Breaking up and putting him on a pedestal

[HurtingGirl1979]

I met someone in November last year and he totally love bombed me. I wasn’t sure about him at first, but after a short time, I fell for him. He told me that he loved me very early on and that he wanted to relocate and move in with me. I saw so many red flags but I made the conscious decision to take the risk - love truly can be blinding. If a friend had told me that their boyfriend was telling them that he loved her after only a few weeks and making and to live with her, I would’ve told her to run a mile! 
So he moved in, and after a short amount of time, he was not the person I met. 
He didn’t have a job, and his efforts to get one were poor. It transpired that he’d been living on the dole for decades and had just done some casual labour jobs here and there. He hadn’t been living in a proper home, just a small camper van which was stuck on some land. He didn’t seem to unhappy with this arrangement - I think he was one of those people that looked down on ‘normal’ people who work hard and pay rent. 
Over the weeks, he withdrew from me, stopped kissing me (although always wanted sex), stopped telling me that he loved me. He claimed that he was feeling ill all the time - he wasn’t lying - but I think it was depression and anxiety that were causing physical illness. After a few conversations about whether he should leave, he eventually did. We didn’t end the relationship there and then, but I knew it was over. 
After a few days I ended it - he was sending the odd text and called me for a few minutes, but they were breadcrumbs. 
The bit I’m struggling with is how abandoned and hurt I feel. Even though my head knows I’ve dodged a bullet, I still remember how loving, kind and warm he was in the beginning, and how good he made me feel. 
I sent the odd text every few weeks to see how he was, but he was very cold in his replies and said that he wasn’t ready to be in touch. I know this is a fob off. 
I’ve been NC for 24 days and have no desire to contact him again, but I am worried with how desperate I am for him to be in touch with me. I am seeking validation from a man who isn’t going to give it to me. I can’t bear it that he has put me out of his mind and carried on with his old life. 
I’ve started jogging again, doing lots of yoga, booking holidays and I am moving house soon for a new job, but what has happened is still dragging me down and I just can’t seem to release it. 
Does anyone have any advice or is it just time?

[d0nnivain]

Time & keep listening to your head. 

Yours is a tale that reinforces why it's important to date somebody for at least 1 year & get to know them before you try living together. 

You will be OK.  Keep jogging & doing  your yoga. 

[stillafool]

Yeah it just takes time.  Get extra busy.  Remember, what happened is for the best for you.  Start looking at other men to date.

[Ruby Slippers]

Try to get happy and excited about something else. I broke up with someone 6 weeks ago, and am now beginning to throw myself back into the things I love. I've been tending and growing my cute houseplant garden, making homemade juice blends for good health, getting back to my workout routine, just moved my keyboard/piano into the living room so I'm inspired to play more, cooking, and just signed up to volunteer online tutoring/mentoring homeless/disadvantaged kids. I'm dreaming about other things I want to do, like learn to fire dance, and take myself or myself and a friend on a tropical beach vacation once the C-bug has died down. I've finally figured out how to have a good time in life no matter what, and it's awesome!

Edited July 24, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[HurtingGirl1979]

3 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Try to get happy and excited about something else. I broke up with someone 6 weeks ago, and am now beginning to throw myself back into the things I love. I've been tending and growing my cute houseplant garden, making homemade juice blends for good health, getting back to my workout routine, just moved my keyboard/piano into the living room so I'm inspired to play more, cooking, and just signed up to volunteer online tutoring/mentoring homeless/disadvantaged kids. I'm dreaming about other things I want to do, like learn to fire dance, and take myself or myself and a friend on a tropical beach vacation once the C-bug has died down. I've finally figured out how to have a good time in life no matter what, and it's awesome!

Thanks so much for taking the time to write this. Well done for creating your new life! When I’m busy doing things and distracted it’s like a huge weight has been lifted, but when things slow down (which they are tending to do due to lockdown), I start ruminating and thinking about him, what he’s doing and what he must be thinking (or not thinking!) to not have been in touch. It upsets me so much, as I know when I have cut ex’s out of my life, it’s because I have felt completely indifferent to them and don’t want them in my life anymore. To come to terms with this is how he’s feeling is painful. 

