Online dating sites as a coping mechanism?

[QuietRiot]

6 minutes ago, jspice said:

No there’s no harm being done. They haven’t taken anything from you, nor have they scanned you. 
You simply move on to the next one. 
 

 I see your complaints have remained unchanged from way back 🤣

Well...it's game playing really as I've seen said in profiles "no game paying"

From way back? I haven't been here long.

[jspice]

You move on. Like you’ve always been advised to do. 

[guy45]

On 7/22/2020 at 12:07 PM, salparadise said:

I agree––up to a point. Dating sites are a collecting place for people who have something going on emotionally that prevents them from being able to connect with and accept others readily. Many are long-term singles for good reason. The specifics vary quite a bit I guess, but my theory is that having been wounded in the past results in an inability to be vulnerable, and of course if you can't embrace vulnerability you can't love another person. It's a classic defense mechanism that prevents a recurrence of heartbreak at the cost of loneliness and isolation. For most this is a subconscious process, and being on a dating site allows them the delusion that they are seeking and able to love. But what happens is that they find a reason to reject everyone they meet. Any little thing can be a deal breaker.

It's probably quite different for men and women. Since I date women, they are the ones I'm more aware of. I think what happens is that they set the threshold or walls impossibly high. Sure if the perfect man were to come along––wealthy, high status, tall, debonaire, drop dead gorgeous, and maybe some royal blood––and if he were to take one look at her and be totally smitten and all in such that there is zero risk of rejection, he might overcome that high threshold. But a mere mortal, not a phukking chance. The fact that they have so many men making bids gives them reassurance and they grow confident of their high desirability that they believe they're doing the right thing by holding out for perfection. Thus the mantra, "Never Settle." And they don't. They achieve a kind of homeostasis between their aversion to vulnerability, the delusion that they're actually putting themselves out there, and the reinforcement they receive in the form of compliments and offers for dates, which sort of substitutes for meeting the need for real connection and companionship. It becomes a comfort zone that they aren't much motivated to step outside of... except for that unicorn described above.

The Paradox of Choice is more powerful than most of us realize. It's affects us all, even if we've never heard the term. The more choices we have, the harder it is to make a choice, and the less satisfied we will be when we do make a choice. With OLD and it's literally unlimited choices, why would anyone ever want to commit when just playing the game is so damn mesmerizing? No one will ever be as good as a fertile imagination. 

 

 

What you're saying makes sense. So what are men supposed to do if women have so many options and never seem to choose in the online world?

[devilish innocent]

Just because the break-up was recent, it doesn't mean she wasn't meeting people in person. I know somebody who is separating from their spouse. They still lives with the spouse. They're still being financially supported by the spouse. They still post pictures on Facebook of them and their spouse having fun together. Their Facebook status (and that of their spouse) just say they're single. If anybody asks either of them, they say they're divorcing. Pretty much the very first thing this person did after they and their spouse "broke up" was join an on-line dating site. I know they did go on actual dates with at least one person.

Don't ask me what the logic was. I doubt they were truly ready for a new relationship. I suspect they may not have realized that though. The only other time they ended a serious relationship, it was because they'd fallen for the person they later married. They had transitioned from one relationship to another without a grieving period in between. I wouldn't be surprised if they thought it was always as simple as saying one relationship was over and beginning a new one.

[QuietRiot]

9 hours ago, devilish innocent said:

Just because the break-up was recent, it doesn't mean she wasn't meeting people in person. I know somebody who is separating from their spouse. They still lives with the spouse. They're still being financially supported by the spouse. They still post pictures on Facebook of them and their spouse having fun together. Their Facebook status (and that of their spouse) just say they're single. If anybody asks either of them, they say they're divorcing. Pretty much the very first thing this person did after they and their spouse "broke up" was join an on-line dating site. I know they did go on actual dates with at least one person.

Don't ask me what the logic was. I doubt they were truly ready for a new relationship. I suspect they may not have realized that though. The only other time they ended a serious relationship, it was because they'd fallen for the person they later married. They had transitioned from one relationship to another without a grieving period in between. I wouldn't be surprised if they thought it was always as simple as saying one relationship was over and beginning a new one.

Kinda like monkey-branching.

[QuietRiot]

9 hours ago, guy45 said:

What you're saying makes sense. So what are men supposed to do if women have so many options and never seem to choose in the online world?

Yeah, so often I see these same women, throughout the years. Some on and off, and some permanent fixtures of these sites, remain their indefinitely. It got me thinking to even start a new thread...something like, "If women had limited options, would they just go with the limited selection of men they have in say...in their social circle or only encounter locally via their day-to-day lives/networks?"

[basil67]

1 hour ago, QuietRiot said:

"If women had limited options, would they just go with the limited selection of men they have in say...in their social circle or only encounter locally via their day-to-day lives/networks?"

Back in the day, we all pretty much met and married the people who fit the above description and we were no more unhappy than those who today who have a myriad of choices.   Mind you, none of us moaned about "not being able to meet anyone", nor did we get in a flap if we were single and sexless for a year.    However it's now a moot point because OLD isn't going away.

 

Edited August 8, 2020 by basil67

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 7/21/2020 at 3:50 AM, QuietRiot said:

In a recent situation where a co-worker was suffering from a break up, I couldn't help but notice she immediately put up a dating profile straight away after getting out a long term relationship. There's also the thought of what people, esp. women, are using online dating for.  Like some kind of fix or attention or coping mechanism. I think some of these dating profiles run in parallel with their social media and treat it no different as such and not really using online dating to meet people in person.

For instance, there's a local Spanish teacher that's been using online dating for a while...on and off...she even appears in my "People you may know" area of FB. Totally flaunting her bikini in her photos as she's a bikini model on the side..or perhaps used to do it and is still hanging on to it via social media. Saw her on a dating site today with little effort put into the profile. No write-up.  

And I couldn't help but think, that some people aren't taking this at all seriously or what percentage of people online really want to meet for drinks or lunch or whatever?

 

You'd do well to get into a website presented as a coping mechanism  for those wishing to get away from online dating sites.