Need a reality check as the OW

[Destiny09]

I am married with divorce final by end of year. Marriage was over a long time ago, just waited for kids to get older. I met a man with GF recently.   They have lived together for about 7 years. He initiated flirting with me and I fell for him; hard. We have not had sex but both of us are emotionally and physically attached. He usually calls,  texts and tells me he loves me almost every day. But, it still feel like he is hot and cold towards me. His words are that he loves me, but he  doesn’t make time to see me. 
I hate being 2nd choice. He cancels on me last minute, he never initiated/makes plans, which is hard for me with work, kids, etc.  I see him about 2 times a week, for  a couple of hours at his work; when no one is there. 
It’s also hard as we have mutual friends and hang in the same circle. So I get to see him with his GF. I have to pretend we don’t know each very well and that there is nothing between us. And that hurts. He says “we are not a couple” and I have no right to get mad and upset when he cancels to hang with her or his friends. 
If I get mad that he is making me the 2nd choice then he tells me that it turns him off and it makes him not want to see me. 
I feel he controls the “situation”. 
And all my emotions are up and down. I feel anxious all the time.  

I asked if he plans to leave his GF. He said he didn’t know what he is going to do yet   

He knows my divorce will be final soon. 
Am I setting myself up that he won’t leave his GF? And I will have to keep this dirty secret inside all the time I see him and his GF together?

I need a reality check. 

Edited July 23, 2020 by Destiny09
Grammer

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, Destiny09 said:

He says “we are not a couple” and I have no right to get mad and upset when he cancels to hang with her or his friends. 
If I get mad that he is making 2nd choice then he tells me that it turns him off and it makes him not want to see me. 
I feel he controls the “situation”.  

You are the "other woman" and he is putting you back in your place.
This is the reality of the OW role. His gf is #1 and his priority.
You are supposed to stay in your box when he doesn't need you, like  a good little girl... you are supposed to be "fun", you are not supposed to get mad or tell him what to do. 

You are correct he calls the shots.
I guess he wont leave unless she finds out and she kicks him out and you get him by default, even then he may still go back to her unfortunately..

Quote

And all my emotions are up and down. I feel anxious all the time.

Google "intermittent reinforcement" and watch the Youtube video - Why You Can't Leave The Relationship (Intermittent Reinforcement) - Teal Swan
Hot and cold push and pull is addictive and will drive you crazy..

[BaileyB]

48 minutes ago, Destiny09 said:

His words are that he loves me, but he doesn’t make time to see me. 

He cancels on me last minute, he never initiated/makes plans. 

I see him about 2 times a week, for  a couple of hours at his work; when no one is there. 

He says “we are not a couple” and I have no right to get mad and upset when he cancels to hang with her or his friends. 

I asked if he plans to leave his GF. He said he didn’t know what he is going to do yet   

Well, if they say that you can tell a person’s intentions by their actions... what does the above say to you? 

Basically, he tells you that he loves you but he will only see you during work hours, he has never initiated plans, his girlfriend AND his friends are a higher priority than you, he tells you that you are NOT a couple, and he tells you he is undecided about whether he will/will not leave his girlfriend...

What does that say to you? Ignore the “I love you,” because those words are so easy to say and lost in the wind... they are virtually meaningless. What do his actions tell you?

And if I may, why would you want a man who places such a low priority on your relationship? Just saying... If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. He doesn’t make time to be with you even in the context of your affair, what makes you think he would leave his girlfriend for you? 

Edited July 23, 2020 by BaileyB

[AngelLove]

AS an OW, I say get now while you still have your dignity and soul. It will only get harder the longer you keep seeing him...and your dissatification of not being able to have him fully will grow. I know from experience. I'm ready to end things with MM and already debating what to say even though i still like him a lot. I know it's best for me

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Destiny09 said:

He usually calls,  texts and tells me he loves me almost every day. But, it still feel like he is hot and cold towards me. His words are that he loves me, but he  doesn’t make time to see me.  ...   I asked if he plans to leave his GF. He said he didn’t know what he is going to do yet 

I need a reality check. 

Reality check. There are 3 possibilities:

 1) He stays with GF - in that case you are "2nd"place until you can "find the strength" to firmly decide to walk away. I'd suggest you not stick around too long for that. I strongly believe this is the most probable case, and I suspect many others here would back me up on that.

2) He leaves GF and stays with you. That can happen, but based on what I see on this board, I'd say there is a low probability. Also, won't you feel guilty about helping him break up their relationship? IF you really want this, then perhaps give it a shot, but again, I'd suggest you not stick around too long waiting. We have OW post on this board with some frequency who have waited years and years and in some cases even gotten pregnant only to have the affair end and him stay with the original partner.  Don't think you want THAT to happen.