[Ruby Slippers]

Try meditation, either your own silent meditation or guided meditation - lots of free videos on YouTube. I've gotten back to meditating lately, and even 10 minutes a day does wonders for a peaceful, content state of mind. It just clears out all the clutter in your mind and creates a sense of space and lightness.

[Ruby Slippers]

Also, browse breakup/self-empowerment/etc. quotes on Pinterest. I've found so many good ones lately. Examples:

Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form. (Rumi)

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. (also Rumi)

Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself? (Tao Te Ching)

[HurtingGirl1979]

12 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Also, browse breakup/self-empowerment/etc. quotes on Pinterest. I've found so many good ones lately. Examples:

Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form. (Rumi)

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. (also Rumi)

Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself? (Tao Te Ching)

Wonderful, thank you so much. I’m so glad I posted on here - amazing support!

[ShyViolet]

In your head you know that this guy was no good for you, and this relationship was not going to work.  Good for you.  Still, it's normal to feel a sense of loss when a relationship ends.  You're human.  Allow yourself to feel your feelings.  Don't tell yourself that you "shouldn't feel this way."  Go through it.  It will fade with time.  Whatever you do,  just don't contact him.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, HurtingGirl1979 said:

 He told me that he loved me very early on and that he wanted to relocate and move in with me.

I saw so many red flags but I made the conscious decision to take the risk
So he moved in, and after a short amount of time, he was not the person I met. 

He didn’t have a job, and his efforts to get one were poor. It transpired that he’d been living on the dole for decades and had just done some casual labour jobs here and there.

He hadn’t been living in a proper home, just a small camper van which was stuck on some land. He didn’t seem to unhappy with this arrangement - I think he was one of those people that looked down on ‘normal’ people who work hard and pay rent. 

Sorry to hear this. You dodged a bullet and your instincts are good that you noticed these red flags. He seems like a vagabond looking for the best handout who dresses himself up as a individualist rebel and scorns the very people he mooches off of.

Edited July 24, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Uptown182]

The way you are feeling is normal, it’s only been a bit over 3 weeks of NC which isn’t very long.  For me the most therapeutic thing has been being around people who make you laugh and feel good about yourself.  
 

As others have said allow yourself to feel your feelings and don’t be ashamed of it.  I’m almost 4 months out of a breakup and sometimes when my mind goes there I start to feel guilty for feeling the way I do and have to remind myself that it’s normal.  Just because you know someone isn’t good for you doesn’t mean it’s easy to get over them.

[HurtingGirl1979]

1 hour ago, Uptown182 said:

The way you are feeling is normal, it’s only been a bit over 3 weeks of NC which isn’t very long.  For me the most therapeutic thing has been being around people who make you laugh and feel good about yourself.  
 

As others have said allow yourself to feel your feelings and don’t be ashamed of it.  I’m almost 4 months out of a breakup and sometimes when my mind goes there I start to feel guilty for feeling the way I do and have to remind myself that it’s normal.  Just because you know someone isn’t good for you doesn’t mean it’s easy to get over them.

Thanks very much for this. I am battling my feelings as I thought I was through the worst, but now it’s hit me again like a tidal wave. Guilt for having these obsessive feelings on top of the heartbreak is horrendous! You feel like you should be over it, especially when your head has such clarity, but the heart is taking a while to catch up. 

[HurtingGirl1979]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. You dodged a bullet and your instincts are good that you noticed these red flags. He seems like a vagabond looking for the best handout who dresses himself up as a individualist rebel and scorns the very people he mooches off of.

I loved you referring to him as a vagabond! Indeed, he disguises himself well. The worse thing is, I feel like I wasn’t good enough for him, even though I’ve got a fantastic job, stable income and home etc. I feel like because I had those things, I was ‘boring’. He never said this, but I could tell when the novelty of him being with me wore off, he was bored with my straightforwardness. Everyone from the outside can see it all so clearly, but my heart seems to have jumbled up my brain! 

