Breaking up and putting him on a pedestal

[HurtingGirl1979]

 

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is it illegal in your country to tamper with mail? Just forward it. Be firm and unemotional. You got scammed by this king-of-the-road moocher and understandably are angry. Try to quietly reflect if that anger is at him  or yourself? In any case gather your wits and don't react emotionally.

Yes it is illegal. I won’t dump it like the last lot and I’ll forward it. Obviously it has to be forwarded to a friend of his as he doesn’t have an address. Good question about the anger with him / myself. I am angry that I ignored red flags (no job or proper home), I am angry that I gave into his insistence that he moved in so early on, that I didn’t have the courage to talk to him openly about how he was feeling when he started to withdraw - I was too scared of the answer. I’m angry that I did so much for him whilst knowing deep down there was no balance in the relationship. I am still angry with myself that I feel so much love for someone like this. One for me to definitely reflect upon. Thank you. 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, HurtingGirl1979 said:

 

 I am angry that I ignored red flags (no job or proper home)

 Google "Homeless Joe". Yes there are guys who hustle women for a place to stay. He's a slick operator and does this all the time.  This is how people like this operate. They use unsuspecting normal people who they can scam. You were just thinking normally that this is someone you're dating.

His weirdness is something he knows to keep hidden. This is not his first rodeo buttering up friends, family gfs etc to mooch. People who know him well family are probably onto his mooching . That's why he has to romance new women unaware of his leanings..

Edited July 27, 2020 by Wiseman2

[HurtingGirl1979]

17 minutes ago, Beachead said:

I know.   Those are the things you need to draw upon.   I'd recommend either sharing it here or PM'ing me or someone you feel comfortable with talking to, if you don't want to put it out to the public.

Also, talking to a life coach or a therapist (A right one that fits you) helps.  Taking care of your health helps.  And as I mentioned above, writing.  There is a lot you can do with writing and if you need some tips on some exercises, I'll provide that.

3 weeks is something but again, don't rush yourself with hopes or expectations for where you'll be on an emotional level.  Healing takes time.   What I can say is, in this stage of it, you have to consider yourself like a drug addict hooked on Ex-boyfriend.  You've cut it off, and now you're going through those withdrawal symptoms in the form of your fears and insecurities.  So, to quiet all that anxiety..all the symptoms..you'll do anything you can, to get back to your drug because in your mind, he'll take it away.  He'll make it all better.  Only he won't, and you'll quickly realize it'll be a mistake, and you'll feel worse for it.  

Regarding the mail, you can send it to him, but know that, he may respond and message you, or contact you, and it will impact you..especially while you're vulnerable an trying to heal.  Be careful.

- Beach

 

 

Thank you so much. I am definitely in addiction at the moment. When we first split up I messaged him every 2-3 weeks and I’d feel so soothed (despite the cold responses) and feel ready to move on. But then the pain and addiction would creep back in. I am now at this 3-4 week stage now and thoroughly determined to ride it out and not soothe myself with contacting him. I wholly recognise that I need to break the cycle.

I was in therapy 3 years ago, and now I’m moving back to the city I used to live in, I am considering going back to her again as she was fantastic. I feel like I’m a quite together person and generally have a really good optimistic and positive outlook, until it comes to men/relationships, where my self esteem seems to drop to rock bottom. There’s certainly so much more work to me done. 
 

I’d be really interested to know more about the writing exercises you mention? 
 

Thank you again for your reply. I really appreciate it. 

[HurtingGirl1979]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Google "Homeless Joe". Yes there are guys who hustle women for a place to stay. He's a slick operator and does this all the time.  This is how people like this operate. They use unsuspecting normal people who they can scam. You were just thinking normally that this is someone you're dating.

His weirdness is something he knows to keep hidden. This is not his first rodeo buttering up friends, family gfs etc to mooch. People who know him well family are probably onto his mooching . That's why he has to romance new women unaware of his leanings..

