Is it odd to feel like this about your husband?

[Catlady1988]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Following you into the shower is rude unless it's your toddler. He's a grown man not a child.

You'll kill the respect and romance by mommying him. Stop rubbing his tummy stop allowing him into the bathroom while you need private time. The resentment is growing, so do your part to contain it.

Thank you very much for your opinion. I wouldn’t say he is like a toddler. He is a grownup man and a responsible and loyal man. He takes good care of us and gives us everything we ever ask for.

However I do think that the sexiness/romance might indeed be missing in our relationship. I think he sometimes sees me as one of his pals.

Let me explain and give an example. I am in my early thirties. People tell me I am good looking, I am keeping fit and care for my appearance.

Okay: here is my example. It was late at evening. I was in bed wearing a shorty pyjama my husband bought me and he loves it. He likes my legs. My husband was working out, came to our bedroom to get his clothes because he wanted to take a shower.

He looked sexy and I started hugging him which he liked (in fact he had a boner). So I started to pull down his trousers. He said “Stop it. I got a lot of work to do tomorrow. There is this important meeting. I didn’t sleep well last night. I just want a quick shower and go to bed“... I said “Oh, come on“ but he insisted that he needed to work the next day, that his boss would be mad at him, that it would wake up the children. I asked if he wasn’t interested, he told me he was interested by that he wasn’t an animal.

I felt a bit sad about this.

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, Catlady1988 said:

Okay: here is my example. It was late at evening. I was in bed wearing a shorty pyjama my husband bought me and he loves it. He likes my legs. My husband was working out, came to our bedroom to get his clothes because he wanted to take a shower.

He looked sexy and I started hugging him which he liked (in fact he had a boner). So I started to pull down his trousers. He said “Stop it. I got a lot of work to do tomorrow. There is this important meeting. I didn’t sleep well last night. I just want a quick shower and go to bed“... I said “Oh, come on“ but he insisted that he needed to work the next day, that his boss would be mad at him, that it would wake up the children. I asked if he wasn’t interested, he told me he was interested by that he wasn’t an animal.

I felt a bit sad about this.

He didn’t want to have sex. It happens in my home. As long as it doesn’t happen every night, I’m not sure what the problem is here...

Edited July 25, 2020 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

Maybe he had bad stomach ache or needed to go to the toilet.
I guess IBS-C is no fun...
 

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Maybe he had bad stomach ache or needed to go to the toilet.
I guess IBS-C is no fun...
 

Certainly true in my home. That and the fact that he doesn’t sleep well... Both valid reasons not to want sex on any given day...

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm sure it stings to be turned down for sex by your man, but I'm also pretty sure it's not out of the ordinary that it happens sometimes as the years go by. 

[Catlady1988]

34 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Healthy relationships need boundaries. You need to establish some boundaries with your husband. In my house, the words are “I need a little time to myself right now...” I have been saying them often during this pandemic. Good luck!

Thanks for your opinion.

Boundaries: I told him I didn’t want to give him a massage several times and he is always like “Please do that for me. That hurts. Would be so kind of you“. I am not sure why I dislike it.

I think it’s partly because it’s unromantic... but it’s also because it doesn’t seem to help very much... it’s because I have no whatsoever medical training and could easily hurt him. In fact he often says “Ouch... not like this“... it’s also because he seems unable to relax while I am doing it, jumps up because his cell phone rang, jumps up and runs to the window because he wants to see what’s the funny noise out there. I mean the point of a massage is that it is relaxing, right? Or he smokes while I rub him. You are not supposed to smoke, while getting a massage, are you.
Obviously we both suck at it (I suck at massaging, he sucks at getting a massage). So I feel that we shouldn’t be doing it. (Plus he farts if you rub his stomach 🙊 which is sometimes funny but then we laugh but then we cannot concentrate on the massage).

[Catlady1988]

3 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I'm sure it stings to be turned down for sex by your man, but I'm also pretty sure it's not out of the ordinary that it happens sometimes as the years go by. 

I have no idea how common it is. To be honest I never discussed this with other women.🙊

[major_merrick]

To me, a normal office setting always seemed tremendously inefficient.  Your husband probably IS one of the most hardworking people in the office.  That says less about him than it does about them.  I always found that I could easily accomplish 3x the work of most other office-dwellers if they would simply shut up, go away, and let me do my thing.  And meetings are an absolute waste of time, and I imagine your husband's day must have been filled with them since he was a manager.  Your husband is probably more efficient at home, which is why his boss is pleased.  But I'm thinking he misses the social interaction with the others, which is why he follows you around.