[HurtingGirl1979]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

In your head you know that this guy was no good for you, and this relationship was not going to work.  Good for you.  Still, it's normal to feel a sense of loss when a relationship ends.  You're human.  Allow yourself to feel your feelings.  Don't tell yourself that you "shouldn't feel this way."  Go through it.  It will fade with time.  Whatever you do,  just don't contact him.

Thank you for your valuable input. Because I see myself as very level headed, I am giving myself a hard time for pining for someone who was emotionally unstable and who couldn’t be of any support to me. It just doesn’t make sense why I can’t shrug it off! But he gave me a glimpse of what I truly want, but he  ruined my fantasy of a wonderful relationship. 

[HurtingGirl1979]

One of the best things I’m finding about being on here is reading everybody else’s stories. It’s helped me to truly accept that what I’m feeling is totally normal. I’ve been battling my feelings and trying to feel better as quickly as I can, but I need to have more compassion and patience with myself. The fact that I picture him getting on with his life and not giving me a second thought whilst I struggle to come to terms with it all, makes it a lot worse.  
Even though I knew my ex wasn’t going to be good for me long term, it still doesn’t help the pain and hurt I am feeling of the way he withdrew from me, left me, and then treated me so badly that it forced me to break up with him. I only broke up with him because I felt like he was going to do a slow fade out because he didn’t haven’t the courage to actually tell me it was over. 
I am looking carefully at my behaviour and actions during the relationship so I can learn from it. When I noticed him withdrawing from me, I didn’t say anything as I didn’t have the courage to ask him if he still had feelings for me, as I was terrified of the answer. If he’d said he didn’t have feelings for me anymore, I would have had to have ended it and I didn’t want to be left, especially during the height of the pandemic. 
I also did everything for him: all the shopping (and paid for it), cooking, washing, cleaning. He did nothing. I shouldn’t have been OK with that, but that’s part of me wanting to feel loved and that it might be a guarantee he wouldn’t leave me. Now I know that’s not the case. I feel like it was perhaps (even subconsciously) a turn off for him to see that I would do anything for him, no matter what. 
I carried on pleasing him sexually in the hope it would mean he wouldn’t leave, despite feeling that he wasn’t into me anymore. 
It wasn’t all bad, there were small bits of affection and he never verbally put me down and we didn’t argue. He did want to cuddle and hold me every evening and morning so there was a small amount of physical affection, outside of the sex. 
I know now that he left me because of his emotional unavailability (he’s 53 and never been in a serious long term relationship). Emotionally healthy men in their 50’s don’t love bomb partners and insist they move in after 4 months. They don’t withdraw and leave you second guessing as to how they’re feeling and what they’re thinking. But I need to take responsibility that I allowed this all to happen and chose to ignore the red flags because I was so desperate to be loved and in a relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

Emotionally healthy 50 yo men don't mooch and live in campers marginally employed

[HurtingGirl1979]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Emotionally healthy 50 yo men don't mooch and live in campers marginally employed

I really love your insights - honest, concise and so truthful! And they make me smile!

[HurtingGirl1979]

I spent a lot of time on this forum yesterday reading people’s stories on various threads and taking on board peoples comments on my thread, and it has really helped and supported me, so thank you to everyone for sharing their experiences and for commenting on mine. 
I had a bit of a revelation yesterday and I’m going to try to turn some thoughts around that I’ve had in my head, particularly in relation to 2nd guessing what’s he’s thinking and how he’s coping.
I’ve chosen to sink into a story line that I am the victim in all of this, because he thinks I’m weak and pathetic, because he walked out on me, and that he doesn’t want anything to do with me now because I was too much of a doormat. But that story line could be totally and utterly wrong. Perhaps because of how he treated me in the relationship, that’s the storyline I naturally choose.
I don’t know how he’s feeling and it could actually be the complete opposite. I will never know. 
I recognised early on that he had low self esteem, and he started to withdraw from me when he wouldn’t get a job. He’s been unemployed for decades, but made big talks of how he was going to get a job when he moved in with me, but his attempts were pathetic. He didn’t apply for anything, and just went into one store with a crumpled up CV that I had printed out for him. I think he thought that moving in with me would turn his life around and he’d make positive changes, but he just didn’t have it in him. 
After a while, although he kept talking about moving back home (on the other side of the country), I need to remind myself that I made the positive action of telling him that I would be moving out for a while to go and live with my family and I wasn’t going to put up with him changing his mind all of the time about whether he was going to stay or leave. I need to remind myself that I took the step of ending it with him (admittedly because he was barely communicating with me), but I didn’t cling on and put up with his ambivalent and confusing behaviour anymore. 
He said he was really ill when he left, and I do think it was anxiety and depression, although he made out it was something physical - but he was unable to communicate it with me, never mind realising it for himself. He had been desperate to leave his home town as he hated it there and said he didn’t really like his friends. He’d had a small leaving party before he left to come and move in with me, and then he had to go back and face everyone, only 2.5 months later.
He’s left someone who would have supported and helped him through everything I possibly could, and he turned his back on it. He was the one who was adamant that he was going to move in with me (after 3.5 months together!) and create an amazing life for himself - it totally failed. 
I’m starting a new life in a month with a great job, living in a fantastic city, and he’s still stuck in his broken camper van with no toilet or shower. He’s still unemployed and making bits of art for no money. He’s stuck, while I move forward in my life. 
Although it’s still so painful how badly I was treated and I’m really struggling with him not reaching out to me, acknowledging my existence and/or everything I did for him (paying for and doing all the food shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, no help with bills or rent), I am going to try really hard to hold my head  up high and remember that I got myself out of the situation and try to start looking forward to the future. 

[Wiseman2]

He chose his life and you chose yours. There's no victims. You can move on to someone else who is more appropriate. He can find the next sugar mama who has a working toilet and ply his loser-dressed-as-hippie BS . Think of him as a tick or tapeworm looking for the next free meal.

Edited July 26, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Beachead]

@HurtingGirl1979

What you're currently going through is very normal and is just a combination of anxiety and involuntary physiological processes. 

You're just shy of one month of not talking to him.  I know how hard it is to not talk to the person, when its this early on.  Just know, things are still fresh for you.  Takes time to let go of a person.  There is no time-frame or limit, on the process.  It all depends on how much the relationship meant to you and how you manage yourself in the recovery process.  You spent a significant amount of time with this guy and got used to him and his ways.   Your mind programmed itself into a routine of being with him but your circumstances changed, as you two broke up, and now there is a disconnect between what your mind's program and reality.   That's part of the reason why you may feel like you can't stop thinking about him and you feel like you want to contact him and get back together, even though the relationship wasn't ideal and it ended for a reason.   It's an involuntary feeling that can only heal as the months pass on.  You may also feel restless at night and tired during the day.  No appetite.  Unmotivated etc.   It's all normal.  Do not try to force your healing/grieving..do not rush it.  

The second reason its tough to let go because, of what this relationship and this person represented and meant to you (Which is intrinsic to your needs, rooted in your trauma, past and general life).  They may represent companionship.  Loyalty.  Love.  A chance not to be alone or single anymore.  Perhaps, the introduction of them into your family and friends. Trips together.  Starting a family.  Etc.  When things ended, you didn't have to just let go of him, you had to let go of those ideas, so you're just grieving him, you're grieving that as well.   In your pain and vulnerability, anxiety arrives and does what it does best..which is play on our fears, that you may never find what you had with this guy again. This is the other half of what drives you back to him.  It's not so much that you miss him, as it is you miss who you wanted him to be.   Who he actually was along with his lifestyle, was something you didn't like.  So the key to getting through this tough initial period of grief, lies in reminding yourself of the reality of your relationship.  Things weren't all that good with him, which is why you ended it.  At that point when you did, you knew that. 

3 other important points.

