Girlfriend says physical attraction has no value to her

[Warmer]

She is 50 I am 33 and we have been together 2 years. Last night we got into a conversation and she ended up saying how me being 18 years younger has no benefit to her. She said she would actually prefer someone her own age. I don't know why but it made me feel bad, I run a lot and eat very healthy I thought it would be nice little bonus to be with someone younger. I explained that mental/spiritual attractiveness is most important to me but I still appreciate phsyical attractiveness. She now thinks I am shallow and says she is worried about our future and today has asked to be alone. I was basically saying if someone was obese and got healthy and worked out yeah objectively I would find them more ohysically attractive and Iam suprised she holds zeros value in that. So she started talking about not doing weights with her arms anymore (I have never asked her to). Talking about our age gap saying it is a problem now. I told her she could be 18 and I might not find her phsyically attractive so nothing to do with age if she is not my type. I love her regardless of her looks but she does have an amazing body despite her age and I appreciate it. I feel lucky to be with someone with a great personality and to be physically attracted. I will still be attracted to her when her looks fade because the emotional and spirtual attraction is so high. I was just suprised she has zero value in phsyical attractiveness. I feel like I might as well have man boobs and a beer belly and dirty nails like I know appearence doesn't really matter but I dunno am really just being shallow? Does physical attraction hold value to you?

Edited July 21, 2020 by Warmer

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Warmer said:

Last night we got into a conversation and she ended up saying how me being 18 years younger has no benefit to her. She said she would actually prefer someone her own age. She now thinks I am shallow and says she is worried about our future and today has asked to be alone

It sounds like she was probing your response to hear you say age/looks are secondary/don't matter. Instead you went on to brag about your youth, looks, fitness, etc. This is why she suddenly needs space.  Perhaps she doesn't want to feel like she is an old flabby lady with a boy toy. She is 50 so going through some milestones. 

[stillafool]

Yeah she's thinking 5-8 years down the line you may not find her attractive anymore so she went to her woman cave to think it over.  I hope her insecurities doesn't make her let you go.

[ShyViolet]

Did she actually say that physical attractiveness is not important to her, or did she say that she doesn't see you being 18 years younger as a plus, and she would prefer someone her own age?  Those are two different things.

[Warmer]

I did say looks are secondry and I didn't brag about my yout, I told her age  does not matter to me I have never felt pur age gap until she said she would rather be with someone her own age which makes me feel like I am too young for her

 

[Warmer]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yeah she's thinking 5-8 years down the line you may not find her attractive anymore so she went to her woman cave to think it over.  I hope her insecurities doesn't make her let you go.

That is what she said, but I have always told her age does not matter to me otherwise I would not start dating a woman 18 years older from the start. Those type of guys usually date younger women THEN when she gets older find a younger woman.

4 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Did she actually say that physical attractiveness is not important to her, or did she say that she doesn't see you being 18 years younger as a plus, and she would prefer someone her own age?  Those are two different things.

She said both things. She said me being younger no benefit and also she does not value looks at all. I just find that disingenuous half of time only people who are ugly or who have ugly partners say that. Like how only rich people say money does not matter.

[FMW]

Sounds like something is making her feel her age and feeling a little insecure/unsure about the strength of your relationship.  She was insensitive to say what she said about attractiveness being of no value to her.  She was probably pushing back on her own insecurities about feeling you are young and attractive and having competition from younger women.  

You might have previously said something that was also insensitive, without realizing it, that triggered her.  Or maybe someone else did.  One of my friends is in a relationship with a guy 15 years younger than her.  She's a very confident woman and he adores her and never looks at other women, but she still has her moments of insecurity.    

She's probably looking for reassurance from you, but since she worded things badly and put you on the defensive, she got just the opposite.    

[ShyViolet]

You are assuming that someone her age would just HAVE TO be more attracted to you just because you are younger, and in better shape.  Well that's not necessarily how it works.  It sounds like she is starting to feel uncomfortable with the age difference and she is starting to question whether you two are compatible.   It doesn't matter that you have a younger body and are in good shape.  There are other reasons why a 50 year old woman would not feel compatible with someone 18 years younger.  You are just in a different stage of your life, have different priorities and a different outlook on life.  It's something that you can't really explain.

