Need a reality check as the OW

[Conflicted2020]

1 minute ago, mark clemson said:

Well, it's him and not him. Love (or whatever you wish to call your feelings) is as much in one's own brain as in the actual other person - two components IMO...

Unrequitted love sucks lol so maybe I will go with its just dopamine 

[BaileyB]

41 minutes ago, Conflicted2020 said:

I have thought, if I could just find another guy to have a connection with, not serious, that I would get over this one. SO maybe you're right, maybe it isnt him at all. 

Where does your amazing husband fit into this “solution?”

one thing you need to understand, the answer to your problems isn’t to be found in the arms of another man - not your husband, not your affair partner, not another “new” man... The answer you seek can only be found within...

[mark clemson]

@Conflicted2020  It's true that if your husband isn't "doing it" for you that is a significant issue to address. If you're married it makes more sense (IMO) to seek therapy so you can let the marriage stand or fall on it's own. If you're unhappy, then replacing one affair with another is presumably just a band aid approach to the real issues that significantly increases risk + will not solve your issues LT.

Really even if you weren't married a new partner would essentially be a sort of "dopamine crutch" to help you get over the MM. (That was indeed my intent in posting that suggestion - at times "crutches" can be quite helpful, temporarily.)

Edited July 27, 2020 by mark clemson

[Destiny09]

@Prudence V I believe you said your affair worked out? I  am curious as to what was your success? 
I had a terrible marriage and was planning to leave.  And then this AP comes along.  He told me he “stalked” me; meaning, he was asking questions to others about me and wanted to meet me, etc. He didn’t know when we met, I was getting a divorce.  I wonder now; maybe I was just a challenge? 
He isn’t interested in sex or really being physical with me.  We connected emotionally.  But, I seriously wonder, does he just want to “look at me”; make sure others see that he gets to “talk to me”.  Sounds like high school. Again, I am too old for this.  I don’t understand his intentions.  He loves to hang out with me, and says he loves me, but still stays with his GF.  He keeps saying I might go back to my H, but I am definitely out of my marriage. 

[Prudence V]

10 hours ago, Destiny09 said:

@Prudence V I believe you said your affair worked out? I  am curious as to what was your success? 

“Worked out” is a subjective call. Some EMRs “work out” in that the APs end up together. Others “work out” in that they don’t. I think yours would “work out” in the latter way, in that you would get to escape from this nasty piece of work who treats you badly. 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Destiny09 said:

He isn’t interested in sex or really being physical with me.  We connected emotionally.  But, I seriously wonder, does he just want to “look at me”; make sure others see that he gets to “talk to me”. 

He likes the attention from you. You're feeding his ego without him crossing that physical boundary. 

This arrangement suits him perfectly. You hang on, and he gets attention and validation from both you and his girlfriend. 

[curlygirl40]

On 7/24/2020 at 10:07 PM, Destiny09 said:

I think what hurts is that the man can go on and make us feel like we were nothing. That what we shared meant nothing to the man. That’s what hurts me the most.  He just goes back to his GF and pretends he never cheated. That WE never had anything! But, the truth is, WE never did have anything.  He is a liar; with his GF and with me.  How do these men live with themselves! 
 

I am feeling much stronger. 
 

Thank you for all your replies. All your “reality checks”

 

 

We teach people how to treat us.    When you say that the man can go on and make us feel like we were nothing.   He is not making you feel that way, YOU are making yourself feel that way.    You are giving him permission to treat you in such a way that it makes you feel that way.    Ugh.    

Imagine yourself in a kayak on a windy day with no oars.    The boat is just going whichever way due to external circumstances.  YOU have the power to pick up the oars and row your own boat where you want it to go.  Where is it written that Destiny is not allowed to be happy, that she's only allowed to wait for this man to pay her some attention.    

Would be interesting to know how long you were married (sorry if it's here and I missed it), but I heard when I went through my divorce that you kind of go back to dating again with the same mentality as when you were last dating.   So like if you were in your young 20's the last time you dated, you have a lot to learn about how dating is these days.     

I don't like this guy.    No contact as best as you can and let him find some other toy on another shelf.    Jerkface

[Destiny09]

Married 19 years. I have suffered through physical & emotional abuse. This divorce is long overdue.  I finally have the courage to leave. H is making divorce difficult. He doesn’t love me only wants me around for financial reasons. We have been disconnected for about 5 years. 
AP didn’t know I was in process of divorce when we connected ( I am very private) . 

Maybe that is what threw off AP? Thinking I was not available as a MW.  
 

AP just cancelled to see me tonight. He can’t ever commit  when he will see me next. Maybe tomorrow? That’s what we fight about. He can commit to others on plans, but not me. He told me tonight I cause him stress because I ask to make plans with me. And again, this turns him off that I get mad when he cancels on me.  This is the only fight we ever have; when to see each other. He can never commit to a day/time. He says because of our situation. IDK... never been in this “situation”. 
 

I love being with him. And yes, I feel connected. I keep thinking he will leave his GF. He is the OM. And tells me he doesn’t know what I will do. 
I believe if he isn’t interested in his GF, then move on. But he stays. I don’t understand her either. They never do anything together, they don’t sleep together,  she does things on her own... both say they are “single”. Guess it’s a comfort thing. And the “circle of friends”. 
 

I just found this board and feel stronger.  My plans? Get divorced. That’s a given. Do I wait for AP to leave his GF? How long do I wait? Divorce is final end of year. And that’s my deadline, I promise. If AP has not broken up, I am gone. I told him that! 
 

[Nats_16]

I waited three years and he was living in a similar kind of set up so don’t hold your breath. It’s a comfort thing for these men plus why give it all up when we boost their ego without them even having to lift a finger. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Destiny09 said:

AP just cancelled to see me tonight. He can’t ever commit  when he will see me next. Maybe tomorrow? That’s what we fight about. He can commit to others on plans, but not me. He told me tonight I cause him stress because I ask to make plans with me. And again, this turns him off that I get mad when he cancels on me.  This is the only fight we ever have; when to see each other. He can never commit to a day/time. He says because of our situation. IDK... never been in this “situation”.
 

My plans? Get divorced. That’s a given. Do I wait for AP to leave his GF? How long do I wait? Divorce is final end of year. And that’s my deadline, I promise. If AP has not broken up, I am gone. I told him that! 

Respectively:

A) He doesn't commit to a day/time because he is not committed to you. You are what he does in his down time, and only on his schedule. You are second place after his girlfriend, so if she wants to do something or gives him heck for having plans, you'll be nixed. Expecting any sort of commitment is totally unrealistic for an affair partner. It's part of the package, OP. 

B) Do not wait at all. The likelihood of him leaving when he can't so much as nail down a "date" is slim-to-none. 

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, Destiny09 said:

AP just cancelled to see me tonight. He can’t ever commit  when he will see me next. Maybe tomorrow? That’s what we fight about. He can commit to others on plans, but not me. He told me tonight I cause him stress because I ask to make plans with me. And again, this turns him off that I get mad when he cancels on me.  This is the only fight we ever have; when to see each other. He can never commit to a day/time. He says because of our situation. IDK... never been in this “situation”. 

I love being with him. And yes, I feel connected. I keep thinking he will leave his GF. He is the OM. And tells me he doesn’t know what I will do. 
I believe if he isn’t interested in his GF, then move on. But he stays. I don’t understand her either. They never do anything together, they don’t sleep together,  she does things on her own... both say they are “single”. Guess it’s a comfort thing. And the “circle of friends”. 

With respect, their relationship is not something for you to understand, it is between them. It is none of your business. And, it does not matter... he has clearly chosen her.

You are waiting around, hoping that this man will chose you. Have you considered the fact that he is not someone you want to have in your life? Do you really want a man who could treat a woman this way - consider the way he treats his girlfriend? Consider the way he treats you? 

If he wanted to be with you, he would make the time to be with you. But rather, he blames you and tells you that you cause him stress because you want to spend rime together. 

Come on Destiny, do you not see the connection here. You had an emotionally and physically abusive husband, and you stayed in that marriage for far longer than you should have stayed. You see that now, as you finally leave the marriage. BUT, you are attempting to jump from one emotionally abusive man to another... This guy is dismissive of your feelings, using you for sex at his convenience, and blaming you for expecting too much... and you are waiting, hoping that he will pick you - you are quite literally volunteering for another emotionally abusive relationship. 

Counselling my friend. Please find yourself a counsellor because I see a pattern developing... 