 1. Don't give up on yourself.  Don't let your job performance slip.   Eat well.  Try to sleep.  Get exercise.  Chnage up the routine you had with him, by adding a new hobby or activity into your life, and maybe taking away old ones.  A new routine will dissociate from him.  But, don't busy yourself to the point where you have zero downtime or alone time.  Do not try to bury or run from your pain.   That also means, don't dive into dating right now..you'll only be using people as a means of emotional escape and after sometime, you'll feel empty again, because you coped poorly.  If you're with someone at that point, you won't be at an emotional capacity to treat them well, because not only would you be dealing with your feelings for your ex, but the feelings and the circumstance you now got yourself into, with the new guy, which you may feel uncertain about.  You'll end up hurting the person you're dating, which may make you feel worse.    So,  you need the downtime and the alone time, to let your thoughts flow, even if it means your mind may trail towards him and the relationship and feel the pain again.   When you feel it, you will process it, and then you will heal from it..which brings me to my next point.

2. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel, freely.  Shamelessly.  Be okay with it.  You went through a breakup.  It hurts.   Document it in a journal or in posts here.  Let it all out as often as you need.  When you start seeing what you're feeling, you become aware of it. You notice patterns like your most dominant thoughts.  Your fears.  Where your thinking needs to change.   You process it, and you eventually stop letting your emotions/feelings/thoughts drive you, and you take over the wheel. You start searching for strategies on how to cope and heal from it.  Eventually when time passes on and the anxiety goes down, and you've gotten it all out,  things will begin to feel repetitive and stale and you'll get to a point where you yourself, will know its time to move forward.  If you document the whole thing, including all the strategies you used to heal, you now have knowledge about yourself and how you heal from breakups and how to deal with it, going forward.

3.  Make sure you get him off your social media.  Box all his things.  Remove his number from your phone.  Pictures from your phone.   You don't need to get rid of anything just yet.  Just out of your sight.  All of that will only trigger anxiety and make the whole process more difficult than it needs to be.  Having said that, I've unblocked my ex on social media just because I needed to remind myself, why I stay away.  Sometimes that's needed as well.  

 I've been through 3 breakups.  I was  dumped in the first and I had to break up with the last ex.  All 3 of them meant a lot to me.  Losing them was devastating.  I got through all of it without using dating to cope and I've done so, using these techniques. 

Give yourself time.  It'll get better.

- Beach

Edited July 27, 2020 by Beachead

[HurtingGirl1979]

1 hour ago, Beachead said:

@HurtingGirl1979

What you're currently going through is very normal and is just a combination of anxiety and involuntary physiological processes. 

You're just shy of one month of not talking to him.  I know how hard it is to not talk to the person, when its this early on.  Just know, things are still fresh for you.  Takes time to let go of a person.  There is no time-frame or limit, on the process.  It all depends on how much the relationship meant to you and how you manage yourself in the recovery process.  You spent a significant amount of time with this guy and got used to him and his ways.   Your mind programmed itself into a routine of being with him but your circumstances changed, as you two broke up, and now there is a disconnect between what your mind's program and reality.   That's part of the reason why you may feel like you can't stop thinking about him and you feel like you want to contact him and get back together, even though the relationship wasn't ideal and it ended for a reason.   It's an involuntary feeling that can only heal as the months pass on.  You may also feel restless at night and tired during the day.  No appetite.  Unmotivated etc.   It's all normal.  Do not try to force your healing/grieving..do not rush it.  

The second reason its tough to let go because, of what this relationship and this person represented and meant to you (Which is intrinsic to your needs, rooted in your trauma, past and general life).  They may represent companionship.  Loyalty.  Love.  A chance not to be alone or single anymore.  Perhaps, the introduction of them into your family and friends. Trips together.  Starting a family.  Etc.  When things ended, you didn't have to just let go of him, you had to let go of those ideas, so you're just grieving him, you're grieving that as well.   In your pain and vulnerability, anxiety arrives and does what it does best..which is play on our fears, that you may never find what you had with this guy again. This is the other half of what drives you back to him.  It's not so much that you miss him, as it is you miss who you wanted him to be.   Who he actually was along with his lifestyle, was something you didn't like.  So the key to getting through this tough initial period of grief, lies in reminding yourself of the reality of your relationship.  Things weren't all that good with him, which is why you ended it.  At that point when you did, you knew that. 

