Matrix1776 Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 I'm open to advice :/ I got married 2 years ago, and have just been unhappy ever since. This is my second marriage, I'm 35 and she's 25. First, she rushed me into marriage, she was already planning it 6 months into the relationship. I don't mean the following to be sexist in any way. Since marriage we haven't had sex, she hasn't cooked, hasn't cleaned, and belittles me constantly. We have no compatible interests for religion, politics. My laundry is always done, and after 15 baskets full dirty, she calls her mom to come do it. With Covid19, things really got frustrating and messy. At one point there was over 20 cups on her nightstand full of mold. Prior to her moving in, I could have licked the floors it was kept that clean. I've since gained 50 pounds, I'm just basically stress eating. You could say, well just divorce. At this point we've intermingled so many obligations and financial things (cars, bills, credit), that I don't even know how to do a clean break. She works full-time, no kids or net worth, so I don't think she can really do much in terms of getting spousal support any money from me. Plus this pretty much ruins any chance of me every considering marriage in the future. What to do?! I'm an educated professional, several advanced degrees, great career, I shouldn't be struggling in my home life so much. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 5 minutes ago, Matrix1776 said: First, she rushed me into marriage, she was already planning it 6 months into the relationship Serious question, but why did you go along with this? She couldn't have rushed you without your tacit consent. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 Get a cleaning service at least once a week. Send your clothes to the cleaners. Does she see herself as a trophy wife? How long after your divorce did you start dating her? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JRabbit Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 Unless you were held at gun point no one forced you into marriage. I am sorry you are going through this, I know all too well what it is like being married to someone who doesn't carry their share of the weight, but I have to ask, is this new behaviour from her? Did you live together before marriage? Was she ambitious and clean then and has changed or has she always been a lazy slob. Have you thought about couples therapy? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 A house keeper but such a person might not be willing to deal with mold regularly. Couples therapy Exercise And if that doesn't work a divorce. It really is that simple. You may think it's complicated to undo all the intertwined financials but divorce lawyers do that all day every day as part of their jobs. To them it's easy & old hat. Let the experts handle it & get your life back 3 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 been there done that...send her divorce papers ASAP Link to post Share on other sites
Author Matrix1776 Posted July 21, 2020 Author Share Posted July 21, 2020 1 hour ago, alphamale said: been there done that...send her divorce papers ASAP My mentality is getting there so fast! Obviously she won't sign them, so setting myself up for a battle. 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Get a cleaning service at least once a week. Send your clothes to the cleaners. Does she see herself as a trophy wife? How long after your divorce did you start dating her? I wash and put away my clothes every basket. Maybe as a trophy wife? I'm older, graduate degrees, six figure salary. At home she's just very, very lazy. I don't know how else to put it. At work she seems to excel with motivation. But at home it's laying in bed watching TV. We didn't live together before marriage, she was with her parents. My house was always flawlessly clean, not even specs of dust on the ceiling fans. I honestly think they did 100% for her, she probably never lifted a finger, and food was just on the table. How long after the divorce...about 7 years. This isn't a rebound by any stretch- I have dated on/off all that time. Yes, it's my fault I wasn't forced into marriage. At the same time, I didn't know all this. We had sex every time she was over, no limits. She was very well put together, dressed nice, the sweetest person imaginable. Yea we were kind of lazy in that we'd go out to eat, movies, cuddling, sex. I hear stories like this, but after 5, 10, 15 years. It wasn't even one, almost literally putting on the ring turned into this as she moved into my house. Link to post Share on other sites
gamon Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 No such thing as a clean break when you're married- that's why it's considered to be a commitment. At least there's no kids involved, now that gets complicated. Good news is that it's only been 2 years you won't be on the hook for spousal support for that long. Could be worse. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 First you don't need her permission to divorce her. It should be pretty easy and a lawyer can separate your stuff. If you don't own property together you can untangle everything in one weekend. She will not change but only get worse if kids come along. Didn't you know anything about her before you married her? How did she trick you when you have 10 years on her and are very educated? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 I wouldn't stay in this. The faster you get out, the more of your money you protect. But think long and hard why you took vows to love someone till death do you part, a second time, so quickly and easily. Sounds desperate and unwise. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 7 hours ago, Matrix1776 said: I got married 2 years ago ... Since marriage we haven't had sex, So, THAT part should have been addressed 1.5+ or more years ago IMHO. The rest of your post makes it sound like she is generally a dysfunctional partner who won't care for her surroundings and is somewhat abusive to you, both via "belittling" and via neglect. She lured you in IMO by appearing to be someone she is not. You won't be able to change her IMO unless she wishes to change. Even then it may take a LOT of effort plus the assistance of a licensed professional therapist. You should think and plan accordingly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 So you either go through the hard work in the short term (divorcing with all the related expenses and unpleasantness) and then in a year or so have freedom and peace of mind, or....... you go on like this for years and stress yourself out and eat yourself into an early grave. People (including me) unravel marriages of many decades with surely much more complicated financial intermingling. One of only a few years is certainly not an impossible challenge. It may not be clean and easy, but it's certainly doable. "Never considering marriage in the future" might not be such a bad thing, that wouldn't be anywhere on my list of concerns in this situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 She didn't "rush" you into marriage. That is a cop-out. Take responsibility for your poor decision to get married when you shouldn't have. So basically you married someone who you really didn't know that well. She changed into a different person once you got married. Ok. It sounds like this marriage is headed for divorce whether you are ready to face that now, or not. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Matrix1776 Posted July 21, 2020 Author Share Posted July 21, 2020 I think I was guarded for so long, letting such wonderful women come and go, I eventually just jumped into someone I *thought* had it all. No crazy histories, college student, intelligent, sweet. I think mentally I just thought to myself, maybe it's me being afraid of commitment. I should advance the next relationship that has great qualities. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 (edited) 13 minutes ago, Matrix1776 said: I think I was guarded for so long, letting such wonderful women come and go, I eventually just jumped into someone I *thought* had it all. No crazy histories, college student, intelligent, sweet. I think mentally I just thought to myself, maybe it's me being afraid of commitment. I should advance the next relationship that has great qualities. Well, the thing is, you can grow to love your wife over time... As long as she loves you now and is committed, you can work this stuff out pretty easily. Something that my ex-girlfriend would do that annoyed the s*** out of me, is she would clean up after me, even if I left it there for like 2 minutes. She didn't know how to communicate that it was bothering her, so she just fixed it herself and it almost shamed me in a way into keeping it clean myself. It is a bit passive aggressive, I know, so you definitely cannot do it angrily or something, just do it like your doing the dishes or something, she'll get the hint pretty quick. I should add, it shamed me because she was paying all the bills and for her to come home and clean up after me or at all was just a wake up call for me. The weight stuff is going to be an issue though, because even though she is causing you this stress, in the end, she will also blame you for wearing the weight... Its a double Oof that you are probably aware is coming at some point. For your own good and her own good, you need to open the lines of communication some how. Edited July 21, 2020 by CAPSLOCK BANDIT 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 4 hours ago, Matrix1776 said: Yes, it's my fault I wasn't forced into marriage. At the same time, I didn't know all this. We had sex every time she was over, no limits. She was very well put together, dressed nice, the sweetest person imaginable. Yea we were kind of lazy in that we'd go out to eat, movies, cuddling, sex. I hear stories like this, but after 5, 10, 15 years. It wasn't even one, almost literally putting on the ring turned into this as she moved into my house. You were married before. So, I find it kind of shocking that you would be so quick to jump into marriage again with a 25 year old who lives at home with her parents? Being 37, you are essentially fulfilling the role of her "dad" or parent in this marriage. You realize that, don't you? Why would you jump into your second marriage so quickly? You're 37. You have multiple degrees and claim to make a 6-figure salary. Was the sex with her "that" good, that you figured marriage with her would be easier the second time around with someone so young? Don't use COVID or the fact that you're bank accounts are joint, her name is on your home's mortgage, etc. as an excuse to stay in a bad marriage. If you don't want to be married to her, then serve her the divorce papers and move on with your life (and try not to get married a third time until you first live with the woman). You have to extricate yourself from her. She's just a kid. Why would you just jump into your second marriage to a someone so young and inexperienced in life who was living at home? How did she "have it all" if she was living at home with her parents while dating you? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 Get out and get away from misery … and head directly … to the therapist's office. There is no such thing as someone "rushing" us into a marriage. If we can be rushed into a marriage, that means we are not standing up for ourselves, we are allowing ourselves to be used, that we are not really present in the relationship. Apparently you are play-acting in your marriages. Play-acting like someone who wants to be married. We don't get rushed into a marriage anymore than we get "rushed" into risky, un-required brain surgery. The word is "no." Learn to use that word when you begin dating the next time. Get to therapy and tell the therapist you don't know how to use that word "no" when it comes to relationships. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, Matrix1776 said: You could say, well just divorce. At this point we've intermingled so many obligations and financial things (cars, bills, credit), that I don't even know how to do a clean break. What to do?! I'm an educated professional, several advanced degrees, great career, I shouldn't be struggling in my home life so much. No disrespect intended, but that’s a pretty lame reason to stay in a marriage that is making you miserable. I mean, the flip side of that coin is - you have only been married for two years, you have no children, you are young, you both work... It only gets harder to leave, not easier. But considering that you feel a lack of control about the fact that she rushed you into marriage, it really doesn’t surprise me that you feel a lack control or inability to leave the marriage. Perhaps the life lesson you need to learn from this experience is that your life is a direct result of the decisions YOU make... Edited July 21, 2020 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 You could try both individual and marriage counseling for a set amount of time, as a last-ditch effort to improve the marriage, say 3 months and then see where you are. She may not even be amenable to it, in which case you'd have your answer. Link to post Share on other sites
