Newly married and miserable!

[merrmeade]

On 7/21/2020 at 2:30 PM, stillafool said:

First you don't need her permission to divorce her.  It should be pretty easy ...

Too easy.

Yes, this sounds hard, but is this all you’ve thought of for dealing with it? And then what? Some internet strangers just entitle you to announce it’s over one day? 

Maybe your version is all true and complete. It is still a marriage and part of that contract is open communication, no secrets. This is a secret you’ve brooded on that affects her enormously. She’s had no warning that I can tell or input, no chance to negotiate, agree or disagree. Everyone deserves to know when the feelings of the other person in a relationShip with them have changed. 

THAT much you owe a person you’ve married. You don’t get to make a unilateral decision that affects her future wIthout telling her sooner rather than later. 

Edited July 28, 2020 by merrmeade

[Phallacy]

Sounds like me. You rushed into marriage for all the wrong reasons.

If you can’t be a bf/gf for 2 years, then why marry?

Me personally? If I had waited 2 years I never would have married. Why? Because the incompatibilities would arise. And that’s a normal and healthy way to approach relationships.

But no...what often happens is the guy is preoccupied with sex and the woman on commitment. It takes more then insecurity about losing someone to make it work. 9 times out of 10, whenever I hear someone discuss the issues they’re having, they are typically issues that would have been seen in the first 2 years of dating. Why not cohabit for 2 years? Then you can pick up on the sloppiness and personality issues.

Even Helen Fischer says 2 years is a good time to date before marriage.

Of course I’m older and can see the forest in the trees now.

For some women, the only real commitment is a ring and they won’t commit to the guy without one.

Many young dudes will fall for that s*** hook line and sinker.

2 years of bf/gf! 
 

 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

The way you have described the situation makes it sound pretty awful.

i would divorce ASAP.   Take the lumps now and be done with it.
The longer you wait the harder it will be and the worse the situation becomes.  
What if she gets pregnant?  It is a lot harder to leave then.

[Acacia98]

On 7/28/2020 at 10:47 PM, merrmeade said:

Too easy.

Yes, this sounds hard, but is this all you’ve thought of for dealing with it? And then what? Some internet strangers just entitle you to announce it’s over one day? 

Maybe your version is all true and complete. It is still a marriage and part of that contract is open communication, no secrets. This is a secret you’ve brooded on that affects her enormously. She’s had no warning that I can tell or input, no chance to negotiate, agree or disagree. Everyone deserves to know when the feelings of the other person in a relationShip with them have changed. 

THAT much you owe a person you’ve married. You don’t get to make a unilateral decision that affects her future wIthout telling her sooner rather than later.

The irony is that, going by OP's version of events, his wife seems to have made a unilateral decision to disengage from participating in the marriage. No sex, absolutely no housework... Her mum actually comes over to do the laundry. That last bit is especially weird. I can think of all sorts of legitimate reasons why someone might not do their share of the housework or have sex, including depression and chronic illness. But, usually, the spouse knows there's a health crisis of sorts and the mother/mother-in-law surely doesn't do their laundry unless it has been discussed and agreed upon by the parties involved.

His wife's feelings about the relationship seemingly changed overnight, and he doesn't seem to have had a chance to interject, agree or disagree. So I genuinely think that ship has sailed...

I still think that, for his own conscience's sake, he should definitely do things the right way. But if he were to decide to skip the niceties and just file for divorce, I would understand.

I've experienced the 'joy' of being in a relationship where I'm the one doing all the heavy lifting. And let me just say it's soul-killing. As someone else mentioned, being neglected and sometimes exploited by the other person at that level can be a form of emotional abuse. And someone who would do that from day one of the marriage (making it seem like a calculated move and not, say, an illness that gradually crept in) is not likely to be someone who's interested in marriage counselling and fixing the problem.

[basil67]

I don't think you're representing this story accurately - there is a huge thing in this story which doesn't make sense:    You say you're so clean that your ceiling fan doesn't even have specs of dust.  You could lick the floor.   That's not clean, that's OCD.  Or at the very least, extreme cleaning.   I'm not buying that someone who's so extreme in their cleaning could leave 20 dirty cups mouldering on their partner's side table.     

Her belitting you constantly indicates that she's not at all happy with you either.   And this would explain the lack of sex.   Plus, she's a young woman married to an older man with whom she has nothing in common with.  There is another side to this story.