3 other important points.

 1. Don't give up on yourself.  Don't let your job performance slip.   Eat well.  Try to sleep.  Get exercise.  Chnage up the routine you had with him, by adding a new hobby or activity into your life, and maybe taking away old ones.  A new routine will dissociate from him.  But, don't busy yourself to the point where you have zero downtime or alone time.  Do not try to bury or run from your pain.   That also means, don't dive into dating right now..you'll only be using people as a means of emotional escape and after sometime, you'll feel empty again, because you coped poorly.  If you're with someone at that point, you won't be at an emotional capacity to treat them well, because not only would you be dealing with your feelings for your ex, but the feelings and the circumstance you now got yourself into, with the new guy, which you may feel uncertain about.  You'll end up hurting the person you're dating, which may make you feel worse.    So,  you need the downtime and the alone time, to let your thoughts flow, even if it means your mind may trail towards him and the relationship and feel the pain again.   When you feel it, you will process it, and then you will heal from it..which brings me to my next point.

2. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel, freely.  Shamelessly.  Be okay with it.  You went through a breakup.  It hurts.   Document it in a journal or in posts here.  Let it all out as often as you need.  When you start seeing what you're feeling, you become aware of it. You notice patterns like your most dominant thoughts.  Your fears.  Where your thinking needs to change.   You process it, and you eventually stop letting your emotions/feelings/thoughts drive you, and you take over the wheel. You start searching for strategies on how to cope and heal from it.  Eventually when time passes on and the anxiety goes down, and you've gotten it all out,  things will begin to feel repetitive and stale and you'll get to a point where you yourself, will know its time to move forward.  If you document the whole thing, including all the strategies you used to heal, you now have knowledge about yourself and how you heal from breakups and how to deal with it, going forward.

3.  Make sure you get him off your social media.  Box all his things.  Remove his number from your phone.  Pictures from your phone.   You don't need to get rid of anything just yet.  Just out of your sight.  All of that will only trigger anxiety and make the whole process more difficult than it needs to be.  Having said that, I've unblocked my ex on social media just because I needed to remind myself, why I stay away.  Sometimes that's needed as well.  

 I've been through 3 breakups.  I was  dumped in the first and I had to break up with the last ex.  All 3 of them meant a lot to me.  Losing them was devastating.  I got through all of it without using dating to cope and I've done so, using these techniques. 

Give yourself time.  It'll get better.

- Beach

Wow, I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to reach out to me. I logged on here as I’m struggling this evening, and then read this. All of it is true, but some of it is unbearably truthful! Your comments on anxiety driving me back to ‘wanting’ him, how much I just loved being in the relationship at the start and what it represented and healed from my past. So many of these difficult feelings surround loss and abandonment and being scared about the future. 
Because of the pandemic, I’ve been staying away with family for a few months, and haven’t been in the apartment that we lived in together since May. When he left, I left a few days later. I will be going back to the apartment soon to pack up and move to the city. As soon as he left, I threw absolutely everything away that belonged to him or reminded me of him, so luckily I won’t be going back to much that reminds me of him, just the actual apartment. 
What I do know is that there will likely be mail for him. There were a couple of bits of post for him when he left and I asked him what to do and he asked me to forward to him, but I was so emotionally unstable, upset and angry when he walked out, I just binned them. Now I’m wondering what I’ll do with them when I return in a few weeks time. To be truthfully honest, I’m fantasising about sending them on and writing him a letter, but I guess this is breaking NC. I’m not sure what I’d say - perhaps just get everything out about how I feel and hope that it’s cathartic. I think if I dig deep, I know deep down that I should post them with no note, just his mail. Anyway, this isn’t for another 3 weeks, so hopefully I’ll be even further on in the process and have greater clarity. 

