1 month since break up

[RSEJ]

The original thread and story: 

Try and read the above thread if you can but if you cant:

Short version: Was together 1.5 years - Girlfriend was emotionally cheating on me for a month before breakup. She broke up with me telling me she was "out of love" and she swore that she wasnt getting to know anyone else/cheating. I had suspicion of a guy and met him in the gym 4 days after breakup - he told me a month before he had asked her if she had a bf and she had said no, they slept together not even 2 days after we broke up..  he had no idea who i was - i also asked him not to tell her that i had come up to him and asked... im sure in time he will say. I think they are seeing each other.

So 1 month on...

I feel somewhat better, thats for sure. She still follows me on instagram but i managed to unfollow her - NC for now 30 something days

Ive had time to reflect on the 'red flags in our relationship'

- She never initiated sex, her reasoning for this was that she has always been like that, more asexual i guess..
- She very rarely set dates for us (it was about 80/20 me) It was more passive "like lets go here" never "would you like to go out with me" - she didnt use me for money or anything.
- She would always come to my house she didnt like me coming to hers, her reasoning with this was because  i lived alone and she lived with 2 other girls.
- She never took pictures of us together, it was always asking me to take pictures of her.

Though i still have these thoughts..

- Was she out of my league physically? The new guy is basically a taller better looking version of me  (i hate to say it)
- I dont think i will ever find a personality like hers - she was very independent, positive, energetic..
- I feel like ive been a beta male provider for her..

I think she cheated on me and we broke up because:

- i lost my masculine frame/my confidence
- I was often on my purpose with my design business and didnt hang around with friends but i was in no way boring, she was my best friend. I was always coming up with fun stuff to do together and this is during covid remember. However that i know was wrong.. i really should have had a male social circle
- I think this has been a pivitol moment in my life, ive always been the 'nice guy' and i will never give so much in a relationship ever again. I understand it is very important to give in a relationship but it's also important to pull back... to create attraction, to give mystery to stop the other getting boredd.

That being said...This week i met a friend who i consider quite 'wise' ... I told him why i thought she had ended it with me, his reponse was "but thats what you think, you dont know - you dont want to change your personality, the way you are, based on what you think happened" he advised me to reach out to her in about a 6 month to a year when a lot of the emotions had gone.

"If you dont know your history, it will repeat itself" thats the fear i have now..




 

[Ruby Slippers]

Yes, it sounds like you were a doormat and she exploited that. We tend to attract not only what we want, but things we don't want that will help us grow. Hopefully now you've learned to only give your love and attention to a nice, caring woman who appreciates you and treats you right.

[Versacehottie]

i like what your friend said!  Very wise. And yeah if you wait 6 months to a year, perhaps you won't even care anymore and won't find a need to do it. That's really the hope.

Improve what you would anyway--you know yourself and self reflect a little but get back out there and find someone better suited for you anyway. Just cause she left you doesn't mean she is the prize and you are not.  You listed a lot of things about her that make her not a prize.  Tell yourself a different story putting yourself in a positive light and a springboard that you can use to move on.

Good luck

[d0nnivain]

Hers is just one opinion.  She isn't everybody & you shouldn't put any stock into what you think she believes about you or what she actually believes.  As your EX she no longer matters.  

Of course you will meet other people like her.  The world is filled with independent, positive, energetic people.  

You sound like a guy with great qualities:  planning, introspection, caring, good business sense.  You will be OK.  For now, dive back into your work.  Focus on the successes you get from doing your job.  It will help you regain your confidence.  

 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, RSEJ said:

I think she cheated on me and we broke up because:

- i lost my masculine frame/my confidence

Oh god. Have you been reading Corey Wayne or something? 

I don't mean to be unkind, but it sounds like she was never all that into you. Meaning, the way you describe this relationship is more that she just kind of went along with it but was never that excited about it. 

This doesn't mean you need to change something about yourself, other than not investing in someone who you sense is not on the same page as you. This girl is no prize if she lied about being single so she could attract another guy, either - you better hope you never meet another girl like her!  She's not one of the good ones. 

Onward and upward, OP. 