Hahaha I just googled it, made me smile. I promise I’m not defending him but I know for a fact that he hasn’t left his home town for many, many years and it has quite a hippy community there, so the way he is living might not be so unusual. He lives off of the government and when he moved in with me, there was a chance that those payment were going to stop and he went into complete panic - that was the first time he nearly bolted (he eventually managed to get the payments). I honestly think he thought he might change his ways when he moved in with me and make a fresh start and get a job, but he’s lazy and he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. Two things I do feel though is that his desperation to leave in order to move in with me was incredibly suspicious and one that I will never know the background to. The other is that I know that I just didn’t have the full story of things that had happened in his life. He was very healthy and repelled by drugs and alcohol and he kept very fit, but I just felt there may have once been a gambling issue or mental health issues i.e depression, anxiety. Anyway, I’m completely guessing, I’ll never know and it’s over now so not a lot of point in trying to figure it out! 

[HurtingGirl1979]

I’ve felt a bit better today, have been for a walk to the beach, visited family and I’m reading a couple of great books (not both directly to heartbreak!). Having a bit of a dip this evening. @Wiseman2 your comments yesterday about how he has very likely mooched of others before (Friends, family, gf’s) has really helped. Although I am unclear of the real truth and I am still certain that aspects of his initial feelings for me were as genuine as he could possibly manage in the moment, your candid insight has made me see that I got involved with someone who is quite complex with lots of hidden problems and perhaps agendas. 
Although I am still reeling from the loss and hurt of how things worked out, the realisation that he is quite an unsavoury character is now helping me focus more on me than him. I’m realising that he won’t be in touch so there’s no point in longing for it. There’s no chance of a reconciliation, apology or explanation because he has behaved like this for his entire life. 

[Beachead]

@HurtingGirl1979

22 hours ago, HurtingGirl1979 said:

I’d be really interested to know more about the writing exercises you mention? 

These were the 4 I practiced.  I still practice Number 4 and occasion 1 if needed.

1. Initially, focus your writing towards freely expressing your emotions and your feelings without restriction.  It doesn't matter how unreasonable, insane, or embarrassing you may think it is, it's what you feel and it needs to get out.  Do this everytime you feel low.   After some time (Maybe a few months) of doing this over an over again, you'll feel like you have nothing else to write about regarding him because it's just the same old.  At this point, you may begin to feel tired of complaining and this desire to want to move forward for yourself, will begin.

Concurrently with this exercise, do the following:

2. Negatively reinforce all the negatives about this guy and the relationship.  All the events and conversations you two had which led to you deciding it was best to breakup.  What were you feeling in these moments? 

3. Focus your thoughts on 2 things you are grateful for/look forward to in your day to day.  They can be simple as a morning coffee.  A shower.  You can make it 3 or 4 things but I prefer to keep it at 2.  It forces you to really think about it and get specific.   This will help maintain some perspective when you hit your lows, that all is not lost and there are some things that you do look forward to and/or find joy in it.  Good feelings, good associations..represents hope.  If you can feel good about something right now at your lowest, it can only get easier, considering you will slowly heal as time passes and you continue to live your life.

Once enough time as passed on and you are at a point where you are tired of repeating yourself, and this desire to move forward starts to arise:

4.  Begin focusing your writing onto future.  What do you want?  What do you need?   What is it that you want to accomplish out of your life?  How do you get there?  What goals do you need to set?   Arrange the plan through long-term (10+ years up to old age), intermediate-term (5-10 years) and short-term goals (Day to day, 1 month, 6 month).  Really make sure you paint a clear picture that's specific, to what you want.  Where do you envision yourself living? How will your home look?  What colours?   Will you have a pet?  What kind?  Where will you be in your career?  What kind of money do you plan to make?  What kind of people do you want to be working with?  Etc. 

With this exercise, you don't want to general, vague goals.  You want specific ones.  The more specific the better.  Really paint a picture.

Do not make it about a partner or a person in-general a means to ultimate peace, fulfillment and happiness.   You will never truly reach that because your wounds are inside you.  Nobody can fix it but you. Your ability to be content, fulfilled and at peace with your life, has to come from things you build and accomplish from your own two hands.  With that, comes confidence and the realization of your potential.   And you realize you can accomplish things and you can find joy and peace from things you do on your own, without the love or approval of another.  That's when being with someone becomes a bonus, rather than a necessity, and you stop using them as a means to complete you.  

