lee179108 Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 Hey, so a little info on my situation, sorry for the essay but gonna give you some info.. So me and my gf of 2 years, im 29 shes 27, I have my own house she still lives with her parents an hour away.... so last year we broke up before my birthday due to a couple reasons, she felt the spark had gone and that we got into a routine etc... things wernt the same... she was starting a new job and said she wanted to focus on her career.... after 2 months she got back to me as she missed me and we worked things out and was great. I spent xmas with her family and it was amazing... This year so far it has also been great until the past month, last month at one point she was all needy, horny, missed me and all affectionate, then she just changed, became offish with me, barely speaks and shows affection... i bring it up and she said its her mood due to going back on birth control. 2 weeks goes by and then for a week shes great again, back to her self... when shes on her period shes needy, chatty and horny... but when shes off shes the opposite. Ive told her to come off the birth control but she refuses and says shes fine with it. This past week shes been offish again, barely talks, doesnt show affection and doesnt want sex. I bring it up as i like to communicate openly and she says im super needy and dont like it as shes chilled out and not as needy. A month ago she told me she wanted to move in with me next year, now shes saying she wants to get her own place to gain independence and shes not ready to settle down with me yet as in getting a place together or engagements.. even though ive never pressured her for this and always said id respect it until shes ready. She says were fine, i over think things and does say to me i love you before she goes to bed sometimes. But nowhere near to what she was doing before.... even good morning texts like she used to do every day they aint the same. We have things planned this year like going away for a weekend in 3 weeks, my birthday and we booked a vacation for the new year... she is coming to see me Saturday... i just dont want any awkwardness, im not going to bring this up again as ive said what i have to say... i guess me mirroring her emotions is the best way to go?? let her reflect and think? because we do get on well, I just dont want a repeat of last year again. Thank You for reading. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lee179108 Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 btw we have not broke up... it just seems to be weirdness right now.. and i dont know how to play it... if just staying calm, collected and not bringing it up again is for the best, dont message her much and mirror her actions... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 This isn't just hormonal shifts. It seems she's having some doubts about moving forward with the relationship again. The second time in two years is not great, but it warrants a talk. If you haven't pressured her to take the next step, I would approach her and ask where these feelings are stemming from. It makes sense for her to live on her own a bit first if she's always lived with her parents so I certainly can't fault her for that. The concern for me would lie in the fact that you've noticed she's been more unpredictable lately and you two already have one break-up under your belts. I don't think mirroring her is an effective way to deal with it, either. It doesn't accomplish much other than avoid the problem. I would have a talk this weekend, but approach it from the standpoint that you're concerned and would like to know what's on her mind lately - even if it's not exactly what you hope to hear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lee179108 Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: This isn't just hormonal shifts. It seems she's having some doubts about moving forward with the relationship again. The second time in two years is not great, but it warrants a talk. If you haven't pressured her to take the next step, I would approach her and ask where these feelings are stemming from. It makes sense for her to live on her own a bit first if she's always lived with her parents so I certainly can't fault her for that. The concern for me would lie in the fact that you've noticed she's been more unpredictable lately and you two already have one break-up under your belts. I don't think mirroring her is an effective way to deal with it, either. It doesn't accomplish much other than avoid the problem. I would have a talk this weekend, but approach it from the standpoint that you're concerned and would like to know what's on her mind lately - even if it's not exactly what you hope to hear. I had the talk with her last night about it, she said we are fine and i over think and that she is just chilled... thats when she then said that recently shes been thinking she wants her own place to gain independence and doesnt want to settle down with me yet.. even though 3 weeks ago she said she did lol.. I said I was fine with all that and I respect her wishes. Ive never pressured her. Shes only been like this since starting back on the birth control but like i said she wont come off it, at first she said that was the problem but now says shes fine with it... this week shes with her family so i understand shes doing things.. i dont wanna bring this up again as i already have, but i guess wel see how saturday goes as we planned for her to stay the night at mine and go out for the day. She is known to think things one time and then other things another, its weird.. i just planned after last night to not be as needy, be chilled and let her be.. and if she loves me like she says she does things should be ok. She even said 2 weeks ago she's bought me things for my birthday in 3 weeks lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lee179108 Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 she is also one for not liking routine... and said in the past its good for her to miss me.. we have been seeing eachother once a week for the past 2 or 3 months as well... Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 There's ample evidence that birth control pills have many negative side effects, including diminishing sex drive. I took them before but will never take them again. Unfortunately, you're probably not going to succeed at convincing her to stop them. I suppose you could do some research and calmly present it to her - but not in a pressuring way, in an "I care about you and our bond" way. I think the best thing you can do, given her waffling, is give her space, no pressure, live a great life on your own so she continues to see that you're an attractive man who doesn't "need" her, but will do OK in any case. That will only make you more attractive to a restless woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lee179108 Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 5 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: There's ample evidence that birth control pills have many negative side effects, including diminishing sex drive. I took them before but will never take them again. Unfortunately, you're probably not going to succeed at convincing her to stop them. I suppose you could do some research and calmly present it to her - but not in a pressuring way, in an "I care about you and our bond" way. I think the best thing you can do, given her waffling, is give her space, no pressure, live a great life on your own so she continues to see that you're an attractive man who doesn't "need" her, but will do OK in any case. That will only make you more attractive to a restless woman. Yeah ive suggested to come off but she doesnt wanna get pregnant... ive suggested other options we can take but im not pressuring her.. like you said as hard as this will be i have to back off now and not seem needy Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 37 minutes ago, lee179108 said: she is also one for not liking routine... and said in the past its good for her to miss me.. we have been seeing eachother once a week for the past 2 or 3 months as well... Well, yes, a degree of space is healthy for most relationships. But again, I would be concerned that it might not progress far if she's fine seeing you once a week and you would like to see her more than that. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 Stop blaming this on birth control, that's ridiculous. She's capable of telling you what she wants and doesn't want. The latest thing she is telling you is that she is not ready to settle down and she wants to keep her independence and get her own place. So accept that and believe her. She is not sure she sees a future with you. So maybe you shouldn't have any ideas of building a future with this person, it doesn't exactly sound like it's working. And if she flip-flops again and tells you that she does want to get serious with you, you shouldn't go along with it, because this relationship is clearly unstable. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 She seems a bit borderline-ish with the hot/cold on/off. Possibly she's developing a tendency towards that. Another possibility is as suggested above she's struggling with where to go/how far to take this relationship. (There are of course some other possibilities, but they seem unlikely to me just from what you've posted so far.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author lee179108 Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 (edited) 45 minutes ago, mark clemson said: She seems a bit borderline-ish with the hot/cold on/off. Possibly she's developing a tendency towards that. Another possibility is as suggested above she's struggling with where to go/how far to take this relationship. (There are of course some other possibilities, but they seem unlikely to me just from what you've posted so far.) Im not blaming this on birth control.. im just saying since taking it thats when shes changed... as when she went off it she was all needy and horny lol before that she was constantly on to me, missing me so much etc... this week shes been with her family on vacation so she's occupied every day. She is the type to say it how it is and if she didnt see a future with me id have expected her to say that last night when we had the 'talk'. She said she loves me, she said that were fine and dont need more talking... i respected that she doesnt want to settle down yet and in no way pressured her. She even said the other day sometimes she cant keep up with herself being indecisive... Like i said im taking a step back, i'll talk to her if she messages me, im not going to show needyness and just go with the flow. Her words were... we are good together, i just dont know if i want my own house first to gain independence... like i said we have stuff planned in the next few weeks.. so i will try to relax, go with it and take it from there. I dont think thats a bad idea. Edited July 23, 2020 by lee179108 update paragraph Link to post Share on other sites
Author lee179108 Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: Well, yes, a degree of space is healthy for most relationships. But again, I would be concerned that it might not progress far if she's fine seeing you once a week and you would like to see her more than that. once a week is fine for me... i never pressure anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lee179108 Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 2 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: There's ample evidence that birth control pills have many negative side effects, including diminishing sex drive. I took them before but will never take them again. Unfortunately, you're probably not going to succeed at convincing her to stop them. I suppose you could do some research and calmly present it to her - but not in a pressuring way, in an "I care about you and our bond" way. I think the best thing you can do, given her waffling, is give her space, no pressure, live a great life on your own so she continues to see that you're an attractive man who doesn't "need" her, but will do OK in any case. That will only make you more attractive to a restless woman. Thank you, I guess thats the only option I should take... theres no point bringing this up again after I already have and she said that we're fine.... that will only make things worse. I'll make effort and ask to see each other, if she says no I'll just be calm and be like ok thats fine. We're seeing eachother this Saturday, and shes staying over. We'll see how that goes. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, lee179108 said: once a week is fine for me... i never pressure anything. What I meant is that relationship can only progress so far when you see each other once a week. So while it may be alright now, if she continues to need that much space in order to maintain interest in you, then you two don’t have a future together. Edited July 23, 2020 by ExpatInItaly Link to post Share on other sites
