Saartje Posted July 23, 2020 Posted July 23, 2020 Hi everybody, I really would like to share my story because I'm having a hard time accepting what is happening. A few months ago I met a nice guy at a party of my friend. We started talking, but at that time I was still in a relationship with another person, so I held my distance. The guy was actually flirting with me and giving me compliments, but he respected the fact that I had a relationship. We were both shocked when we told each other our ages: he was 21 but looking way older (he could easily be 30)and he thought that I was in my early twenties. I do look a lot younger, which I often don't like. Fastforward to a few months later: he heard my relationship was over and contacted me if I would like to have a drink. I agreed with a bit of hesitance. To be honest, he had been in my mind for the last few months. I find him very attractive, and we seem to have a great and genuine connecting. Despite of my hesitance because him being that young, I agreed to have a drink. And omg, that was a great evening. We connected very well, laughed with each other, had deep conversations and we ended the evening with a little kiss. Since then, I'm thinking of him all day. And he told me straight away that he wants to see me again. That he really likes me. I'm falling in love and I'm really enjoying it. But: there's a little voice in my head saying that it's really not ok to fall for such a young guy. That society will judge us, that it's not healthy etc. I'm a bit torn between enjoying it all and 'critising' myself. What do you all think. Is it OK for a woman that's 33 to date a 21year old and even fall for him?
d0nnivain Posted July 23, 2020 Posted July 23, 2020 Age is just a number. He's over the age of consent & you are having fun. Enjoy! 7
Backinthesaddleagain Posted July 23, 2020 Posted July 23, 2020 22 minutes ago, Saartje said: Hi everybody, I really would like to share my story because I'm having a hard time accepting what is happening. A few months ago I met a nice guy at a party of my friend. We started talking, but at that time I was still in a relationship with another person, so I held my distance. The guy was actually flirting with me and giving me compliments, but he respected the fact that I had a relationship. We were both shocked when we told each other our ages: he was 21 but looking way older (he could easily be 30)and he thought that I was in my early twenties. I do look a lot younger, which I often don't like. Fastforward to a few months later: he heard my relationship was over and contacted me if I would like to have a drink. I agreed with a bit of hesitance. To be honest, he had been in my mind for the last few months. I find him very attractive, and we seem to have a great and genuine connecting. Despite of my hesitance because him being that young, I agreed to have a drink. And omg, that was a great evening. We connected very well, laughed with each other, had deep conversations and we ended the evening with a little kiss. Since then, I'm thinking of him all day. And he told me straight away that he wants to see me again. That he really likes me. I'm falling in love and I'm really enjoying it. But: there's a little voice in my head saying that it's really not ok to fall for such a young guy. That society will judge us, that it's not healthy etc. I'm a bit torn between enjoying it all and 'critising' myself. What do you all think. Is it OK for a woman that's 33 to date a 21year old and even fall for him? My parents were 12 years apart. There is no rulebook, but having a long term partner with a big age gap like that can come with unique challenges. Just take things slow like any other relationship and watch for red flags. The more important question is, how do you feel about it? Can you handle the inevitable criticism from others about it? For now it sounds like you guys really hit it off, I would just enjoy it and see where it goes. You'd be smart to stay a little guarded though. Good luck 1
hippychick3 Posted July 23, 2020 Posted July 23, 2020 Wait...you’re falling in love after 1 date? I think you need to rein it in just a bit and be realistic. 12 years isn’t too much when the younger one is late 20’s, early 30’s. My fiancé is 10 years younger, but he was 33 when we met. A 21 year old is super YOUNG and barely an adult. He’s got a lot of growing up and experiences ahead of him. I would keep my heart guarded and expectations very low. 8
Fox Sake Posted July 23, 2020 Posted July 23, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Saartje said: Hi everybody, I really would like to share my story because I'm having a hard time accepting what is happening. A few months ago I met a nice guy at a party of my friend. We started talking, but at that time I was still in a relationship with another person, so I held my distance. The guy was actually flirting with me and giving me compliments, but he respected the fact that I had a relationship. We were both shocked when we told each other our ages: he was 21 but looking way older (he could easily be 30)and he thought that I was in my early twenties. I do look a lot younger, which I often don't like. Fastforward to a few months later: he heard my relationship was over and contacted me if I would like to have a drink. I agreed with