- Beach

 

Edited July 28, 2020 by Beachead

[HurtingGirl1979]

4 hours ago, Beachead said:

@HurtingGirl1979

These were the 4 I practiced.  I still practice Number 4 and occasion 1 if needed.

1. Initially, focus your writing towards freely expressing your emotions and your feelings without restriction.  It doesn't matter how unreasonable, insane, or embarrassing you may think it is, it's what you feel and it needs to get out.  Do this everytime you feel low.   After some time (Maybe a few months) of doing this over an over again, you'll feel like you have nothing else to write about regarding him because it's just the same old.  At this point, you may begin to feel tired of complaining and this desire to want to move forward for yourself, will begin.

Concurrently with this exercise, do the following:

2. Negatively reinforce all the negatives about this guy and the relationship.  All the events and conversations you two had which led to you deciding it was best to breakup.  What were you feeling in these moments? 

3. Focus your thoughts on 2 things you are grateful for/look forward to in your day to day.  They can be simple as a morning coffee.  A shower.  You can make it 3 or 4 things but I prefer to keep it at 2.  It forces you to really think about it and get specific.   This will help maintain some perspective when you hit your lows, that all is not lost and there are some things that you do look forward to and/or find joy in it.  Good feelings, good associations..represents hope.  If you can feel good about something right now at your lowest, it can only get easier, considering you will slowly heal as time passes and you continue to live your life.

Once enough time as passed on and you are at a point where you are tired of repeating yourself, and this desire to move forward starts to arise:

4.  Begin focusing your writing onto future.  What do you want?  What do you need?   What is it that you want to accomplish out of your life?  How do you get there?  What goals do you need to set?   Arrange the plan through long-term (10+ years up to old age), intermediate-term (5-10 years) and short-term goals (Day to day, 1 month, 6 month).  Really make sure you paint a clear picture that's specific, to what you want.  Where do you envision yourself living? How will your home look?  What colours?   Will you have a pet?  What kind?  Where will you be in your career?  What kind of money do you plan to make?  What kind of people do you want to be working with?  Etc. 

With this exercise, you don't want to general, vague goals.  You want specific ones.  The more specific the better.  Really paint a picture.

Do not make it about a partner or a person in-general a means to ultimate peace, fulfillment and happiness.   You will never truly reach that because your wounds are inside you.  Nobody can fix it but you. Your ability to be content, fulfilled and at peace with your life, has to come from things you build and accomplish from your own two hands.  With that, comes confidence and the realization of your potential.   And you realize you can accomplish things and you can find joy and peace from things you do on your own, without the love or approval of another.  That's when being with someone becomes a bonus, rather than a necessity, and you stop using them as a means to complete you.  

- Beach

 

Thank you @Beachead for taking the time to send me this. The kindness of strangers in these vulnerable and tricky times gives me hope again! I will give all of the points above a thorough go and see where it leads. 🙏

[Beachead]

@HurtingGirl1979

Np.   Just remember, it'll take time.  Healing will be up and down on a daily basis, but after some time, when you look back and  you average those ups and downs out..you'll see progress.  Mood fluctuations will become less frequent.  More good days.  Less bad days and those bad days will be decrease in emotional intensity as well.  Better nights slept.  You'll catch yourself smiling and laughing again.  One day, you'll bump into someone who'll catch your eye, and suddenly you'll realize you're good to date again.  But for now, let it be. 

Because you did the breaking up and you knew why you wanted to end it, the work you need to put in is just a matter of reminding yourself of the reasons for the breakup and reinforcing the reality of the situation.  Regarding your past traumas, that'll require more self-reflection; asking yourself the right questions.  These writing exercises should help with that part as well.  In fact, #3 and 4 should continue long after you get better, simply because their application is beyond relationships and more for your general well-being.  Keep working on them regularly.

