Is it odd to feel like this about your husband?

[Catlady1988]

Is it odd to feel like this about my husband? Is it the sign there is something wrong with our relationship?
 

1. My husband currently is working from home due the coronavirus pandemic. He used to spend mich time in the office. I used to think that he was very hardworking.

Turned out that most likely he isn’t. Now that he spending time at home I realize he is spending much time smoking and joking, lazing around, brewing coffee, doing nothing particularly useful and following me wherever I go, chatting me up, showing me funny pics on his cell phone and so on. I feel a bit annoyed he is following me an always standing in the way. I love him but I just think he should stop following me like a shadow whereever I go.

2. My husband has stomach trouble and often asks me to rub/massage his stomach and I feel like I don’t really want to do it. It feels odd to me and I am actually afraid to hurt him because he sometimes goes “Ouchouchouch“ if I do it. Like “Rub my stomach... but not like this ouch... and not like that“. I told him I didn’t want to do it but he begged me to.

 

Is it odd to feel like this about somebody if you actually love him?

Edited July 24, 2020 by Catlady1988

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, Catlady1988 said:

 

1. My husband currently is working from home due the coronavirus pandemic. I feel a bit annoyed he is following me an always standing in the way. I love him but I just think he should stop following me like a shadow whereever I go.

2. My husband has stomach trouble and often asks me to rub/massage his stomach and I feel like I don’t really want to do it.

Corona has effected a lot of relationship by crowding each other. You need much more time apart. Create new boundaries. be out more. Do not rub his stomach, suggest he see a doctor if he has chronic stomach pain. He sounds bored, but try nor to indulge it this much.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Catlady1988 said:

. He used to spend mich time in the office. I used to think that he was very hardworking.

 

1 hour ago, Catlady1988 said:

I realize he is spending much time smoking and joking, lazing around, brewing coffee, doing nothing particularly useful and following me wherever I go, chatting me up, showing me funny pics on his cell phone and so on.

Has this altered your perception of him? 
Is he using the WFH excuse to be a bit non productive or is he still doing all the work but in reality his job is a breeze, and in the office he is smoking, joking and generally being lazy when you thought he was working hard?

[Ruby Slippers]

How about establishing certain blocks of time where you go do your thing and he does his?

I personally think giving your partner massages is a loving thing to do. He can teach you exactly how he wants it done. You don't have to do it all the time, but sometimes is nice.

[elaine567]

Smoking and coffee will not do his stomach any good... does he have a diagnosis?

[FMW]

It's not odd, but it's something to pay attention to.  There's a saying about familiarity breeding contempt and it sounds like that's what's happening here.  Let him know you need some space.  Actively seek out things you can do on your own and encourage him to do the same.  

Don't rub his stomach if you don't want to, that's only going to make you have more negative feelings about him.  You can't fake loving gestures.   

Take it seriously and don't just let things get worse without addressing what you're feeling.    

[d0nnivain]

If he's still getting his work done & meeting his employer's standards don't worry about how hard he works. 

With DH & me he always thought he worked harder then me.  He does put in more hours.  While working from home, I was surprised at how little of substance he does.  I powered way down but he was shocked at how hard I worked, saying he now understands why I'm so stressed all the time.  I burst into tears because I was only doing about 25% of my norm & he thought that was overwhelming.  

The stomach rubbing sounds odd.  Seeing a doctor may help but if you love him, give him what comfort you can.  Since I can't comfortably get a massage now, I have asked DH to rub my neck & shoulders more.  Yes that is more conventional then stomach rubbing.  Alas he's not good at it so I'm always giving verbal direction while he tries, similar to how your husband tells you how to rub; it's feedback not criticism or lack of appreciation.  

[Catlady1988]

Yes, he is still getting work done. Actually his boss is very pleased with him.

However I am a bit stumped. He is a middle manager. When he told me about his day in the office it always sounded like he was the most hardworking guy ever. In fact he used to complain about the laziness and lack of discipline of some of the guys working under him. He spend long hours in the office. He still spends long hours working (starting at 8 pm and often isn’t finished until 8 am)... however he has a break all of the time when he is doing nothing particularly useful... but actually stops me from doing my chores and wants to chat.

I wonder if he spend a lot of time at the office standing by the water cooler (or the coffee machine) chatting up people.

 

Yes, he has a diagnosis. He has got IBS-C which includes in his case stomach pain/cramps. (He also suffered a vertebral fracture and i have been told that it could lead to stomach trouble, however that’s not the official diagnosis which is IBS-C). He tried a number of things but they didn’t work for him as much as he hoped.

Edited July 24, 2020 by Catlady1988
Typo

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, Catlady1988 said:

wonder if he spend a lot of time at the office handing by the water cooler (or the coffee machine) chatting up people.

I guess so...

[mark clemson]

52 minutes ago, Catlady1988 said:

Yes, he is still getting work done. Actually his boss is very pleased with him.