a bit of hesitance. To be honest, he had been in my mind for the last few months. I find him very attractive, and we seem to have a great and genuine connecting. Despite of my hesitance because him being that young, I agreed to have a drink. And omg, that was a great evening. We connected very well, laughed with each other, had deep conversations and we ended the evening with a little kiss. Since then, I'm thinking of him all day. And he told me straight away that he wants to see me again. That he really likes me. I'm falling in love and I'm really enjoying it. But: there's a little voice in my head saying that it's really not ok to fall for such a young guy. That society will judge us, that it's not healthy etc. I'm a bit torn between enjoying it all and 'critising' myself. What do you all think. Is it OK for a woman that's 33 to date a 21year old and even fall for him? I have some acquaintances I know that have an age gap where the woman is older. She is now 56 and he is 32. They got married 5 years ago and are still together now, he loves her dearly. They both do. who gives a s*** about society. Society’s rules are flawed and broken, designed to make everyone conform to some stupid made up way that things are apparently meant to be. the only thing that really matters is your happiness Who cares what other people think. Edited July 23, 2020 by Fox Sake Spelling 5
ShyViolet Posted July 23, 2020 Posted July 23, 2020 Do whatever you want. If you truly like the guy and you don't mind how young he is, then go for it. You can't live your life in fear of what other people will think. People will always have opinions. My bigger concern is that you said you are "falling in love" and you've only gone on one date with the guy. That's not healthy behavior. Slow down.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 23, 2020 Posted July 23, 2020 It depends on what you want. If you just want to date for fun, no problem. If you want to get involved with someone you could marry and have kids with, you need to go slowly and get to know him so you can evaluate his suitability for that. Most 21-year-old men aren't ready for that. My latest revelation about dating is that it's so much smoother if you discuss upfront what both of your values and long-term goals are. So many people including myself tend to dive in for the fun of it without considering the larger questions - which eventually leads to heartache and pain. 6
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 23, 2020 Posted July 23, 2020 4 hours ago, Saartje said: Hi everybody, I really would like to share my story because I'm having a hard time accepting what is happening. A few months ago I met a nice guy at a party of my friend. We started talking, but at that time I was still in a relationship with another person, so I held my distance. The guy was actually flirting with me and giving me compliments, but he respected the fact that I had a relationship. We were both shocked when we told each other our ages: he was 21 but looking way older (he could easily be 30)and he thought that I was in my early twenties. I do look a lot younger, which I often don't like. Fastforward to a few months later: he heard my relationship was over and contacted me if I would like to have a drink. I agreed with a bit of hesitance. To be honest, he had been in my mind for the last few months. I find him very attractive, and we seem to have a great and genuine connecting. Despite of my hesitance because him being that young, I agreed to have a drink. And omg, that was a great evening. We connected very well, laughed with each other, had deep conversations and we ended the evening with a little kiss. Since then, I'm thinking of him all day. And he told me straight away that he wants to see me again. That he really likes me. I'm falling in love and I'm really enjoying it. But: there's a little voice in my head saying that it's really not ok to fall for such a young guy. That society will judge us, that it's not healthy etc. I'm a bit torn between enjoying it all and 'critising' myself. What do you all think. Is it OK for a woman that's 33 to date a 21year old and even fall for him? Gosh, we (society) don't get very many chances to encounter such a unique angle on the age-old concern about age differences. A guy who looks somewhat older than he is, dating a woman who is 12 years older AND who looks considerably younger than she is. (ponder) What if those in interracial relationships could drift along throughout life with few able to figure out that they are IN interracial relationships? (how would dynamics be different?) What about voting rights? Should we only offer voting rights to teenagers contingent upon society being allowed to closely monitor for whom those people vote ??? I think some significant consideration should be given (by you) to your own independent interests in having children... and then (demanding) absolute clarity (to the extent presently understood) with regard to his interests in having children. IF those two 'fit together' reasonably well at this point, then keep going without too much concern. I sense that your concerns here are more comprised ONLY of (stories/concerns you've heard all of your life) than of substantial considerations that would actually impact your could-be relationship.