Stay strong

- Beach  

 

Edited July 30, 2020 by Beachead

[HurtingGirl1979]

11 hours ago, Beachead said:

@HurtingGirl1979

Np.   Just remember, it'll take time.  Healing will be up and down on a daily basis, but after some time, when you look back and  you average those ups and downs out..you'll see progress.  Mood fluctuations will become less frequent.  More good days.  Less bad days and those bad days will be decrease in emotional intensity as well.  Better nights slept.  You'll catch yourself smiling and laughing again.  One day, you'll bump into someone who'll catch your eye, and suddenly you'll realize you're good to date again.  But for now, let it be. 

Because you did the breaking up and you knew why you wanted to end it, the work you need to put in is just a matter of reminding yourself of the reasons for the breakup and reinforcing the reality of the situation.  Regarding your past traumas, that'll require more self-reflection; asking yourself the right questions.  These writing exercises should help with that part as well.  In fact, #3 and 4 should continue long after you get better, simply because their application is beyond relationships and more for your general well-being.  Keep working on them regularly.

Stay strong

- Beach  

 

Thanks for the motivate and inspiration @Beachead.

It’s day 30 of NC today. Typical pattern of the day, totally fine and happy in the morning, not so good in the afternoon, and then I seem to pick up again in the evening. When I’m having the afternoon dip, the usual rumination of pointless thoughts occur which I want to vent on here: thinking about what he’s doing with his time, if he’s now got together with a ‘friend’ that seemed to be a feature in his life who I was never quite sure about, if he’s going to message me, if he’s deleted my number so that he can’t message me, whether I’ll bother forwarding his mail when I return to my flat, if he’ll contact me in months/years to come when he’s visiting the city I’m moving to (he has family there). Writing all of this rumination down here and reading it back makes me see that my struggles are not about wanting him back, it’s about feeling less hurt and abandoned by him and seeking validation. 
I’m enjoying the moments in the day of complete clarity when the fog lifts and I can see everything in perspective; that relationships do end because of incompatibility or because one person is struggling - both of these being the case in this situation. I’m excited about reaching a point where this clarity is always with me and the hurt and loss subsides for good. 

[Not So Sad Now]

On 7/26/2020 at 9:03 AM, HurtingGirl1979 said:

I spent a lot of time on this forum yesterday reading people’s stories on various threads and taking on board peoples comments on my thread, and it has really helped and supported me, so thank you to everyone for sharing their experiences and for commenting on mine. 
I had a bit of a revelation yesterday and I’m going to try to turn some thoughts around that I’ve had in my head, particularly in relation to 2nd guessing what’s he’s thinking and how he’s coping.
I’ve chosen to sink into a story line that I am the victim in all of this, because he thinks I’m weak and pathetic, because he walked out on me, and that he doesn’t want anything to do with me now because I was too much of a doormat. But that story line could be totally and utterly wrong. Perhaps because of how he treated me in the relationship, that’s the storyline I naturally choose.
I don’t know how he’s feeling and it could actually be the complete opposite. I will never know. 
I recognised early on that he had low self esteem, and he started to withdraw from me when he wouldn’t get a job. He’s been unemployed for decades, but made big talks of how he was going to get a job when he moved in with me, but his attempts were pathetic. He didn’t apply for anything, and just went into one store with a crumpled up CV that I had printed out for him. I think he thought that moving in with me would turn his life around and he’d make positive changes, but he just didn’t have it in him. 
After a while, although he kept talking about moving back home (on the other side of the country), I need to remind myself that I made the positive action of telling him that I would be moving out for a while to go and live with my family and I wasn’t going to put up with him changing his mind all of the time about whether he was going to stay or leave. I need to remind myself that I took the step of ending it with him (admittedly because he was barely communicating with me), but I didn’t cling on and put up with his ambivalent and confusing behaviour anymore. 
He said he was really ill when he left, and I do think it was anxiety and depression, although he made out it was something physical - but he was unable to communicate it with me, never mind realising it for himself. He had been desperate to leave his home town as he hated it there and said he didn’t really like his friends. He’d had a small leaving party before he left to come and move in with me, and then he had to go back and face everyone, only 2.5 months later.
He’s left someone who would have supported and helped him through everything I possibly could, and he turned his back on it. He was the one who was adamant that he was going to move in with me (after 3.5 months together!) and create an amazing life for himself - it totally failed. 
I’m starting a new life in a month with a great job, living in a fantastic city, and he’s still stuck in his broken camper van with no toilet or shower. He’s still unemployed and making bits of art for no money. He’s stuck, while I move forward in my life. 
Although it’s still so painful how badly I was treated and I’m really struggling with him not reaching out to me, acknowledging my existence and/or everything I did for him (paying for and doing all the food shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, no help with bills or rent), I am going to try really hard to hold my head  up high and remember that I got myself out of the situation and try to start looking forward to the future. 

You need more time, your feelings are normal and his behaviour is not, so it almost enhances your feelings by making you over-compensate for his lack of normal feelings/responses, if you see what I mean.  Its called a trauma bond - you accept bad behaviour and downgrade your standards so that your normal defence mechanisms are stifled, and so ironically you miss them more because the relationship has trained your response into a new normal (which isn't in any way normal at all but your mind is struggling to make sense of it all).

This man is unemployed and homeless.  And on top of that he isn't particularly affectionate and didn't fight for your relationship or to keep you in his life.  He is an utter nightmare.  He would only drain you and your resources if you hadn't ended it.  At 53, he is nobody's idea of a "catch".  I suspect there is more bad stuff about him that you don't know because his love bombing stage gave him the opportunity to present himself as your ideal man, mimicing what you wanted.  Which of course he couldn't keep up, because it was just an act.

I've been reading up on psychopaths in relationships since my ex cheated on me, dumped me and blocked me in quick succession.  Theres a lot of stuff out there on it which will probably resonate with you.  1 in 20 are supposed to be functioning psychopaths and only a minority are murderers, criminals, etc, - the rest are users and spongers who go from one target to another, dropping them coldly when they're finished with them.

My ex also jacked in his career for a business which doesn't make enough money to live on, but he isn't homeless because he inherited enough money to buy a nice flat along with 2 other flats to rent out.  Not holding down a proper job is characteristic of them.  So too is the "pity play" - they always have a hint of something vague wrong with them (vague hints at depression, I lost count of how many colds my ex had along with vague sore legs), all designed to make you feel they are an innocent, doing their best to struggle through life.  What its actually designed to do is to provide a cover story for their inadequacies and to hide their "under-performance" in relationship terms.  There rarely is anything wrong with them, other than a vague sense that their souls are empty.  The sponging off other people (you provided him with a home) is key as well though mine didn't actually do that to me.  Cheating and going from one "target" relationship to another while switching off feelings and cutting off contact is characteristic.  Its incurable - its the way their brains are wired, they don't process brain chemicals which allow bonding with other people to occur, and they feel no fear, so yours will have little concern at being unemployed or having to go back to his friends (if he had any genuine friends...) or admitting failure.  All he will thinking about now is his next target, if he can find one at 53.

You will feel much better in time.  Try to associate with cheerful people who don't know him.  At least you didn't know him for that long - I knew my one for 15 years, spent about 10 of those years lusting after him and believing he was an innocent who wasn't ready for relationships, only to find out that all that time he was in a long term relationship with a woman in a city 150 miles away, whom he told no-one about, not even his own family!  

I also swear I had another one contact me last night, on FB - I accepted his friend request out of curiosity and immediately he started asking me if I was single and then on being informed he lived at the other end of the country to me, wrote "im effectionate love cuddles kisses holding hands loyal and totally different . I would easy relocate for the rite person if it went well , would honestly like to get to donyou better gave me butterflys when I looked at your pics so pretty you would be for keeps xx".  I told him we weren't compatible and he then started mimicing my hobbies (which he could see from my FB profile and cover picture) but he got the details slightly wrong so it wasn't very convincing!

Just as your ideal partner is unlikely to crop up out of the blue on FB, so too is he highly unlikely to be found living in a camper van and unemployed.  You need to see him for what he really is, not what he projected.  Its an act.