Author lee179108 Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: What I meant is that relationship can only progress so far when you see each other once a week. So while it may be alright now, if she continues to need that much space in order to maintain interest in you, then you two don’t have a future together. Yeah I get that, theres gonna eventually be a point where we need that talk.. but like I said im in no hurry and neither is she.... we have a lot of time on our hands. I do think I need to be more chilled out though.. which I will be from now on.. so i guess il see how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 Well - there's a few things going on - the question of whether the birth control alters her mood, the mood changes in and of themselves, and her living situation/family/etc. Has she ever lived on her own? If so, for how long? How long did you know her before you started dating her? Or did you just meet her and start dating? I find a lot of people who never get out on their own need to "discover" themselves and what they really want. Even if they're parents aren't crazy or cold/shallow/$ focused, people just need space to live their own lives. And to be honest, that and whatever is causing her emotional changes - none of that warrants her being cold/hot for you or saying x one week about living arrangements and then y 3 weeks later. I would move on from this woman and tell her why very clearly. As a great meme I saw and saved to help me over my last breakup 11 months ago - "I've seen people "not ready for a relationship" get ready in 2 sentences". I'm not saying you give her an ultimatum...but it sounds like you want more and want something serious - like more than seeing each other 1x a week and she's still immature, confused, lost at 27. Give her space, live your own life and if push comes to shove tell her the truth - you'll start seeing other people if she doesn't lay things out with a clear path for you - both in terms of living arrangements and her behavior and she stick to that path. Otherwise, after 2 years together when she's already 27 - you'll look back and realize how much time you've wasted. If she really cared about you she'd get to the bottom of what's causing her mood swings. Birth control, anxiety, whatever - it's no excuse. If you treat her well you deserve to be treated equally as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lee179108 Posted July 23, 2020 Author Share Posted July 23, 2020 17 minutes ago, scooby-philly said: Well - there's a few things going on - the question of whether the birth control alters her mood, the mood changes in and of themselves, and her living situation/family/etc. Has she ever lived on her own? If so, for how long? How long did you know her before you started dating her? Or did you just meet her and start dating? I find a lot of people who never get out on their own need to "discover" themselves and what they really want. Even if they're parents aren't crazy or cold/shallow/$ focused, people just need space to live their own lives. And to be honest, that and whatever is causing her emotional changes - none of that warrants her being cold/hot for you or saying x one week about living arrangements and then y 3 weeks later. I would move on from this woman and tell her why very clearly. As a great meme I saw and saved to help me over my last breakup 11 months ago - "I've seen people "not ready for a relationship" get ready in 2 sentences". I'm not saying you give her an ultimatum...but it sounds like you want more and want something serious - like more than seeing each other 1x a week and she's still immature, confused, lost at 27. Give her space, live your own life and if push comes to shove tell her the truth - you'll start seeing other people if she doesn't lay things out with a clear path for you - both in terms of living arrangements and her behavior and she stick to that path. Otherwise, after 2 years together when she's already 27 - you'll look back and realize how much time you've wasted. If she really cared about you she'd get to the bottom of what's causing her mood swings. Birth control, anxiety, whatever - it's no excuse. If you treat her well you deserve to be treated equally as well. Shes never lived on her own, she's super close to her mom and family, but to her mom they are best friends and talk and do so much together. Her mom and family love me and we get on great! we started dating for a few months before it became official. Like I said before I eventually want something serious yes, but im in no rush for that to be soon... im happy to just take it as it comes.. im also fine with seeing her once a week. I treat her good yes, and shes normally good with me as well. Like today we didnt speak much, but i got a goodnight, i love you when she went to sleep. Like i said im gonna be relaxed, not be needy and just sit back and see what happens for now.. this whole behaviour has only stemmed this past week and last night is when i talked to her about it. Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 Well - but that's the thing - the behavior just hasn't been this week! And look - there's "needy" and then there's "normal needs". Especially if you're a caring, affectionate, lovey-dovey type guy - meeting once a week with someone who's hot/cold/hol/cold borderline bdp and doesn't know what they want at 27 even after dating you for two years, you may not be getting your legitimate needs met. And downplaying them for the sake of "peace" in the relationship and/or making it work at all doesn't serve you (or her) any good in the long run. I'm not saying run, but you need a detailed, time bound game plan for this and at some point she needs to mediate her moods and own it. Now, healthy normal people aren't happy all the time or void of sadness or quietness, etc. But they're consistent and somewhat predictable over the long run. So i would be cautious and also get really real, really fast with yourself about what you're feeling, what you need, and what you want. Because the only person it sounds like who would get hurt in this all is you. If seeing you once a week is enough for her at 27 then she's not that into you. Sorry. Or you both have different opinions of what love/relationships look like. Imagine having to live with her every day. Just do yourself a favor and do a self-check and figure things out before doing anything about the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lee179108 Posted July 24, 2020 Author Share Posted July 24, 2020 3 minutes ago, scooby-philly said: Well - but that's the thing - the behavior just hasn't been this week! And look - there's "needy" and then there's "normal needs". Especially if you're a caring, affectionate, lovey-dovey type guy - meeting once a week with someone who's hot/cold/hol/cold borderline bdp and doesn't know what they want at 27 even after dating you for two years, you may not be getting your legitimate needs met. And downplaying them for the sake of "peace" in the relationship and/or making it work at all doesn't serve you (or her) any good in the long run. I'm not saying run, but you need a detailed, time bound game plan for this and at some point she needs to mediate her moods and own it. Now, healthy normal people aren't happy all the time or void of sadness or quietness, etc. But they're consistent and somewhat predictable over the long run. So i would be cautious and also get really real, really fast with yourself about what you're feeling, what you need, and what you want. Because the only person it sounds like who would get hurt in this all is you. If seeing you once a week is enough for her at 27 then she's not that into you. Sorry. Or you both have different opinions of what love/relationships look like. Imagine having to live with her every day. Just do yourself a favor and do a self-check and figure things out before doing anything about the relationship. I hear you, its not easy though as we live an hour apart... especially when things go back to normal and we work 5 days a week.... like 3 weeks ago she was telling me to never doubt that she loves me etc and wants a future. Its just right now... at the end of the day i cant say whats going on in her head, only she can.. so will have to trust what shes told me so far, if there was some s*** to come id have expected her to tell me last night. But I will take your advice on board so thank you for that. If we somehow broke up I do genuinely think she would miss me, ive learnt if it happens that i go into no contact and move on with my life because thats what i would have to do. Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 Well - understandable, but if you're only seeing each other 1 day a week and she's hemming and hawing on living with you vs getting out on her own - then you have to push her to make a decision - but be clear - you'll still date her if she wants to live on her own. I just found, through personal trial and error and also listening and helping people on here on/off that sometimes the signs you need are right in front of you. Maybe it's just a momentary thing - but that's where you have to communicate and very frequently and very clearly and from the heart (her too, especially her) - what's going on. But you also have to own your wants, needs, and feelings. even if you're not an emotional guy like me, your needs and wants are just as important as hers. Just keep that in mind. Link to post Share on other sites
DarrenB Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 I would assume with the previous complications you two have had it has made her more skeptical to commit fully to the rekindling of the relationship. She may have realized some incompatibilities between you both before and after your initial breakup, but she may not necessarily know how to put it across to you in a manner that is honest and to not come off as abrupt as it generally is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lee179108 Posted July 24, 2020 Author Share Posted July 24, 2020 6 hours ago, DarrenB said: I would assume with the previous complications you two have had it has made her more skeptical to commit fully to the rekindling of the relationship. She may have realized some incompatibilities between you both before and after your initial breakup, but she may not necessarily know how to put it across to you in a manner that is honest and to not come off as abrupt as it generally is. Thats the thing up until 3 weeks ago she was fully committed lol i mean she is committed but says she doesn't want to settle down as in getting a house or engagement yet.... Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 16 hours ago, lee179108 said: Yeah ive suggested to come off but she doesnt wanna get pregnant. It sounds like there may be someone else locally who she's interested in. That may explain the hot/cold and on/off thing. Don't tell her what to do with her contraception. That's not the problem. The relationship itself is the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 2 hours ago, lee179108 said: Thats the thing up until 3 weeks ago she was fully committed lol i mean she is committed but says she doesn't want to settle down as in getting a house or engagement yet.... You need to figure out what happened three weeks ago. That sudden turnaround is a red flag. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lee179108 Posted July 24, 2020 Author Share Posted July 24, 2020 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: It sounds like there may be someone else locally who she's interested in. That may explain the hot/cold and on/off thing. Don't tell her what to do with her contraception. That's not the problem. The relationship itself is the problem. I would never imagine her to be that type of girl, shes been cheated on herself in the past, she still has photo with me on her social media, still talks about me to her parents etc and we get on well... I would never imagine her to be that type of girl and ive never had any suspicion that might be the case. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts