women that, ex-wife, blah, blah , blah. I'm sure they think they are being helpful. The world is full of the flighty, judgmental, and generally self absorbed people, the internet is truly made for them, them and our AI overlords. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 As to coping mechanism, I have to admit I do like receiving attention on OLD, who doesn't? It can make one feel wanted, sure it is a purely shallow and of little meaning "wanting" but better than nothing and the fact that others are interested in you can take the sting out of a breakup. As can any attention that positively reaffirms us, be it recognition for a job well done, friends asking one out, or best of all my dog coming up and bringing me his favorite toy to play with or resting his head on my lap in contentment. I'm never one to begrudge people their coping mechanisms that do no harm, and if they are not healthy for them...well they are adults and that is their choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 Sure, many people on dating sites aren't serious about it. And in my experience, you meet just as many people in the wild who aren't serious - even more. What I like about dating sites is that you can discuss upfront what your intentions are. After my basic screening process, I've never found myself on a date with a guy who wasn't clearly looking for the same thing I was, a meaningful relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 The thing is, Online Dating is a great way to troll people, plain and simple... We all expect everyone online to be somewhat respectful and LOTS of people put a lot more trust in a picture/bio than they ever should. There needs to be systems put into place to prevent trolling, because its rampant... A lot of individuals will go on some Woke conquest by putting up a picture of an underaged girl and trying to lure guys to meet them, its a whole community of people called Creep Catchers, something like this and yes, they are doing good for the community, definitely, but all the same, its the same tactic the trolls use and is essentially trolling, in my opinion. Anything that people can spend time doing and can potentially get a positive or negative response from, people will use to escape from their problems. Hell, I know a woman who used to rely on the dating app to eat, shed laugh at me using Skip The Dishes and just head to PoF. Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 Of course. Role play as a woman dealing with a recent and difficult break up. You're feeling depressed and lonely but aren't quite up to the task of heavy socializing or dating. You set up a modest profile with a few full body pics and the messages from men come rolling in. You opt to converse with a few of the more interesting gentlemen as a distraction and as a potential self-confidence boost. You still don't feel like going out on a date or socializing but you receive a fair amount of gratification from the attention on the site. And, the added bonus is you didn't put yourself out there much at all due to the nature of OLD. I've corresponded with several women via OLD who I felt were doing what I wrote above. I found out they were recently single, either through their profile or conversation and it became apparent they were content to flirt and chat. And nothing more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 1 hour ago, OatsAndHall said: I've corresponded with several women via OLD who I felt were doing what I wrote above. I found out they were recently single, either through their profile or conversation and it became apparent they were content to flirt and chat. And nothing more. Men do this, too. I have two quick, easy ways to filter them out: 1. How long have you been single? If it's too recent, I immediately disregard them. 2. If he seems to want a texting buddy only, doesn't ask to meet or talk on the phone within the first exchange or two, next. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuietRiot Posted July 21, 2020 Author Share Posted July 21, 2020 2 hours ago, OatsAndHall said: Of course. Role play as a woman dealing with a recent and difficult break up. You're feeling depressed and lonely but aren't quite up to the task of heavy socializing or dating. You set up a modest profile with a few full body pics and the messages from men come rolling in. You opt to converse with a few of the more interesting gentlemen as a distraction and as a potential self-confidence boost. You still don't feel like going out on a date or socializing but you receive a fair amount of gratification from the attention on the site. And, the added bonus is you didn't put yourself out there much at all due to the nature of OLD. I've corresponded with several women via OLD who I felt were doing what I wrote above. I found out they were recently single, either through their profile or conversation and it became apparent they were content to flirt and chat. And nothing more. Yeah, kind of reminds me of those hotlines you could call back in the 80s and 90s late at night...lol. "Chat, flirt, etc". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 (edited) 7 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: Sure, many people on dating sites aren't serious about it. And in my experience, you meet just as many people in the wild who aren't serious - even more. What I like about dating sites is that you can discuss upfront what your intentions are. After my basic screening process, I've never found myself on a date with a guy who wasn't clearly looking for the same thing I was, a meaningful relationship. Yeah back when l thought the same. The one l was on had a bit of a question thing too and anyone serious did at least the basics on that and then their answers just showed on their profile so you could also see those at a glance too. And for me the few most important answers were , divorced ? so you see right there they are divorced , how long was your longest relationship ? the longest answer you could tick was over 10yrs , so if they had that ticked you could see right there they'd had at least one long and serious relationship or marriage. How many kids ? what are you looking for - soul mate , marriage , is marriage important to you , casual , a dinner partner , just friends ? and things like that . So whatever they answered was just right there at a glance. It was just one little line of answers below their write up but if they filled it in it said it all right there. And then in their write up at top of the page they'd talked about themselves and what they were looking for. Anyone with their head screwed on it would show to be in a good place and their attitudes and care and stuff right there too. lt didn't have to be a mile long matter of fact l found the mile long ones were the real worries , usually like one long day glow red flag cross their head, STAY AWAY FROM ME I'M MESSED UP , man some of the stuff they'd say, any guy with half a brain would be running like hell . It also had the same thing for interests and hobbies , just a simple little list below those next, of things they were into So l'm not sure what the other sites were like but on mine it was all pretty basic simple stuff spotting the for real ones and getting an idea of thee type of person they were. Edited July 21, 2020 by chillii 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 13 minutes ago, chillii said: So whatever they answered was just right there at a glance. matter of fact l found the mile long ones were the real worries , usually like one long day glow red flag cross their head, STAY AWAY FROM ME I'M MESSED UP , man some of the stuff they'd say, any guy with half a brain would be running like hell YES! Man, almost every post of yours, I end up laughing and saying YES! 😄 The dudes are the SAME way. Any guy who writes a loooongass essay on his profile, you can see within 2 paragraphs he's got major issues. Like, dude, who wants to read all that?! It's not leaving anything for our first date conversation! And yes, last time I was on a dating site, I could tell within 10 seconds if the guy was a time-waster or not. Of course, most of them are, but it's sooo easy to see that and just not even talk to them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted July 22, 2020 Share Posted July 22, 2020 (edited) Yeah right . You know , really on a date site l found all that stuff a real advantage tbh , as apposed to out in the wild haha. l mean you have all the basics right there , pretty good head start really , l thought. Funny nah l never really took much of a look at the guys, glanced a couple at the start . But yeah l'd imagine it'd all pan out in pretty much the same ways , there'd be some pretty scary characters is my guess. Edited July 22, 2020 by chillii 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted July 22, 2020 Share Posted July 22, 2020 18 hours ago, chillii said: So l'm not sure what the other sites were like but on mine it was all pretty basic simple stuff spotting the for real ones and getting an idea of thee type of person they were. I agree––up to a point. Dating sites are a collecting place for people who have something going on emotionally that prevents them from being able to connect with and accept others readily. Many are long-term singles for good reason. The specifics vary quite a bit I guess, but my theory is that having been wounded in the past results in an inability to be vulnerable, and of course if you can't embrace vulnerability you can't love another person. It's a classic defense mechanism that prevents a recurrence of heartbreak at the cost of loneliness and isolation. For most this is a subconscious process, and being on a dating site allows them the delusion that they are seeking and able to love. But what happens is that they find a reason to reject everyone they meet. Any little thing can be a deal breaker. It's probably quite different for men and women. Since I date women, they are the ones I'm more aware of. I think what happens is that they set the threshold or walls impossibly high. Sure if the perfect man were to come along––wealthy, high status, tall, debonaire, drop dead gorgeous, and maybe some royal blood––and if he were to take one look at her and be totally smitten and all in such that there is zero risk of rejection, he might overcome that high threshold. But a mere mortal, not a phukking chance. The fact that they have so many men making bids gives them reassurance and they grow confident of their high desirability that they believe they're doing the right thing by holding out for perfection. Thus the mantra, "Never Settle." And they don't. They achieve a kind of homeostasis between their aversion to vulnerability, the delusion that they're actually putting themselves out there, and the reinforcement they receive in the form of compliments and offers for dates, which sort of substitutes for meeting the need for real connection and companionship. It becomes a comfort zone that they aren't much motivated to step outside of... except for that unicorn described above. The Paradox of Choice is more powerful than most of us realize. It's affects us all, even if we've never heard the term. The more choices we have, the harder it is to make a choice, and the less satisfied we will be when we do make a choice. With OLD and it's literally unlimited choices, why would anyone ever want to commit when just playing the game is so damn mesmerizing? No one will ever be as good as a fertile imagination. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted July 22, 2020 Share Posted July 22, 2020 Except people do find dates and relationships through online dating. I dated women too and didn’t find any problems finding dates or relationships. If the paradox of choice were so powerful, that wouldn’t happen. I think a more common phenomenon then using OLD as a coping mechanism is aspirational dating, which would be magnified in OLD. Fo the most part, people are getting a behaviour, for example a rejection, and then attaching some sort of meaning to it that is made up. The woman is just using OLD as a coping mechanism or they’re standards are too high as a defense mechanism. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 Not sure I understand the question.....or is it just a rant?? Anyway...sure, just about any woman, even a 2/10 can get some cheap validation and ego boost by putting themselves out there,. just look at the ubiquitous picture posting that you see all around you from various women...Crazy part is that IME, most of those photos are doctored...And to be frank, if a guy could pull it off and get similar validation, he'd probably do it as well..... What can you do about it? Nothing....don't concern yourself with it... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 (edited) To my mind back in the day , no doubt about it there was everything on mine everyone has talked about , and then some , But there was also a percentage that were just genuine women looking for a serious ,or in my age group lifes partner actually , and on it due to all the similar innocent reasons l was on it myself . lt's just one outlet , we all knew it was very unlikely you would meet that person , but it doesn't hurt to try it out , never know, life changes as you get older yaknow , not everyone has a million friends or wants to go out hitting the town again. Your thrown into singleton after 20yrs of marriage. Every woman l met , were basically in the same situation and wanting the same thing, good women , l live with one of them . But as l always say they were also very easy to pick among the rest of the rubbish and l do have very good tastes in women too haha , which helps a helluva lot too if posts around ls are anything to go by. Edited July 23, 2020 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 @Weezy1973 Sure, many people find it easy enough to get dates and relationships. I have as well. Exceptions do not a prove the theory wrong. I'm not saying it applies to every individual, or that such people are so messed up they never accept a date. The aspirational phenomenon dovetails perfectly with what I am describing. Having a threshold that is unrealistically high is pretty much the same thing. The research paper on aspirational dating didn't go into the reasons people do it, it mostly presented data proving that it exists. It's all related and interwoven. High threshold as a defense, aspirational visions, and the paradox of choice. And yes, there are some well adjusted folks, and probably some lesser as well, who thrive in spite of everything. What I am saying is there is inherent resistance in the group overall to achieving what most say they want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuietRiot Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 4 hours ago, enigma32 said: A friend of mine was telling me that a girl she knows only keeps a profile online so she can troll men and post their pictures/messages on her Facebook for laughs. This came up because I remember sending the girl a message last year when I was using OLD. I guess I am lucky that I didn't send her anything she felt was worth posting about on FB. Yeah,a teacher friend of mine was telling me about a co-worker (woman) that was showing off her smart phone to people and bragging about the huge inbox messages she obtained. She never once met anyone...just liked the ego stroking. Online dating has become more of a slot machine handle pull. Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuietRiot Posted July 24, 2020 Author Share Posted July 24, 2020 On 7/21/2020 at 11:34 AM, SumGuy said: As to coping mechanism, I have to admit I do like receiving attention on OLD, who doesn't? It can make one feel wanted, sure it is a purely shallow and of little meaning "wanting" but better than nothing and the fact that others are interested in you can take the sting out of a breakup. As can any attention that positively reaffirms us, be it recognition for a job well done, friends asking one out, or best of all my dog coming up and bringing me his favorite toy to play with or resting his head on my lap in contentment. I'm never one to begrudge people their coping mechanisms that do no harm, and if they are not healthy for them...well they are adults and that is their choice. Do no harm? Well, if you're just trolling/catfishing the dating sites without any intention of meeting the person face-to-face, I'd say there's some harm being done. Link to post Share on other sites
jspice Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 No there’s no harm being done. They haven’t taken anything from you, nor have they scanned you. You simply move on to the next one. I see your complaints have remained unchanged from way back 🤣 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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