[HurtingGirl1979]

30 minutes ago, Not So Sad Now said:

You need more time, your feelings are normal and his behaviour is not, so it almost enhances your feelings by making you over-compensate for his lack of normal feelings/responses, if you see what I mean.  Its called a trauma bond - you accept bad behaviour and downgrade your standards so that your normal defence mechanisms are stifled, and so ironically you miss them more because the relationship has trained your response into a new normal (which isn't in any way normal at all but your mind is struggling to make sense of it all).

This man is unemployed and homeless.  And on top of that he isn't particularly affectionate and didn't fight for your relationship or to keep you in his life.  He is an utter nightmare.  He would only drain you and your resources if you hadn't ended it.  At 53, he is nobody's idea of a "catch".  I suspect there is more bad stuff about him that you don't know because his love bombing stage gave him the opportunity to present himself as your ideal man, mimicing what you wanted.  Which of course he couldn't keep up, because it was just an act.

I've been reading up on psychopaths in relationships since my ex cheated on me, dumped me and blocked me in quick succession.  Theres a lot of stuff out there on it which will probably resonate with you.  1 in 20 are supposed to be functioning psychopaths and only a minority are murderers, criminals, etc, - the rest are users and spongers who go from one target to another, dropping them coldly when they're finished with them.

My ex also jacked in his career for a business which doesn't make enough money to live on, but he isn't homeless because he inherited enough money to buy a nice flat along with 2 other flats to rent out.  Not holding down a proper job is characteristic of them.  So too is the "pity play" - they always have a hint of something vague wrong with them (vague hints at depression, I lost count of how many colds my ex had along with vague sore legs), all designed to make you feel they are an innocent, doing their best to struggle through life.  What its actually designed to do is to provide a cover story for their inadequacies and to hide their "under-performance" in relationship terms.  There rarely is anything wrong with them, other than a vague sense that their souls are empty.  The sponging off other people (you provided him with a home) is key as well though mine didn't actually do that to me.  Cheating and going from one "target" relationship to another while switching off feelings and cutting off contact is characteristic.  Its incurable - its the way their brains are wired, they don't process brain chemicals which allow bonding with other people to occur, and they feel no fear, so yours will have little concern at being unemployed or having to go back to his friends (if he had any genuine friends...) or admitting failure.  All he will thinking about now is his next target, if he can find one at 53.

You will feel much better in time.  Try to associate with cheerful people who don't know him.  At least you didn't know him for that long - I knew my one for 15 years, spent about 10 of those years lusting after him and believing he was an innocent who wasn't ready for relationships, only to find out that all that time he was in a long term relationship with a woman in a city 150 miles away, whom he told no-one about, not even his own family!  

I also swear I had another one contact me last night, on FB - I accepted his friend request out of curiosity and immediately he started asking me if I was single and then on being informed he lived at the other end of the country to me, wrote "im effectionate love cuddles kisses holding hands loyal and totally different . I would easy relocate for the rite person if it went well , would honestly like to get to donyou better gave me butterflys when I looked at your pics so pretty you would be for keeps xx".  I told him we weren't compatible and he then started mimicing my hobbies (which he could see from my FB profile and cover picture) but he got the details slightly wrong so it wasn't very convincing!

Just as your ideal partner is unlikely to crop up out of the blue on FB, so too is he highly unlikely to be found living in a camper van and unemployed.  You need to see him for what he really is, not what he projected.  Its an act.

Hi, and thanks so much for your input and advice. 
So many of your words were really therapeutic to read: trauma bonding, ‘pity play’, how he didn’t fight for the relationship and how he would’ve eventually drained me of all my resources and what a nightmare he actually is! 
I know that if we’d been together for more time, I would’ve woken up and realised what a scrounging and negative low life he really was. Because his emotional withdrawal from me left me so confused after the love bombing, I hadn’t yet reached that stage of wanting to kick his sorry behind out of the door. I was waiting for him to return to the person I’d met.  Being in lockdown certainly warped things, as I think it was difficult to have clarity during this time. 
I was totally blinded by ‘love’ for him. I used to watch him make silly sculptures and think how talented and artistic he was, I loved sitting around playing cards with him. But that was just tiny parts of the day. The other parts were me working, buying the shopping, lugging it all home, cooking, cleaning etc., trying to find things on TV that he would enjoy, worried that he was up all night feeling unwell, wondering why he was so withdrawn from me, wondering if he was planning to leave at any second. It really was hell and made me so anxious. 