[RSEJ]

15 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Yes, it sounds like you were a doormat and she exploited that. We tend to attract not only what we want, but things we don't want that will help us grow. Hopefully now you've learned to only give your love and attention to a nice, caring woman who appreciates you and treats you right.

Yes, I think this is a pivitol point in a mans life to be honest i just wish i had this experience eariler (im 27

14 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

i like what your friend said!  Very wise. And yeah if you wait 6 months to a year, perhaps you won't even care anymore and won't find a need to do it. That's really the hope.

Improve what you would anyway--you know yourself and self reflect a little but get back out there and find someone better suited for you anyway. Just cause she left you doesn't mean she is the prize and you are not.  You listed a lot of things about her that make her not a prize.  Tell yourself a different story putting yourself in a positive light and a springboard that you can use to move on.

Good luck

Im hoping i wont care, i just have a fear of making mistakes - and i would hate to make the same mistake twice

12 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Hers is just one opinion.  She isn't everybody & you shouldn't put any stock into what you think she believes about you or what she actually believes.  As your EX she no longer matters.  

Of course you will meet other people like her.  The world is filled with independent, positive, energetic people.  

You sound like a guy with great qualities:  planning, introspection, caring, good business sense.  You will be OK.  For now, dive back into your work.  Focus on the successes you get from doing your job.  It will help you regain your confidence.  

 

Thank you, yeh i really do have my s*** together 

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Oh god. Have you been reading Corey Wayne or something? 

I don't mean to be unkind, but it sounds like she was never all that into you. Meaning, the way you describe this relationship is more that she just kind of went along with it but was never that excited about it. 

This doesn't mean you need to change something about yourself, other than not investing in someone who you sense is not on the same page as you. This girl is no prize if she lied about being single so she could attract another guy, either - you better hope you never meet another girl like her!  She's not one of the good ones. 

Onward and upward, OP. 

Haha, Alpha Male strategies - im telling you, the most insightful dating youtuber ive ever come across.

What youve said is an extremely hard pill to swallow - i think she wasnt ever that into me..which really hurts. I think you are exactly right - What kills me though is why? Was it my looks... or what exactly? 😕

[Legatus]

16 hours ago, RSEJ said:

- She never initiated sex, her reasoning for this was that she has always been like that, more asexual i guess..
- She very rarely set dates for us (it was about 80/20 me) It was more passive "like lets go here" never "would you like to go out with me" - she didnt use me for money or anything.
- She would always come to my house she didnt like me coming to hers, her reasoning with this was because  i lived alone and she lived with 2 other girls.
- She never took pictures of us together, it was always asking me to take pictures of her.

Glad you made this list. Sometimes it's difficult to see those things while being with somebody but in retrospective it's a useful learning tool!

 

16 hours ago, RSEJ said:

Was she out of my league physically? The new guy is basically a taller better looking version of me  (i hate to say it)
- I dont think i will ever find a personality like hers - she was very independent, positive, energetic..
- I feel like ive been a beta male provider for her..

Wrong, wrong, and wrong  Sorry mate, but that's just your negativity bias talking. There's no such thing as physical leagues. We create them in our heads but where one league starts and ends? The new guy might be better looking for you (again your negative bias towards your own qualities) but you could also find plenty of people that would say otherwise without knowing any of you.

The "don't think I will ever find" is also very common. At this moment you've known her so well that it's unimaginable to think of another person like that. We all have the same qualities but a different mix of it. Perhaps you won't find personality like hers. Considering your list of red flags, I would say that's a good thing! What if you find somebody even more compatible? They will be different but they won't have the red flags you mentioned. Perhaps it will be a different mix of qualities and personality traits, and who knows, it could be even more compatible with you..

Beta male provider  - okay so you feel like that because of what she has done. The key is that you were able to take care of her. Some people will take that for granted. I wouldn't say you were a beta male provider, because you weren't doing anything wrong. You were manipulated and blinded, that's for sure, because you cared for her. It was her who was a user - that's what you should focus on. Don't let her actions affect how you perceive yourself.