deepthinking Posted July 22, 2020 Share Posted July 22, 2020 (edited) What is her side of the story? Maybe, she asked you to help her with housework and then you did not, so she is doing no housework, same as you. Then no sex due to the arguing over the housework. Or are you saying that from day one of the marriage she suddenly stopped being nice for no reason? Edited July 22, 2020 by deepthinking Link to post Share on other sites
curlygirl40 Posted July 22, 2020 Share Posted July 22, 2020 (edited) Well unfortunately you married a child and you didn't realize that in advance since you didn't live together first. She is used to not having to do anything since mom did it for her. So this is not likely to change. If you divorce, she will probably go back to mom and dad's house and wait until she finds some other sucker to take advantage of. If it weren't for the belittling and no sex, I would think maybe this could be fixed. But she has a lot to learn about 'adult' relationships. Do you love her? Do you think she loves you? Those are questions you need to ask before you decide if you go through counseling first or go right to divorce. 100% don't worry about how much effort it will take to get out of the marriage or if you will ever marry again. Those things will work themselves out. This is not what you signed up for when you married. Yes, you thought you knew what you were getting but since you hadn't lived with her, you didn't see the full picture. I wouldn't put the effort into this unless you think she could grow up quickly and be more of a partner to you. I always remember Dr. Phil telling a couple once 'when you have a parent/child relationship, at some point the child will grow up and move on'. That's what you have living in your house, an entitled child. When I say child, I'm not talking about your age difference, I'm talking about the fact that she has a lot of growing up to do. Have you heard the quote 'don't cling to a mistake because you took a long time making it' ? This was a mistake, to marry someone you didn't know that well quickly, to not move in together first, to marry someone who you aren't compatible with, have no common interests with, etc. You were attracted to her for some reason at the time. Her looks, her age, the sex, how she made you feel when you were dating. But now you're settled into the real world with this woman and it's not pretty. Sometimes you need to learn the lesson and move on. You're still young and have a long life ahead. Do something now. Therapy, divorce, start to detangle your lives, something. Before you have child #1, then child #2 then it's been 10 years and she has financial claims to your 401k or whatever. I'm just saying. Edited July 22, 2020 by curlygirl40 more thoughts Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 22, 2020 Share Posted July 22, 2020 (edited) Is she entitled or just depressed? She moved out of her family home where she was no doubt pampered and adored into a home where she was expected to work full time and be the cook/house keeper too... Depressed unhappy people don't want sex either. I guess things aren't particularly rosy or fun for her. Edited July 22, 2020 by elaine567 1 Link to post Share on other sites
curlygirl40 Posted July 22, 2020 Share Posted July 22, 2020 3 hours ago, elaine567 said: Is she entitled or just depressed? She moved out of her family home where she was no doubt pampered and adored into a home where she was expected to work full time and be the cook/house keeper too... Depressed unhappy people don't want sex either. I guess things aren't particularly rosy or fun for her. Good questions I was going more on the fact that he says his house was squeeky clean before she moved in, so I assumed he is still cleaning up some and not expecting her to do all of it since he did it himself before. But the mess with her cups on her side of the bed with mold in them, etc. are not just general clean up, dusting and such, it's just being lazy or entitled I think. Leaving it there and expecting someone else to do it. OP, how are these domestic household chores split between you guys? Not saying that you talked it out and hashed it out, but on a weekly basis, are you expecting she do the bulk of it or are you doing a lot of it and she won't lift even one finger? Are you doing some cooking and hoping she will do some also or do you not cook at all and expected her to do it? Because yes, it's possible she expected something differently as well and it's not the way she pictured marriage. Or maybe she just has a different idea of what everyday living looks like. Did her room at her parent's house look like that or do you think her mom just picked up after her? Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 Do you communicate how unhappy you are with her? Have you ever outright told her she needs to clean all this garbage up? Or announced you're taking her on a date on Saturday, spent the night flirting with her over dinner, taken her home and ripped her panties off? Or are you just kind of being a passenger, letting her run everything and and getting upset because it's not what you want. If that's the case your can divorce her but you'll probably never have a functional, satisfying relationship if you don't find a way to express your needs and stand up for yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 If she calls her mom to come and do the backed up laundry I wonder if nothing much was required of her at her parents house. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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