Edited July 31, 2020 by BaileyB

[Bittersweetie]

11 hours ago, Destiny09 said:

AP just cancelled to see me tonight. He can’t ever commit  when he will see me next. Maybe tomorrow? That’s what we fight about. He can commit to others on plans, but not me. He told me tonight I cause him stress because I ask to make plans with me. And again, this turns him off that I get mad when he cancels on me.  This is the only fight we ever have; when to see each other. He can never commit to a day/time. He says because of our situation. IDK... never been in this “situation”. 
 

I remember one time my MM canceling on me at the last minute, and then actually blaming it on me. Something like "I can't make it tonight because you're so demanding." I think this was after I sent an email asking if we were still getting together that night. At the time I was like, "Oh no! What did I do?!" But now I see it was just another way of showing how unhealthy that relationship was.

I agree with PP that this relationship is not healthy for you. After what you have gone through, and are going through now (the divorce), the best thing you can do is take time for yourself and self-care. You do not need this MM to do that, you have all the power within you right now. Leave both these guys in the dust and work toward your best self. 

[BaileyB]

It goes without saying, but a man who loves you will want to spend time with you. He will MAKE time to spend together. The fact that he is NOT doing that is your biggest clue here... This is a very unhealthy relationship for you. 

[mark clemson]

17 hours ago, Destiny09 said:

 Do I wait for AP to leave his GF? How long do I wait? Divorce is final end of year. And that’s my deadline, I promise. If AP has not broken up, I am gone. I told him that!

If you wait, don't wait long. The irony of waiting is that you make it easier for him to stay put (he's happier with you as an AP than without). He could leave his GF right now if he really wanted to, but isn't.

End of the year/while your divorce finalizes is not completely crazy. Just realize you are enabling him to do this to both you and to his GF. You will very likely come to the end of that time and realize that that has been your major accomplishment, unfortunately. Suggest you very strongly pluck up your resolve for when the time eventually comes and be ready to embrace your new life and the prospect of finding an unattached man.

Edited July 31, 2020 by mark clemson

[Destiny09]

The more I read the other posts, the more I realize I am not any different from the OW in an affair. The words, situations, etc are all too real and exactly what I am going through. 
@Bittersweetie; you nailed it!  “I am too demanding“ and  it’s  a turn off.  
And all I was doing was confirming about meeting too! 
He does tell me he hates being the OM. And shares that he wants to be able to just call or see me and not have to make “plans”. 

I am seeing a therapist right now to help me get through my divorce and now this situation.  
This may sound awful (please don’t judge) but in a way, I feel his attention on me; when it’s there, helps me with my divorce.  
Maybe just enough to believe that someone is interested in me; that I won’t be lonely and there are other men...good, unattached men out there. 
 

Like others, I never thought I would be in this situation.  And I do know what I need to do.  

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, Destiny09 said:

This may sound awful (please don’t judge) but in a way, I feel his attention on me; when it’s there, helps me with my divorce.  
Maybe just enough to believe that someone is interested in me; that I won’t be lonely and there are other men...good, unattached men out there. 

Destiny, this is a pretty standard exit affair. People often do this - the affair gives them the courage to leave their marriage and the belief that something “different” (notice, I didn’t say better because I don’t believe this is a better option for you). On this site, it’s called monkey branching from one relationship to another...

16 minutes ago, Destiny09 said:

He does tell me he hates being the OM. And shares that he wants to be able to just call or see me and not have to make “plans”. 

Nice enough for him to say, except for the fact that he has a girlfriend. And thus, he is not available to just call or see you and not “make plans.” Besides - isn’t that his problem - he doesn’t call and he doesn’t make plans... he chooses his work, his friends, and his girlfriend first. I mean, I would love to just book a one way plan ticket to Paris and begin a European adventure... but, I can’t because I have other commitments. Isn’t that the same as him fantasizing about calling you or stopping by unannounced to make dinner or have sex - without having to “make plans?”

Edited July 31, 2020 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

26 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Isn’t that the same as him fantasizing about calling you or stopping by unannounced to make dinner or have sex - without having to “make plans?”

In other words, these are words easily said - not backed up by actions.

Quote

Destiny, this is a pretty standard exit affair. People often do this - the affair gives them the courage to leave their marriage and the belief that something “different” (notice, I didn’t say better because I don’t believe this is a better option for you) exists. 

Furthermore, this is fine to do if it gives you the strength to leave your marriage. But seriously, this is not where you stay. You can’t possibly stay with a man who is otherwise committed to another woman, doesn’t make time to be together, and guilts you when you ask to spend time with him...

Edited July 31, 2020 by BaileyB