3) He leaves GF and plays the field/starts dating around. If he's genuinely unhappy with his relationship, this might also happen. A low probability, but something to be aware of.

Perhaps others will see other possibilities, but I believe those are the main 3. Suggest you plan accordingly.

Edit: It's quite possible IMO his words of love that you describe are pillow talk to keep you around/interested/chasing that validation. You should definitely consider the possibility that he's not actually being sincere IMO.

Edited July 24, 2020 by mark clemson

[Ruby Slippers]

Reality check:

To him, you're #2. Second class.

Even if he leaves her for you, you know you're with a guy who can lie to your face and sneak around on you for some other woman he "loves."

This is a dead end. You're the only one who can hit the brakes and turn around.

Edited July 24, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Nats_16]

Seriously walk away. I waited three years and one excuse after the other. I have no doubts he loved me but not enough to sacrifice his life for. We are an ego boost. Don’t do it to yourself. You feel s*** now then keep going and you won’t even know who you are anymore. X

[elaine567]

17 hours ago, Destiny09 said:

I see him about 2 times a week, for  a couple of hours at his work; when no one is there. 

Classic keep the OW a secret "MM" type behaviour.
Safe for him, as he sees you at his empty workplace, away from prying eyes.
He compartmentalises, you in this little 2 hour slot at his work and his gf in the prime slot as his #1.
If you want dates, plans and to be #1 then stay away from attached men.
Many men see divorced women as easy targets, emotional, vulnerable and desperate for love... they are thus easily slotted into the fwb/OW role.
A few ILYs and they are putty...
Please walk away, there is nothing but heart ache for you here sad to say.

[ExpatInItaly]

Another reality check: he doesn't love you.

He knows you will continue to hang on when you hear those words, so he uses them accordingly. He knows it's what keeps you coming back when it suits him. But he doesn't mean it. 

 

 

[SS2855]

18 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Google "intermittent reinforcement" and watch the Youtube video - Why You Can't Leave The Relationship (Intermittent Reinforcement) - Teal Swan

THIS. When I watched this is when I realized the sickness of what has been happening. It’s like a form of torture. Only now am I waking up to all of it. Nothing feels worse when you really, I mean REALLY realize you’re like a toy that the MM takes off the shelf when he’s ready to play and puts it right back on the shelf when he’s done. I know it all feels like love, soul mate, etc. but what it really is is attachment and need for validation. I am finding that the ONLY way out is to build up the sense of self. It’s the only thing that will get you to realize you deserve better. Not easy at all but it’s the only thing I can think of that truly works.

[Destiny09]

This really hit home of where I am:

Google "intermittent reinforcement" and watch the Youtube video - Why You Can't Leave The Relationship (Intermittent Reinforcement) - Teal Swan
Hot and cold push and pull is addictive and willdrive you crazy..
 

Thank you for sharing. It definitely feels like an addition.  And he gives just enough to keep me coming back.  

Appreciate all the replies. I have no one to talk to and I need to hear this; reality check. 
It’s so hard.  If I didn’t have to see him or the GF; or have to hear about them, it would be so much easier to walk away.  
 

 

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, Destiny09 said:

It’s so hard.  If I didn’t have to see him or the GF; or have to hear about them, it would be so much easier to walk away.  

Depends how you look at it... Can you flip that coin and use it to help you to walk away... I would respectfully suggest that you need to develop your anger at this man and what he has done here... 

Best wishes.

[Ruby Slippers]

You need to develop your own life and dive into what makes you happy, totally removed from this guy. It's a million times better to be the queen of your own castle than some married guy's side chick. Seek inspiration elsewhere and you WILL find it.

[Destiny09]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Depends how you look at it... Can you flip that coin and use it to help you to walk away... I would respectfully suggest that you need to develop your anger at this man and what he has done here... 

Good advice! 

I should add that he is 62 and I am 54. 
You would think we both could be more mature about this!
How dare he treat ME like this. I get so angry; and he tells me “it’s a turn off”, when I share my feelings; such as anger. 
I told him, “it’s a turn off” for me, for him to ignore my feelings, needs and wants.  
The more I express “who I am” the more he backs off.  
I tell myself I DO deserve better. Someone who respects my feelings, emotions, needs and wants. 
When I ask him questions, such as “what did you do this weekend” or “what are you doing tonight” he tells me it’s “none of my business”! He says that he doesn’t ask me questions so I shouldn’t ask him. 

i am getting out of a bad marriage; why do I want to start something with someone whom I can’t express myself? 
And I only get angry when he cancels on me when we had plans. Or when I ask “when can we see each other again”. He says it’s difficult with his business to make plans. Yet, he can do it with other people!

Sometimes anger is a good thing! And I often wonder “what the hell am I doing?” 