scooby-philly Posted July 24, 2020 Posted July 24, 2020 Hey OP, Let me chime in here having just gotten my heart-broken in a similar situation - though I was the older person in the relationship. We were 14 years ago. She was 22 when i met her and I was 36. And F anybody on here that would like to roll their eyes at me. I didn't purposely go looking for someone that young. Anyway - there are only two considerations to keep in mind - what you want in the next 3-5 years and his personality/life experience. In terms of the first consideration - obviously the big question is children. Do you want them? If so, when? Now I think you being the older party makes it a bit easier because if you want them in 2-3 years and he's still going through education and/or starting his career - if you're settled, he can probably manage the task (if you guys get that far and he turns out to want kids). Now, that's not something you talk to him about now - but you have to be completely honest with yourself. Because if you do want them and you want them in the next 2,3,4,5 years and he doesn't want kids or he doesn't want them in the same timeline as you you have a problem and you can be looking for other people now. So for next 2,3, months - enjoy the ride but really get honest with yourself. I know for me, while I would love to have kids, I'm 39 now and even before I met my last ex I was content to find the right person finally and just be happy with a great relationship/marriage. That's even truer now then it was 3 years ago because I'm 3 years older now. I never pressured the ex about kids and respected her education and career. But considering you're the older party you need to get real with yourself and quick before you get too far in this. The second consideration is his personality and his life experience. I think age gaps are not an issue when the younger person is at least....25....maybe 27/28. Now, I'm not just basing that on my own experience, but on what I've seen first hand in life and what a number of smart, honest, loving people on here have shared. Now that doesn't mean this couldn't work out for you - but you have to spend the next few weeks/months really looking at him and his maturity level. Is he emotionally mature and healthy and adult? Can he communicate openly and express feelings? Is there something in his childhood/family that might cause a problem - a verbally abusive mother, a cold father, parents who only care about $ and/or status and/or respectability, etc. I know for my ex - I was the first serious relationship for her and she still lived at home and her parents were cold/enabling (father) and her crazy/bitter/angry/shame based(mother) (and grandmother) and the family was dysfunctional. I mean, her older sister at 25/26 was still living at home despite making great money as a healthcare professional. So in the end, I got my heartbroken because she was still a baby, still emotionally immature, still expecting the "perfect relationship" like a 14 yr old girl, and she had a "good girl" personality complex that stopped her from being herself, living her own life, etc. Hell, she didn't really have friends or a social life. So those are things to keep in mind as you let the relationship progress naturally. Is he READY for a mature, adult, healthy, relationship (on top of the normal questions of compability, communication, personality, etc.). Don't let anyone judge you, but you have to be the BIGGEST analyzer in all of this or else you'll wake up one day and realize that you wasted a lot of time if your heart is telling you RIGHT NOW that you want something serious within the next year and/or you can't bring yourself after 6 or 12 months to breakup if that feeling comes and he's not the one. So have fun, but work your feelings. 2
Ami1uwant Posted July 24, 2020 Posted July 24, 2020 My 1st cousin and her husband are about that age difference with her older. thebig concern...when you are post menopause in your later 40s he can turn and see a 25 yr old and trade you in.