I am 38 and I would not be attracted to a 25 year old guy.  I don't care that they have a younger body and are in better shape.  That doesn't make them more appealing to me.  There is something about a person who is much younger, mentally, which makes them hard for an older person to relate to.  They have different priorities.  They see the world differently.  I would totally rather date someone my own age or older just because I feel that I would relate to them better.  I could care less about how youthful their body is.

Edited July 21, 2020 by ShyViolet

[ShyViolet]

All you keep talking about is the physical body, being in good shape.  Is that all you have to offer?  Relationships are about so much more than that.  To me, that is a bit shallow.  You don't sound compatible with this woman on a deep level.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Honestly, I have made the transition with a couple different women where they hit 50 from like 48 or 49, and 50 is a big deal.. Like, in your late 40's still, you are not really thinking of retirement or anything, but once the big 50 hits, retirement is being thought of every single day, its a very big change that a lot of women end up going through divorces over.

If she isn't ride or die, then you gotta move on G.

[Lotsgoingon]

How in the world did you guys randomly get into this topic? That's what strikes me. Either she wasn't feeling good or you were acting like you were Mr. Fit … or you were feeling her being distant … So I'm thinking forget about this particular conversation. What is going on in the relationship? Has she lost interest? Was it a balanced relationship until now?

I baffled because I assume this topic of age and attractiveness would have come up quite early between the two of you. 

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree it sounds like she's worrying about your future, whether you're still going to be attracted to her when you're 48 and she's 65. This is the main reason I shy away from dating younger men.

Another thought is that could she be worried about the future financially?

[Fresh_Start]

6 hours ago, Warmer said:

She said she would actually prefer someone her own age. I don't know why but it made me feel bad, I run a lot and eat very healthy

This is a non sequitur.  She told you she would prefer someone her own age because there is a considerable age gap between the two of you and somehow you equate that to your level of physical fitness?  I hope you realize how ridiculous that sounds.

It seems this cougar has bitten off more than she can chew and is now having second thoughts about the long term viability of your relationship.  You're at two very different stages of your lives and she is coming to realize that she would rather be with someone who is more compatible with her from that standpoint.  The novelty and infatuation of these boy toy relationships wears off eventually and if there's not a strong enough foundation in place then it will run its course.

[mark clemson]

I suspect that at some level (possibly not fully consciously) she expects you to not want her anymore eventually due to the age difference/her getting older. She doesn't want to deal with having to find someone new when she's even older than she is now, so she's heading this issue off at the pass. I could certainly be wrong, but my guess is that she will want to break up in the near future. Whatever she says, my guess is that's what's really driving it is the desire to find someone closer in age (as she noted) that she believes won't be done with her at some point when she's "too old for him".

[chillii]

13 hours ago, Warmer said:

I did say looks are secondry and I didn't brag about my yout, I told her age  does not matter to me I have never felt pur age gap until she said she would rather be with someone her own age which makes me feel like I am too young for her

 

 

l don't blame her , if l was a woman l surely wouldn't wanna be living with the pressure of a guy 18yrs younger , sounds like a smart woman to me. But l think it sounds like she's feeling like she needs someone more at her age and stages views emotionally verbally personality wise. She's sayin you might be younger and it sounds like your still pretty good physically , but that doesn't makath  a relationship long term, it's not forefillment , she's needing someone more at her level in life and person.

 

 

 

Edited July 22, 2020 by chillii

[elaine567]

Like  a lot of men you seem to rate looks highly and as long as you are looking fit and young she will be attracted and love you, but for most women, looks are often not that important . especially in a long term relationship.
She may rather have a big cuddly bear of a man who is overweight and balding, with "man boobs and a big belly", and who "gets her" rather than a gym rat, who is obsessed with how HE looks.
How well do the two of you gel?
Do you think you "get her"?
All very well to be younger and fit, but how compatible are you really?

[stillafool]

I can't help but wonder what her reaction would have been if you had said "Being with an older woman is no benefit to me and I would actually prefer a younger woman".