 He spend long hours in the office. He still spends long hours working (starting at 8 pm and often isn’t finished until 8 am)... however he has a break all of the time when he is doing nothing particularly useful... but actually stops me from doing my chores and wants to chat.

I wonder if he spend a lot of time at the office standing by the water cooler (or the coffee machine) chatting up people.

"Managing up" is one of the keys to success for many folks, and "management by walking around" has been a thing for a long time as well.

You should realize that different people can have very different work styles and still be successful. It sounds like he is more of a schmoozer that you realized, but that doesn't at all mean he isn't valued or effective at his specific role. Many managers "get work done through others" and so checking/monitoring his peeps may be exactly what he's good at. If he's been in his field a long time, he may be a subject matter expert and so able to get his "actual work" done in less time, but then devote the rest of his time to monitoring others' progress (somewhat casually) and/or giving advice or direction and putting out any fires that arise. There's nothing at all wrong with that (if that's the role expected of him) and may actually be much more productive for his unit as a whole than him clocking 9-5 only and only checking in on others' progress occasionally.

Quite possibly much of what he does (under more normal circumstances) is saving others' time, by giving them input as needed, and thus improving the performance of his unit as a whole.

Edited July 24, 2020 by mark clemson

[elaine567]

I used to work with a guy who "worked" long hours arriving very early first thing and leaving at 7-8 in the evening, but his actual work was approximately 9-5.
He "worked" long hours  to avoid his wife, he said if he went home at 5, his wife would expect him home every night at that time and he didn't want to do that. He spent his extended work time, drinking  coffee/whisky, smoking and chatting to colleagues... 
He eventually divorced her.

[Catlady1988]

He doesn’t have to work long hours in order to avoid me because typically (if there isn’t a pandemic out there) I am not at home.

[Ruby Slippers]

Most jobs don't take 40 hours a week to do. Many people go through the nonsense of creating the image of being busy all that time because old school management wants to maintain this illusion of control. But the work of most office jobs can be done in less than 40 hours.

A good professional is like a good fruit tree. You don't pick fruits off the tree constantly. But a good tree has the right soil, the right sun, and the right conditions to bear delicious fruit whenever it's needed.

What the workplace needs to evolve beyond is keeping every good fruit tree confined to a particular office space for 40 hours a week. Let the fruit tree do its thing, pick the delicious fruit when you need, and we'll all be happy.

Edited July 24, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Catlady1988]

I just think it is odd because he always used to complain about some people in his workplace, how they are always finding a way to avoid work and trying to make them work is like herding cats... and now he isn’t working a lot of the time.

But apart from that: Is it bad I don’t like it if he is always following me around, always wanting to chat. I feel a bit like I have no privacy. Is it odd to feel like this about your own husband?
 

I know his stomach trouble currently is bad and I am worried about that. Is it odd I often don’t want to rub his stomach?

[FMW]

Not wanting him following you around could simply be about you needing your own space, not about any lacking or bad feelings for him.

Not wanting to rub his stomach, in my opinion, is more likely to be a sign of lacking feelings.  If I'm feeling love and affection for someone, I want to help make them feel better and pay attention to them.  If I'm feeling resentment or just not feeling the love anymore, I wouldn't want to rub their stomach.  Maybe you're just annoyed and need space.  Maybe it's more than that.  

What do you think?  What do feel when you think about not seeing him for an extended amount of time (weeks, months)?  And how strong are those feelings, whether positive or negative? 

[ShyViolet]

It's perfectly normal to feel annoyed with a person when you're both suddenly home all the time and spending 24/7 together, when that wasn't the case before.  I think you should tell him that you need your "alone" time and that it's hard for you to suddenly be spending 24/7 together.  Schedule time in your day where you are away from him, either out of the house, or if that's not possible then set some ground rules with him where he needs to give you your space for a certain period of time each day, which I guess would make sense to do while he is supposed to be working.

[Realitysux]

It's not odd since you could be struggling too. I can't work at home. I have to go the a library or a coffee shop to do any kind of the admin work. I also think that if I was home with my husband then I would want to spend more time in the bedroom but that might not be the case for all married couples. 

Edited July 24, 2020 by Realitysux

[Catlady1988]

8 hours ago, Realitysux said:

It's not odd since you could be struggling too. I can't work at home. I have to go the a library or a coffee shop to do any kind of the admin work. I also think that if I was home with my husband then I would want to spend more time in the bedroom but that might not be the case for all married couples. 

I am a SAHM. Currently I do not contribute to the family income.

However my life is very busy right now. Before the pandemic the children where in daycare/school. I used to take them places a lot. We often ate outside the home. They where involved sports and music. All of this is gone now. When there is no pandemic the kids have on meal in daycare/school and while I often cook we sometimes choose to have food delivered but no we decided against this (for hygienic reasons).