 

16 hours ago, RSEJ said:

- i lost my masculine frame/my confidence
- I was often on my purpose with my design business and didnt hang around with friends but i was in no way boring, she was my best friend. I was always coming up with fun stuff to do together and this is during covid remember. However that i know was wrong.. i really should have had a male social circle
- I think this has been a pivitol moment in my life, ive always been the 'nice guy' and i will never give so much in a relationship ever again. I understand it is very important to give in a relationship but it's also important to pull back... to create attraction, to give mystery to stop the other getting boredd.

I know you're just trying to find reasons and explanations here but the truth is all those things can be short-lived. Meaning even if you lost your confidence a little bit, which I don't think you can. People think this confidence is just a personality trait but it also depends on your mood and a situation. But let's assume you did. Perhaps that's what it looked like where in reality you were just not feeling it, you knew something was up, or you just weren't feeling that great.

Being a nice guy has this negative label attached to it. Never knew why. I got burned few times myself but decided I would not let one person change my perspective on life or other people. I don't need to pretend to be an a**h*** to get somebody's attention. What you can remember is that you will start feeling resentful if you give a lot, expect something in return, and get nothing. That is a good observation. Don't change because of one episode/girl. You sound like a decent guy actually and there's no reason for you to doubt yourself just because she couldn't appreciate it. 

[RSEJ]

1 hour ago, Legatus said:

Glad you made this list. Sometimes it's difficult to see those things while being with somebody but in retrospective it's a useful learning tool!

 

Wrong, wrong, and wrong  Sorry mate, but that's just your negativity bias talking. There's no such thing as physical leagues. We create them in our heads but where one league starts and ends? The new guy might be better looking for you (again your negative bias towards your own qualities) but you could also find plenty of people that would say otherwise without knowing any of you.

The "don't think I will ever find" is also very common. At this moment you've known her so well that it's unimaginable to think of another person like that. We all have the same qualities but a different mix of it. Perhaps you won't find personality like hers. Considering your list of red flags, I would say that's a good thing! What if you find somebody even more compatible? They will be different but they won't have the red flags you mentioned. Perhaps it will be a different mix of qualities and personality traits, and who knows, it could be even more compatible with you..

Beta male provider  - okay so you feel like that because of what she has done. The key is that you were able to take care of her. Some people will take that for granted. I wouldn't say you were a beta male provider, because you weren't doing anything wrong. You were manipulated and blinded, that's for sure, because you cared for her. It was her who was a user - that's what you should focus on. Don't let her actions affect how you perceive yourself.

 

I know you're just trying to find reasons and explanations here but the truth is all those things can be short-lived. Meaning even if you lost your confidence a little bit, which I don't think you can. People think this confidence is just a personality trait but it also depends on your mood and a situation. But let's assume you did. Perhaps that's what it looked like where in reality you were just not feeling it, you knew something was up, or you just weren't feeling that great.

Being a nice guy has this negative label attached to it. Never knew why. I got burned few times myself but decided I would not let one person change my perspective on life or other people. I don't need to pretend to be an a**h*** to get somebody's attention. What you can remember is that you will start feeling resentful if you give a lot, expect something in return, and get nothing. That is a good observation. Don't change because of one episode/girl. You sound like a decent guy actually and there's no reason for you to doubt yourself just because she couldn't appreciate it. 

Thanks a lot Legatus - I still havent seen her since the break up, that i will find tough - i live on a small island so... in time i will. 

[Calmandfocused]

Op, the amount of blame your placing on yourself concerns me. 
 

She is a liar and a cheater. Fact! 
 

Nothing that you did/ said differently would have changed that fact! 
 

Never fundamentally change who you are just because someone didn’t value you. Many people would value the qualities you have so be proud of who you are! And stop comparing yourself to others. 
 

Yes, learn from the experience by owning your part in it, assert the appropriate boundaries in future but don’t stop being you. 

 

There is no need to ever contact her again. Know your worth and do not give her any more of your valuable time and  attention. Why would you? She doesn’t deserve it. 
 

I hope this guy dumps her. And he will! 
 

 

[RSEJ]

On 7/22/2020 at 1:44 PM, Calmandfocused said:

Op, the amount of blame your placing on yourself concerns me. 
 

She is a liar and a cheater. Fact! 
 

Nothing that you did/ said differently would have changed that fact! 
 

