A very complicated break up

[mike_m]

Hello everyone,

it's my first post on this forum.

As you can imagine, my girlfriend left me. We have been together for almost 9 years and I was truly convinced she would be the woman of my life. We were both planning our future together and she expressed many times the desire of having children with me.

She was the only woman I have ever loved and my best friend as well.

The break up came sudden and unexpected and left me in a very difficult situation, as I am currently dealing with other delicate issues.

I'll try to be brief and give you only the most important information.

Me and my ex are Italian, but almost three years ago we moved to China to work and travel in Asia.

The first year was absolutely great, but at the beginning of the second year my health deteriorated and I began to deal with multiple issues (insomnia, fatigue, irritability, tremors, palpitations...) that took a great toll on me (and her), especially because no doctor was able to fix them. I had to change a lot of habits, but I still couldn't get at the top of it. After a few months,  other problems came up.  At the same time she began to feel anxious and unsure about us staying abroad and the life we had there.

On January this year we went back to Italy to stay with our families, while I also tried to get better. Our families live in different towns, so we got separated during the coronavirus lockdown and were not able to see each other for almost five months. Also, we couldn't (and can't) go back to China because they closed their borders and foreigners are not allowed to get in. During this period, we only had an argument at the very beginning because of my health issues and the anxiety they cause to her (she suffers from anxiety and even depression sometimes), but we managed to resolve it very quickly. Apart from this, everything looked good and normal. She said she loved me, missed me and that wanted to see me. On the end of June we renewed our working contract and we paid the apartment where we live in China (and where all our things still are) for another year.

One week ago we had another argument. Few days before that, I should say that she told me she was feeling depressed but had no idea why and she had a feeling of a lump in her throat. Anyway we were planning on finally see each other, but there were some impediments because we currently live with our mothers and have no place to stay for the other. Few weeks before she had proposed me to spend some time somewhere close to the beach (two weeks or so), but I said no because I needed to focus on my health and follow a very specific diet that I could not follow on vacation. Moreover, prices were too expensive. So one day I decided to look for more affordable solutions and I found cheap apartments close to the beach in non-touristy towns and I told her that we could spend some weeks or a month there, stay together and go to the beach when we wanted to. She said these places were not interesting, then she said that she didn't want to spend a month there, she needed to stay with her family and friends. Then she also said that because of my health issues we couldn't do much there anyway. I got really upset and we fought. The day after she texted me and said that she wanted to apologize, but also that there were other things she wanted to talk about and that she would come in my town to talk to me face to face.

I knew something was wrong, but I had no idea what was about to happen. The day before she came in my town, we talked on Skype and she apologized again. She also said that she was not feeling well, she was very anxious about us getting back to China, she didn't like the city where we live, the life we had there and that she was worried about my health. I got upset because as I told before we had just renewed our contracts and our apartments. I told her she should have talked with me about it before, instead of immediately after that. I also told her, as I already did many times, that I was more than happy to move somewhere else, but we needed a plan, we needed to find another job opportunity, we couldn't just leave, it was too risky to give up excellent job conditions to take a leap into the dark.

On Sunday she arrived in my town, but she said she was confused and needed time to think. I met her on Tuesday, when I saw her, even if we had had an argument, I was truly happy, as I had not seen her for 5 months. She was cold though. We started to talk and she repeated that she didn't like her life in China, she was unhappy, but she didn't know exactly why nor she knew what she wanted to do. She said she felt that going to China was my plan, not hers and that she had just followed me (I should add that she studied Chinese at University and she was the one who brought me in China the first time, for six months, almost six years ago). She said she needed time alone to understand what she really wanted to do in her life and to work on herself, trying to fix her anxiety and mood problems. I told her that I thought that a lot of negative thoughts about our life in China were because of my health issues and she finally admitted that she couldn't not stand the situation anymore. She said anxiety was eating her alive and that she felt I was changed because of what happened to me. I asked her if she loved me, she started to cry, she said she didn't feel anything. I got upset and told her that my health issues were not my fault and I was working really hard to fixing them. I was still the same person and our relationship was more important than anything and had to protect it from these problems. I also told her that we needed to spend some time together, as we had not seen each other for a long time. We needed to try to work together to save our relationship, no matter the result. If we failed, that would have been it, but we needed to try at least. At the beginning she refused to say so, but then we just try to spend the afternoon together, talking about other things and she changed completely. She relaxed and it was like nothing had changed. We started to talk and laughed. She proposed to have dinner together and we did. We talked and talked and talked. During dinner she said she wanted to try to save our relationship. She started to look for my hands, to touch me. She hugged me and kissed me on the cheek on our way to the bathroom. It was like a dark cloud went away and my girlfriend was there again. She said we could meet again the day after. She told me I should spend a few weeks in her hometown and that she wanted to look for a place to stay. She proposed to spend some days at the beach at some friends of her's. We left the restaurant and she held my hand, she took my arm and put it around her shoulders. Before saying goodbye, I kissed her and it was a long and beautiful kiss. Before leaving, she said that indeed nothing had changed, we were still the same. We texted while she was going back at her sister's place (where she was staying) and agreed again to meet the day after.