Reality check again!

 

 
 

[Wiseman2]

When you are on the other side of your divorce, you'll see how useless he is. You will want a real relationship, not an affair.

[Destiny09]

I think what hurts is that the man can go on and make us feel like we were nothing. That what we shared meant nothing to the man. That’s what hurts me the most.  He just goes back to his GF and pretends he never cheated. That WE never had anything! But, the truth is, WE never did have anything.  He is a liar; with his GF and with me.  How do these men live with themselves! 
 

I am feeling much stronger. 
 

Thank you for all your replies. All your “reality checks”

 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Destiny09 said:

How dare he treat ME like this.

The flip side of that coin is why do you settle for so little? You don’t control him, you only control YOU. If he treats you badly, why do you stay?

Quote

I get so angry; and he tells me “it’s a turn off”, when I share my feelings; such as anger. 
I told him, “it’s a turn off” for me, for him to ignore my feelings, needs and wants.  
The more I express “who I am” the more he backs off.  

I’m sorry to be blunt, but he is not obligated to care about your feelings. You are not his wife or his girlfriend. You are his workplace affair partner. 

Quote

When I ask him questions, such as “what did you do this weekend” or “what are you doing tonight” he tells me it’s “none of my business”! He says that he doesn’t ask me questions so I shouldn’t ask him. 

See above. 

You want a boyfriend but he already has a girlfriend. He can’t give you want you want because he is otherwise committed - to his girlfriend, to his friends, to his work. 

In all seriousness, I expected you to say that he was 22 years old and playing the field. Talk about turn offs, I would never put up with this kind of behavior from a grown man. 

You need to make another decision here. 

Edited July 25, 2020 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, Destiny09 said:

I think what hurts is that the man can go on and make us feel like we were nothing.

One of my favourite quotes - nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. 

You are worthy of more. The only question becomes, do you believe that? And when are you going to stop settling...

Edited July 25, 2020 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

His GF comes first, like it or not. He lies to her about you and to you about her. That's how it works.

[dangerous]

OP, as you say, you're getting out of a bad marriage, even though it will be hard, why not stay alone for a while: find yourself and grow.

Then decide what a good man looks like to YOU, and then start dating again.

And keep away from people who are already in relationships (once a cheat, likely a cheat second time again) or just broke up (usually rebound).

And I am speaking as a 57 year old

[Prudence V]

On 7/23/2020 at 10:32 PM, Destiny09 said:

I hate being 2nd choice.

Then don’t. Even in an A, there is no reason to settle for that. Any man who treats you like that isn’t worth any investment of time, emotions or body fluids. 

[Conflicted2020]

On 7/24/2020 at 9:07 PM, Destiny09 said:

I think what hurts is that the man can go on and make us feel like we were nothing. That what we shared meant nothing to the man. That’s what hurts me the most.  He just goes back to his GF and pretends he never cheated. That WE never had anything! But, the truth is, WE never did have anything.  He is a liar; with his GF and with me.  How do these men live with themselves! 
 

I am feeling much stronger. 
 

Thank you for all your replies. All your “reality checks”

 

 

I wonder why it seems like us women fall for the A**holes? Why do we keep going back to them when they are clearly pushing us away? Its confusing to me and I wish I knew how to end it too.

[mark clemson]

19 minutes ago, Conflicted2020 said:

I wonder why it seems like us women fall for the A**holes? Why do we keep going back to them when they are clearly pushing us away? Its confusing to me and I wish I knew how to end it too.

Having some perspective on what's going on physiologically might help: You get "hooked" on the dopamine generated in your brain by togetherness. When he pulls back, your dopamine levels go down, so you get "needy" and seek to boost it back up again, by seeking him.

Possibly you're the type of person for whom finding a new temporary partner might help with that aspect, so that's something to consider. Just be honest that it's not a LTR you're looking for. You might also consider therapy to help you learn to be "more content on your own" etc.

[Conflicted2020]

1 minute ago, mark clemson said:

Having some perspective on what's going on physiologically might help: You get "hooked" on the dopamine generated in your brain by togetherness. When he pulls back, your dopamine levels go down, so you get "needy" and seek to boost it back up again, by seeking him.

Possibly you're the type of person for whom finding a new temporary partner might help with that aspect, so that's something to consider. Just be honest that it's not a LTR you're looking for. You might also consider therapy to help you learn to be "more content on your own" etc.

Yes! I think this is it, because I have thought, if I could just find another guy to have a connection with, not serious, that I would get over this one. SO maybe you're right, maybe it isnt him at all. 

[mark clemson]

Well, it's him and not him. Love (or whatever you wish to call your feelings) is as much in one's own brain as in the actual other person - two components IMO...