Never fundamentally change who you are just because someone didn’t value you. Many people would value the qualities you have so be proud of who you are! And stop comparing yourself to others. 
 

Yes, learn from the experience by owning your part in it, assert the appropriate boundaries in future but don’t stop being you. 

 

There is no need to ever contact her again. Know your worth and do not give her any more of your valuable time and  attention. Why would you? She doesn’t deserve it. 
 

I hope this guy dumps her. And he will! 
 

 

I know, i just have a fear of history repeating itself, of making the same mistake twice. I know you might say "you didnt make a mistake, she cheated!" but there is a reason she cheated none the less.

I will try not to change myself but - i cant say i will never be the same person - this for sure changes you.

Ive never been one to wish bad things on anyone - everyone deserves to be happy with the right person, i truly believe that. That being said - I do kinda just hope karma takes its course.

Thanks for replying

[elaine567]

On 7/22/2020 at 12:44 PM, Calmandfocused said:

I hope this guy dumps her. And he will!

Not necessarily true. 
Sometimes monkey branching onto the right guy just works...

The OP did nothing wrong apart from ignoring the fact she just wasn't that into him.
She started looking around and seamlessy moved onto another.
 The red flags
On sex - yes. Where did he really think little or no sex would lead?
Not setting up dates - no. Some women will never set up dates.
Preferring his house - no. His house was a better venue, no roommates getting in the way.
No pictures of him - not really.  The self absorbed selfie culture.

He needs  to be more attentive to what he needs out of relationship and filter out early those who do not pass the grade.
Something was missing for her and that is OK, not every couple gels.
She is entitled to find someone she gets along better with, that is actually the purpose of dating.
That doesn't mean the OP needs to do a huge overhaul of who he really is because he didn't happen to suit one woman.
That is madness and will lead to nothing good.
No-one can keep up the pretence and the day the mask slips, is the day she loses respect...

OP
The trick is to find someone who is appreciative of what YOU have to offer, not try to change into someone you are not...
 

[basil67]

 

On 7/22/2020 at 12:43 AM, RSEJ said:

- She never initiated sex, her reasoning for this was that she has always been like that, more asexual i guess..

She slept with the new guy two days after you broke up.  She's not asexual.

On 7/22/2020 at 12:43 AM, RSEJ said:

- She very rarely set dates for us (it was about 80/20 me) It was more passive "like lets go here" never "would you like to go out with me" 

Pedantics.  If you've been together for more than a month, "let's go here" is perfectly acceptable language for setting up a date  

On 7/22/2020 at 12:43 AM, RSEJ said:

- She would always come to my house she didnt like me coming to hers, her reasoning with this was because  i lived alone and she lived with 2 other girls.

Being alone at the BF's house instead of with the room mates?   Well....of course.

On 7/22/2020 at 12:43 AM, RSEJ said:

- She never took pictures of us together, it was always asking me to take pictures of her

That's not good.  

On 7/22/2020 at 12:43 AM, RSEJ said:

- Was she out of my league physically? The new guy is basically a taller better looking version of me  (i hate to say it)

If she was out of your league, she wouldn't have given you a chance in the first place.

As for the whole Alpha/Beta stuff, I have only one response: 🤮   I recommend that all women should read it so that they can identify men who absorb it and run for the hills.   It doesn't reflect the complexities of men or women and all the varieties of things which different people want.  

 

[RSEJ]

On 7/24/2020 at 10:41 AM, elaine567 said:

Not necessarily true. 
Sometimes monkey branching onto the right guy just works...

The OP did nothing wrong apart from ignoring the fact she just wasn't that into him.
She started looking around and seamlessy moved onto another.
 The red flags
On sex - yes. Where did he really think little or no sex would lead?
Not setting up dates - no. Some women will never set up dates.
Preferring his house - no. His house was a better venue, no roommates getting in the way.
No pictures of him - not really.  The self absorbed selfie culture.

He needs  to be more attentive to what he needs out of relationship and filter out early those who do not pass the grade.
Something was missing for her and that is OK, not every couple gels.
She is entitled to find someone she gets along better with, that is actually the purpose of dating.
That doesn't mean the OP needs to do a huge overhaul of who he really is because he didn't happen to suit one woman.
That is madness and will lead to nothing good.
No-one can keep up the pretence and the day the mask slips, is the day she loses respect...