I think that he doesn’t help out with the kids as much as he could. To give an example: I asked him to watch the kids because I wanted to cook and he just took them to the kitchen and wanted to chat with me.

He likes the house to be immaculate. I am not sure if he realize how much work this is if children are in the house. He helps with cleaning to be fair. He does a lot of cleaning to be fair but also has very high standards. With standards like this he should be cleaning 24/7 because it is the only way the house can be as tidy as he wishes it to be.
However like I said he currently spends more time joking and smoking, lazing around, standing in the way wishing to be entertained, being interested in what I do without considering lending a helping hand.

We don’t argue much but before the pandemic this was the main reason why we did. He used to travel a lot because of his work and when he came back he sometimes used to complain how chaotic the house was. Well, it wasn’t but that is how he felt about it.

[Catlady1988]

10 hours ago, FMW said:

Not wanting him following you around could simply be about you needing your own space, not about any lacking or bad feelings for him.

Not wanting to rub his stomach, in my opinion, is more likely to be a sign of lacking feelings.  If I'm feeling love and affection for someone, I want to help make them feel better and pay attention to them.  If I'm feeling resentment or just not feeling the love anymore, I wouldn't want to rub their stomach.  Maybe you're just annoyed and need space.  Maybe it's more than that.  

What do you think?  What do feel when you think about not seeing him for an extended amount of time (weeks, months)?  And how strong are those feelings, whether positive or negative? 

I am not sure if he is a man who understands the concept of wanting to have privacy in a marriage very well. For example he likes to follow me into the shower (but not for sexual reasons) but he just wants to stand there and chat. (Of course he is not following me into a shower cabin but I shower in the bathtub and he stands on the other site of the curtain feeling chatty). I also feel a bit offended that sometimes he is in the shower with me, kids are asleep and he seems not to be sexually interested at all. Similar: he can watch me having a bath without showing sexual interest... just chatting about the weather or whatever.

Do not get ne wrong we do have sex and he shows sexual interest in me... but I still think it is odd.

Before the pandemic I often didn’t see him for a week in a row because his job required a lot of traveling. It won’t be like this in the future. His company found out that video conferences  work as well as traveling and it is saying a lot of money. It was okay for me, we always skyped and I like my freedom and independence.

He likes traveling but there was one thing he didn’t like about it. Unfortunately he isn’t in his best health. Like I said he has IBS-C and he has combat ptsd. He likes having a place to sleep that feels safe for him.

I our house he carefully decided which room feels safest for him as a bedroom and where in this to place our bed. When he was traveling he had to rely on sleeping pills and sometimes had to sleep in a place that felt very unsafe for him.

(BTW having combat ptsd is also the reason he cannot have somebody he doesn’t know and trust give him a massage. He was having a back massage once and he hated it so much. He had to ask the guy to stop. That is much unlike him because he typically tries to be non-offensive. I am not saying it is common in ptsd. I think there is even massage therapy for the condition but for him it feels like this)

However I think it was okay for both of us that he was traveling so much but it’s good he won’t have to use sleeping pills that much but has a safe place to sleep.

[Wiseman2]

Don't treat him like one of the kids. He doesn't need to follow you into the shower. Door locks. Boundaries.

[Catlady1988]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't treat him like one of the kids. He doesn't need to follow you into the shower. Door locks. Boundaries.

Wouldn’t that be a bit rude? I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

[Wiseman2]

Following you into the shower is rude unless it's your toddler. He's a grown man not a child.

You'll kill the respect and romance by mommying him. Stop rubbing his tummy stop allowing him into the bathroom while you need private time. The resentment is growing, so do your part to contain it.

[FMW]

It seems clear you do have a lot of resentments with him, and they are growing.  That's understandable and not particularly unusual, but unfortunate.  Resentments can kill your feelings of partnership and eventually even love.

You have to start asserting your boundaries - you want and need privacy while showering.  As was mentioned, the rudeness related to that issue is on his part, not yours.

You don't have to go along with levels of tidiness and cleanliness that seem unreasonable and unsustainable to you.  If he wants to go above and beyond in that area then he can use some of breaks from working instead of following you around.

You have to talk to him.  If you don't, the resentment will just keep growing.  It doesn't matter if he doesn't understand or share your needs - as an adult, and a loving partner, he should be able to listen and accept what you're telling him is your own truth.  Yes, you are partners, but you are not the same person.      

[Ruby Slippers]

Boundaries. Close and lock the door. Your feelings are just as important as his. Tell him you want an hour, 3 hours, whatever to yourself in another room. Lock the door if he doesn't respect it. 

Being at home together 24/7 is magnifying issues that were more manageable in smaller doses. Time and space is healthy and necessary.

[BaileyB]

Healthy relationships need boundaries. You need to establish some boundaries with your husband. In my house, the words are “I need a little time to myself right now...” I have been saying them often during this pandemic. Good luck!

Edited July 25, 2020 by BaileyB