Edited July 27, 2020 by HurtingGirl1979

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

When my Grandpa used to say to me "IDLE HANDS, DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND" and he would stomp around and get like really angry to the point where most of the kids didn't feel safe... At an older age, I understand now... If you are not busy, you are going to lose focus on what is important.

It sounds like you have simply lost focus OP; when we lose focus, we tend to try to fall back into a comfortable place and go on auto-pilot, sounds like this is what you want to do... Many make the mistake, just keep moving.

[HurtingGirl1979]

3 minutes ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

When my Grandpa used to say to me "IDLE HANDS, DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND" and he would stomp around and get like really angry to the point where most of the kids didn't feel safe... At an older age, I understand now... If you are not busy, you are going to lose focus on what is important.

It sounds like you have simply lost focus OP; when we lose focus, we tend to try to fall back into a comfortable place and go on auto-pilot, sounds like this is what you want to do... Many make the mistake, just keep moving.

Thanks! It’s tricky at the moment as I’m off work, but I’m doing my best to be busy during lockdown! But it’s impossible to fill every second of the day BUT in a couple of weeks time I have friends visiting, I’m moving to a new city and starting the most challenging job of my career to date which will fill every brain cell I have! I know that the only way is up! 

[Beachead]

1 hour ago, HurtingGirl1979 said:

Wow, I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to reach out to me. I logged on here as I’m struggling this evening, and then read this. All of it is true, but some of it is unbearably truthful! Your comments on anxiety driving me back to ‘wanting’ him, how much I just loved being in the relationship at the start and what it represented and healed from my past. So many of these difficult feelings surround loss and abandonment and being scared about the future. 
 

I know.   Those are the things you need to draw upon.   I'd recommend either sharing it here or PM'ing me or someone you feel comfortable with talking to, if you don't want to put it out to the public.

Also, talking to a life coach or a therapist (A right one that fits you) helps.  Taking care of your health helps.  And as I mentioned above, writing.  There is a lot you can do with writing and if you need some tips on some exercises, I'll provide that.

Quote

What I do know is that there will likely be mail for him. There were a couple of bits of post for him when he left and I asked him what to do and he asked me to forward to him, but I was so emotionally unstable, upset and angry when he walked out, I just binned them. Now I’m wondering what I’ll do with them when I return in a few weeks time. To be truthfully honest, I’m fantasising about sending them on and writing him a letter, but I guess this is breaking NC. I’m not sure what I’d say - perhaps just get everything out about how I feel and hope that it’s cathartic. I think if I dig deep, I know deep down that I should post them with no note, just his mail. Anyway, this isn’t for another 3 weeks, so hopefully I’ll be even further on in the process and have greater clarity. 

3 weeks is something but again, don't rush yourself with hopes or expectations for where you'll be on an emotional level.  Healing takes time.   What I can say is, in this stage of it, you have to consider yourself like a drug addict hooked on Ex-boyfriend.  You've cut it off, and now you're going through those withdrawal symptoms in the form of your fears and insecurities.  So, to quiet all that anxiety..all the symptoms..you'll do anything you can, to get back to your drug because in your mind, he'll take it away.  He'll make it all better.  Only he won't, and you'll quickly realize it'll be a mistake, and you'll feel worse for it.  

Regarding the mail, you can send it to him, but know that, he may respond and message you, or contact you, and it will impact you..especially while you're vulnerable an trying to heal.  Be careful.

- Beach

 

 

Edited July 27, 2020 by Beachead

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, HurtingGirl1979 said:

What I do know is that there will likely be mail for him. There were a couple of bits of post for him when he left and I asked him what to do and he asked me to forward to him

Is it illegal in your country to tamper with mail? Just forward it. Be firm and unemotional. You got scammed by this king-of-the-road moocher and understandably are angry. Try to quietly reflect if that anger is at him  or yourself? In any case gather your wits and don't react emotionally.