OP
The trick is to find someone who is appreciative of what YOU have to offer, not try to change into someone you are not...
 

There was plenty of sex, just all of it initiated by me.. thats what i was saying.
Yeh i think monkey branching for her i think has worked out.. I still think it is cowardly and the betrayal is still there.
Regarding an overhaul of who i was... no thats almost impossible but understanding where i went wrong - important

[RSEJ]

On 7/24/2020 at 11:54 AM, basil67 said:

 

She slept with the new guy two days after you broke up.  She's not asexual.

Pedantics.  If you've been together for more than a month, "let's go here" is perfectly acceptable language for setting up a date  

Being alone at the BF's house instead of with the room mates?   Well....of course.

That's not good.  

If she was out of your league, she wouldn't have given you a chance in the first place.

As for the whole Alpha/Beta stuff, I have only one response: 🤮   I recommend that all women should read it so that they can identify men who absorb it and run for the hills.   It doesn't reflect the complexities of men or women and all the varieties of things which different people want.  

 

What i meant was that she never initiated sex with me - there was plenty of sex (i misused the term).
I dont agree with you - i think the whole 'rational male' concept is pretty eye opening..

[Legatus]

What do you mean by rational male concept?

[smackie9]

OK it's been a month...time to stop talking about her and think about yourself, and what plans you have going forward. IMO this will go away quicker if you stop letting her take up your head space. She gone, it's done. Be free of her. Be excited about the future, to be yourself again, and discover more what you can be doing with your life. Seriously you've picked apart and analyzed this enough. Throw the stick away, enough poking at it.

Edited July 25, 2020 by smackie9

[RSEJ]

17 minutes ago, Legatus said:

What do you mean by rational male concept?

It's a book by rollo tomasi - you can read it online for free. For me it's helped a lot..

6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

OK it's been a month...time to stop talking about her and think about yourself, and what plans you have going forward. IMO this will go away quicker if you stop letting her take up your head space. She gone, it's done. Be free of her. Be excited about the future, to be yourself again, and discover more what you can be doing with your life. Seriously you've picked apart and analyzed this enough. Throw the stick away, enough poking at it.

I know I know - it's tough to see someone youve been with move on soooo quickly.. but yep i agree

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Relationships are hard work!  Especially when you are a thinker and have a lot of internal dialogue with yourself.

I’m 47 and it has taken me this long to learn that the way to avoid making the same mistake is to ONLY ACCEPT a relationship that is 50%/50%.

i expect equal interest during courtship.  And if I don’t feel that it is there, I communicate it once.  If things don’t change, I lose interest and walk away.  If I communicate and they change for a short time and then the pattern returns, then it may be incompatible and so, I walk.
 

Once commitment is reached then I expect a measure of equal effort.

The key is to learn to walk away early on when things don’t seem quite right, instead of staying and hoping things will change.  They rarely do as patterns emerge.

 

 

 

[Legatus]

1 hour ago, RSEJ said:

I know I know - it's tough to see someone youve been with move on soooo quickly.. but yep i agree

I think that's because she checked out much earlier. You think you both broke up at the same time, but for her it was probably just a formality.. 

 

What's the main idea behind that book? I'm curious because of your comment `I dont agree with you - i think the whole 'rational male' concept is pretty eye opening..`

[RSEJ]

2 hours ago, Legatus said:

I think that's because she checked out much earlier. You think you both broke up at the same time, but for her it was probably just a formality.. 

 

What's the main idea behind that book? I'm curious because of your comment `I dont agree with you - i think the whole 'rational male' concept is pretty eye opening..`

Read it my friend (i only just started it) - i pormise you - it really opens your eyes to female nature

[Legatus]

It will have been months before I read it. I have a backlog of things to read and going to live on the road for the next few weeks, hence no way to bring many physical books. I'm sure you can sum it up for me to explain your comment about not agreeing with basil67?

[smackie9]

rollo tomasi : sorry but his videos are terrible. Jibber jabbers way too much and not getting to any real point. I get more info from Dr. Phil in 3 sentences.

If you have any questions about female nature, ask a female.