[HurtingGirl1979]

I just wanted to share some positivity on here that I have had 2 continuous days of calm and peace in my mind. I’m 32 days NC and previous to the last two days,  I had nearly 2 weeks of feeling absolutely dreadful. I would’ve happily been run over by a bus if one came my way, it was that bad! But the all consuming miserable wave has passed. I realise there could very likely be another wave of sadness, and I’m certainly not over it all completely (I am triggered by the smallest things!)  but I wanted to write this on here so I could refer back to it, and remember that if the intense sadness comes back, it will pass! I also hope it might help others to keep pushing through. 
I noticed a pattern of having a real mood dip in the afternoons, but I have kept myself busy for the last two afternoons. I have also been reading a book called ‘Tiny Little Things’ by Cheryl Strayed. It’s not directly associated with heartbreak, but just the struggles and strife we face as human beings. It’s been such a heart warming and inspiring read, and I highly recommend it to anyone who needs their mood lifted. 

[Beachead]

@HurtingGirl1979

"The Little Things" by Cheryl Strayed.  I'll keep that book in mind :).  Thank you.

For you, I hope things are going alright these days.  Stay strong and remember to use this low time as an opportunity to learn about yourself.  Things suck bad but continue documenting your process. It will help you learn about your grieving process and the coping methods that have helped you get to a better place over time.  I'm glad you are able to see the sadness doesn't last and that you can experience a pleasant emotion afterward that.  So yes, your emotions will be going through a cyclical pattern.  Pay attention to when they come, how long they last, how intense they feel, and what are causing them..it could be people, places, circumstances, things you are doing for yourself that are the sources.  Sometimes you may not know where it came from and that's okay.

Let your mind do what it needs to do, document it, let yourself be.

- Beach

 

[HurtingGirl1979]

Thanks @Beachead

One of the things I’ve noticed is that although I have waves of sadness, they are not as powerful and excruciating as they were before. 
At the moment, I feel like I’m over him as a person, but not over the actual breakup. For some reason it’s left me feeling quite traumatised, which I know sounds quite dramatic but that’s the way it feels. I haven’t been able to let go of a sense of unfairness that I looked after this man financially and gave him everything emotionally, but he just turned so cold, left me and never looked back. He had no interest in checking in on me, seeing how I was coping during the pandemic etc. After love bombing me, making me so many promises and pressurising me to let him move in, it all just made my head spin. I understand that this is what a break up is and it’s better for my healing process that he hasn’t contacted me, but that’s where my pain still is. 

[HurtingGirl1979]

I came back to the flat yesterday that I haven’t been in since my ex left and we broke up. It’s been around 3 months now (losing track) and I am feeling so much better. I was DREADING coming back to the flat and town that we lived in - I thought it would be full of painful memories and it would be unbearable as I didn’t take him leaving very well, but it’s actually been fine. It’s on my mind, but not in the obsessive and painful way it had been. I have walked past lots of places we spent occasions in (New Years Eve, birthdays etc.) and although I think about it, I realise I am just so better off out. 

I did forward his post  - I had to take it to the post office and pay for international delivery etc. so of course I am wondering whether he will bother to thank me or not. 
 

I’m packing up and leaving here in a couple of days and starting a new job and life in a new city. I’m thankful I can close another door and continue to move on. 

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Your fresh start will be a great new chapter.

[Beachead]

@HurtingGirl1979

Very good to hear.  You'll be more preoccupied with settling in and establishing a life there.  Normally, I'd tell people to change their routine up from the one they had while with their ex, to help dissociate from the familiar life they lived with their ex.  By taking up new activities, and discarding old ones and/or restructuring their schedule, they can achieve this.  By default, you'll already be doing this, moving to a new city for a new job.

You may have some thoughts here and there but you'll be fine OP.  

- Beach