Honestly, take the fact that he follows you around as a good sign.  It means he still likes you!  Lots of guys tend to just avoid their wives after a few years of marriage.  My husband works long hours and does a lot of community stuff.  Sometimes if I'm asleep when he gets home, he'll actually wake me up to talk.  Initially, it was kind of irritating.  But I understand why he does it, as sometimes we don't get much 1-on-1 time.  If he was home, pretty sure he'd follow me around some of the time.  We were friends/comrades for 20 years before marriage, so keeping the friendship going is essential. 

I think you and your husband simply have a mismatch in how social you want to be.  He likes the office setting with all the other people.  You're used to having plenty of space.  So just relax and don't overthink it.  Either the virus will end and he will go back to work, or you'll adapt after a while and won't think about it much anymore.  As for his stomach - coffee and smoking has likely given him ulcers.  He's gotta stop that.  And if he's got an ulcer, no amount of massage is going to fix it which is why you doing it is hurting.  Get him some Prilosec OTC and have him take it for two weeks - and no more coffee.  That stuff is just bitter dirt-water anyways.  Tea is so much better!

***On a side note, I kind of feel your pain about your lack of personal space.  When I married, I was used to having two girlfriends living with me in a nice big house.  I moved into my husband's family - multiple women curled up in my bed, tons of kids running around upstairs.  I'd say it takes 6 months to a year to adapt to a reduction in your privacy and personal space.  After a while, you get used to your new normal and then when you have quiet it actually feels weird*** 

Edited July 26, 2020 by major_merrick

[Catlady1988]

Thanks for your opinion. Yes, they do have a lot of meetings.

When my husband started working for this company he wasn’t happy. He had been working as a middle manager for another company before and wasn’t happy too. He believed everybody was lazy too. However when he started working for his current employer he was shocked by some people’s attitude and lack of dedication for their jobs.

He said that they were never getting anything done and that trying to organize them was like herding cats. However as time went by my husband started telling me that he managed to turn some of the cats into hardworking men, how those working under him got far more work done then the other teams... and then it encouraged the other teams to become more hardworking too. However he always told me he was the most hard working guy in the office, like the one who showed true dedication for the job and because he spend long hours in the office I used to believe it must be true.

He read a lot of books on managing. I really felt he wanted to be the best.

I always thought: Hubby is working SOOOO hard for us. Made me feel a little special.

Now I feel a bit lied to. Don’t get me wrong. His company is pleased with him, he gets paid. Everything is fine. It doesnt any negative effects on me he spends so much time lazing around.

I am just disappointed that the picture he used to paint of himself “l am the man who gets the job done. Just look how hardworking I am. Just look I am working looooooooooooong hours“ is not fully true.

Yes, I think he misses the interaction with the guys at the office. They have video calls and video conferences all of the time but it’s not the same.

I actually do like being around him... just not all of the time. I am not sure what it is.

I don’t think he has ulcers. He was diagnosed with IBS-C. He also suffered vertebral damage and I have been told it can give you stomach problems.

However I think it is a problem that he drinks too much coffee/smokes. The stupid guy actually believes smoking is beneficial for stomach problems.

He currently has a lot of trouble eating, sometimes he cannot really eat anything for days in a row. Shocking as it is I tend to believe it is normal for a Vet with ptsd and stomach problems. At least I have been told so by other women who are with one.

However it doesn’t make that kind of problem better.

[Wiseman2]

Why won't he go to a doctor? You need to stop poking and prodding his abdomen. You hate it, he hates it. What's the point? You are spending too much time together. Get busy outside of the house. Stop mothering him. Stop playing doctor.

[elaine567]

20 hours ago, Catlady1988 said:

but it’s also because it doesn’t seem to help very much... it’s because I have no whatsoever medical training and could easily hurt him. In fact he often says “Ouch... not like this“... it’s also because he seems unable to relax while I am doing it, jumps up because his cell phone rang, jumps up and runs to the window because he wants to see what’s the funny noise out there. I mean the point of a massage is that it is relaxing, right? Or he smokes while I rub him. You are not supposed to smoke, while getting a massage, are you.