Blind-Sided Posted July 24, 2020 Posted July 24, 2020 (edited) 17 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Age is just a number. He's over the age of consent & you are having fun. Enjoy! I'm a person who now very much believes that also. After my divorce, I was introduced to girls who were younger than me, and at first it bothered me. After a few dates, and getting out of my own head... it was fine. But then, I connected with a girl who is 21 years younger than me, and it just feels right. (her 26, me 47) She is mature for her age, and she has already dealt with guys who were childish, and wouldn't take responsibility for themselves. (basically, guys looking for a new mom) I'm mentally young, and don't act my age. But she sees a clean house, and a dad who loves his kids, and takes on the bulk of the responsibility for them. She doesn't want kids of her own, but likes that I can take charge, and deal with whatever problem comes along. We have been together for 6 months now, and things a great. So... see where it goes, and don't worry about "Age". But as others have said... don't fall too fast until you figure out who he really is. (mature, and self sufficient, or a man child who needs a mom, and wants to party.) Edited July 24, 2020 by Blind-Sided 1
Erik30 Posted July 24, 2020 Posted July 24, 2020 It's fine if you just want to date and have some fun, but the age difference might become a problem if you want to settle down and have kids any time soon 1
Weezy1973 Posted July 24, 2020 Posted July 24, 2020 11 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: My 1st cousin and her husband are about that age difference with her older. thebig concern...when you are post menopause in your later 40s he can turn and see a 25 yr old and trade you in. This isn’t really a concern. People end relationships for all sorts of reason. For example the OP just had a relationship end, and I’m guessing it wasn’t because her ex traded her in for a younger model..
Ami1uwant Posted July 24, 2020 Posted July 24, 2020 58 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: This isn’t really a concern. People end relationships for all sorts of reason. For example the OP just had a relationship end, and I’m guessing it wasn’t because her ex traded her in for a younger model.. I’ve sern it happen... a good frirnd of mine in his late 30s married someone in her mid 20sa former frirnd of mine in her early 20s dated a divorcee who was late 30/early 40. It’s common with many dircees eho are 35-42 dating a 23-29 yr old and marrying thrm Its something to be aware of.
stillafool Posted July 24, 2020 Posted July 24, 2020 12 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: thebig concern...when you are post menopause in your later 40s he can turn and see a 25 yr old and trade you in. Perhaps if he wants children. If not it probably won't happen.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 24, 2020 Posted July 24, 2020 5 hours ago, Erik30 said: the age difference might become a problem if you want to settle down and have kids any time soon Uh, it would be much more of a problem were she to want to settle down and have kids considerably later. Even then, the age difference itself has zero impact on whether he'd be able to father any kids she wanted to have. (Google Mary Kay Letourneau for evidence)
Wiseman2 Posted July 24, 2020 Posted July 24, 2020 On 7/23/2020 at 3:05 PM, Saartje said: there's a little voice in my head saying that it's really not ok to fall for such a young guy. That society will judge us, that it's not healthy etc. I'm a bit torn between enjoying it all and 'critising' myself. What do you all think. Is it OK for a woman that's 33 to date a 21year old and even fall for him? Enjoy it for what it is. Is it right or wrong? Who knows, it depends on if it's right for you. French president, Emmanuel Macron is married to Brigitte Trogneux, 24 years his senior. Not that everyone with age gap relationships should marry one day, it's about carving out your own life and whatever works for you.
Erik30 Posted July 24, 2020 Posted July 24, 2020 3 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said: Uh, it would be much more of a problem were she to want to settle down and have kids considerably later. Even then, the age difference itself has zero impact on whether he'd be able to father any kids she wanted to have. (Google Mary Kay Letourneau for evidence) Well yeah, that's why I said if she wants to have kids "any time soon." OP is at an age where most people are done partying and want to have a serious relationship/start a family. You can't really expect that from this guy... No way I was ready for that at 21, but there are exceptions of course
basil67 Posted July 24, 2020 Posted July 24, 2020 Does he want a relationship with you, or just some hot sexy fun? I'm female and had a large age gap with a guy when I was young - I thought it was a holiday fling but he fell for me. Due to our age gap and a 500km distance, it didn't even occur to me that he'd take it as anything more than fun sex. Make sure you're on the same page. 2
thefooloftheyear Posted July 25, 2020 Posted July 25, 2020 These situations always seem to implode. eventually....some sooner than later, but there is always seemingly something that comes up....One says they don't want kids, then changes their mind...The young "fun" guy is all great in the beginning, then it wears out when she is out working and he's playing video games with his buddies, has no solid career/earnings, and she's jealous of her friends older husband that earns enough so she doesn't have to work... And look at another thread on here, where the woman is much older than the guy, i think she's 50, and is doubting the relationship, everyone speculating that she doesn't feel confident in her appearance anymore... With all that said, there is no reason it can't work, either.....I think it is kinda tougher for the older women/younger guy thing, that's why its seemingly less common...And just thinking aloud, a woman mid 30's normally is at such a huge difference in life goals than a guy just out of his teens, that it seems really improbable....Much moreso than a 38 year old guy with a 50 year old woman, for example... Good luck TFY 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 25, 2020 Posted July 25, 2020 I also think a lot of men are waking up to the fact that the older man younger woman thing usually revolves around financial/transactional benefits. I guess some men are ok with playing the sugar daddy role - but from what I'm seeing and hearing, for anyone who wants a meaningful relationship of depth, being used for money is becoming less desirable in general. A benefit of female empowerment via rising earning power is that love connections are losing the illusions and becoming more genuine. Just my read on the zeitgeist.