On Wednesday I woke up and I felt relieved, but I was really anxious something could take a wrong turn. We were supposed to meet after lunch and at 10.30 am I texted her. She agreed again to meet me around 2 pm. Before I left I texted her again to tell her that I would be a little late. She replied and asked me if she could call me. I knew something was wrong and indeed it was. She was crying and told me she didn't want to see me. She said she had not felt anything the day before. She even said she didn't feel anything looking at our pictures from the past. I asked her why she did and said the things she did and said and she said she made a mistake, she was doing what she thought was the right thing for "us", not her. She needed time alone to sort things out and said she decided to talk with a therapist. I said that was a good idea. I understood that something was wrong. She looked devastated and I was worried about her. Before saying goodbye she asked me if she could call me or text me if she needed to. I said yes and we said goodbye.

Yesterday she texted me again and asked me if she could call me. She told me she would leave the day after (today) and that she didn't want to see me or hear from me again. I tried to remain calm as I did the day before, I told her that I thought that when we had dinner together, she obviously felt something and that the day after she got anxious and panicked. She said she had made her decision and restated she didn't feel anything for me anymore. Yesterday she looked more nervous than the day before and she was slight aggressive and was pushing me away, even if I didn't try to force her into anything. She said she needed time, but she didn't want to ask me to wait for her. I told her that I could give her all the time she needed to sort things out if there was the possibility to be somehow constructive and helpful for our relationship. However I added that if she felt that this period of time she needed for herself was really just a prelude to a break up, we'd better break up immediately. She said she felt pushed and in the end, we did break up for good.

Yesterday I felt horrible and last night my insomnia was even worse than usual. I woke up at 4 am and my mind was racing and I started to think about a million things. I went on the Internet and read a few things about depression, anxiety, mood disorders and relationships. I started to feel sorry for her and this morning I sent her a text to tell her that I understood what she was dealing with and the reasons why she needed to take these steps by herself. I also said that I hoped she would succeed and find some peace. I sent her this text because I needed to tell her these things I didn't get the chance to tell her when we talked. I have no intention to contact her again.

This is what happened.

I personally feel terrible. My health is still a mess and this whole situation is worsening everything. I feel I lost the love of my life over things we could have handled much better.

I am stuck at my mom's house and I don't speak with her because of arguments we had two months ago. I am on holiday from work, so I have a lot of free time and nothing I can do to take my mind off. Moreover, I know that sooner or later China will open its borders again and I will have to face her leaving again, taking her things from our apartment and be left there alone. I really feel like my whole life is falling apart.

I would like to hear from you. Any insights？What do you think about her behavior? Do you think we are done for good or are there any chances for future reconciliation?

Edited July 24, 2020 by mike_m

[FMW]

I think it's good that the two of you are taking a break from each other, whether the breakup is temporary or permanent.

You need to focus on getting your physical health in order, and she needs to focus on getting her emotional health in order. The world is a stressful place right now for everyone, and the added health issues and living circumstances are overwhelming for you both, I'm sure.  Try to embrace this time apart as a necessary time of healing and caring for yourself.  Deal with this moment in time, try to not spend time wondering and stressing about what might happen in the future.  

You will either love someone else in the future, or you and she will find your way back to each other again.  But for right now, just take it a day at a time.    

[mike_m]

Thank you for you reply!

I am already trying really hard to heal, but it's really complicated because nobody is 100% sure what the problem is. I am currently following a protocol to heal my gut, as they found some issues there. Fingers crossed!