I guess it does help, but it is also painful. He jumps up as I guess he can't stand the pain any longer or standing up helps.
If you have a sore back massaging can help but it can also be very painful, I guess it is the same with his abdomen.
This is a therapeutic massage, it is not about relaxation.

[giotto]

He smokes in the house with small kids? 🤔

[Catlady1988]

1 hour ago, giotto said:

He smokes in the house with small kids? 🤔

Yes, he does though he doesn’t smoke much... and he had quit but unfortunately started again. Typically he smokes on the balcony but sometimes he smokes in the house (only for “health reasons“) and we open a window.

I don’t like it.

Edited July 26, 2020 by Catlady1988

[Catlady1988]

3 hours ago, dhanushx012 said:

How about establishing certain blocks of time where you go do your thing and he does his?

I think it’s a good idea. I was just unsure if it offends him if I ask him for something like this but looking at the reactions on this thread I think I should.

[Catlady1988]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why won't he go to a doctor? You need to stop poking and prodding his abdomen. You hate it, he hates it. What's the point? You are spending too much time together. Get busy outside of the house. Stop mothering him. Stop playing doctor.

Actually he underwent multiple test and fortunately it turned out he doesn’t have anything bad or deadly. He was diagnosed with IBS-C by a doctor. The problem ist just that it cannot really healed. They haven’t found a cure for that yet.

There are multiple things you can try to see if the help. One of that things actually is massage (but done by a trained massage therapist not by your wife). It takes a lot of training to become a professional massage therapist.

However he had a massage (his back) in the past and hated it so much he doesn’t want to see a massage therapist. He just hates the idea of being massaged by a stranger.

He is also doing other things, like using milk sugar, using peppermint oil, probiotics, several spoons full of olive oil with everything he eats, using warmth, magnesium. (Eating healthy doesn’t work for him like it doesn’t for many with IBS)

He is currently considering going back on SSRI medication (Fluoxetine, mostly for ptsd but also because of this).

 

Its a bit difficult to spend much time outside the house right now. We are being very careful because of the coronavirus.

Edited July 26, 2020 by Catlady1988

[Catlady1988]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I guess it does help, but it is also painful. He jumps up as I guess he can't stand the pain any longer or standing up helps.
If you have a sore back massaging can help but it can also be very painful, I guess it is the same with his abdomen.
This is a therapeutic massage, it is not about relaxation.

Actually no. He is always interested what’s going on and always checking on strange noises in front of the window. I just think that it might not be to helpful not to relax while getting a massage. Are you sure you aren’t supposed to relax?

[Wiseman2]

Stop the massages. You could harm him. Let him manage his own digestive issues. He's a grown man and doesn't need potty training. It's great he's getting his mental health addressed.

[elaine567]

There is no way she could harm him with an abdominal massage.... unless she was punching him...

[Catlady1988]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

There is no way she could harm him with an abdominal massage.... unless she was punching him...

I am afraid I could. I know too little about that kind of things.

But then I also feel guilty if his stomach hurts or he cannot eat and I don’t do it if he asks me for it.

[BaileyB]

You will not harm him by rubbing his belly.

My partner has IBS. He rubs his belly sometimes but when he’s really uncomfortable, he doesn’t even want me to be near him, definitely not to touch him. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Catlady1988 said:

I am afraid I could. 

True,if he has functional bowel issues it's best treated with whatever medical and lifestyle changes he needs to make. He can rub his own abdomen while in the bathroom if he wants. But do not massage a painful abdomen as an amateur. Has been worked up for this by a GI specialist?

[Catlady1988]

I tend to think that his lifestyle is not responsible for this - and that he can do nothing to fix it.

Basically the worst he can do for his health is to eat healthful. He works out a lot. He has a lot of discipline, works out no matter how he feels, has cold showers. It is not like he doesn’t care for his health.

However I still cannot fix it and makes me feel bad that he expects that... and basically it seems that what I am doing is not really helpful.

Edited July 26, 2020 by Catlady1988

[Catlady1988]

I just don’t want him to think that I don’t care. It matters to me and I don’t want him to be in pain but unfortunately I am not able to help and think it does more harm than good.

I don’t think that he is to blame and I don’t have a “it’s none of my business help yourself“ kind of attitude but unfortunately I cannot help.

Edited July 26, 2020 by Catlady1988

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like your way of showing you care is to baby him, but then do not resent it.

[elaine567]

Plenty YouTube videos on abdominal massage including self massage.