Author Saartje Posted July 25, 2020 Author Posted July 25, 2020 Thank you everyone for your responses! I like him, but what also is making me to hold back just a bit is that he seems to want something serious. He mentioned a few times that 'if we would have a relationship' 'if you would be my girlfriend' etc. He says he's not the type for just some fun. I'm afraid that if I'll give in, or if I'll sleep with him, he'll except a relationship. He has his own company that is really flourishing, and he mentioned dreaming of a child that could one day, take over the company. I myself already have a kid (she's 6 years old) and I'm actually enjoying this phase of slowly getting more space for myself and being able to sleep again :). Actually, I don't really wish for another baby or even being pregnant again. So yeah, that's where this could go wrong for us.
Wiseman2 Posted July 25, 2020 Posted July 25, 2020 It doesn't sound like he wants anything serious at this point. Enjoy the fun and don't get in this deep. Have drinks, daydream and if you want to hookup, that's fine but remember it's just drinks and daydreaming right now.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 25, 2020 Posted July 25, 2020 16 hours ago, Saartje said: Thank you everyone for your responses! I like him, but what also is making me to hold back just a bit is that he seems to want something serious. He mentioned a few times that 'if we would have a relationship' 'if you would be my girlfriend' etc. He says he's not the type for just some fun. I'm afraid that if I'll give in, or if I'll sleep with him, he'll except a relationship. He has his own company that is really flourishing, and he mentioned dreaming of a child that could one day, take over the company. I myself already have a kid (she's 6 years old) and I'm actually enjoying this phase of slowly getting more space for myself and being able to sleep again :). Actually, I don't really wish for another baby or even being pregnant again. So yeah, that's where this could go wrong for us. This is your call on every level, but the context of your initial thread matches the old (date a younger person for "fun", and date a mature person for "something serious")... and this guy very well could BE the rare exception to the usual (threads around here on similar potential relationships). I don't think there's a problem unless you don't want any sort of a relationship with him. And if that's the case, you should just drop him like a hot rock so he can go and thrive with somebody who is a better match to his own outlook. 2
snowboy91 Posted July 26, 2020 Posted July 26, 2020 (edited) 17 hours ago, Saartje said: Thank you everyone for your responses! I like him, but what also is making me to hold back just a bit is that he seems to want something serious. He mentioned a few times that 'if we would have a relationship' 'if you would be my girlfriend' etc. He says he's not the type for just some fun. I'm afraid that if I'll give in, or if I'll sleep with him, he'll except a relationship. He has his own company that is really flourishing, and he mentioned dreaming of a child that could one day, take over the company. I myself already have a kid (she's 6 years old) and I'm actually enjoying this phase of slowly getting more space for myself and being able to sleep again :). Actually, I don't really wish for another baby or even being pregnant again. So yeah, that's where this could go wrong for us. Wow, not the way around that I was expecting. More often it's the younger one that just wants the fun and the older one wanting something serious. Not that I'm saying it's based solely on age (that comment is intended to be light) - you can have no age gap, and have one person looking for serious and the other looking for fun. It just boils down to the idea that you want to move at different rates and have different expectations - which could cause issues down the track. You may want to consider this before you get in too deep. Edited July 26, 2020 by snowboy91
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